Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to explain why a 7yr old can't go in the gents?

543 replies

FlyingPi · 25/01/2023 23:42

I'm sure this has been discussed before. When we're out and my boy needs the toilet, I make him come into the Ladies with me. Problem is, he's starting to complain about it and wants to go in the Gents on his own. I have let him do this in one particular place where there's never anyone about, so I knew he wouldn't encounter anyone at the urinals. I'm always honest with him but I don't quite know how to explain why I'm not letting him do this anywhere else, like at the swimming pool/gym toilets.
He knows about the Pants rules and personal space and consent but I don't exactly want to spell out what I'm worried about. What do you tell your kids?

OP posts:
MrsMikeDrop · 26/01/2023 00:21

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

Why? How weird. What's wrong with a child being in the loos, I assume people are in their own cubicles and you close the door when you go to the toilet? It's literally just a room with sinks and mirrors in it.

Boringcookingquestion · 26/01/2023 00:22

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

How ridiculous, you’re an adult and you challenge children for using the ladies? Does it make you feel powerful or do you just like to complain?

cadburyegg · 26/01/2023 00:23

My ds turns 8 next month and has started to go into the men's, although sometimes he will go into the ladies with me. It depends where we are tbh. If I thought he was taking too long then I'd go in and check. But soon enough he will be too old to come into the ladies. I'm a single parent so I never have a man around to go in with him!

GoodChat · 26/01/2023 00:23

He's asking to use the men's toilets. He's ready.

watchfulwishes · 26/01/2023 00:25

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

This is excessive, 7 is still very young.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 26/01/2023 00:28

But you literally have to send your children into the appropriately sexed facilities after their 8th birthday. It’s pretty much the rule of thumb for all leisure centres, gyms and mixed facilities. It’s also the age they are allowed to be unaccompanied in the facilities, eg swim alone. It’s the age they are considered capable enough to learn to swim (and use the changing facilities) as part of the national curriculum. You would I assume have no problem with them going to school, swimming lessons, to gymnastics, to football, to ballet, to archery, to coding club. To sports camp or street dance camp or drama club or scouts and cubs.

When they are in all of these places they will be using the appropriately sexed rooms and they will be considered old enough to do those things without an adult watching them and to present themselves back at the relevant activity clean and ready to go, after completing their toilet.

Did you think you’d be following your DC around the whole time so you could accompany them to the toilets? At 7, 8, 9, 10?

BungleandGeorge · 26/01/2023 00:30

He’s borderline really but I think the important thing is he’s obviously uncomfortable in the ladies which is very valid. I think you probably need to plan a bit more in advance, many places have single cubicles now including many coffee shops, also pay per use loos are single cubicles

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 26/01/2023 00:31

My 7 year old uses the mens. He's tall for his age and feels uncomfortable in the ladies, in part because he has a little sister. I have mixed feelings but dh has actively encouraged his independence. Most of his friends are similar, they feel "too big" to go with their mums.

Obviously there are exceptions, inner city carpark toilets at night for example but in general, he always goes to the men's.

pizzaHeart · 26/01/2023 00:31

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

@fUNNYfACE36 Is it your job or hobby?

NameChange005 · 26/01/2023 00:32

Honestly I wouldn't blink if I saw a primary aged boy in the ladies. I'd assume anyone oder had additional needs (assuming they were with a female and not alone!)

If he is uncomfortable being in the ladies toilet, though, I think it's more of an issue.

Eyerollcentral · 26/01/2023 00:40

@FlyingPi let him give it a go with you standing outside. He obviously doesn’t feel comfortable in the ladies any more which is a good thing, it shows he is maturing. I doubt you are taking him anywhere dodgy and I know that’s no protection against creeps in itself but most people aren’t predators. Tbh he might not be so keen to repeat the experience as men’s toilets are fairly grim in general lol

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 26/01/2023 00:41

I share your concerns and when my girls were younger they were always sent to the toilet in pairs. I worked for 10 years as a social worker and it is not hysteria, it is minimising risk.

When my daughters were out with their father, he would usher them into the ladies toilets and shout I’m right outside don’t be long. My advice for mums of boys is to do the same. Telling a child to shout out if something scary is happening doesn’t always work unfortunately and YES predators do hide in toilets.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 26/01/2023 00:43

Boringcookingquestion · 26/01/2023 00:18

I won’t be sending my sons into a public toilet alone when they are 8. If I had a daughter, I don’t think I’d want her going in the ladies alone either. It’s too young to be in a place with strangers and lockable cubicles.

I think I will just tell them they need to be with an adult in the toilet because not all adults are trustworthy… it’s just an extension of stranger danger really.

This is one of the reasons that I support more places introducing family toilets and gender neutral toilets (proper ones with floor to ceiling doors, obviously).

You wouldn’t let you 8yo girl go to the toilet alone?!

Im sure you think you’re protecting her but I promise this overbearing attitude will be fr more damage in the long run

ClarificationNeeded · 26/01/2023 00:44

pizzaHeart · 26/01/2023 00:31

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

@fUNNYfACE36 Is it your job or hobby?

Removing people who've gone into the wrong toilets or changing rooms literally is part of some people's jobs, so not why sure you're trying to make a hilarious joke of it?

OoooohMatron · 26/01/2023 00:47

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

No words. Well I do have a few but I'd probably be banned.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/01/2023 00:52

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 26/01/2023 00:41

I share your concerns and when my girls were younger they were always sent to the toilet in pairs. I worked for 10 years as a social worker and it is not hysteria, it is minimising risk.

When my daughters were out with their father, he would usher them into the ladies toilets and shout I’m right outside don’t be long. My advice for mums of boys is to do the same. Telling a child to shout out if something scary is happening doesn’t always work unfortunately and YES predators do hide in toilets.

Ex child protection practitioner here too....

Loos/playgrounds /crowded family events /attractions are EXACTLY where predators hang out.... Anywhere where they can get kids on their own,or call them over- there was a case where a very elderly offender was abusing young boys in a busy slot machine hall.. He just either hid slightly behind a machine... Or blocked the view of the poor kid from his parents by his body. He abused 3 boys in under an hour - honestly anyone doubting these accounts...

It takes seconds to abuse a kid.

This vile man was sent down numerous times for this.

Thr only thibg you can do is teach your kids well!

Dibbydoos · 26/01/2023 00:53

He is still young and I agree that at his age using a gent's on his own is worrisome. I'm afraid so many more deviants are around now cos port has made some aspects of sexual contact seem like theyre normal.

I recall my 7 yo using the ladies at Anfi Beach Club, Gran Canaria and some woman spouting off about it.told politely told her to wind her neck in yet she complained to the pool guy who said it was OK cos he was still small.

NameChange005 · 26/01/2023 00:55

I wish more places would have family toilets in addition to male and female. They could put the baby changing in there as well.

DIYandEatCake · 26/01/2023 00:55

My anxieties about public loos with my just 9yo when he goes in alone are often about losing him - I’m thinking of the busy motorway service stations we stop at pretty often. I’ve let him go alone there once with strict instructions of where to meet me (me and my daughter had to use the loo as well), he took ages and I got in such a panic, I was imagining someone abducting him, it was so busy anyone could be lost in a crowd, just horrible … Most public loos are fine I think and he uses them alone no problem, but I really wish they’d have more family loos in busy/big places. I have told him that I trust him, but not necessarily some of the adults that he might encounter, and we’ve been through what he should do in different scenarios (e.g. if someone’s making him feel uncomfortable he should trust his instincts and get out of there, if anyone grabs him he should scream/shout for help). So far all has been fine (though I’m not looking forward to the next service station visit)

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 26/01/2023 01:14

So to respond to OP though - I think UABU not to explain to your son why he’s still going into the ladies with you for now. You don’t need to frighten him but you can explain that he’s still too little to be on his own in a busy toilet. Then at home, in the working towards him using the gents on his own, you can talk to him about ways to keep himself safe. If he’s aware of good touch bad touch etc then it’s just making sure he understands that he goes into the toilet, uses the cubicle, washes hands and straight out. Explain that lots of other people use the toilet too and we don’t know if they are an ok person or someone you wouldn’t want to be near your son. So the plan is to get in and out super fast. Practice it at home - then say what if someone says this or did this? I agree with PP that education is key but that predators are so adept at what they do, so you need to be really loud as your child goes thru that door….it’s a shitty thing but I commend you for having the awareness that this is a serious and legitimate concern to have.

OutForBreakfast · 26/01/2023 01:17

You are being over anxious

NameChange005 · 26/01/2023 01:25

If you do let him go to the toilets alone, talk him through what to do if he feels uncomfortable with someone. That it's OK on that one occasion (and only that occasion!) to not wash his hands and come straight out to you instead, for instance. Children don't think like that sometimes.

atoxk · 26/01/2023 01:50

It's aweful! They want to grow up and use male loos but how do you trust the men in there, they're kids.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 26/01/2023 02:43

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

I'd rather see a child in the ladies than he be sent in a grotty mens loo where something could happen to him.

What is wrong with you Confused

GrandTheftWalrus · 26/01/2023 03:01

My 6yo daughter goes to the loo alone when we are in the pub. However the table we sit at is right across from the disabled one and she goes in there. If she goes to the main ladies I go in after 5 mins.