AIBU not to explain why a 7yr old can't go in the gents?

[FlyingPi]

I'm sure this has been discussed before. When we're out and my boy needs the toilet, I make him come into the Ladies with me. Problem is, he's starting to complain about it and wants to go in the Gents on his own. I have let him do this in one particular place where there's never anyone about, so I knew he wouldn't encounter anyone at the urinals. I'm always honest with him but I don't quite know how to explain why I'm not letting him do this anywhere else, like at the swimming pool/gym toilets.
He knows about the Pants rules and personal space and consent but I don't exactly want to spell out what I'm worried about. What do you tell your kids?

Could you go into the gents with him and wait by the door?

I get why people have the fear, it’s valid. However, logically it’s a well known fact that your child is more likely to be abused by someone they know than a random stranger, yes of course it happens but it’s very rare.

Can you start sending him in with a trusted make so he gets used to it?

Male

I don’t know. Something like this;

www.thesun.co.uk/news/13182263/boy-6-sexually-touched-mcdonalds-toilet/amp/

or this;

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/man-jailed-for-raping-boy-of-seven-119130.amp

or this;

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8952785/amp/Sick-abuser-says-assaulted-child-public-toilet-cry-help-alone.html

this?

uknip.co.uk/Breaking/News/breaking/boy-8-kidnapped-by-child-sex-predator-than-raped-in-public-toilets/

another one;

mouthsofmums.com.au/five-year-old-raped-after-accidentally-walking-into-mens-toilet/

We are worried about predatory males attacking our children in toilets. Male children are particularly at risk because they are using the same facilities as grown, adults males and as females we can’t go in with them. This stuff isn’t hard to understand.

I understand your dilemma. I always stood right outside the gents and would call his name. I did hate it though as there can be a niggling worry there.

I think you are right to feel concerned. Although an 8 year old knows what to do in the toilet you don't know who's in there with him it's a scary thought. Plus the men toilets are disgusting.

No more than a man can come into the ladies with their daughter and wait by the cubicle door, no.

At some point he just won't agree to go in the ladies, hopefully by then he'll be ready to handle any bad situations.

What difference is a year going to make to his ability to handle them?

In the event of ... a scary real world outcome that you are fearing, how will DS being 8 equip him to handle it better than when he is 7?

I get your fear, I'm not denigrating you. But you are catastrophising, because there's no big difference between a 7 year old or an 8 year old's ability to cope with any weirdos that appear at the urinals. Do you feel you're clinging to the magical number 8 as a way of postponing the fear?

Why would you teach your child its ok to use disabled toilets?

He can't go in changing rooms at 8. It's better to discuss it now and give him strategies.

So will the women's be once you encourage boys to use that instead.

I have no problem with a dad standing by the toilet door in case his daughter needs help in the ladies. It’s the same for the gents for a mother and her son.

Rather than breeding fear in boys by teaching them to be afraid of men, stand outside the toilet door and call out to them to check they are all right. It's really not that hard.

YABU - he's expressed a wish to use the men's toilets....or more likely does not want to use the women's toilets with his mum. He's clearly uncomfortable being babied. If you're in the immediate vicinity I think it's fine to let him go alone. When do you plan to let him go the toilet independently then?

You might not. Most women would, especially given the current climate about women’s spaces.

You’re exceptionally naive if you think a man going into the ladies for any reason wouldn’t cause a huge problem.

Have I missed something? If he uses the gents, she could stand outside the door to the gents so she is close by. Like the big door with the pic of the man on it? Stand close to it so he knows she's just outside. No?

I’m pretty sure most swimming pools don’t allow children in the opposite sex changing room once they turn 8…

I wouldn’t want my lad to go in the loos on his own at that age in supermarkets, shopping centres and high street public toilets.

@FlyingPi as a probation officer I’ve heard far to many stories that alarm me for my children to use toilets on their own. We have a strict on using public toilets by themselves until they very late primary school age. Even then I’m hyper vigilant. We will use the toilets together or the baby change if needed. I don’t see an issue with a very newly turned 7 year old at all.

I have to much knowledge and in someways I wish I was more ignorant and the chances are slim I just freak myself out.

My boys would always use the disabled toilet.
No way would I have wanted them in men’s toilets alone at that age.
Yuck!

I think I started letting my boy in to the gents around aged 9. It does surprise me that some women are unhappy about a boy aged 7 or 8 in the ladies. I don't believe such a young child is a threat to women. These same women are perfectly happy to send a small child in to the gents. The risk to that child, though small, is far greater than the risk to the women of having a child in the ladies. I know a couple of men who were approached/groped by adult men in the gents when they were children. I don't believe these women would dream of letting a 7 year old girl go in to the gents (I know it's not allowed anyway, I'm talking about in theory). Why the difference? Boys are also at risk from paedophiles.

How do you know it is rare?

I’ve seen dads bring their daughter into the ladies loos. It’s not been a bother. The dads have been apologising all the way but there’s no need. They are parenting their child to understand how to use a public loo

Are your boys disabled?