To want to tell immediate family we are TTC

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DP and I have been TTC our first child for 6 months. I am very close to my immediate family (see them weekly, speak daily) and wanted to tell my mum from the beginning but DP said no. He's a private person and didn't want any pressure from family (which I don't think they would do anyway).

Our TTC journey hasn't been straightforward. I'm disabled and have had to stop/change medications, and go through two rounds of genetic testing to see what the chances are of passing my condition on (minimal, thankfully). I'm already under an obstetrician and lots of planning went into even getting to the point of TTC. I'm finding it emotionally and physically challenging and need support, and people to share my excitement with too!

DP said we would review at 6 months, but he is still saying no to telling anyone. He says I can go to him for support, which I do, but I'd really like to share this with my mum. DP doesn't get excited about things like baby names or prams, and is very laidback so I feel I am carrying all the stress and worry. I would have no problem with him sharing this with his immediate family or best friend.

AIBU, because at this point I really feel that he is?!

If you tell one person, next thing you know you'll have random family members asking "any luck TTC ?" and as time goes on you'll wish you'd never said anything. It took DH and I four years to conceive - I only told my sister but in time everyone knew and it became so tiresome to answer snide questions about why it was taking so long.

I can see both sides to this but I'd be telling my h that mum needs to know as she's worried about your physical health and could be worried that you're more sick or have a new illness that you're contending with and she deserves to be freed from that worry. Reassure him that you won't discuss personal details like frequency of sex which is a reasonable thing for him to worry about.

I told my best friend, I asked her specifically not to ask me if im pregnant yet every time we spoke. But every time, in a twee voice "any news yet?"

You'll regret telling them

Generally I can never understand people telling others they are trying for a baby. I can understand you needing the support from your Mum OP, but can you totally trust her to keep your confidence? It would presumably help her stop worrying about your physical issues worsening - although she'd then just start worrying about your coping with pregnancy! Hope it works out for you.

I think it would be fair to tell your mum, so long as you can trust her to be discreet. As you say, it's not really the TTC bit you are discussing, but your medical situation, and you do deserve support. I'm not sure it's your DP's place to ban you from this sort of discussion. I do understand his discomfort, but it puts a big burden on you. Alternatively, if you know your mum will tell other people, can you find a trusted friend to talk to?

I think it helps hugely if you can share this stuff. It gives you a refuge if things aren't straightforward. It's all very well for people to get prudish and say you're telling your parents you're having sex - but, I imagine they actually know that already! Ok, if you're lucky enough for your TTC experience to be quick and easy, so you have maybe a few months of secrecy with your DP before you announce a healthy 12-week pregnancy, fine. But you're not in that boat, so you need to think about your own mental and emotional health long-term, and make sure you are getting the support you need.

I would generally agree with your DH, however, (sadly) your situation is very different & if you want your mums support for everything you're going through, I'd just tell him that. Tell him that it's you Mum & you need her support.

If after you've explained it more, he can't understand that, I'd be questioning the relationship to be honest. You're the one that's disabled & going through changes in medication & all the rest of it. If he puts his desire for privacy over your need for support through this, I'd be putting having a baby with him on hold anyway. Someone that selfish is not likely to be the best person to be having a baby with.

Totally up to you who you talk to. Which goes both ways. There have been threads here where there's been a miscarriage and the woman hasn't allowed her partner to tell his family. I don't think that's on either. If either of you want support from friends and family it's up to you.

Took us nearly three years to conceive DC1. I never regretted talking about it

You're early into your TTC journey. If for whatever reason it took years or never (suggest taking a look at infertility forum), you may feel slightly differently about everyone being aware of your challenges. Especially as other family members progress without issue.

In that sense, I think you're husband is being reasonable to be private.

DP doesn't get excited about things like baby names or prams, and is very laidback so I feel I am carrying all the stress and worry

This suggests it’s not just the medical/your health stuff you want to discuss with her. Maybe he’s not that laid back, maybe he’s feeling cautious given the complications of your situation. I don’t know many people who consider prams or names at the stage you’re at even without the additional considerations you have.

I wouldn't for me because it's basically telling them you're having loads of sex atm. I wouldn't want to hear about my kids sex lives.

Normally I think it's wierd to announce you are TTC, but in your situation I understand why you would want to talk to your mum about. It sounds like it is having a big impact on you and sometimes it's better to talk to another woman about these things.

Does your mum have form for being bad at keeping secrets? Is your DH worried that if she finds out, everyone will know. If not I'm sorry to say that your DH sounds quite controlling.

Personally I'm on the side of don't tell. Once it's out you'll be asked all the time and that will put pressure on you.

Also. Do you know yet why you haven't got pregnant yet? If it's him then I can massively understand why he wants to keep it quiet. Men aren't happy for this stuff to be shared.

Yes, this sounds like more than wanting to explain why you're physically feeling worse at the moment, dealing with genetic testing etc -- I'm entirely on your DP's side in general, though I could see why someone in your circumstances would want some support, but no, wanting to discuss baby names and prams is not sufficient reason for violating your partner's privacy. I didn't want to discuss baby names and prams at all, not because I was 'laid back' but because my pregnancy wasn't uncomplicated, and it wasn't clear it would end in a live baby. Perhaps your DP is also 'carrying stress and worry'.

I agree with this.

We were trying for years and only let family know the situation when I had to go in hospital for an op because tests had revealed endometriosis.

By the time we got to IVF they knew but ideally I would have preferred it to be private until I was pregnant.

If everyone knows you are trying and then it doesn't happen the sense of failure will be even greater. At least that may be how your DH views it.

OP I am somewhat similar to you - I am only allowed a very short window to TTC due to pre-existing issues and getting to the point of TTC has lots of hurdles to get over.

I can’t share this with others. The expectation, them knowing I’ve ‘failed’, them watching for pregnancy symptoms all the time. It’s too much.

Or he might reconsider the relationship if he has a wife who had refused to keep his confidence about a very private matter even though he has said it's important to him. Someone that selfish is not likely to be the best person to have a baby with.

Personally I’ve found it a lot easier being able to confide in trusted friends that we are TTC. Nothing detailed but simply things like I’m surprised by how mentally hard I found the first month. They’ve said things like they found ovulation strips/apps etc. detrimental. That the common advice is to DTD every other day. And I don’t have any medical problems to contend with either. Everyone seems to be suggesting that talking about it means “we did it in this position this many times last night” which is ridiculous.

I don’t agree that I should feel like a failure if we can’t get pregnant so the argument “you’ll feel like more of a failure” if everyone knows you’re trying and you don’t get pregnant doesn’t wash with me. I think everyone would be a lot less stressed and shamed about the whole process if we were more open about the realities tbh. It is hard, it’s not as easy as we were made to think. Maybe less people would leave it so late and suffer the consequences too.

and the idea that you want to “surprise” everyone with a pregnancy is laughable too. It’s usually not that surprising that a couple are having a baby! Do you really think people will be less excited because they didn’t know you were trying?

On here, people seem to go into a fixed unit of them and their DP. In RL most people in your situation would be sharing this with their closest relative, at least. This is your physical journey. I think that it should be up to you. I would hope that my adult children are having sex, so it wouldn't be weird for them to tel me they are TTC. I'm a hands on Nan, birth partner, help with childcare etc type, though.

I can see it from his perspective. It would be most people’s nightmare to have their mother-in-law speculating on their fertility and knowing about their shagging patterns and when the shagging had “failed”. She’s your mum so you’ll obviously feel more comfortable with her knowing that kind of intimate detail, but I don’t think he’s being entirely unreasonable.

Have you thought about journalling as a way of helping stress and worry? It can often be more useful than telling an actual person whose response you can’t control and who might not say what you’d like to hear.

On here, people seem to go into a fixed unit of them and their DP

Well, yes, when it comes to sex, that's pretty much the deal, assuming you're in a monogamous relationship. I think trying to conceive is pretty much a fixed unit situation, even when it involves the necessary loss of privacy of medical intervention, as in the OP and her DP's case.

I really would not want my family telling me they were regularly fucking their husband. Ugh.

What does TTC abreaviation mean then?

Which is not what I think about when friends have shared with me their own fertility issues.

I've thought about how hard they might be finding it, what the options might be if they go down the IVF route, whether they are feeling sad about other friends announcing their pregnancies etc.

I don't jump to imagining them shagging. Is that your first thought when someone announced they are pregnant? Or you imagine them dilating when you know they've had a baby?

It’s not about the having sex though! Everyone knows most married couples will be having sex so that’s no secret.
OP, I can totally understand why you would want emotional support from your Mum. If you know she will be very discreet about it and you are close to her then I don’t see why not if it helps you get through it. I would have a chat with your husband and say that although he’s going through it with you, the way he is dealing with it is different to the way you are and you feel like you need someone else to talk it through with. Your Mum is that person and she can be trusted to keep it to herself.

We all know every couple we meet are having sex. It comes with the territory...
We don't need details.