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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum what the childminder says about her?

176 replies

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:14

I sometimes take my daughter to a playgroup where a few childminders attend. I was chatting to one of them this week and she was making comments about the mum of two of her charges. Not awful stuff, but pretty negative some of the parents' choices.
Thing is, she doesn't realise that I know the mum a little bit. We went to the same baby class a few times and our little ones were at the same nursery for a while (then they much have switched to the childminder). We're not friends particularly but we bumped into each other at a local attraction recently and she gave me her number and invited me for coffee. She seems lovely and like she's struggling a little bit.

So... Should I tell the mum that the childminder is making negative comments about her? Or say nothing? I will shortly be going on maternity leave and was planning on getting in touch to ask her if she'd still like a coffee.

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 26/01/2023 15:20

I would want to know if someone I was paying was sharing personal information about my family, so that I could fire them. Her behaviour is hugely unprofessional and salacious. If she had actual child protection concerns she should be alerting the appropriate authorities. If she had less serious parenting concerns she should be talking to the parent or minding her own business and doing her job.

Showersugar · 26/01/2023 15:28

Next time the CM says something I would shut it down by saying "I know Helen, she's a very reasonable lady, perhaps you should discuss it with her?"

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 26/01/2023 15:29

The childminder I used to use was such a dreadful gossip. She said awful things about the other mums to me... I wasn't stupid enough to think she wasn't saying the same about me to the other mums.

Her non-stop bitchy comments were the reason I moved my child away from her. There's absolutely no need for it! It's unprofessional and totally unnecessary. If she's got a problem with any of the people using her services she should address it with them not moan to anyone who'll listen.

In answer to your question, I definitely wouldn't tell the other mum what has been said about her. I would be breezy if the childminder ever said anything to you again though... along the lines of previous poster who said "oh yes, I know her... she's lovely"

Funnily enough I bumped into one of the other mums who used to use the same childminder as me. Hadn't seen her in years... she also moved on from the childminder... said she was fed up of the comments. When she moved elsewhere she said she hadn't realised how stress free childcare could be.

Nightynightnight · 26/01/2023 15:38

Exactly ... If someone is gossiping to you, they are gossiping about you.

80s · 26/01/2023 15:40

I wouldn't like to know what a gossip was saying about me behind my back - let them get on with it, I say - but I would like to know if my children were in the care of an unprofessional gossip, as I'd rather they were with someone more professional and pleasant to be around. I'd wonder what unsuitable things she might be saying to the kids.
Perhaps you could say that her childminder goes to your kids' school and you find it a bit odd that she talks about her clients' private affairs.

MRex · 26/01/2023 15:46

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 12:23

Yes I probably should have said something at the time but I froze a bit as didn;t know how to react!

It was a couple of things, one of them was that Childminder thought the mum was taking too much on and that was why she was disorganised, and apparently forgot to pick the kids up a few times (with an air of "who does that"?). More grumbling than anything.

I have texted the mum to meet for a coffee, and I think if the childminder does it again I'll just say something like @Ukholidaysaregreat said.

Ah that's slightly different, she's moaning about impact on her; it's unprofessional and I'd say I like the mum to out a stop to it, but it isn't super personal. I'd pass on any comments that might affect childcare "she wants X, I did Y" type of stuff, otherwise just meet the mum and chat, sounds like she needs a friend.

Hello12345678910 · 26/01/2023 16:20

I would
If it was me they were talking about I'd want to know

bluegreygreen · 26/01/2023 16:27

@MmeCamenbert
Surely there's a difference between a childminder who lets off steam about the effect on her of parents being late, and one who complains in public that this particular mother is always late?

One is remaining professional, the other isn't.

MmeCamenbert · 26/01/2023 16:36

@bluegreygreen, yes you are right, hopefully it was a one off and she might have had an awful day and was at breaking point?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 26/01/2023 16:39

Tell her. If want to know. So so so unprofessional

zingally · 26/01/2023 16:43

Honestly, if I was struggling, I don't think hearing from a casual acquaintance that a third party, who I rely on for significant childcare, was talking badly about me... I don't think it would be in any way helpful.

LovelyIssues · 27/01/2023 17:45

I would definitely tell the Mum

Wiseoldlady · 27/01/2023 17:51

Definitely not , be kind

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/01/2023 17:55

Unless it’s appalling I would just call the CM out and save the woman the grief.

If it is appalling then yes, you have to.

ShakespearesBlister · 27/01/2023 17:55

Erm.... forgot to pick the kids up a FEW times? Yeah, like I can't think of any reason a childminder might be a bit incredulous about that...I'm more surprised you are thinking about telling the mum because you think the childminder is being loose with her talk, yet don't seem the least concerned about the reason. Who actually does forget to pick their kids up a few times??

Maray1967 · 27/01/2023 17:59

ModerationInEverything · 26/01/2023 11:22

I'd be more inclined to tell the cm loudly how unprofessional it is to gossip about her families. Some people have so no sense of propriety, I met a foster carer recently who told me why the kids were in care. She didn't even know my name!

Exactly this. The child minder’s conduct is appalling. I would tell her very clearly and in The earshot of other people that I am very surprised that she talks to other people about the families she works for. You should have done that as soon as she started talking - whether or you not you know the mum.

Dotcomma · 27/01/2023 18:09

If you repeat what the CM said then that makes you as bad as her. The world is full of hair-brained, uneducated gossips who think other people's business is part & parcel of interesting conversation - when I hear stuff like that a warning bell goes off in my head 'remind me never to tell you anything I don't want the world to know' and I walk away.

WinterFoxes · 27/01/2023 18:15

I wouldn't. People judge each other all the time for being different from them, especially when it comes to childrearing. People are too soft, too strict, too grubby, too OCD etc etc. Unless she is spreading malicious gossip about negklect which is untrue, I'd just ignore it. It's not your business and the childminder's opinion probably doesn't impact on the mother. I might watch out that the childminder isn't saying this within earshot of the children, or being bitchy to the children but otherwise, ignore.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 27/01/2023 18:18

You struggling under the weight of that spoon op?

MarvellousMonsters · 27/01/2023 18:20

RoseslnTheHospital · 26/01/2023 11:20

I think you need to tackle this with the childminder directly. She needs to learn some professionalism and to be aware that if she badmouths her current clients that there is a chance it might get back to them!

If she says anything to you again, I would respond with the fact that you know the parent(s) and that you are surprised by what she is saying and that it's a bit off to talk negatively about her clients to other parents.

This

anon666 · 27/01/2023 18:27

I probably wouldn't unless it's really revealing or private.

Eavesdropping and all that. Also it really hurts when you find out this stuff

PollyEsther · 27/01/2023 18:41

PLEASE do.

We had a nanny briefly, who slagged our parenting and our children off to my friends at a playgroup. Stupid cow. my kids aren't that bad, she was complaning about them playing on the sofa ffs

My friends told me and I sacked her immediately. We trust our children's caregivers and it's so unprofessional to behave that way. It was really upsetting to find that somebody I'd trusted with my children would betray us/them in that way.

Hmm1234 · 27/01/2023 18:46

Urghhh how unprofessional thanks for reminding me why I use a nursery and not childminder. I think you need to tell her to stop gossiping about mothers if she had serious concerns she’d be reporting it to the relevant authorities not ‘bxtchin’

WilburTheIron · 27/01/2023 18:53

Yes it's not great. While there are many brilliant childminders out there, I think most of us have been in the vicinity of the gossipy ones, usually in a group together while the kids run amok. I suspect the mum probably knows as you can tell them a mile off and she's likely telling the mum in question about other parents too.

Firsttimemum120 · 27/01/2023 18:56

I wouldn’t tell the mum because I wouldn’t want to stir the pot and just cause unnecessary drama and problems it would also cause me anxiety to be the one in the middle. If she talks about her negatively again I would directly say you do not appreciate it and don’t want to participate in the topic of conversation.