Friend invites friends when borrowing my holiday home

[SebHH]

We're lucky (I know!) to have a holiday cottage… When we're not using it we're happy for family and friends to make use of it and ask for a small contribution really just to cover costs, bills etc… Generally that works fine but we have one friend who borrows it and then takes friends of his own (he always asks)… I know I shouldn't really care, that if they've covered any costs it's up to them really how they use it, but find myself feeling rattled by it… when they invite their friends it feels like it shifts it from them borrowing our cottage to them treating it as their own and I feel a bit invaded or something… I know I could say no but that feels small minded when really makes no difference to me (I’m not there after all!) so I don't but then I'm left feeling like they're not respecting a boundary or something- would anyone else feel the same? AIBU??

No, it still wouldn't make a difference to me. I didn't and wouldn't invite them hence they don't get to stay.
Her helping out with the dog doesn't mean she has carte blanche over everything you own!

Yes I agree with you. It’s pushing it. CFs

I can see where you might feel uncomfortable. If you lend your vacation home to a friend, you are being generous to your friend. If you lend to your friend and they are inviting others (some of whom are strangers to you) it’s as if your friend is being generous at your expense. I can see where this might be grating especially if there have been issues with boundaries with this friend.

Of course, my take could be clouded by my own experience. I had a friend like this who had no particular skills, but knows a lot of people who do, including myself. She was someone who always generously offered “I know someone who can help you” and suddenly that person was asked to provide their skills either free or at a reduced rate for things that they’d prefer not to do for a virtual stranger, while the friend was the one who was lauded for “fixing the problem.” For example, I sew, and she told someone that I could help with wedding dress alterations, which is a huge undertaking & I didn’t have the time or interest in doing. When I said no, it was weeks and weeks of subtle (and then blatant) pressure to help out her other friend, a woman I only met once & didn’t care for. I could see where OP’s friend magnanimously “hosting” his guests in her home and mostly at her expense (if he’s only paying a nominal amount instead of market pricing) would rub the wrong way.

If they invite the same one or two group of friends each time that I know (even vaguely) I might not mind but if it’s different people each time, I feel that’s inconsiderate

… “or something”. Hmmm. I think you need to state what your rules are, otherwise suck it up. If you are going to allow it to be used by others I think it’s a fair assumption that they may want to share their holidays with people that they choose to 🤷‍♀️

I use a friend's place and she's said to invite people round as she likes it to be used and is happy when other people are enjoying the house.

She's never questioned who I was inviting but I like to it all her in advance anyway.
I've had different family and friends over the last few years and everyone respects the property and treats it well.

Are you worried about the tear and wear or just the people?

I know the reason my friend extends the invitation to whoever I choose is because she trusts me and knows I wouldn't bring anyone who wouldn't respect the property.
So that could be the other thing OP, do you trust the people to look after the place?
If it's your MIL and SIL, they are family so not odd for them to go together.

If you don't want them to bring friends then you need to tell them. It's perfectly normal to bring friends on holiday with you, and if they are paying to "rent" the place then they probably don't see any reason that they shouldn't. They could just rent anywhere from a stranger and bring who they want. You need to make your expectations clear if it's not ok, don't expect them to read your mind.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I do think you need to think about what exactly makes you uncomfortable with their friends visiting.

I think you are fine with people you know going as you know how they behave, like to live in a clean home etc. But what makes you uncomfortable with their friends is that you don't know how they love or habits etc, for all you know they could be doing drugs I'm the bathroom without anyone knowing, or perhaps live like scum and be bringing beg bugs with them to your property.

Yes
SIL does you favours ans is going with your MIL so family... unless you feel SIL wouldn't respect it. I wouldn't want for eg new hook ups staying as frankly don't want people shagging all over the home and that's different to my lending it out to a family or a couple in family that live together For eg.

So it Depends on what friends and two weeks is rather a long stay...
It's not up to us though as you need to decide if you're comfortable with that or not. If not then it's that's fine. Your second home, your views and feelings matter and you owe no one a free holiday at your second home.

It's one of those situations where I totally hear you, but also think you're being a wee bit unreasonable! I think as long as they're being respectful - and that the friend is always honest with you about who is coming - it's fine

Since they do ask, and you do say "yes," and since they evidently leave the cottage in good order, I would tend to let this go. Holidays are more fun with friends. Well, for most people, they are. So long as the friends are respectful of your property, and so long he asks permission, I do not see any issue here.

Honestly, I’d start using the increased cost of living to start charging them to to stay. (Whatever the going rate is for Air Bnb in the area.)

I don’t think it’s a fair assumption at all. I wouldn’t dream of inviting others in these circumstances. I would be very aware that the owner is generously allowing me to use her property and feel it’s taking liberties to think I can open the invitation up to people that are just random others to her.

He’s sort of hosting under false pretences and it’s annoying you because it denies your own ownership and your achievement in buying it.. and also a slight sense of superiority which you get from that achievement. It’s not a pretty look but I think I relate. I would feel this too, though I would be ashamed of myself.

You feel how you feel. That’s valid. But if you don’t say no, how is your friend to know it’s an issue??

If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. I agree with others that you shouldn’t dismiss your feelings - it’s your holiday home and you can have whatever rules you like for it.

I think your feeling that his inviting others is him treating it as his own may be unreasonable. It’s possible he tells everyone that it’s your cottage and that it’s really kind of you to lend it out. But it may be totally accurate. If none of these people who you vaguely know have ever come up to you to compliment you on it or say thank you (or ask if they can boƒrrow it themselves!) then you’re probably right that he’s fronting it as his (or, more likely, as a regular place he’s rented). Even if he does this it may not be because he’s trying to be cheeky about it. It’s possible he could be keeping schtum that it’s your so you don’t get a million requests from these friends who vaguely know you.

You could try asking one or two that you know best what they thought of it (couch it as you thinking about updating it or something and looking for feedback) if it bothers you. But that opens a whole avenue of questions and requests about it that you probably aren’t interested in going down.

In any case, it’s fine to tell him you don’t want him inviting friends anymore. Much better to tell him than to have this resentment build and sour your opinion of him when he doesn’t even know he’s doing anything wrong and might be horrified to think he’d upset you or taken advantage.

Totally get this. It's the feeling of someone else taking the credit for your generosity, maybe? Not sure that's exactly it but I'd be miffed with someone acting like lord of the manor inviting guests to my second home.

Maybe give the loaning out a rest for a while, as it's crossing a boundary for you. It's your place, you can decide what you do with it.

I would feel exactly the same as the OP and I'd say NO to stays of two weeks by the SiL. There's being a friend and being taken for granted. Time to put boundaries in place after all, they're not paying for wear and tear on the furnishings and how is the electricity use calculated? Who cleans the cottage and washes the towels and bed-linen? Who cleans out the fridge? No, I wouldn't like it one bit if a friend took THEIR friends so it's time to make it clear that it's a week max and it has to include a cleaning fee plus photos taken of the electricity and gas meters so you can bill them correctly plus presumably there is WiFi.
Don't forget, you are also paying insurance on the place so that comes into the equation too.

If friend asks and you agree YABU.

It appears the issue is your concerned his friends may think it's his house and you want to make sure people know you are the owners?

I'm not sure why that's an issue though? Maybe stick your picture above the fireplace with a sign saying "owner"!

seriously though, it's your house so just say no or just let it go. If they look after it there's no real problem.

Not sure your friend is being totally
unreasonable here. I think if I borrowed someone’s holiday cottage I’d ask if I could take a friend with me, and if the owner said yes I’d assume that was OK. So if you don’t want them to, you need to say no. Alternatively, have a discussion about who they want to take and the maximum number you’ll be comfortable with.

At the end of the day it's up to you - maybe stop lending it out so much if it bothers you? I can see your point and it's difficult to say something about it without sounding a bit unreasonable so I'd probably just make it less available generally.

We have a holiday home and agree with so many PP: (1) you can’t be sure that people you’ve never met, who will feel no obligation to you, will look after your place as you’d wish. (2) He’s the beneficiary of your generosity but there is that sense he is swanning around like Lady Bountiful, when the person actually doing all these randoms a favour is you.

In fairness to him, (2) may be an irrational feeling and he may be doing nothing of the kind. He may think no further than “I am enjoying this lovely place and would like friends to join me.” But if you have started to feel you’re being taken for a ride, you are entitled to those feelings and they are a sign that it’s time to end the arrangement. You are only being unreasonable if you let it continue and fail to enforce your boundary.

We have a holiday home too. I would absolutely be unhappy with this. More wear and tear, and risk of damage. No way. I would just stop lending it to the friend.

He doesn’t take the cottage for nothing. He covers costs and bills.

Do you know the people going with your friend? If you don’t, could that be the source of your discomfort with the situation?