AIBU not to explain why a 7yr old can't go in the gents?

[FlyingPi]

I'm sure this has been discussed before. When we're out and my boy needs the toilet, I make him come into the Ladies with me. Problem is, he's starting to complain about it and wants to go in the Gents on his own. I have let him do this in one particular place where there's never anyone about, so I knew he wouldn't encounter anyone at the urinals. I'm always honest with him but I don't quite know how to explain why I'm not letting him do this anywhere else, like at the swimming pool/gym toilets.
He knows about the Pants rules and personal space and consent but I don't exactly want to spell out what I'm worried about. What do you tell your kids?

Do what you feel comfortable with op, 7 is still young. I have a young looking 9 year old, most times he goes to the men's but if I had concerns about a situation I'd still take him in with me.

A just turned 7 year old is not too old to go to the ladies, to be honest, I don't think I'd challenge any primary aged child in the ladies, although late primary is pushing it IMO.

My DS has been requesting to go to the men's toilet since he was 4, doesn't mean he's ready.

Women don't want men in our spaces due to safety (as well as privacy and dignity) so why would you send your young child in there - I don't think a 7 year old is encroaching on the privacy of grown women either.

This is your personal decision and you don't have to justify it. I would tell him the truth, that when he is in the gents, you cant go in to rescue/help if he needs it. Children are more likely to be abused by people they know, but there are people not there who get gratification from looking.

What age are people actually planning to let their boys go to the men's toilet? 18? Never? Projecting this level of fear is not good for boys, and it's really shit for women and girls.

Irrelevant.

www.csacentre.org.uk/resources/key-messages/intra-familial-csa/

Because at least two thirds of CSA (reported) are from close family members/acquaintances?

Any child has a 60% higher chance of being raped by Grandad than the random in the Asda lav.

Oh come on! Read that post back to yourself and surely you can see how ridiculous you sound.

So instead of teaching your children that some people are shitbags, instead loiter around the toilet door calling out sporadically as that will teach them that errrr you’re either fucking weird or you’re trying to ensure their safety because ……….. some people are shitbags.

I’d be bothered and why does a child need teaching how to use a loo?

Quite.

Yet again, we have women and girls having to give up their private space (female public toilets) because we don't want our male children to be attacked by men.

Which is a very scary stat (and probably under estimating the situation because familiar abuse is less likely to be reported) but somehow often gets ignored while the very minimal risk in toilets gets blown up out of proportion.

we need to be very careful not to breed an over the top level of fear for a relatively small risk.

Like the old dear who challenged me then verbally abused me for using the disabled loo - when I’m entitled to do so as I have a disability that makes stairs to the main toilets difficult.

Luckily I’m not afraid to speak my mind, and if you ‘challenged’ my 7 year old you’d find yourself on the receiving end of some rather unpleasant home truths.

I take my 7 year old son into the women's in certain places. I don't care if it makes some people uncomfortable; I care about my son's safety. If anyone 'challenged' him I'd 'challenge' them right back.

It's quite telling that many of the posters who believe public toilets are dangerous are people whose jobs require them to monitor dangerous behaviour in public places. So there may be some perception bias there.

The same thing goes for the newspaper reports someone linked to above. If it happens infrequently enough that it's reported as news, then it's probably not a risk common enough to worry about - like sinkholes opening up in the road, or chunk of ice falling off of planes and hitting you on the head.

When you think of the vast number of people using public loos every day without hassle, you can feel reassured about the relative risk of letting a DC in there on their own.

Mine's 12 and I still take him in with me. Remember what happened at that store toilet to the kid was it Debenhams or M&S?

You can have control over when they see a family member. You can't control which random person will be in the loo. And possibly it isn't random as some people may deliberately lurk.

Develop a series of bird calls where when the child is in the bathroom you chirp “co-COO” and the child chirps back “co-COO”.

If he is alongside an adult man using a urinal he should chirp back “COO ! COO !”

if he can see the man’s penis a rapid “CooCooCooCooCooCoo!”

And if he feels threatened a squawk “SQUAWK ! SQUAWK!”

In this way you will always be aware of the situation within the “gentleman’s arena” and feel reassured that young sir is maintaining an eagle eyed watch for danger.

Alternatively, please just let him use the toilet. If he says he’s ready believe
him and let him do it. Male toilets are not scary for men and there is an etiquette and routine he needs to learn because that in itself helps spot any weirdos. In 47 years of being a man, using male toilets I never encountered anything weird. Maybe I’m lucky but I think more likely it’s overwhelmingly safe.

You see, 12 is a ludicrous age for boys to use the ladies' loos.

At some point there needs to be a cut-off.

And I agree with the pp who mentioned perception bias.

I bet everyone here would allow their seven-year-old to get into a car. And yet, car accidents are a very real danger.

I think at 7 it is pretty normal to use the correct gender toilet, and it is probably pretty embarrassing for him as hell have an understanding that he's breaking the social rules.

I'm not sure I buy that there's a paedophile around every corner, but I suppose if you are concerned about that then you should probably alter what you do day to day to avoid needing to use public toilets.

no reason at all?
must be nice to be this naive

Unless there is some significant special needs involved, taking a 12yo into the wrong gender toilets is totally inappropriate!

12? My boy has been catching the bus to school on his own since age 11 yet your 12 year old still goes to the women's toilet with his mum?

Wtf? 12 year old boys shouldn't be in the women's toilet. Isn't he embarrassed to be there?

I am nervous about this too. There was a horrible case local to me, where a little boy was raped in a Debenhams toilets, and it does make me nervous every time.

I tend to let DS1 (8) go alone if it is somewhere quiet I can stand outside, or if his little brother can go too. I will need to start letting him go everywhere soon, I realise.

You’ll do your child no favours by babying them because you’re anxious and paranoid about the chance of an exceptionally rare incident occurring.

As part of my job, Ive dealt with a boy who was sexually abused in a public gents toilet

do you know the statistics on how often it happens? I get that 7 seems very young, especially to the parents, especially if they are the oldest DC, but knowing how often it happens may help the decision making? Also standing outside and calling in periodically might help?

Because if it is the lad himself saying he's uncomfortable using the ladies we really ought to listen to them.
I wonder what would happen if girls using the toilets didn't want to go in because a boy was in there? how do we handle that?

My ds is 8 & he comes in with me if no family / single toilets. If he had to go in the mens i’d open the door & stand there. He obviously goes in when my husband can take him but otherwise no - never had an issue he’s used to it & he’s peeing in a cubicle no perving on anyone else peeing behind a closed door.