To want to tell immediate family we are TTC

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DP and I have been TTC our first child for 6 months. I am very close to my immediate family (see them weekly, speak daily) and wanted to tell my mum from the beginning but DP said no. He's a private person and didn't want any pressure from family (which I don't think they would do anyway).

Our TTC journey hasn't been straightforward. I'm disabled and have had to stop/change medications, and go through two rounds of genetic testing to see what the chances are of passing my condition on (minimal, thankfully). I'm already under an obstetrician and lots of planning went into even getting to the point of TTC. I'm finding it emotionally and physically challenging and need support, and people to share my excitement with too!

DP said we would review at 6 months, but he is still saying no to telling anyone. He says I can go to him for support, which I do, but I'd really like to share this with my mum. DP doesn't get excited about things like baby names or prams, and is very laidback so I feel I am carrying all the stress and worry. I would have no problem with him sharing this with his immediate family or best friend.

AIBU, because at this point I really feel that he is?!

That's a really weird and unnecessary response. I don't imagine my advice is any better than anyone else's - you are the person who thinks you 'know' everything!

I'm very open and tell everyone my business.
DH is very private.
So as a compromise, I picked one person in my family who I knew I could trust, and confided in her our difficult TTC efforts. She's the kind of person who would take your secret to the grave. And she never asked about it until I brought it up first and never mentioned to DH that she knew.
That's the kind of person you want - if that's your mum, then ask your DH for that kind of arrangement.
My mum is an absolute blab. She would stop strangers in the street to tell them my buisness so she never got told until we were annoucing the pregnancy.

If you want to tell your mum and get some emotional and moral support from her, do it. Same goes friends, siblings, cousins. Anyone you can want to reaxh out to for comfort and support. This isn't a simple case of "we are trying for a baby and I'm so excited I could burst", OP is going through quite a gruelling time and still has a long way to go on their TTC journey. Your partner cannot be the only person you can turn to. For one thing, it's a lot for both of you, and for another, if they don't give the support you need, you're a bit stuck.

I dont want to judge your entire relationship from a snippet on a mumsnet post, but I would say in this instance while your partners intentions may be good and they may be trying to protect themselves as well as you, its a bit controlling. This is not your partners decision to make, if you need or want to tell your mum that should be up to you.

All the very best with your TTC journey, wishing you good health and joy, no matter the outcome.

I'm very open and have told plenty of people when we're going to be TTC. I think it's healthy to talk about it!

You've told everybody before you've even started? 🤯

I’m not sure why you’ve taken against that poster. She doesn’t think she knows everything.

@Johnnysgirl yup! We're going to TTC number 2 in April. It comes up in convo when number 2 is happening so I just say. Don't see the point in keeping it a secret. If I'm struggling I'd want the support anyway

This brought me out in a bit of a cold sweat just thinking about it.

You tell acquaintances you are TTC? What makes you think they want to know?

We talked about it a bit. It isn't a big deal. We weren't sure if we wanted children at all and had friends who felt similarly. So we sometimes discussed our feelings and if that had changed. At some point we all decided it was what we wanted and talked about that which is effectively announcing we were TTC.

Met lots of other women via NCT and baby groups. There was sometimes conversation about timings of second children and sometimes people would say they were ready to try again.

No idea what brings out the.pearly clutching about that.

Honestly I don’t get this. But then I also didn’t tell any family when I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks because I thought every month they’d be watching me to see if I was pregnant again. Why would you want that additional pressure and scrutiny?

Can’t you just say to your mum that you’ve changed some of your medication so that you can start a family in the future? You don’t have to be specific about how soon in the future you’re hoping that is…

I also wouldn’t be chatting names and prams until way in to the pregnancy personally.

@DappledThings

It's not pearl clutching, I just wouldn't want to make myself a hostage to fortune over something I couldn't control like this....

No judgement at all but as soon as you say you're TTC you will get a drumbeat of requests for updates and people thinking your fertility or otherwise is their business. I just would never talk to anyone other than a really close friend or a medical professional about this.

Not my experience at all. When it was taking a long time the first time my parents asked a couple of times how it was going but I wanted to be asked. I wanted to talk about tests and specialists and wotnot but didn't always know how to bring it up.

Never felt any pressure from anyone.

But yes, if you think people might keep asking and you don't want to then keep it private. If you think they won't ask much or you would, like me, find it supportive rather than intrusive then go for it

Neither of you are right or wrong. He has a right to not want people knowing and you have a right to want to tell close family. Could you say 'if nothing's happened in 3 months I can tell them'?

Sure, there's nothing wrong with 'we'd like to start a family' (wouldn't even think about sex if worded like that) but not sure what kind of support you're after. Cycle tracking and updates on ovulation/sex/periods?

For deep/real support you're better of with best friend or a forum like this. Don't see what's so great about everyone knowing your private biz (it might be healthy for the teller but sometimes people don't want to know) but that's just me.

Fair point about people not wanting to know. I'm an oversharer, always have been. I'll try and keep it to myself abit more!

I can see why OP DH has concerns about announcing TTC - even well meaning family members can with best of intentions get annoying asking or offering unwanted advice.

We didn't tell anyone but announced all past 3 months and was taken aback how negative family members were as it had no practical impact on them as were were married and financial independent adults and near 30. You might find you don't get the expected name and pram conversations but concerted efforts to dissuade you from TTC.

This will depend on your family though who your DH and you know best.

All I can suggest is you keep talking to your DH and that you explain why you want someone to talk to about it all - and perhaps explain that you are finding it a strain not saying anything when your family can see a decline.

I would wait if I were you. It's been 6 month, so nothing unusual on TTC journey. I was quite shocked when my sister said they moved to bigger flat so there will be room for a baby, they are planning bigger car, so it will be better for baby etc. I could not live like open book, but I'm very private, some people probably aren't and it's fine too. I just don't know if I could deal with pressure of people asking "are you pregnant yet?" etc. If I struggled with fertility for a while, I would tell, otherwise no.

I personally don't understand why you'd even mention it to be honest. Nothings happened so far, nothing may happen for some time and ultimately the only change is in your birth control arrangements.

I just don't see this as a discussion point that feels worthy of being concerned about and feels like it's almost tempting fate for things not to happen quickly. The only people's business it is are you and your partner, it's not a group activity (I assume!) so I do agree with him.

Where on earth did you get that from? The OP says quite specifically what's happened (and is continuing to happen). That's why she wants support from her mum.

I can see where you are both coming from. Perhaps a compromise might be telling your mum only or your mum and dad? What I would say though is that you will both need to compromise on millions of things when you have the baby - who’s working what hours, nursery/childminder/nanny, who’s covering when the baby is sick etc etc. So you do need to listen to each other and find a way to compromise when you have strong opposing feelings. Good luck with it all

So ....you want to tell everyone you're having unprotected sex?

Is anything private anymore?

You should respect your DPs feelings on this.

Does it freak you out that people know you’re having sex regardless? Or will certainly assume so.

ps. Nobody finds it remotely interesting that you’re having sex. But depending on the relationship will find it massively interesting you’re TTC.

This thinking is so basic🤦🏼‍♀️

You are pressuring him into sharing this private information, so that you don't have to go behind his back. Good luck with TTC, perhaps you can access support for people with your condition in a similar position.

Do you have any close friends that you trust that you can talk to? To be honest if it was me I would tell my mum and ask her to keep it a secret from everyone. When me and DH were trying for our 1st it took nearly 3 years and we had a miscarriage, my mum knew we were trying and she was amazing support. I couldn't tell nobody because ttc is lonely, specially when it's taking a while