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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum what the childminder says about her?

176 replies

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:14

I sometimes take my daughter to a playgroup where a few childminders attend. I was chatting to one of them this week and she was making comments about the mum of two of her charges. Not awful stuff, but pretty negative some of the parents' choices.
Thing is, she doesn't realise that I know the mum a little bit. We went to the same baby class a few times and our little ones were at the same nursery for a while (then they much have switched to the childminder). We're not friends particularly but we bumped into each other at a local attraction recently and she gave me her number and invited me for coffee. She seems lovely and like she's struggling a little bit.

So... Should I tell the mum that the childminder is making negative comments about her? Or say nothing? I will shortly be going on maternity leave and was planning on getting in touch to ask her if she'd still like a coffee.

OP posts:
SherbetDips · 26/01/2023 12:57

Hmm that’s a difficult one. As a professional she shouldn’t be making comments about her charges parents to other ppl. However I am a nanny myself and I love and respect my boss so much she is awesome. But it’s a difficult job sometimes and I have been known to vent a little but only to nannys I’ve known a long time and trust.

it boils down to how bad the comments were. Also like is she a good childminder and is it worth to rock the boat if she is? We all vent in our jobs I guess it’s just unfortunate she chose a mutual friend.

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/01/2023 12:57

Dogsafety123 · 26/01/2023 12:31

You use a childminder who doesn’t know your name?!

Show quote history

Read the OP again. Worrying how bad people's comprehension is here!

TeeBee · 26/01/2023 12:58

I would wait and see whether childminder says anything more then respond 'Oh, I don't like listening to gossip about people. Its nasty and very unprofessional, isn't it?'

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/01/2023 12:59

I don't think CM should be saying anything about parents. On the other hand forgetting to collect children on more than one occasion is fairly bad. I think she's justified to feel annoyed. I wouldn't pass any comments on. Don't encourage the gossip either though. Just shut her down if she starts.

NewFriday · 26/01/2023 13:01

I don't understand why you wouldn't interrupt her and put a stop to it?

5128gap · 26/01/2023 13:02

I would. The CM is being highly unprofessional and the mum has a right to know. The trouble with indiscreet people is once they step over that professional boundary, there's no way of knowing where their line will be. The mum could end up with very personal information about herself and child bandied around.

jtaeapa · 26/01/2023 13:03

Unless you think the CM is mean to the kids, I’d leave it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/01/2023 13:05

I would speak to the childminder rather than the mum. It will not help the mum to hear these things have been said. But the childminder needs to hear how unprofessional she has come across.

pocketvenuss · 26/01/2023 13:12

I would be worried what she was saying about me when I wasn't there tbh. Is she the only childminder you can employ?

Riapia · 26/01/2023 13:16

You should tell her.
Then she’ll know never to tell you anything in confidence.

MyOldCaravan · 26/01/2023 13:17

I think I would do two things. Mention to the mum that you've heard the childminder talking about people in an unprofessional way - you don't have to say it was about her.

Also say something to the childminder if she does it again, suggesting it's unprofessional.

Original poster
Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 13:21

Dogsafety123 · 26/01/2023 12:31

You use a childminder who doesn’t know your name?!

Show quote history

No! She's not my childminder, just goes to the same playgroup! My dd usually goes to nursery but sometimes I don't work on that day so take her to playgroup.

OP posts:
Toomuchinfor · 26/01/2023 13:24

I wouldn't unless you feel the comments show a nasty side to the childminder's personality or if it seems likely that the child will not be looked after the way the parents want.

I would perhaps gently say that you know the parent in question and if you can hear their comments the child can too. That might make her think twice about airing her views.

greyfox82 · 26/01/2023 13:24

@Hopelessacademic I think this childminder sounds so unprofessional. How dare she judge a mother who is paying her to look after her child for being 'disorganised' If it was me I would want to know, so I could stop paying money to a complete Twat who was looking after my child! Please tell your friend xxx

Toomuchinfor · 26/01/2023 13:26

Riapia · 26/01/2023 13:16

You should tell her.
Then she’ll know never to tell you anything in confidence.

What???

greyfox82 · 26/01/2023 13:27

@MmeCamenbert but as a professional childminder, I assume you would tell parents directly not gossip at a playgroup?! This kind of behaviour would really put me off using that person as I would question in what other areas are they unprofessional.

Toomuchinfor · 26/01/2023 13:28

WeepingSomnambulist · 26/01/2023 12:08

My mum was a childminder and one of th baby's was a "looked after" child. My mum looked after her as she looked after lots of kids that were in childcare on social workers advice, to give the parents a break and the allow the child to have someone else checking them every day. So this baby had a 32 year old mum with a lot of mental health problems and the dad was just turned 18.
I was a young teen at the time and I remember giving it all that about my opinion on how disgusting it was and my mum gave me short shrift about being judgemental and talking about parents of her charges, whether or not what I said was true didnt matter. She told me I had no right to be saying it when these people were working with authorities to get the help they needed etc.

As a 34 year old, I still think it was disgusting but I've learned not to gossip with my opinion.

It's a pity your mum's comments didn't help you become more empathetic.

QueenLagertha · 26/01/2023 13:29

Honestly OP I wouldn't. But if she says anything in front of you again I would tell her you know the Mum and she's lovely etc. just to make her think about keeping her mouth shut. She's so unprofessional

MmeCamenbert · 26/01/2023 13:31

@greyfox82 maybe the mother has been very disrespectful by not collecting her child on time/forgetting to collect her child? What would happen if this was a nursery setting-social services and the police would be involved!
Maybe the child minder is sick of being constantly taken advantage of. My kids have missed swimming lessons and riding lessons that I still have to pay for because I've had parents not collecting on time, maybe she was having a bad day and had a little moan, as I'm sure we all do about our jobs at times!

OopsAnotherOne · 26/01/2023 13:33

As others have said, I wouldn't tell the mother in question what people have been saying behind her back if she's already struggling, but I would feel inclined to let the childminder know you heard her comments, you know the mum she was talking about and you found it unprofessional of her. If the nasty comments were untrue, I'd also correct her on this.

PenanceAdair · 26/01/2023 13:34

Whether i know the parent or not (does that mean the one i dont know is fair game?), I'd let the childminder know that I don't appreciate hearing negative comments about the parents of the children she's supposed to be minding.

If she's saying something about one parent, she's definitely the type to say something about anyone, including you to someone else.

I'll also sensitively find out if the parent has other options for childminding. If she does, then I'd tell her about it, as I think it's awful to put your child into the care of someone who thinks negatively about you. This is so that if she wants to leave, she can.

It won't feel good but I'd want to know that I can trust someone who's looking after my child.

MayThe4th · 26/01/2023 13:44

I’ve never met a childminder who didn’t gossip about their charges’ parents. It’s just what they do, the same as anyone who has customers has opinions on those customers.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/01/2023 13:47

MmeCamenbert · 26/01/2023 13:31

@greyfox82 maybe the mother has been very disrespectful by not collecting her child on time/forgetting to collect her child? What would happen if this was a nursery setting-social services and the police would be involved!
Maybe the child minder is sick of being constantly taken advantage of. My kids have missed swimming lessons and riding lessons that I still have to pay for because I've had parents not collecting on time, maybe she was having a bad day and had a little moan, as I'm sure we all do about our jobs at times!

Then she needs to take it up with the parents, in a proffessional manner. Not bitch about it in public. Surely you can see this is not okay, whether she is frustrated with the mother is not an excuse.

Moveoverdarlin · 26/01/2023 13:48

Saying nothing. Literally nothing will be gained from speaking out.

BubziOwl · 26/01/2023 13:56

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/01/2023 12:59

I don't think CM should be saying anything about parents. On the other hand forgetting to collect children on more than one occasion is fairly bad. I think she's justified to feel annoyed. I wouldn't pass any comments on. Don't encourage the gossip either though. Just shut her down if she starts.

Because I'm a bit of a cow, if the childminder did it again I'd probably pull my very best genuinely sympathetic and interested face, and then say "I'm actually quite friendly with (mum friend), I'll have a word with her about it and pass on your thoughts so she can improve her behaviour" and watch the panic ensue Grin might teach her a lesson that you never know who knows who!