Friend invites friends when borrowing my holiday home

[SebHH]

We're lucky (I know!) to have a holiday cottage… When we're not using it we're happy for family and friends to make use of it and ask for a small contribution really just to cover costs, bills etc… Generally that works fine but we have one friend who borrows it and then takes friends of his own (he always asks)… I know I shouldn't really care, that if they've covered any costs it's up to them really how they use it, but find myself feeling rattled by it… when they invite their friends it feels like it shifts it from them borrowing our cottage to them treating it as their own and I feel a bit invaded or something… I know I could say no but that feels small minded when really makes no difference to me (I’m not there after all!) so I don't but then I'm left feeling like they're not respecting a boundary or something- would anyone else feel the same? AIBU??

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had a holiday home for about 30 years and let my close family & friends use it for free or for a small amount to cover water/electricity.

Some are more generous than others, as they know I also pay council tax, ground rent, club fees etc. One friend who has used it scores of times, sometimes for free, has let other people use it without my permission. Once saying it was just her & her boyfriend, I later found out it was also her cousin & aunt!

Then another time let another cousin & her husband use it, again without checking with me if was OK first. Added to that they were both really big people, so I’m surprised that the ancient bed (at that time) survived.

Unfortunately she still has a key but it’s unlikely I’ll let her use it again. I have ways of seeing that she doesn’t on the quiet, as I have a water and electricity meter that I can check. She’s the only person who’s abused my trust but it does make you wary of being too generous. Maybe people appreciate something more if it’s not for free?

Other people have been great, often paying a little bit more than I suggested or buying me gin because they appreciate my generosity.

Probably best that you have a word with him and set some boundaries, in case you get taken advantage of like I have.

I get this. My parents had a holiday home for years and used to have the same arrangement. Then cousins started to invite their in laws along to it with them. Then they would make suggestions for improvements / what needs fixing in the memories book (it was more of a place to put down good restaurants/nice beaches etc than a guest book as the place was never commercially rented out and people only ever paid a contribution to the energy costs). I would just say that with bills increasing you're happy for them to stay but if they're inviting friends along too it's going to be more of a holiday rental price as it's just too expensive these days.

I think YABU because you’ve told him it ok, when really in your head it’s not.

Would you mind if they paid more? All bills etc have gone up, you’d be totally within your rights to work out a much higher rate per person per night and charge that from now on.

Or, if you just want to know who’s there and don’t want his hangers on just say so, he’s not a kind reader.

Its one thing to let family, and a few well known friends use it But I would be worried about it getting damaged with people that they may not know that well.

I hope they stopped letting people use it?

I think what is uncomfortable about him inviting others is that having people in your holiday home always brings a risk that something will break. If it is just him, then because you are friends, he might pay for the damage, at the least to keep your friendship or to keep having access to the house (it would cost less for him to, say, pay to replace a broken lamp than to rent his own holiday house at market rates). But if people are there who are only your acquaintances, or you don't know them at all, then they have no incentive to treat your holiday home gently or to pay for anything they break. When you rent out your home on the open market, the costs of potential breakage are factored into the rental price that you charge. But lending it at no cost puts all the risk on you. So when he invites others, then you are taking a risk for the sake of people who don't care about you and who would likely not pay you back, and who you'd have no legal recourse to get payment or compensation if they DID break something.

Another factor is the risk if someone had an accident or there was a fire while they were in your holiday home. I'm in the USA, here everything is about litigation, so people here would be very uncomfortable lending a holiday home for free, for this very reason, the fear they would be sued if something happened. They might be willing to rent it at a reduced "friends and family rate," so that it would still be rented under whatever insurance program they were using to cover their liability. I understand the UK is different and people aren't as litigious, but we all know that no good deed goes unpunished so you might want to change your policy on lending to your friend and establish a "Mates rates" thing so that at least you are covered for insurance if anything bad happens while he and his friends are there.

I can understand why you'd feel a bit aggrieved about this. Another thing to consider: is he charging his friends and making a bit of extra money from your property?

Sounds like a weird set up. Just charge them somewhere in between what you're charging them now and the cost of an Airbnb.

I don't think you're being irrational at all, OP; it's one thing to extend a favour to a friend, and quite another to see it spread to randoms

I'd also wonder if he's charging the extended group to stay, perhaps to "share the rent" which doesn't actually exist ...

RUTH98

Omg what a bloody cheek!! Improvements! Jeez

I think the post from @Tiani4 on page 2 really sums it up. You’re not being petty. Definitely time to wind up the availability or limit it to close family.

When you know the people personally, you can assess the risk of how responsible they will be. When it's a friend of a friend you're relying on their judgement + then valuing your property as much as you do. You're not being unreasonable.

It's one thing to take a long term Partner or Close Friend but if it is just to give Cheap free breaks away to friends then it's Taking the Michel

No they carried on letting them stay but for market rate and they quickly stopped asking!!!

No one is forcing him to use the OP’s cottage.

If I had one I would not want people who aren’t my friends and family holidaying for free.

Oh well if he’s not single and is staying there with his family there is no question that inviting even more friends on top of that is cheeky. There will be more wear and tear and all running costs will go up.

Op I would either not let him
stay as often or just tell him that, owing to the rising price of fuel and other costs, you are telling all family and friends who use the holiday home that they will no longer be able to invite extra people.

I think he qualifies as a bit of a CF tbh. I wouldn’t dream of accepting someone’s hospitality and then adding to their costs! It’s not a very decent thing to do.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would lent my house to my friends which I know and trust, but not necessarily to their friends especially if they are strangers.

If it's something you're going to carry on doing I'd charge family and friends what you charge already but friends of friends.
After all those friends would probably end up paying much more for a holiday renting a property through other means.

I'd probably just be honest and say "Bob, we don't mind you and your family using the cottage, but from now on we're going to have to ask you not to invite others. We feel it's up to us to invite people into our vacation home". You don't have to give a reason.

If you can't do that, then you could say "Due to the cost of living and utility increases we're going to have to start charging £XX per head to use the cottage. So if you plan on bringing friends we'll need to have a 'head count' and payment up front. No discounts for babies/children", then set a rate that you feel may discourage him from inviting them along. Hopefully, he'll stop inviting others along.

I think that because he pays for it, he probably sees it as reasonable to have the holiday he wants there. You need to say something to him or else not let him borrow it anymore.

I see what you mean. Next time he asks say no we have decided to restrict who uses it. Energy bills are so high now and we don't like having lots of people who we don't know in our home. I was happy to let you and your partner/parents use it but it's got out of hand so I'd just rather everyone knew where they stood so I'd be grateful if you didn't ask again.

Making a small contribution to the electricity bill is not really ‘paying for it’. He’s taking the piss.

You don’t have to say anything except - it’s not free that weekend.
YANBU but I cannot articulate quite why. Something about it would bug me.

Ultimately it's yours to lend to whoever you want to....or don't want to!
Before I got irritated I'd ask myself a few questions
Is he any less grateful than others?
Is he any less respectful of your property?
If he's just as 'good' as your other guests I suspect it simply irritates you that he invites friends. I'm single and someone once made that "Its alright for you, 'gadding off' on holiday with your mates"....I'd had one holiday, week in the med. I was perplexed who they expected me to go with. If you friend doesn't have children/wife who should he go with? If he's got a girlfriend but they go with another couple is that different to Jack and Sarah and their 2 kids or maybe their sister and BIL. Do all your other friends go alone?

I think I'd feel upset, too, OP. I think I wouldn't like that a group of strangers were getting a free holiday, courtesy of me, if I were in your position.