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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to explain why a 7yr old can't go in the gents?

543 replies

FlyingPi · 25/01/2023 23:42

I'm sure this has been discussed before. When we're out and my boy needs the toilet, I make him come into the Ladies with me. Problem is, he's starting to complain about it and wants to go in the Gents on his own. I have let him do this in one particular place where there's never anyone about, so I knew he wouldn't encounter anyone at the urinals. I'm always honest with him but I don't quite know how to explain why I'm not letting him do this anywhere else, like at the swimming pool/gym toilets.
He knows about the Pants rules and personal space and consent but I don't exactly want to spell out what I'm worried about. What do you tell your kids?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/01/2023 03:25

He's too old to go into the female loos. And you can't accompany him into the gents.

Suggest his Dad teaches him how to use a cubicle? Is he capable?

Cactuslove · 26/01/2023 04:31

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

Genuinely wondering what I'd do with my oldest if I needed the loo. He'd be 7 and my youngest ds 4. Not old enough to leave alone outside but by your rule too old to come in the toilet with me.

RoundUpRuby · 26/01/2023 04:44

This is ridiculous. He should be going into the gents; he’s far, far too old to be going into the womens with you just because you’re anxious and paranoid.

Aprilx · 26/01/2023 04:45

Boringcookingquestion · 26/01/2023 00:18

I won’t be sending my sons into a public toilet alone when they are 8. If I had a daughter, I don’t think I’d want her going in the ladies alone either. It’s too young to be in a place with strangers and lockable cubicles.

I think I will just tell them they need to be with an adult in the toilet because not all adults are trustworthy… it’s just an extension of stranger danger really.

This is one of the reasons that I support more places introducing family toilets and gender neutral toilets (proper ones with floor to ceiling doors, obviously).

You would tell an 8 year old girl that it is dangerous to go to the ladies by herself? Your children will grow up afraid of their own shadows and maybe not even able to distinguish between safe and dangerous situations.

dolor · 26/01/2023 04:47

FangedFrisbee · 25/01/2023 23:48

At what point will you allow him to go to the gents? A special outing on his 18th birthday?

LOL

will there be balloons?

frenchnoodle · 26/01/2023 05:14

7 is old enough to use the cubicles in the gents. At 7 your son should have some ability to risk assess a situation and come to you (waiting outside) if he is worried.

It is a big worrying step OP but you need to make it.

CherryMaple · 26/01/2023 05:35

OP, my DS is older than yours, but still primary school age. I take him into the ladies if DH is not there. As PPs who have been child protection practitioners have pointed out, gents toilets aren’t guaranteed to be safe for boys.

@IamtheDevilsAvocado @Ifigotherewillbedouble What do you think is safe for boys this age who need the loo? Or what age would you consider safe to use the gents alone? I only have one DS so not an option to go in a pair. Thanks

PurBal · 26/01/2023 05:42

For clarity, your worried your son might see a man use a urinal?
I agree with PP that they go with the adult they’re with. But if he’s comfortable using the gents on his own I’d let him go, I’m assuming he doesn’t go into the girls loo at school? Maybe start with places that are really familiar.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 26/01/2023 05:51

You don’t need to pass your fears to him and scare him for life about “gents toilet dangers”. After all, he shouldn’t be in the ladies after 8.

What you need is being brave, a watch and waiting outside the gents, if he takes more than 3 minutes you go in. Simples!

JustJustWhy · 26/01/2023 06:10

Simples? 🙄

LeeHarper5 · 26/01/2023 06:11

To the posters suggesting Dad’s teach their sons to use the gents, not all boys have their Dad’s or male family members.

My sons Dad died when he was young leaving him with a lot of anxiety. He struggles being without a familiar adult and at the moment he simply couldn’t use the gents alone. He is a tall almost 8yr old, I am made to feel uncomfortable taking him into the ladies but sometimes, in the absence of family facilities, I have no choice. Being with me makes him feel safe.

How about we all just think twice before judging other parents choices? None of us know each others back stories.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/01/2023 06:14

FangedFrisbee · Yesterday 23:48
At what point will you allow him to go to the gents? A special outing on his 18th birthday?“

Don’t be so nasty. I wouldn’t have allowed my youngest into the male toilets in shopping centres, motorway services etc after several very nasty incidents reported in the press when he was that age.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 26/01/2023 06:16

I can remember the first few time my 6/7 YO DC went to a public loo on their own. I sat within view of the entrance, completely on edge for the 3/4 minutes it took them to enter, use the facilities, wash their hands and leave. They were as pleased with their achievement as if they'd climbed Everest. It was good for them and for me

Starcircle · 26/01/2023 06:18

I have 4 boys - completely get the worry! I suppose my fear is assuaged somewhat by sending them in together but I think 7/8 is the right age to let them go in alone. I just explain matter of factly that their private areas are private and if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable they come straight out or make a big racket. The reality is that there are usually quite a lot of people in public toilets so it’s very unlikely that they’d come to harm with lots of folk about. If I really felt nervous about a particular public toilets I’d just let them wee in a bush! The joy of boys!

Sux2buthen · 26/01/2023 06:21

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

I'd tell my child to ignore. He'd be with me anyway

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/01/2023 06:22

fUNNYfACE36 · Today 00:07
I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.“

I hope you don’t but rather challenge the parent.

Why, anyway. What do you think an 8 year old boy is going to do to you?

MiddleParking · 26/01/2023 06:25

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

Do you though Hmm

peaceandpotato · 26/01/2023 06:25

FlyingPi · 25/01/2023 23:53

He has just turned 7.
Obviously he's perfectly able to use a toilet himself, but the idea of him seeing grown men using urinals, or - even if it's a small chance - someone dodgy approaching him, worries me. We all know there are flashers and worse about, I saw them when I was a kid and so did most women I know.
At some point he just won't agree to go in the ladies, hopefully by then he'll be ready to handle any bad situations.

Why are you worried about him seeing a grown man at the urinals? I can understand why you'd be worried about someone dodgy.

RudsyFarmer · 26/01/2023 06:27

OP I wrestled with this but it was slightly easier for me as my eldest suddenly got massive around 8 and then I started letting him go to the gents on his own. Now a few years later he’s the size of a small adult female and whilst I know bad things can still happen we have navigated the toilet situation successfully.

in terms of what to say - I’m just honest. The world is full of wonderful people but sadly there are also bad adults who hurt children.

Wheelz46 · 26/01/2023 06:42

@fUNNYfACE36 well if you challenged my child, he wouldn't answer you as he has selective mutism as for me, well I would "politely" tell you to mind your own business!

WestBridgewater · 26/01/2023 06:49

This has reminded me of when DS was about 6 and we were in KFC and he was insistent that he was fine to go to the mens so I said it was ok as long as he didn’t talk to anyone. As he was walking in a 17/18 year old was going in at the same time and DS looked up at him and said, hello my name is Charlie what’s your name?

Maryquitecontrary55 · 26/01/2023 06:55

A 7 year old boy using the ladies is ridiculous. No reason at all he can't use the gents. Stand outside if you're that worried. What do you think will happen?

euff · 26/01/2023 06:58

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

What a nasty piece of work. Just why? Do you really think a 7 year old child is going to be seeing/ doing something he shouldn't or trying to? The monsters saying my 36 year old self and my darling little 12 year old girl shouldn't have a 7 year old boy in the same room with them are just that, monsters of women. They are in cubicles for Christ's sake. I completely get someone's fear of letting a 7 year old child go into the men's on their own and I would have found some toilets in some locations harder to do this than others.

BananaSpanner · 26/01/2023 07:01

As part of my job, Ive dealt with a boy who was sexually abused in a public gents toilet. Obviously there comes a time where boys have to go in on their own but generally my primary age son comes in with me and I wouldn’t care who challenged me about it. It’s not paranoia, it’s keeping my child safe. I do make different judgement calls on depending on location, how busy etc but your average busy shopping centre toilet, he’s coming with me in the ladies.

BroadwayMalady · 26/01/2023 07:04

fUNNYfACE36 · 26/01/2023 00:07

I challenge boys who look more than about 7 using the ladies.

Challenge them to what? A Pokémon battle?