Friend invites friends when borrowing my holiday home

[SebHH]

We're lucky (I know!) to have a holiday cottage… When we're not using it we're happy for family and friends to make use of it and ask for a small contribution really just to cover costs, bills etc… Generally that works fine but we have one friend who borrows it and then takes friends of his own (he always asks)… I know I shouldn't really care, that if they've covered any costs it's up to them really how they use it, but find myself feeling rattled by it… when they invite their friends it feels like it shifts it from them borrowing our cottage to them treating it as their own and I feel a bit invaded or something… I know I could say no but that feels small minded when really makes no difference to me (I’m not there after all!) so I don't but then I'm left feeling like they're not respecting a boundary or something- would anyone else feel the same? AIBU??

I wouldn’t like it. For me it’s the fact that there are strangers in my home

Same here - either say "No" altogether, or say "No friends", or don;t let it out. or don't rent it out.

*Unfortunately she still has a key but it’s unlikely I’ll let her use it again&

Why not make sure by changing the locks?

I don't get this wear and tear thing. Three or four civilised, careful people living in a property won't necessarily create any more wear and tear than one, surely? Careful people don't cause wear and tear. A single reckless person can do a hell of a lot of damage.

I once allowed someone to stay in my flat in London for a few days while I was away. They poured a glass of red wine over a pale sofa and chopped vegetables directly on the oak work surface and left knife marks. I've had dozens of other visitors who left no trace.

It’s her cottage so she can expect whatever she wants to. The borrower isn’t compelled to use her cottage.

I dont think.he is doing anything wrong as he always asks first. It's fair enough if you dont like that and you are well within your right to say no but it's a but unreasonable to say yes then be annoyed by it

Emotionalsupportviper

Why should I have to go to the expense of changing the locks? I have about 10 keys already cut that my close family use, I’d have to get all those cut as well. I’ve known her for 50 years and she knows me well enough now not to use it without my permission. She asked to use it with a new boyfriend last year in the school holidays and I said No because my family use it then. I’m a generous person but my family always comes first before friends. Next time I see her I will ask for the key back.
If she’s had another one cut & tries to use that then she’d be committing a crime.

Shit when I borrowed my mates HH and paid her costs it never occurred to me to tell her I had a mate stay one night and my dad another 😒

It's pretty normal not to want strangers in your home when you aren't there.

I think the difference in opinion comes down some seeing the property as holiday let and others as one of OP’s homes.

I think the difference in opinion comes down some seeing the property as holiday let and others as one of OP’s homes.

I agree - and that’s the way to put it to the friend. “Look, Phil - I’m sure your friends are very nice, but we’re not happy having people that we don’t know staying in our house. That’s why we don’t sell it as a holiday let when we’re not there. So - fine for you to go, but not with a group”. And that’s totally reasonable. If he wants a group rental, he’s at liberty to find one.

Charge him market rate to use it.

Just say due to the cost of living you've decided you need to make the cottage work for you now so it's no longer available for mates rates and is £900/week or whatever the going rate is for similar in the area.

He will either suck it up and pay and you get some cash or say no thanks.

I think you either need to let people use the holiday home or not. If I was letting a single friend use my holiday home, I would not assume they are going to go and sit in my house all by themselves.

This is the tack I’d take - I’d tell him in advance of being asked and frame it around lots of people want to borrow it and it’s mushroomed a bit more than you were expecting, so you are going back to your original intention of only letting family and friends use it.

Yanbu. My family have a holiday home and we have a blanket rule now that it's family only unless one of the "owners" is there too. Some people just take the piss, and you're right - they do treat it as their own.

yanbu

It is cheeky to be honest. You let your friend stay there as a gesture of friendship, same doesnt apply for a stranger. I might change my view if stranger was down on their luck etc but otherwise I would be uncomfortable and probably not raise it, but not let friend stay again

Agree with others that it’s your home and not a holiday rental, and absolutely fine to point it out. I would also find it annoying that he asks, as it’s almost to make you feel bad for saying know. You obviously need to set him boundaries but he’s a piss taker and real friends wouldn’t push the boundary.

if you find it tough you can probably fudge a CoL thing or that it’s insured as second home, not holiday home etc, so insurance expect you or family to be there etc.

YABU. Let them use it or don't.

Then just tell him "No" and stop whining. I don't know what, if you've known her 50 years and you know each other well enough you can't just do that.

The only reason I suggested changing the locks is if you didn't trust her to accept your refusal to bring friends along. If you trust her, then no need.

You are the only one that can do anything about this. Either tell her she can't bring friends or sit and seethe to yourself. The choice is yours.

If I was letting a single friend use my holiday home, I would not assume they are going to go and sit in my house all by themselves

You might want to read OP's updates, Aprilx; she said that "him" borrowing the place involved him having family there too - only now he's also spreading it to random friends who OP knows only slightly if at all

In which case he is completely taking the piss and now thinks it's pretty much his own holiday cottage to do with as he wants

You need to nip this in the bud

Just say no and stop it completely

You don't need to give a reason.

Just say we're no longer letting anyone other than direct family staying

If he makes an issue or questions it or makes you feel uncomfortable with your decision then he's not the friend you thought he was

There is a huge difference between loaning your home to people you know and having strangers stay there as well.

even if your friend is taking responsibility for the extra guests, they still aren’t people that you have personally vetted and approved. It feels like a violation because it is a violation.

We have a holiday home, and while we happily let family and close friends use it, we would never let them take along people we don't know. We would hope that people we know would look after the place and take care with our property, we can't be sure that others would do the same. I wouldn't go and stay for free at a place owned by someone I don't know, I'd just hire somewhere.

This is a great way to phrase it. If he's treating it like a holiday home that he has rented then he can pay a rental fee.
I would stop loaning it to him altogether. We have a holiday home and have no problem family using it but if they were in turn inviting people? Eh no! I allow people I have invited into my home, if you want to invite people then pay to rent somewhere.