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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum what the childminder says about her?

176 replies

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 11:14

I sometimes take my daughter to a playgroup where a few childminders attend. I was chatting to one of them this week and she was making comments about the mum of two of her charges. Not awful stuff, but pretty negative some of the parents' choices.
Thing is, she doesn't realise that I know the mum a little bit. We went to the same baby class a few times and our little ones were at the same nursery for a while (then they much have switched to the childminder). We're not friends particularly but we bumped into each other at a local attraction recently and she gave me her number and invited me for coffee. She seems lovely and like she's struggling a little bit.

So... Should I tell the mum that the childminder is making negative comments about her? Or say nothing? I will shortly be going on maternity leave and was planning on getting in touch to ask her if she'd still like a coffee.

OP posts:
princesssparklepants · 26/01/2023 12:22

No way tell the mum!
What good would it do?

"What others think of me is none of my business" is a pretty accurate quote for situations like this.

I'd think about changing to a more professional child minder though!

Sellorkeep · 26/01/2023 12:22

Imagine what she might be saying about you to other parents!

coldcoffee12 · 26/01/2023 12:23

I would 'titter' the next time and say 'goodness what must you say about me when im not around'

Dont mention it to the other mum

Original poster
Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 12:23

Yes I probably should have said something at the time but I froze a bit as didn;t know how to react!

It was a couple of things, one of them was that Childminder thought the mum was taking too much on and that was why she was disorganised, and apparently forgot to pick the kids up a few times (with an air of "who does that"?). More grumbling than anything.

I have texted the mum to meet for a coffee, and I think if the childminder does it again I'll just say something like @Ukholidaysaregreat said.

OP posts:
Sartre · 26/01/2023 12:24

It’s a tricky one because you have zero loyalty to either person, it isn’t as if either of them is your best friend. Totally depends on what was said, if it’s something you’d want to know personally if your CM said it about you then tell her. If it’s negative enough that the Mum ought to find a new CM, she should probably know.

Original poster
Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 12:25

I'm not going to report her to Ofsted though!

And I doubt she'd have anything to say about me, I'm not sure she even knows my name!

OP posts:
maddy68 · 26/01/2023 12:28

I wouldnt tell your friend. Bit I would tell the childminder that it is unprofessional to discuss their charges parents. And say you overheard and you know her

MermaidMummy06 · 26/01/2023 12:30

I just like to comment something like 'Oh, I know her. We've met a few times. She's lovely. I must call her'.

Usually this is enough to stop the gossip AND remind the child minder she never knows who she's talking to, so watch her words.

Dogsafety123 · 26/01/2023 12:31

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 12:25

I'm not going to report her to Ofsted though!

And I doubt she'd have anything to say about me, I'm not sure she even knows my name!

You use a childminder who doesn’t know your name?!

MmeCamenbert · 26/01/2023 12:32

To be fair, I'm a child minder and it DRIVES ME INSANE when parents are consistently late collecting their children. I have a family and a life (think normal things like Dr's appointments, my children's activities, shopping etc.....) I have lost count of the amount of things my children and myself have missed because I've had to stay at home and wait for parents! Not to mention the number of hours I work and just want to finish and relax! Yesterday I worked for 9 1/2 hrs and a parent was 30mins late so it was 10hrs, that's exhausting!

PollyPut · 26/01/2023 12:32

007DoubleOSeven · 26/01/2023 11:17

I think it depends on what was being said.

I probably would tell her, but I'd also correct the child minder publicly and tell her that you know this woman and (presumably) her opinions aren't accurate.

agree with this.

Newlifestartingatlast · 26/01/2023 12:34

Cannaa89 · 26/01/2023 11:55

It is extremely unprofessional of the childminder to be discussing parents (basically her employers), not to mention she is clearly breaching confidentiality if you are able to identify exactly which parent she's talking about. She has professional standards to maintain and needs to realise this - imagine if a nursery worker was strutting about slagging off parents, they'd be sacked!

Personally I probably wouldn't tell the person but I'd make it clear to the childminder how unprofessional her behaviour is - sounds like she has no insight and needs to be given a fright.

This. Don’t tell the childminder you know the mum
just say to the childminder she is being unprofessional, breaking confidentiality, and if you ever hear her being unprofessional again you’ll not be recommending her to anyone who asks .
particua
Particularly if she named names

DoNotGetADog · 26/01/2023 12:35

Well…who DOES forget to collect their children a few times???

WindscreenWipe · 26/01/2023 12:35

It depends on the comments but, frankly, if she’s openly slagging off a mother in earshot of her children then that’s her being a bad childminder, I think the mother should know that she’s not doing her job as she should be.

DisappearingGirl · 26/01/2023 12:36

It was a couple of things, one of them was that Childminder thought the mum was taking too much on and that was why she was disorganised, and apparently forgot to pick the kids up a few times (with an air of "who does that"?). More grumbling than anything.

I would put this in the category of "mild grumble among friends" and would not pass it on and upset people!

Greenalien1 · 26/01/2023 12:37

I wouldn't personally, if you know she's struggling maybe wait to try and gauge a better time. I'm struggling myself at the moment and this seems like the kind of thing that would tip me over the edge 🙈

Shelefttheweb · 26/01/2023 12:38

Hopelessacademic · 26/01/2023 12:23

Yes I probably should have said something at the time but I froze a bit as didn;t know how to react!

It was a couple of things, one of them was that Childminder thought the mum was taking too much on and that was why she was disorganised, and apparently forgot to pick the kids up a few times (with an air of "who does that"?). More grumbling than anything.

I have texted the mum to meet for a coffee, and I think if the childminder does it again I'll just say something like @Ukholidaysaregreat said.

Then no. Though I might warn the mum that forgetting to pick up kids is the sort of thing that childminders share if she ever needed to change.

ChildminderMum · 26/01/2023 12:41

Unprofessional of the childminder to moan about work/parents. She should keep that kind of thing for purely childminder groups!

As it doesn't sound like she was saying anything too bad, personal about the mum, I would probably just let the childminder know that you know her - next time you're at the playgroup say to her 'oh I went for coffee with baby x's mum at the weekend, I told her I see you at playgroup - that will probably be enough to remind the childminder about professional boundaries!

Upsidedownagain · 26/01/2023 12:42

No don't tell the poor mum. Many people gossip and I'm sure I wouldn't want to know what people said about me. In similar situations I never tell anyone what someone else said about them.

I would try to counteract the CM if in conversation with them. Just to make it clear that you think she is being inappropriate- she should be more mindful as a person, not just as a CM, that she may be talking about people that her listeners know.

PinktomatoesandPips · 26/01/2023 12:43

I had similar with a nursery manager. Started with mild criticism and escalated to false accusations. I nearly lost my children as these people will , when found out abuse their title of ‘professional’. A parent then has to work doubly hard to prove their innocence as a professional opinion is respected

Wrongsideofpennines · 26/01/2023 12:44

Why would you tell her? You think she's struggling and telling her someone is criticising her parenting is not going to be helpful in any way. It could break down the childcare situation over a little bit of gossiping. Or worse and make the mother's mental health deteriorate.

It was unprofessional of the childminder. If its mentioned again then tell her you would rather she doesn't speak about people like that. But please don't tell the mother that someone was bitching about her behind her back.

BubziOwl · 26/01/2023 12:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I can't quite make my mind up with this one, but that's where I'm leaning to as well.

Just a random woman making comments? Don't mention it. But someone I am paying to look after my children? I'd certainly want to know.

But it's a tricky one as everyone feels differently about these things, I think.

Teaandtoast3 · 26/01/2023 12:49

I’d literally just say something to the childminder personally

Mythril · 26/01/2023 12:53

Of course you shouldn't tell the mum. Jesus. The childminder is being unprofessional by discussing clients but unless she's saying worrying things no need to stir further.

And from your later comments sounds like the CM complaints were legit anyway. I've forgotten to pick up my kids too, and I'm sure it's a pain in the bum for staff!

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/01/2023 12:54

WeepingSomnambulist · 26/01/2023 12:08

My mum was a childminder and one of th baby's was a "looked after" child. My mum looked after her as she looked after lots of kids that were in childcare on social workers advice, to give the parents a break and the allow the child to have someone else checking them every day. So this baby had a 32 year old mum with a lot of mental health problems and the dad was just turned 18.
I was a young teen at the time and I remember giving it all that about my opinion on how disgusting it was and my mum gave me short shrift about being judgemental and talking about parents of her charges, whether or not what I said was true didnt matter. She told me I had no right to be saying it when these people were working with authorities to get the help they needed etc.

As a 34 year old, I still think it was disgusting but I've learned not to gossip with my opinion.

What's disgusting? Someone with mental health problems having a child? Your mum shouldn't have told you all that especially as you are so judgemental

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