To want to tell immediate family we are TTC

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DP and I have been TTC our first child for 6 months. I am very close to my immediate family (see them weekly, speak daily) and wanted to tell my mum from the beginning but DP said no. He's a private person and didn't want any pressure from family (which I don't think they would do anyway).

Our TTC journey hasn't been straightforward. I'm disabled and have had to stop/change medications, and go through two rounds of genetic testing to see what the chances are of passing my condition on (minimal, thankfully). I'm already under an obstetrician and lots of planning went into even getting to the point of TTC. I'm finding it emotionally and physically challenging and need support, and people to share my excitement with too!

DP said we would review at 6 months, but he is still saying no to telling anyone. He says I can go to him for support, which I do, but I'd really like to share this with my mum. DP doesn't get excited about things like baby names or prams, and is very laidback so I feel I am carrying all the stress and worry. I would have no problem with him sharing this with his immediate family or best friend.

AIBU, because at this point I really feel that he is?!

I have told my DM and DSis. I didn’t run it past DP. He’s not there for the conversations and they won’t speak to him about it- so it really doesn’t matter IMO.

Exactly. The scrutiny would be utterly excruciating.

OP you can tell your family if you want but be prepared for what @Nevermind31 said in this post.

Blimey, I have work colleagues who talk incessantly about TTC. And colleagues who talk incessantly about their birth stories. And their DC’s toilet training. And so it goes on.

You’re not asking to do that - just for support from your mum. YANBU OP.

That’s just silly and immature. I guess when the baby finally arrives they are all going to think the baby dropped to your door step from the sky right?

I can see why you would like support from your mum. But, I would only do it with consent from your DP. Don't break his trust by going behind his back.

Exactly, why are people ignoring the fact the OP's husband is not comfortable with it?

@MimiandFifi I strongly suspect they would mind if they knew - who wouldn’t?! My point is that it’d be reasonable for DH to object to his wife telling all her coworkers about their shagathons, but objecting to his wife getting support from her mum is a bit much.

I’m afraid it’s a no from me, even with the circumstances here. I am with your husband it terms of privacy. If he is unable to support you through this then I’d reconsider conceiving with him.

Eh? They'll know perfectly well where the baby came from, so they don't need a step by step guide through the process before the pregnancy is even a thing.

I don't at all buy into the argument that it's telling peope you are having lots of sex. It's a huge life decision and will be something that takes a lot of thought and worry from you. People tend to talk through their big life events and worries with those they are close to, so why wouldn't you just because it involves having sex with your husband (which they presumably know happens anyway, TTC or not!). I talked to my sisters about TTC - about when to start, the ups and downs of it, etc. It was great, and took some of th pressure of it for me and DH as I could have a soundboard for my worries and thoughts elsewhere.

That said, you also have to take into acocunt your husband's feelings on it.

All you’re really telling your mum is that you’re shagging regularly. There’s nothing to share in re excitement until you’re actually pregnant, and even then once you’re pretty close to the end. If you’re struggling medically and going through certain procedures etc, that may be different - but at the moment it just sounds like you’re having unprotected sex.

I wouldn't tell them you're TTC. Getting pregnant can be hard enough as it is, without pressure from family. I think you really need to respect his wishes on this one - this is a partnership.

YANBU, I can’t imagine going through all that you are & not telling my mum AND my dad about it. I’m sure they know you have sex with your husband & I highly doubt they’re going to ask you about frequency/positions!! I call my parents if I have to have a blood test, & I’m 31 years old with 3 children 😂

I wouldn’t personally because A) your DH is uncomfortable with people knowing and B) I think it’s the kind of thing that generally stays between the couple anyway, it’s very private and personal.

Agreed there’s a lot going on and the OP might need outside support.

I’m really surprised by some of these responses.
My parents didn’t know about my pregnancies until I was into the second trimester and they don’t and will never know about my miscarriages. However, that’s because we’re not close. The idea of not being close enough to my DD that she will need to keep such a part of her life secret is a bit sad if I’m honest. The OP is clearly close to her family.

It doesn’t mean intimate details need to be shared just a general “we’re hoping we’ll be lucky enough to have children” is enough?

And what if it takes years to conceive or you end up having fertility treatments? - don’t most people tell their support network? I’ve known friends have IVF for instance. It wasn’t a secret. It also involved knowing they were TTC and knowing they were getting more worried and a bit down about it beforehand.

For me, the idea that OP is close enough to her Mum to want to discuss this - the hope, excitement, uncertainty over the medical aspects and the change in medication, etc - is a positive thing.

Can you imagine if a man wanted to tell his DM him and his DP were trying to conceive and she said no?

Would you make the same comments?

I agree with this.

So just tell your mum that the doctor is adjusting your meds so your condition is a bit rocky at the moment.

I agree with most others who are saying that a) your DH is reasonable in not wanting his sex life to be common knowledge and b) telling even one person will increase the pressure on you.

This is ridiculous. Confiding in your mother for support is not "telling people". I agree with others saying that it is inappropriate to tell you who you cannot seek emotional support from generally. But more importantly, NO ONE should have the power to tell you what you can and can't talk to your own mother about.

Don't know about the controlling aspect of it necessarily but the autonomy of any person to discuss whatever they want about their relationship, including hoping to have children and any difficulties experienced with that I totally support. Male or female

The whole assumption that you should keep stuff like that to yourself doesn't make sense to me. Keep it to yourself if you're a private person and don't want to talk about it. But when I was TTC and then going through ivf I needed to talk to close friends and family so they all knew. I dont know how I would have got through it if it wasn't for their support.
... for what it's worth, I think it's good to tell your boss when you're pregnant straight away. If it doesn't go to plan and you miscarry, they should know as you might need time off work...likewise, if you're feeling crap with 1st trimester symptoms, they should know. The more these things are normalised the better IMO.

*Can you imagine if a man wanted to tell his DM him and his DP were trying to conceive and she said no?

Would you make the same comments?*

This wasn’t at me but I do have a thought on it.

My DH shared with his parents that we wanted a second child and then after that, that we were “done” without running it by me first. By and large his conversations with his parents aren’t anything to do with me. I wouldn’t have been happy with him sharing intimate details - “we’re hopeful this month, she’s going to test on Tuesday and I’ll let you know!” etc- that would have been truly awful. But they did in general terms know to expect a further grandchild in due course or to be sensitive to the fact that we wanted another one so not to pry about it or make comments if one didn’t materialise. They were told some time after the fact about my miscarriages because my Dh wanted to share that. That’s fine with me. I don’t want to ever discuss that with them but if he told them vague details in a conversation that didn’t include me, that’s fine.

That’s all that needs to happen in this case “we’d like a baby at some point so the doctor is tweaking my medication because if I were to fall pregnant the original medication wouldn’t be suitable”.

I agree however that “I’m ovulating on Friday!”kind of sharing is far too much information and the DH should be able to insist that only a vague intention is shared.