To want to tell immediate family we are TTC

[jugglingplates]

DP and I have been TTC our first child for 6 months. I am very close to my immediate family (see them weekly, speak daily) and wanted to tell my mum from the beginning but DP said no. He's a private person and didn't want any pressure from family (which I don't think they would do anyway).

Our TTC journey hasn't been straightforward. I'm disabled and have had to stop/change medications, and go through two rounds of genetic testing to see what the chances are of passing my condition on (minimal, thankfully). I'm already under an obstetrician and lots of planning went into even getting to the point of TTC. I'm finding it emotionally and physically challenging and need support, and people to share my excitement with too!

DP said we would review at 6 months, but he is still saying no to telling anyone. He says I can go to him for support, which I do, but I'd really like to share this with my mum. DP doesn't get excited about things like baby names or prams, and is very laidback so I feel I am carrying all the stress and worry. I would have no problem with him sharing this with his immediate family or best friend.

AIBU, because at this point I really feel that he is?!

[fairysimples]

Can see his point tbh. But I can also see yours.

[PaddyDingDong]

I wouldn't personally and didn't. In the kindest of ways don't get excited about prams and names etc til you're very pregnant.

[RudsyFarmer]

Well I’m not sure this is his decision to make. Is he exhibiting controlling behaviour anywhere else in your life? If I want to talk to my mum about something I talk to my mum about something. No one is going to stop me.

[Shoxfordian]

I wouldn’t have anyone telling me what I can and can’t talk to my Mum about so yanbu

[Littlebutload]

I am on your DPs side, I didn't want everybody knowing we were TTC either plus it's nice to share the excitement between yourselves as couple first before telling other people

[Daydre4mer]

I wouldn’t dream of telling people we are having sex with the aim of getting pregnant. Our sex life is private.
Saying to friends and family you’d like to have a family ‘one day’ in my opinion is fine.

Honestly it will put even more pressure on you. ‘Are you pregnant yet??’ Etc.

[LittleLegoWoman]

Would he agree you could talk about medical things relating to you but not to him?
So any appointments about you you can discuss, but you don’t share anything about sperm analysis etc if that’s something you need to do as part of this process.

[MatildaTheCat]

How discreet is your mum?

I wouldn’t confide in my own mum but would be unable to not talk with my closest friend. I trust her completely. Very difficult if DH sees that as a betrayal but you obviously actually need more support than he’s able to offer.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

There probably won’t be pressure but once it’s out people will be watching you for news, wondering if you’re going to make an announcement, extra sensitive about mentioning other people’s pregnancies.

You’d be telling them you’re having unprotected sex, I understand you’re also having tests and changing meds, but ttc is basically as above and given he’s the other person involved he’s allowed an opinion.

[Wishawisha]

I didn’t tell close family but that was my decision and yours is that you’d like to tell them, so I think you should.
Your DP should understand that you need this support. As you have said, it’s not just excitement about TTC there’s a medical aspect to it in your case and I think that’s something you should have support from in your support network.
My support network was my DH and a couple of close friends and yours is your family.

[TakeYourFinalPosition]

Can you talk about it anonymously, on places like this? It’s not your mum, but it might be a middle ground?

I’m with your DH, I’d hate anyone to know I was having sex and TTC, it’d feel intrusive and I’d struggle to see or talk to anyone who I knew was aware. It’d put masses more pressure on, and it feels so personal.

[Username24680]

I’m on your DPs side with this one actually @jugglingplates. Even if you don’t think they would bring it up or cause any pressure - maybe your DH would feel extra pressure just because they know?
if it’s really important to you to involve your mum at this early stage then what about talking to him about a compromise - when you get pregnant, you can tell your mum when you guys find out rather than waiting?

[dustydewdrop]

Personally I wouldn’t. I feel it’s just added pressure and they’d be asking/wondering all the time if I was expecting yet.

[GaspingGekko]

Do you want to share because of the testing etc? If that is the support you require I can kinda understand.
If you want to share that you have stopped using protection during sex, just so family members are excited about a future baby, then I think you should respect his wishes.

[mummymeister]

telling people about this adds significantly to the pressure on you both. I am with your DH. if you do they will be constantly asking you if there is any news etc. this bit of your life should be about you and your dh and no need to include or involve anyone else. again as someone upthread has said, please dont be thinking about prams and names at this stage. infertility is horrible and made worse by false hopes and over sharing. if you are unfortunate enough to fall into this category then you will be glad that you didnt overshare. wait until you have some happy news to tell them and then if you want discuss the struggle of it.

[RudsyFarmer]

The OP has said she is disabled and accessing a lot of medical intervention that she’d like support with, from her family. This isn’t a simple case of TTC and only wanting to talk about frivolous things like names and prams.

[WimpoleHat]

Difficult. My friend had a rough time with her family constantly doing the “don’t you want kids? I’m sure you’d love it….” bit. She was TTC without success and found it awful; I’m sure they’d have been a lot more sensitive had they known. And I can see why you’d like the support from your mum. Equally, though, I can see why your DH doesn’t want details of his sex life/sperm count shared with his MIL. I think you need to keep talking and come to an agreement between you.

[Johnnysgirl]

but I'd really like to share this with my mum
Why? . Share the pregnancy by all means, but ttc should really be between the couple involved, tbh.
Do you really want to report every shag to your Mum, and have her cross her fingers that this is the one that does it? I find that totally weird.

[Puppers]

It’s not controlling for him to object to personal details of the most intimate part of his life to be shared with his in-laws. It’s not controlling to have a boundary. PPs may say they wouldn’t have anyone dictate whether they could share this with their own mum, but equally I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where intimate details of my marriage were up for wider family consumption.

OP of course he can’t stop you speaking to your mum or anyone else, but he’s telling you that he values privacy and that’s not unreasonable. I’d also consider whether involving more people is actually likely to make this experience less stressful or the opposite. What if it takes a long time? How will it feel when you know you’ve got extended family on the sidelines waiting for a big announcement every time you see them?

[WandaWonder]

We told people when I was pregnant, no one needed to know we were having unprotected sex what were they meant say?

[maddy68]

Personally I think it's a bit weird. All you are doing is basically saying to your parents that you are shagging

[Scalottia]

@Johnnysgirl

but I'd really like to share this with my mum
Why? . Share the pregnancy by all means, but ttc should really be between the couple involved, tbh.
Do you really want to report every shag to your Mum, and have her cross her fingers that this is the one that does it? I find that totally weird.

Agree with this. I don't want to hear about people TTC to be honest. This part should stay between the couple.

[Phrenologistsfinger]

Yeah, tell who you want but my advice js don’t jump the gun! Ttc can be a difficult arduous journey. Don’t be me, with 13 miscarriages, no kids and baby stuff in the loft I’ll never use and have the heartbreaking task of decluttering…

[jugglingplates]

@RudsyFarmer

The OP has said she is disabled and accessing a lot of medical intervention that she’d like support with, from her family. This isn’t a simple case of TTC and only wanting to talk about frivolous things like names and prams.

Thanks Rudsy, this is exactly why I would like to share with my mum. I wouldn't normally want anyone to know details of my sex life but I am going through tough decisions around things like genetic testing and also worsened physical health due to coming off meds. My family can already see that I am in more pain, my movement is worse etc. but I can't tell them why. If it was a straightforward TTC journey I would happily keep it to ourselves.

[RudsyFarmer]

Look, I think you need to gently tell your OH that you WILL be talking to your mum about your TTC journey so far but won’t be discussing sex, frequency, enjoyment etc etc. it’s literally going to be you talking about the medical and emotional side.

if he still has a problem with that then you are going to have to agree to disagree. You want the support from your family and that is completely natural.