Should I tell this mum what the childminder says about her?

[Hopelessacademic]

I sometimes take my daughter to a playgroup where a few childminders attend. I was chatting to one of them this week and she was making comments about the mum of two of her charges. Not awful stuff, but pretty negative some of the parents' choices.
Thing is, she doesn't realise that I know the mum a little bit. We went to the same baby class a few times and our little ones were at the same nursery for a while (then they much have switched to the childminder). We're not friends particularly but we bumped into each other at a local attraction recently and she gave me her number and invited me for coffee. She seems lovely and like she's struggling a little bit.

So... Should I tell the mum that the childminder is making negative comments about her? Or say nothing? I will shortly be going on maternity leave and was planning on getting in touch to ask her if she'd still like a coffee.

True, I've certainly had opinions on customers and clients in the past. However I've also had the common sense not to share those thoughts with random people at baby groups!

@Hopelessacademic i think you should tell the mum. if my childminder was talking about me i’d want to know so i can make an informed choice on whether to change to someone better/nice! she isn’t paying her to bitch to potential strangers about her.

I feel slightly different from some of the other comments. If my child was under the care of this person, I would most certainly want to know what was being said as it seems malicious and rude. I wouldn’t want my child in their care personally.

This is nothing, she is grumbling. And it is really bad to pick your child up late.
But I would have said to her that I know the mum. She needs to realise she should not grumble at all to other mums.

I don't know if I'd say anything to the parent. If she's struggling then I'd be wary of making her worse or feel very self conscious. But I would have a word with the childminder if she says anything again and say that's actually my friend you're talking about and I'd appreciate if you didn't relay any grievances about her to me. Hopefully she'd be a bit more careful in future about where she's talking but also I'd leave her nervous as fuck as to whether I had relayed what she had said to the friend. Very unprofessional behaviour.

My mistake 😊

No - for her own sake. She was not there to get a feel for what was said and you will cause relationship issues between them and risk her childcare arrangements. If I heard a nanny bitching about their boss I think critically of the nanny for lack of loyalty. I would only judge the boss if I saw for myself something with red flags. See the nanny did not deter you from wanting to have coffee with this woman.

I think if this childminder does it again I would comment that she should be careful who she talks about as you don’t know who knows who.

I would say to the childminder

would you want your comments repeated to the Childs parent? As you don't know who in here might know these parents and relay your comments.

I wouldn’t mention it to the mum because it will just feel like another person adding to her stress

Just read through the OP’s comments.

So this mother forgets to pick up her kids? If children weren’t collected from nursery SS would be involved by now.

As for whoever suggested reporting her to ofsted, PMSL. Anyone who thinks their childminder doesn’t talk about them to others is naive. They all do. Maybe not in public places, but definitely to their partners, their friends, to other childminders.

Let’s be honest here, childminders are usually only childminders because they either want to be with their own kids or can’t afford not to be. They almost all stop childminding by the time their own kids go to secondary. They’re essentially stay at home parents who earn a living by looking after other people’s kids while they look after their own.

Empathetic? About a person in their thirties having unprotected sex with someone who is barely an adult? Or by the sounds of it wasn't actually an adult at all when the baby was conceived?

I had similar dilemma which my neighbour who is a childminder and sometimes speaks badly of the parents. I didn’t use her when I was looking at childcare options for my own DS because I thought it was unprofessional…

I suppose the big Q here is actually is she a good childminder in every other aspect?? If she is fab but just a bit moany now and then maybe it’s not a big deal. But if she is often making these comments I think that shows a lack of professionalism.

In your shoes I would turn it round and ask the mum how she’s getting on with the childminder- say you’re asking for a friend as a potential space etc - if she says ‘oh great she’s so so wonderful’ then maybe leave it but if she’s got any other concerns or reservations I would discreetly tell her about the comments as it might influence any choices she is rethinking. Xxx

I had this problem.

I told my Mum friend that the childminder was a gossip about everything, so she might want to watch what she shared with her. I told the childminder that I didnt think it was nice to talk like that behind people’s backs (took a bit to work up the courage for that one!). The Mum friend was then in the know without feeling put down as I gave examples of what the childminder had said about other Mums (and didnt name names) and the childminder kept it zipped while she was around me at least, and hopefully was more thoughtful going forward with everyone.

If its gossipy on the childminder then making it clear you know the parent SHOULD be the bucket of ice water needed. The childminder shouldn't be discussing parents in an open setting in this way, totally inappropriate. But gossips unfortunately often lack the self awareness, even telling her she's breaching confidentiality probably wouldnt get through to her. Steer well clear as you know she'll be just as judgmental of all parents and everyone, not just those unfortunate enough to be trusting her.

The mum will have spent ages searching for childcare before she chose this lady.

The children are settled and presumably happy, if you damage the mum’s relationship with their childminder they may end up somewhere worse.

Everyone bitches about their boss, most nannies snipe about their employees.

It would have to be very serious for me to tell the mum. I’d probably wait until the next time the nanny said something nasty and then say “Wow I’m disappointed to hear you criticising the children’s mum when they’re in the room and may hear. She’s a friend of mine actually.”

I would say something to the child minder. If the mom’s struggling I wouldn’t want to be the one to push her over the edge.

@MayThe4th, bit of a sweeping statement there!
I have kiddos at secondary school and obviously we all work to earn money! I work outside of the UK and love teaching my little charges to understand and speak a second language, it's incredibly rewarding!!!

How about telling the childminder " Dear god, if you get a name for badmouthing your client parents in public you soon won't have any . Whatever happened to professional standards? "

I would want to know. Yes we all have a grumble but have the good sense to be a bit more discreet about it. What would bother me more is that it was done at the time she was being paid to look after my children and I would be concerned if she's talking about me whilst they're in her care they may overhear her bad mouthing me.

I absolutely would not tell her unless she was being threatening or whatever.
That's spreading the shit right back to her. It will make noone feel any better. I'd tell the childminder you know her and that she should be more careful about who she's bitching to.

I certainly certainly tell her. Someone working in a professional capacity should not be gossiping to anyone about the people they work for. I'd want to know, and I'd not only be looking for a new childminder but I'd be telling any other clients I know about this. It may not be major stuff she's gossiping, but that isn't the point, and repeated to the wrong person could easily get out of hand.

What do you hope to achieve by saying anything to the woman? The childminder hardly broke any confidences. She was stating her opinion. Just keep your nose out. You sound like the snidely kid in the playground sidling up to the vulnerable kid. ‘Ooh Johnny said you smell and your parents are poor’ it makes you just as bad as the person who said it. It’s having another dig at the person but trying to remain blameless as you’re just ‘passing on what you heard’.

I would absolutely want to know if my childminder was bad mouthing me.

It was a couple of things, one of them was that Childminder thought the mum was taking too much on and that was why she was disorganised, and apparently forgot to pick the kids up a few times (with an air of "who does that"?). More grumbling than anything.

You would be surprised!! My DSS and DSDil have done this more than once as they assume the other partner has sorted childcare issues.
We get a frantic call or text message asking us to collect the boys from school because we live 3 minutes from their school and give them their tea!! One time we were 15 miles away and had to hotfoot it back home to be there to collect them. 🙄
But regardless the childminder has been unprofessional and something said to her but I wouldn't tell the poor harrassed Mum.