Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum what the childminder says about her?

176 replies

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:14

I sometimes take my daughter to a playgroup where a few childminders attend. I was chatting to one of them this week and she was making comments about the mum of two of her charges. Not awful stuff, but pretty negative some of the parents' choices.
Thing is, she doesn't realise that I know the mum a little bit. We went to the same baby class a few times and our little ones were at the same nursery for a while (then they much have switched to the childminder). We're not friends particularly but we bumped into each other at a local attraction recently and she gave me her number and invited me for coffee. She seems lovely and like she's struggling a little bit.

So... Should I tell the mum that the childminder is making negative comments about her? Or say nothing? I will shortly be going on maternity leave and was planning on getting in touch to ask her if she'd still like a coffee.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:16

Sorry for the typos, should have proof read!

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 26/01/2023 11:17

I think it depends on what was being said.

I probably would tell her, but I'd also correct the child minder publicly and tell her that you know this woman and (presumably) her opinions aren't accurate.

MasterBeth · 26/01/2023 11:17

When I'm struggling a bit, the thing I really need is to hear is what negative comments a third party is making about me.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/01/2023 11:18

Thats a difficult one, I would not like to be in your shoes with this one!

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 26/01/2023 11:19

I wouldn't tell the mother, but I would let the childminder know that I know her and that I'm friendly with her, so I don't really appreciate what he's been saying.

FizzyTango · 26/01/2023 11:19

to be honest it would depend on how bad what the childminder said as to wether I’d mention it. If it was bad, I’d say something…something small, while it’s still mean it’s probably not worth upsetting her over.
what did the childminder say?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/01/2023 11:19

007DoubleOSeven · 26/01/2023 11:17

I think it depends on what was being said.

I probably would tell her, but I'd also correct the child minder publicly and tell her that you know this woman and (presumably) her opinions aren't accurate.

But they might be accurate, It really depends what was said BUT no matter what it was the Childminder should not be speaking about any parent in any capacity to anyone.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 26/01/2023 11:20

Maybe make a note to self to call her out if it happens again. Unless she admitted to not liking the dc you put the friend in a position of being without childcare..

RoseslnTheHospital · 26/01/2023 11:20

I think you need to tackle this with the childminder directly. She needs to learn some professionalism and to be aware that if she badmouths her current clients that there is a chance it might get back to them!

If she says anything to you again, I would respond with the fact that you know the parent(s) and that you are surprised by what she is saying and that it's a bit off to talk negatively about her clients to other parents.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 26/01/2023 11:21

Me too. Have a nice coffee with the Mum. She will appreciate it. At the play group with the childminder you could say 'O I know that Mum, she seems really lovely' that should stop her mean remarks or at least make her think twice!

ModerationInEverything · 26/01/2023 11:22

I'd be more inclined to tell the cm loudly how unprofessional it is to gossip about her families. Some people have so no sense of propriety, I met a foster carer recently who told me why the kids were in care. She didn't even know my name!

DancingWithMyPoolCue · 26/01/2023 11:22

I think I'd be more likely to say something nice about the mum to the childminder- "oh is that X? I always thought she did Y really well" or whatever. That way she knows you know her and that you're not in the market for mean comments.

I don't think it's necessarily terrible that the childminder has these opinions- we all have views- but mouthing off is unprofessional.

BooCrew · 26/01/2023 11:23

Unless what she's saying could land the mum in legal trouble, I would leave well alone.

Brefugee · 26/01/2023 11:23

it depends what she's said. I think that if you're vaguely involved in the general chit-chat i'd tell the childminder at the time that she shouldn't be talking about her employer like that as it's a) unprofessional and b) you know the mum in question

I wouldn't tell the mum, but maybe taker her up on the offer of a coffee and see if a friendship develops?

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 11:23

That would be very indiscreet of you and the worst sort of gossiper. I can’t imagine why you’d think to do this.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/01/2023 11:25

Don't drop the comments on the mum that's unfair.

But I would tackle the cm if you think her words are inappropriate. What did she say?

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 26/01/2023 11:26

If it was me, I wouldn't even countenance telling her what was said because it would upset her.

I might call the childminder out and say "Hey, I don't know the details of her situation but I am in touch with her and know that it's not as black and white as you're making out. If you need to discuss details of your work with someone, I understand but I am not that person and would appreciate it if you didn't discuss her particular situation with me. Thank you."

I would also consider telling the mum that I bumped into her childminder and I had found her to be discussing the personal choices of parents in a negative manner. Then I would leave her to make a decision on what she wants to do with that info. I would refuse to gossip and say exactly what is heard and who it was about though.

ManchesterGirl2 · 26/01/2023 11:27

It really depends on the comment, and whether I thought her views might impact the quality of her caring / positive view towards the kids.

If it was a general grumble "she's so disorganised, she's always late picking up", I'd leave it.

If it was snide and nasty "she's so stuck up, it really rubs of on her kids", I'd be more likely to say something.

Original poster
Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:27

Thanks for the replies!

I certainly don't want to make the mum feel even worse if she is struggling!

I did write out the comments then deleted them to keep it vague... It's nothing really bad, nobody has done anything illegal!

Whoever said it was unprofessional has really hit the nail on the head I think, it's just gossipy of the childminder. And she doesn't really know me.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 26/01/2023 11:28

If you think the childminder is wrong, tell her so. You could make a comment about not wanting to be involved in others' private business too.

If you tell the mum and it kicks off, the childminder will likely know you're the one who told her.

trythisforsize · 26/01/2023 11:31

You need to tell the childminder that she's being unprofessional and that she's being paid to help with the children not comment on the mother's choices. So rude. I'd tell the mum that you've heard that this childminder is unprofessional and encourage her to sack her and get a new one. I wouldn't risk upsetting the friend by telling her what the childminder said about her though. Just say you've heard she's very rude and unprofessional about the families she works with.

Aurorabored · 26/01/2023 11:31

I wouldn’t say anything to her about the childminder if you think she’s already struggling. Losing her childcare is likely to help. I’d meet up with her and have a coffee.

If you hear the childminder talking about her charges’ parents like that again I’d ask her if she realises that she could be talking to that parent’s neighbour or cousin and never know it,

Aurorabored · 26/01/2023 11:33

Isn’t likely

CrocodileShoooooesCrocodileShoes · 26/01/2023 11:35

If you tell the mum you put her in the position of removing her childcare and possibly struggling to get more, or facing the childminder daily and being really uncomfortable.

Tell the childminder you know this woman and she shouldn't be speaking like that about her clients.

Don't tell a struggling mum and put her in an impossible position.

MimiandFifi · 26/01/2023 11:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.