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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird to go to a concert/holiday with 16 year old daughter?

468 replies

RedLines · 26/01/2023 09:56

I am a father of 4 and only my youngest is at home.
Divorced and have my 16 year old daughter half the time.
I have taken her to a couple of concerts - Billy Eilish etc and have just bought a couple of tickets for another concert, at her request.

My new partner of over a year is very put out by this and thinks it is wierd and unhealthy for a father to be taking his daughter to a concert.

Similarly, I have an interest in a house in Spain and last year went to Spain to the house with her for a fortnight, the other kids were busy and didn't come or there was only a couple of days overlap with my eldest daughter.

My partner thinks that it is really weird that a father goes on holiday alone with his daughter.
For context this is a house that has been in the family for 40 years and has 4 bedrooms and two bathrooms and has been a holiday destination every year for all of the family.

I am blindsided by the position taken by my partner!

Can I ask if

1.) It is unusual or wierd for a father to go to a music concert with his 16 year old daughter

2.)It is unusual or wierd for a father to go on holiday with his 16 year old daughter (she was 15 last summer)

OP posts:
Usernameisunavailable · 26/01/2023 16:40

Your partner is the weird one. Jealous of your relationship maybe? No way should you have to seek permission to spend time with your own daughter or made to feel bad about it. Major red flag territory.

nothingmuchaboutjerry · 26/01/2023 16:44

My step-mum did this with my dad. We had a brilliant father-daughter relationship well into my teens. We holidayed, ate out etc. She came along and all of a sudden it was weird or inappropriate. She pushed and pushed until eventually we did nothing. I left to live with my mum when I was 15 and I've not seen him since, he allowed another woman to ruin what we had. Do not allow this to happen to you.

thing47 · 26/01/2023 16:47

I am not used to having to ask permission to spend time with my children or my family. My relationship with my children is very solid and is not negatiable

This is 100% right. You sound like a great dad. Going to gigs with one of your children and without your partner is fine – it happens all the time here because DH and I like different music and DS and DD2 have crossover tastes (or more likely enjoy having someone else buy the tickets 😂)

UseOfWeapons · 26/01/2023 17:06

Not weird, lovely.
Your partner, however, definitely weird, and not in a good way. Jealous, controlling, or fucked it, just get rid, and enjoy your time with your children. A reasonable woman would it was a sign of a good father, your partner, obviously not!

Rainbowgrey · 26/01/2023 17:14

My partner is taking our 7 year old to see George Ezra in a couple of months, he'll be taking her out to dinner beforehand.....not weird in the slightest. I'd go see a band with my dad and go for dinner with him too.

Is it Ok for her to spend time with her kids one to one?

Menopausecankissmyass · 26/01/2023 17:56

Your partner sounds jealous if you ask me (sorry if this has been said before, not read through all the replies)

You are doing something lovely with your daughter, don't ever stop that x

ThreeblackCats · 26/01/2023 18:00

I have to agree with everyone else, it’s your new partner thats weird and nasty. I doubt you’ll listen but my advice would be to dump her and continue to be a great dad.
Also, I’ve never seen such a high number 100% vote yanbu.

Simulacra · 26/01/2023 18:24

nothingmuchaboutjerry · 26/01/2023 16:44

My step-mum did this with my dad. We had a brilliant father-daughter relationship well into my teens. We holidayed, ate out etc. She came along and all of a sudden it was weird or inappropriate. She pushed and pushed until eventually we did nothing. I left to live with my mum when I was 15 and I've not seen him since, he allowed another woman to ruin what we had. Do not allow this to happen to you.

Similar here, and it’s why my ExH only casually dates; we were friends when my Dad met his current wife, so he saw first hand what happened, and has spent 20 years watching shit go from bad to worse (I’m now NC and my DDs barely knew him anyway so it’s no loss to them).

It’s brutal how a man can just casually throw aside a child they’ve raised alone for years in favour of a new woman. If I had to write a list of impossible things that could never happen to me, that would have been the top, but it did.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/01/2023 18:36

RedLines · 26/01/2023 15:19

Thanks for all the replies.

A couple of other things that seemed unreasonable....
1.) Took my daughter to a Vietnamese restaurant the other evening, (because it was late and I couldn't be bothered to cook), my partner thought that this was strange..that I should have been going with her and not my daughter

2.) Took my daughter to cornwall for a couple of days, literally a couple of days! Down on a Wed after work, stayed over-night with my sister, went back the following day after work. She was really annoyed I hadn't asked her about this and only told her on the Wednesday what I was doing.

I am not used to having to ask permission to spend time with my children or my family. My relationship with my children is very solid and is not negatiable.

Show quote history

So presumably she does nothing with her sons outside of the house and has never taken them on holiday alone?

Strugglingtodomybest · 26/01/2023 18:40

All the issues you've described are red flags. Your girlfriend sounds like she is very controlling, or at least trying to be!

GrinAndVomit · 26/01/2023 19:18

Yep she sounds like my stepdad

”Mum, do you fancy going for a bit of lunch at that nice Italian?”

”oh sorry, your stepdad loves it there. I couldn’t go without him”

but imagine every single thing you ever ask her to do…

Long story short, neither me nor my brother have contact with her anymore

Shinytaps · 26/01/2023 19:29

You sound like a great Dad and your partner seems to have some very strange views.

blubberyboo · 26/01/2023 19:35

Get rid of this woman.

she is jealous of your daughter and the time you spend with her. You will find her becoming more and more critical of everything you do with your daughter until she has prised you away from her and driven a wedge between you.

then your daughter will be out in the cold and she will suddenly become the most important person in your life to the point where she dictates that it’s her house and your daughter is less and less welcome

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/01/2023 19:40

Nothing weird at all, definitely don’t stop doing these things with your daughter. Your partner seems jealous.

J578 · 26/01/2023 20:03

Your partner is the weird one.

ChronicallyCarryingOn · 26/01/2023 20:29

Totally not weird.

I used to do loads of things as a teen with my step dad (I was an only child) including multiple holidays. Had a blast. Go for it I say!

FabFitFifties · 26/01/2023 20:34

Your DP is jealous of your daughter - red flag. I'm not so clear cut about your update though. Do you normally see your DP on a Wednesday? I can see how she might have felt dumped with no notice. Your DP does deserve some respect/to be valued.

reelcat · 26/01/2023 20:52

Not weird at all! You have a lovely relationship with your daughter please don't let anyone get in the way of that. Although my parents are still together I often used to (and still do) love doing things and going away with just my dad!

LaDamaDeElche · 26/01/2023 20:56

Your partner is red flag central. Get rid.

Beck2023 · 26/01/2023 21:21

Is the issue about you spending time with your daughter/family or about you not discussing plans.
are you living together?
you’ve been seeing each other a year so it’s fairly steady. Is she expecting to see you certain nights and then you’re dropping her and not telling her?

Notsuchaniceguy · 27/01/2023 08:38

Read all these replies OP. Do not let a partner damage your relationship with your child. I did and my daughter and I will pay that price for the rest of our lives.

If and it sounds a big if, the problem is merely that your partner isn't given notice of plan changes then that is perhaps solvable. But it sounds more than that - comments about it being weird you go to a gig or on holiday with her are plain wrong. As I said before, the pain of splitting up a relationship is nothing compared to the pain of a damaged relationship with your children.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 27/01/2023 08:47

I think your partner is weird, and quite frankly needs to mind their own business. I go to concerts and on holiday with my 15-year-old DS, because I’m a single parent, and that’s what single parents have to do, and you know, me and my DS like a lot of the same bands, and I’m paying for the tickets so I’m bloody well going.

Beamur · 27/01/2023 10:12

Just to add to this - my DH has 2 older children too and I used to encourage him to take his DD out by herself sometimes so they had 1:1 time. It's really not ok for a partner/step parent to be jealous of their step kids. Not would I have expected him to ask for permission from me, although a courtesy would be to talk to me if it had impacted on me in any way.

Underparmummy · 27/01/2023 17:46

No its lovely, well done for having that relationship with your 16 year old daughter! Do not let this partner ruin that.

LovelyIssues · 27/01/2023 17:46

Your partner has a sick mind. Get rid