To want to tell immediate family we are TTC

[jugglingplates]

DP and I have been TTC our first child for 6 months. I am very close to my immediate family (see them weekly, speak daily) and wanted to tell my mum from the beginning but DP said no. He's a private person and didn't want any pressure from family (which I don't think they would do anyway).

Our TTC journey hasn't been straightforward. I'm disabled and have had to stop/change medications, and go through two rounds of genetic testing to see what the chances are of passing my condition on (minimal, thankfully). I'm already under an obstetrician and lots of planning went into even getting to the point of TTC. I'm finding it emotionally and physically challenging and need support, and people to share my excitement with too!

DP said we would review at 6 months, but he is still saying no to telling anyone. He says I can go to him for support, which I do, but I'd really like to share this with my mum. DP doesn't get excited about things like baby names or prams, and is very laidback so I feel I am carrying all the stress and worry. I would have no problem with him sharing this with his immediate family or best friend.

AIBU, because at this point I really feel that he is?!

I think it’s ok, and I think if the situation was reversed and he wanted to confide for support but you didn’t, it would be ok for him too

I am very open with my family and have 100% needed their support on the rollercoaster that is TTC. A MMC, 3 rounds of surgery, no periods for a year and now referral to a fertility clinic - why would I not want to discuss the biggest thing in my life right now with my own mother!? And why would I let my DH police my conversations!?

I wouldn't let anyone tell me what I can talk to my family about. YANBU to talk to your mum.

Imagine if roles reversed and your husband wants to tell his mum for support (against your wishes)!!

mumsnet would go batshit on him and tell you to leave him!

I wouldn't tell my family.

My DH would know I had - my poker face is terrible.

One he knew that it was no longer private between us, he'd be really reluctant to continue TTC as he'd feel under pressure.

How do I know?

That's how his first marriage ended.

we didn't tell anyone we were TTC despite (or perhaps because) it taking quite a bit of time.
however I think it is different when you are going through complex medical interventions and testing etc. more than one close members of our immediate family are going through this and all couples have chosen to be open about the process. As a family this has meant we have been able to be supportive and avoid any unintended / unhelpful comments or questions, but being quietly supportive when needed and sensitive to what the couples are going through. Fertility treatments is far more complex and medical. From this experience, a couples sex life doesn't even come into it. All parts of the process have been done at appointments and in consulting rooms and laboratories. I am shocked by some of the early responses on this thread!

If it’s about your medical side effects you don’t need to say your are ttc just that your meds are being tweaked and that.

It however sounds you want to talk about the baby part mainly form the whole bit about names and prams. I’m not sure I’d want my every move or drinks being checked for what could be a pregnancy sign.

Also the pressure you put on you and him basically announcing your trying for a grand baby will be a lot not the same as even confiding in a sibling or a best friend.

You could even put dh off from trying if he feels too pressured. Men are not always none to erm preform well under pressure which could add another issue in your ttc and then he will think rightly or wrongly if that happened that you’d be discussing that too with your mother possibly. I wouldn’t be able to look her in face thinking she new something like that as the man.

Ultimately any medical issues with your body you are free to discuss with anyone you want however. Not his though and you are both allowed to feel however you feel about that.

It however sounds you want to talk about the baby part mainly form the whole bit about names and prams.
Yes, op, it's far too early to expect your oh to settle down for cosy discussions about names and prams. Who discusses prams before they're even pregnant?

Gosh, mumsnet is brutal 😂certainly not expecting cosy conversations about prams and not criticising my OH for not wanting to discuss this. Just saying that there are baby related conversations I’d like to share with someone close to me.

I have been seeing obstetricians and planning this baby for 7 years. Alongside all the difficult parts of the journey I really want to be able to enjoy some of it and be excited that this might finally happen for me.

Just saying that there are baby related conversations I’d like to share with someone close to me.

I get that OP, But when the times comes (when you're actually pregnant) you can have all these lovely conversation with anyone you wish right?

Alongside all the difficult parts of the journey I really want to be able to enjoy some of it and be excited that this might finally happen for me.

No one's saying you shouldn't be excited about the thought of it all happening, there's a reason why people are saying wait until you're actually pregnant to have these conversation as the disappointment in the TTC journey can be quite brutal. Some of us have been there, so we know. Anyways, good luck with it all x

But it's her medical problems she wants to discuss with her mum. Her worries and her stress. That is entirely independent to the husband.

Yes, her DH is involved (obviously) but he doesn't get to forbid her from discussing her own body with anyone she chooses, unless you think that men get to have that level of control over their wives which is - obviously - bullshit.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with immediate family discussing my sex life and also you are leaving yourself a sitting duck to people endlessly asking you if you are pregnant. So if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t be at all keen.

I can see it’s tricky if you are very close to your immediate family.

But on balance I don’t see what you lose by not telling them? Surely if they expect updates on this they are being quite intrusive?

Ok. Your initial post says different, but ok...

@antipodeancanary

HER need for support due to HER disability & medical needs outweighs his preference for anyone knowing they're (shock horror, having sex)

Your reference to prams and names and how your partner isn’t keen to spend time discussing things like do suggest it’s but just about the current impact on your health.

Plenty of posters have pointed out that these aren’t things lots of couples talk about until the woman is pregnant. Even then pregnancy can feel extremely long and there’s no rush. You’ve got time for all that and are jumping the gun trying to do it now.

Prams couldn’t interest me less, we ended up with one DH found on eBay when I was about 30 weeks.

I can see that if you’re finding the process a struggle you want the distraction of those things but DP might worry you’re going to get very involved in it all when it’s hard to know when and how things will go for you as a couple trying to start a family.

People keep saying how would you feel if the situation were reversed - but, surely, it's not a situation that works like that? Firstly, because the OP is the one whose medical conditions unfortunately make TTC difficult, so it is her body, and secondly, because the OP is the one who will carry the baby, so it is her body again.

I would totally understand that there's a different set of concerns if, for example, the OP's husband had medical issues that made TTC or conception tricky. But he doesn't. And he won't be the one who gets pregnant.

When my DP was TTC I definitely felt that telling people or not telling people was up to her. It's her body, not mine. I do wonder if some posters are trying scrupulously to be 'fair' about a situation that, by its nature, just isn't equal? The OP's husband just isn't in the same boat here.

He's not in the same boat in medical terms, but his privacy is compromised just the same against his will if the OP confides in her mother that they are trying to conceive. In the OP's situation I would find a therapist in order to talk through the situation without violating her partner's desire for a sex life that's not a subject of familial discussion.

That is an astoundingly patronising post.

Also - as someone who has 'been there,' as you so smugly put it - you'll find that people who struggle to get pregnant aren't all the same. You may not have wanted to communicate until you were 'actually pregnant,' but the brutal fact is that, for many women, it's not a case of 'waiting until you're pregnant,' it's coming to terms with the fact it's not going to happen. In that situation, unfortunately, people do need support and they should take it in whatever form works for them. Obviously, I really hope it's not like this for the OP and that her TTC journey goes as smoothly as possible. But I think making her feel she isn't allowed to communicate with her mum just because you didn't, is a bit mean.

I think it'd be lovely if the OP felt that she could get the support she needs from someone outside the family, like a therapist (or an anonymous MN thread, as someone else suggested). But what if she can't? Why does his desire for privacy trump hers for support, when it's all about her body?

I'm afraid I agree with PP that that sounds very controlling.

Absolutely agree.

Oh gosh, I can see it from both sides really and there's no compromise really is there. What I do think is unfair is he said to leave it 6 months and you did. Now he's moved the goalposts.
I guess it's not a secret as such so you shouldn't have to hide it, however there's not really anything to tell so unsure who needs to know.

If it's about letting someone know about your change of meds etc because that will affect how you're feeling then I can see your point, however if it's to discuss names and get excited about your fictitious baby i think thats OTT. I don't know your mum but would she actually be interested at this stage? Id definitely hate the idea of my pregnancy status being a 'thing'.
I guess the answer is get pregnant quickly then 🤞

I wasn't trying to be patronizing. Just giving my point of view as you are giving yours!!! I wasn't "smugly" putting anything and I don't know why you've turned me giving a bit of advice to the OP into me being "patronizing"🙄

Off course I know it's not the case for every woman but I also know how hard TTC is and the many disappointments and the many questions about "are you pregnant yet? hence the basis of my advice. Take it however you want but I wasn't being patronizing not in the slightest!

But how on earth can you think it's not smug and patronising to tell the OP you know better than her because you've 'been there'?

You don't. If you'd taken the time to read the thread, you'd also know that your experience isn't everyone's, so there was no point in claiming that having 'been there' gave you special knowledge.

I think offering advice or opinions is absolutely fine, but you didn't say 'here's my opinion'. You said 'Some of us have been there, so we know'.

Whatever. here's your cookie. You have the best advice. FFS

But how on earth can you think it's not smug and patronising to tell the OP you know better than her because you've 'been there'?
She didn't, ffs! Stop projecting.