To want to tell immediate family we are TTC

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DP and I have been TTC our first child for 6 months. I am very close to my immediate family (see them weekly, speak daily) and wanted to tell my mum from the beginning but DP said no. He's a private person and didn't want any pressure from family (which I don't think they would do anyway).

Our TTC journey hasn't been straightforward. I'm disabled and have had to stop/change medications, and go through two rounds of genetic testing to see what the chances are of passing my condition on (minimal, thankfully). I'm already under an obstetrician and lots of planning went into even getting to the point of TTC. I'm finding it emotionally and physically challenging and need support, and people to share my excitement with too!

DP said we would review at 6 months, but he is still saying no to telling anyone. He says I can go to him for support, which I do, but I'd really like to share this with my mum. DP doesn't get excited about things like baby names or prams, and is very laidback so I feel I am carrying all the stress and worry. I would have no problem with him sharing this with his immediate family or best friend.

AIBU, because at this point I really feel that he is?!

Yeah, friends.

It’s very different thinking about your family in those circs. Rank.

Also, at the heart of this is a man who doesn’t want his wife’s family discussing his fertility behind his back or worse, to his face, speculating, asking questions… and the OP is disregarding that. 🚩

It's clearly not about that though, is it. FFS.

OP has stated it's not straightforward for her and would like support dealing with it all, which is perfectly understandable. Her DH doesn't get to tell her that she can't discuss this with her mum no matter what he personally feels about it.

I'm with your husband.

Although I'm not sure I'd be wanting to be pregnant if I had the medical complications you have :S Is there no other option that might be safer for you?

I don't think it's different, because I don't think about it. Friends, family, whatever. Talking about fertility struggles doesn't to me equal thinking about them having sex. It's thinking about their journey and how they are doing and what they are hoping for and what I can say to help or at least not make it worse.

Reducing that support to "euw, fucking" is really childish.

And it's her emotional needs to address with his family if she wants to. Same as I said before that if a man wants support from his family about fertility or miscarriage it's up to him too and not on for a woman to deny him seeking threat support.

I’d cut your DH some slack re baby names/prams. I didn’t get excited about those myself until I was 8mo pregnant and had to be, so I can’t imagine a guy who is not pregnant being excited about them until a baby is actually in front of them to be honest. Anything else is unrealistic expectations and setting the poor guy up for failure.

But you’d have to then accept that it may change how comfortable he is around his in-laws; which may impact on how often he is happy to see them.

I don't jump to imagining them shagging. Is that your first thought when someone announced they are pregnant? Or you imagine them dilating when you know they've had a baby?
What nonsense, that's related to an actual baby and is completely different.
Announcing you are ttc is literally announcing that you're shagging with intent. There's nothing else in the equation but the shagging 😁

It is his medical information too, not just hers.

The 'controlling' person here is the OP, if control is an issue, she's saying 'I'll do what I like, irrespective of what you think'. Maybe her partner will refuse to participate in this public event if she wants to broadcast their private life to all and sundry.

There's loads else. There's the future hopes and plans, the emotional and mental wellbeing, the physical toll miscarriage can take. Those are all things that would come to my mind before I imagined my friends or family members having sex.

Unless she is getting pregnant by immaculate conception it concerns him too

You sound far too involved in other people's lives if you immediately jump to all that worry and angst when someone announces they've decided to start a family.
Possible miscarriage?? Calm down, fgs.

A successful relationship should consist of two people in a state of compromise. You both have to evaluate what is important and then work out where the compromise is as it’s rarely possible for both people to get their way constantly.

Oh for goodness sake. That's obviously in a situation like OP's when there are ongoing difficulties and that's why she wants to discuss it.

If someone just announced they were planning to TTC I wouldn't think about all that. But I also still would be revolted or shocked by it or immediately just think about their sex life. I'd just think, "that's nice. Hope it works out".

Christ almighty. That’s a lot of projection.

Don’t tell me, you’re a hyper-empath…

Announcing you are ttc is literally announcing that you're shagging with intent

Shagging with intent 😂😂

LOL. Not in the least.

Like I said that's where someone has shared about their difficulties and miscarriages and fears. Like friends do. It's not a projection when it's brand new information.

But still my thoughts, in as much as there are any, if someone just says they are hoping to conceive soon are about the end product of a baby, not their personal mechanics in getting there!

DP has a valid point and should be respected. But given the specific scenario, I think you should explain why you want to talk to your mum. Only if you are 100% confident she will keep it private. TBH do you think your mum / family may have guessed, if you’ve had to make medication changes etc?

She might feel differently, but she might not.

I started TTC more than a decade ago; I've never managed to get very far into a pregnancy. And in the early years, I believed all the warnings about how you shouldn't tell anyone. Now, though, I feel really sad and angry about that. It's not a shameful secret if you struggle to get pregnant, or if it has complex effects on your health. Sure, you may not want to share the details with anyone, but actually, it is really lonely feeling as if this is a forbidden subject. And if you don't talk about it, you have no support. If you can't mention it to anyone, you keep having to bite your tongue at all the well-meaning 'oh, seems Sarah doesn't want kids' or 'come on Sarah, you'll want to hold the baby and get in practice, can't leave it too late, ha ha!' comments.

I don't think there is a right or wrong option - some people may prefer to say nothing - but I think it's wrong to assume the OP will regret her decision if she struggles to conceive. It could be she feels the exact opposite.

I’d also cut him some slack re baby names / prams. Why should he want to discuss this when you’re not pregnant yet, I certaintly wouldn’t want to (and I’m TTC).

Really? If you had a daughter who had a disability, you wouldn't have had any thoughts about how that disability might affect her if she ever decided to TTC? Perhaps I am over-involved, because I think it would be something I would have thought about.

If a random acquaintance told me they were TTC, sure, I might think 'ok, TMI but fine, whatever'. But the OP is talking about telling her mum, who probably will have at least considered the possibility of her DD trying for a child at some point.

Just to be clear, I am respecting DP’s wish not to share and not disregarding that at all. I am not suggesting going behind his back and telling people.

Can’t you tell your family that you have changed medication on advice of your doctor?
i can understand your DP - having his intimate life discussed with the in-laws might make him feel like a performance horse.
the constant… has it worked? How is it going? Are you pregnant? Still not? Has he had his sperm investigated? The looks to check if you are pregnant…might actually not want him to TTC…

I never told anyone. They didn't find out till after the 12 week scan. X