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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum what the childminder says about her?

176 replies

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:14

I sometimes take my daughter to a playgroup where a few childminders attend. I was chatting to one of them this week and she was making comments about the mum of two of her charges. Not awful stuff, but pretty negative some of the parents' choices.
Thing is, she doesn't realise that I know the mum a little bit. We went to the same baby class a few times and our little ones were at the same nursery for a while (then they much have switched to the childminder). We're not friends particularly but we bumped into each other at a local attraction recently and she gave me her number and invited me for coffee. She seems lovely and like she's struggling a little bit.

So... Should I tell the mum that the childminder is making negative comments about her? Or say nothing? I will shortly be going on maternity leave and was planning on getting in touch to ask her if she'd still like a coffee.

OP posts:
gimmepeaceandsky · 27/01/2023 19:00

My own childminder started to bad mouth another mum in the school.
She didn’t have value that the son was my sons best friend and we are very close together.
I didn’t say anything to anyone.

eventually the mum was helping me out and had to pick up my son in school a few times instead of the childminder.

I think thatcher coin dropped 🧐

SeedyM · 27/01/2023 19:09

In my experience of having nannies and au pairs the world of childcare is full of gossip. We used to hear many a tale of families we didn’t even know through them. Much was well meant or misplaced concern as they were all decent people. I would leave it and if it happened again would suggest to the childminder that the mum might prefer it if she was more discreet. Discretion and privacy is def something to talk to potential child minders and nannies about up front. (Goodness knows what was said about us!!!)

MrsMikeDrop · 27/01/2023 19:25

Seems really unprofessional of the childminder, would actually put me off. I think if it's nothing major I wouldn't say anything but I would correct the childminder as others have said

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/01/2023 19:32

Cm is def being unprofessional and I would want to know if I was the mum

I would say to cm that you know the mum and see her reaction.

Dvla · 27/01/2023 19:38

As a parent I would want to know.

Ultimately if she's saying this stuff, she's also saying it infront of the children.

Everyone would be up in arms if this was the MIL. You should tell your friend is my view.

Bleachmycloths · 27/01/2023 19:49

Nope. Definitely leave it. Always comes back to bite you on the bum.

keeprunning55 · 27/01/2023 20:56

Someone told me about my childminder leaving my then 2 year old dd walking along a very busy road behind the childminder and how dangerous it was. I was extremely grateful. It really depends on what was being said and i’d suppose.

BigMandysBookClub · 27/01/2023 21:14

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 11:23

That would be very indiscreet of you and the worst sort of gossiper. I can’t imagine why you’d think to do this.

Really? It's the childminder who is being unprofessional here.

CelestiaNoctis · 27/01/2023 21:45

From what you've said, it sounds fairly harmless and just a bit of complaining but nothing that horrible. I wouldn't say anything this time but next time I would just say, I'm sorry but I actually know her so I'm not cool with this conversation because she seems like she's really struggling right now. But like you obviously appreciate people wanna moan about their boss or whatever but you know her so, not to you lol. Once she knows you know her she'd definitely never say anything again because you could easily get her fired.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/01/2023 22:26

She could have just been venting. You say it wasn't anything really bad, so maybe frustration than criticising the mum.
We all vent about our jobs and yes it was unprofessional but you didn't stop it either.

Were you just nodding away with no input the whole time OP?
You could have defended/diffused it by saying things like 'maybe the mum is going through something, or how hard parenting is and no one gets it right every time'

Two options really, let the CM know you know the other mum or tell the mum.

TrishM80 · 27/01/2023 22:33

Stay out of it, you're only shit stirring by saying anything.

Laloca2000 · 27/01/2023 23:42

'Those who gossip to you, also gossip about you'. I wouldn't necessarily pass on the gossip to the Mum but it would definitely taint my view of the childminder in this case. Everyone has an opinion on everyone else for sure but it's not necessary to voice these opinions and the childminder should be professional and always be discreet and certainly not discuss her personal views about her clients. Poor show in my view, and I would definitely not recommend this childminder based on this alone. I hope the Mum is managing just fine and frankly , fuck the gossip. She's probably got enough going on in her life right now, I definitely wouldn't mention what's been said.

mustgetoffmn · 28/01/2023 09:59

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:27

Thanks for the replies!

I certainly don't want to make the mum feel even worse if she is struggling!

I did write out the comments then deleted them to keep it vague... It's nothing really bad, nobody has done anything illegal!

Whoever said it was unprofessional has really hit the nail on the head I think, it's just gossipy of the childminder. And she doesn't really know me.

I don’t understand why you describe someone as not a friend but would then wonder whether to tell them about something cm said? I get that you might become closer but what would be the purpose? Yes that’s out of order of cm to talk about another Mum. Even if what she said was nice it’s still not good to chat about other parent who she is presumably being paid by this cm

Fairyliz · 28/01/2023 10:00

What so the mum forgets to pick up her children a few times and yet you think badly of the childminder?
I think if that’s true the mum will struggle to find another childminder.

mustgetoffmn · 28/01/2023 10:01

mustgetoffmn · 28/01/2023 09:59

I don’t understand why you describe someone as not a friend but would then wonder whether to tell them about something cm said? I get that you might become closer but what would be the purpose? Yes that’s out of order of cm to talk about another Mum. Even if what she said was nice it’s still not good to chat about other parent who she is presumably being paid by this cm

Show quote history

I mean cm being paid by parent!

mustgetoffmn · 28/01/2023 10:07

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/01/2023 12:54

What's disgusting? Someone with mental health problems having a child? Your mum shouldn't have told you all that especially as you are so judgemental

Show quote history

Crikey you are 34 and hold that opinion? THATS disgusting!

mustgetoffmn · 28/01/2023 10:16

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 12:23

Yes I probably should have said something at the time but I froze a bit as didn;t know how to react!

It was a couple of things, one of them was that Childminder thought the mum was taking too much on and that was why she was disorganised, and apparently forgot to pick the kids up a few times (with an air of "who does that"?). More grumbling than anything.

I have texted the mum to meet for a coffee, and I think if the childminder does it again I'll just say something like @Ukholidaysaregreat said.

Oh it’s a shame but probably common that people who look after kids have an “expert” viewpoint which they enjoy sharing. To varying degrees of professional discretion. Cm should never name people they are being paid by fgs. Absolutely no re saying anything to Mum what help would that be ? it would either shame her or/ and make her angry and mistrust cm. She doesn’t need that by sounds of it.

BackAgainstWall · 28/01/2023 10:29

Yes, the CM was off /unprofessional talking about the mother like that, but in this scenario i really wouldn’t say anything to the mother.

Surely if we’re honest with ourselves (particularly when we were younger)we’ve all put our foot in it when we really shouldn’t have at some point.

But if the CM says something negative about her again, then I would definitely give her a look and tell her that actually Miss CM, you’re talking about a very good friend of mine.

You’ll be doing her a favour. If she’s bright enough, she’ll learn from the embarrassment if nothing else.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2023 10:30

What was cm saying

threatmatrix · 28/01/2023 11:06

To be perfectly honest if a childminder talked to you about another parent she’d do the same to you. I would be having a strong word with her, not the poor mum who probably has enough on her plate.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/01/2023 11:08

I would tell the childminder that discussing her clients is unprofessional and that if people were to hear about it her business would suffer.

T1Dmama · 28/01/2023 12:44

Depends really
if she’s just moaning that the mum dresses them in weird clothes or spoils them or whatever then I’d probably let it go…
however if she’s saying the mother is mental or neglectful or something really personal then I’d meet her for that coffee and tell her she needs to finds a new childminder asap

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 28/01/2023 14:30

Aurorabored · 26/01/2023 11:31

I wouldn’t say anything to her about the childminder if you think she’s already struggling. Losing her childcare is likely to help. I’d meet up with her and have a coffee.

If you hear the childminder talking about her charges’ parents like that again I’d ask her if she realises that she could be talking to that parent’s neighbour or cousin and never know it,

This

1stjjohnnymac · 29/01/2023 21:39

I'd stay out of it, make your own mind up so go for that coffee, childminders are not always easy to find 🤷‍♂️

Stewball01 · 01/02/2023 00:13

No. Don't say anything to the mum. It'd only upset her. Either say something to the cm or don't sit with her again.