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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum what the childminder says about her?

176 replies

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:14

I sometimes take my daughter to a playgroup where a few childminders attend. I was chatting to one of them this week and she was making comments about the mum of two of her charges. Not awful stuff, but pretty negative some of the parents' choices.
Thing is, she doesn't realise that I know the mum a little bit. We went to the same baby class a few times and our little ones were at the same nursery for a while (then they much have switched to the childminder). We're not friends particularly but we bumped into each other at a local attraction recently and she gave me her number and invited me for coffee. She seems lovely and like she's struggling a little bit.

So... Should I tell the mum that the childminder is making negative comments about her? Or say nothing? I will shortly be going on maternity leave and was planning on getting in touch to ask her if she'd still like a coffee.

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 26/01/2023 11:39

As long as the kids are being well looked after I wouldn't. It's none of my business what people think about me / say about me behind my back. I do not care, I do not want to know. I would take this approach. Instead, it's on you to shut her down, say 'oh thats not nice shes a friend of mine'.

Fairyliz · 26/01/2023 11:43

Well we all parent differently and we all have different opinions on a wide range of subjects. If we all thought the same AIBU wouldn’t exist.
To me it would depend on whether the childminder was just having a bit of a grumble, X is often late (which could be true) or saying she is a terrible mother.
Personally I would sort of pretend I had not heard what she said and change the subject. Going in with ‘you are so unprofessional’ seems a bit much if she’s just having a grumble to another mum.

WalterWitty · 26/01/2023 11:45

Really depends what was said OP.

If it was just bitchy stuff, No and I’d let the CM you know the parents to shit her up.
If it was concerns over the CM care of the children: definitely.
If it was CM concerns over the parents I’d probably make sure to meet the mom and see if they needed a little emotional support.

SoftSheen · 26/01/2023 11:46

Say nothing to the mother, unless you have genuine concerns about the childminder's care of her children.

Casually make the childminder aware that you know the mother, and she will probably be more discreet in future.

lunar1 · 26/01/2023 11:47

I would tell her you have herd her speaking negatively about some/one of her other families. I wouldn't want to upset someone struggling, but also wouldn't want to leave her paying for a judgmental, unprofessional gossip.

Blanketpolicy · 26/01/2023 11:54

Either correct her every single time if what she is saying is incorrect/unfair/none of her business. People only tend to gossip with those that are willing participants. Or say, hope you are not talking about me like that to the other mums!

Thelnebriati · 26/01/2023 11:55

Its unprofessional of her to discuss her clients like that. If I was a client I'd want to know - but I wouldn't thank you. CM's are like gold dust here.

Cannaa89 · 26/01/2023 11:55

It is extremely unprofessional of the childminder to be discussing parents (basically her employers), not to mention she is clearly breaching confidentiality if you are able to identify exactly which parent she's talking about. She has professional standards to maintain and needs to realise this - imagine if a nursery worker was strutting about slagging off parents, they'd be sacked!

Personally I probably wouldn't tell the person but I'd make it clear to the childminder how unprofessional her behaviour is - sounds like she has no insight and needs to be given a fright.

caringcarer · 26/01/2023 12:00

I'd meet up and have coffee with Mum. Possibly arrange a follow up coffee too. If I saw CM again and heard her gossiping about clients choices I might state she is being unprofessional to discuss clients choices or details. If she is unhappy she should discuss with her client.

THEDEACON · 26/01/2023 12:01

I'd not tell the Mum what was said about her but I sure as hell would let drop how extremely unprofessional the childminder is I'd also call out the childminder and complain to regulatory authority This is not on !

shinynewapple22 · 26/01/2023 12:02

Please don't tell the other mum what is being said about her . No good will come of that. However I think it would be appropriate to speak on her behalf to the childminder just saying that you know this person and think she could do with support - not someone talking negatively behind her back .

Back2Back2t · 26/01/2023 12:02

My decision to tell the mum would be depending on the comments made.

As others have said, very unprofessional childminder!

7upandup · 26/01/2023 12:03

Don't be shit stirrer and stir up even more drama. You don't have to agree with what the child minder said and maybe the child minder was just venting amongst friends and clearly doesn't realise you know the mum.
If it bothers you just say to the child minder you are friendly with the mum and don't want to hear it.
Why make the mum feel shit, cause a rift between the childminder and the mum so you can get it off your chest.
The child minder mite be a fab child minder, if a little gossipy. You could land her out of a job for a discussion she had with friends!

Shelefttheweb · 26/01/2023 12:04

Depends on what was said. If it was ‘they never have a coat on when dropped off’ then probably not. But if she could be undermining the parents parenting choices behind their back then yes because those are my friends children and she has the right to make decisions to ensure they are brought up according to her wishes.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/01/2023 12:05

It's a bit unprofessional of the Cm, but equally gossipy of you if pass it on.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 26/01/2023 12:05

That would be shit stirring! You could tell the childminder that you don't want to hear negative remarks like that instead.

WeepingSomnambulist · 26/01/2023 12:08

My mum was a childminder and one of th baby's was a "looked after" child. My mum looked after her as she looked after lots of kids that were in childcare on social workers advice, to give the parents a break and the allow the child to have someone else checking them every day. So this baby had a 32 year old mum with a lot of mental health problems and the dad was just turned 18.
I was a young teen at the time and I remember giving it all that about my opinion on how disgusting it was and my mum gave me short shrift about being judgemental and talking about parents of her charges, whether or not what I said was true didnt matter. She told me I had no right to be saying it when these people were working with authorities to get the help they needed etc.

As a 34 year old, I still think it was disgusting but I've learned not to gossip with my opinion.

ArcticSkewer · 26/01/2023 12:10

Loads of childminders have opinions on the parenting of their mindees, plenty are indiscreet enough to share them at the toddler groups as well.

Just let her know that you know the mum and close the conversation down. It's a bit gossipy of you to sit there and let her bitch.

No idea why you would want to tell your friend

Tanith · 26/01/2023 12:15

You say it wasn’t that bad: I can’t understand why on earth you didn’t say something at the time. That’s the decent thing to do: you tell the childminder you know this parent and don’t want to gossip about her.

You don’t stir things up by running to the parent with your tales and you certainly don’t report her to Ofsted - which bullying busybody suggested that?! It’s the equivalent of reporting a tea break grumble to the company CEO!

As fo

Chooksnroses · 26/01/2023 12:15

I possibly might say "I'm not keen on your childminder, she seems a bit of a gossip, she was talking about one of her mums in a not very nice way".

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/01/2023 12:16

It really does depend on the comments. Can you be a little more forthcoming without being outing?

I would want to know if I was the mum in question. Because that sort of unprofessionalism and lack of boundaries will not just be confined to a whinge to a random person in a playgroup.

NoGoodUsernamee · 26/01/2023 12:18

YANBU. If she’s telling you who she doesn’t know that well then she is clearly telling everyone. I would be mortified to think someone who was meant to be caring for my children was gossiping about me & my parenting style! Tell her, I’d want to know.

FinallyHere · 26/01/2023 12:18

Ukholidaysaregreat · 26/01/2023 11:21

Me too. Have a nice coffee with the Mum. She will appreciate it. At the play group with the childminder you could say 'O I know that Mum, she seems really lovely' that should stop her mean remarks or at least make her think twice!

This.

Pretty much this will cover most situations.

Ellie1015 · 26/01/2023 12:18

I would only say something to the mother if the childminder was doing taking care of the child properly, or being cold towards them.

If my childminder treats my child well and is reliable i don't really care what they think of me, and hearing it would make life awkward.

It is unkind and unprofessional of childminder though.

Viviennemary · 26/01/2023 12:21

You could report her to Ofsted because it is very unprofessional of her to be making these negative comments about the mother of the children she is paid to look after.