AIBU not to explain why a 7yr old can't go in the gents?

[FlyingPi]

I'm sure this has been discussed before. When we're out and my boy needs the toilet, I make him come into the Ladies with me. Problem is, he's starting to complain about it and wants to go in the Gents on his own. I have let him do this in one particular place where there's never anyone about, so I knew he wouldn't encounter anyone at the urinals. I'm always honest with him but I don't quite know how to explain why I'm not letting him do this anywhere else, like at the swimming pool/gym toilets.
He knows about the Pants rules and personal space and consent but I don't exactly want to spell out what I'm worried about. What do you tell your kids?

[anya21]

@jannier

Why not change the question would you allow your 7 year old in a shop where you couldn't see them? Can your 7 year old go out on their own?

Yes . Seven is a good age to start building a bit of independence. It is the age (year 3) where certainly in this village chidren are allowed to start walking to school alone.
I think with regard to ents toilets, a good idea would be to send them in when you know ther is more than one man in there. I caanot imagine a man abusing a child in front of unknown other men (unless he wanted to wak up in hospital)

[MajorCarolDanvers]

@jannier

Why not change the question would you allow your 7 year old in a shop where you couldn't see them? Can your 7 year old go out on their own?

Yes. My kids were allowed out to play at that age.

[fairycakes1234]

Sorry son was about 10 before i let him use the gents toilets, unless husband or father was with him. After that i would stand outside...i know of a horrific incident that happened a young boy in the toilet and i would never ever let them go on their own at that age.

[jannier]

@MajorCarolDanvers

Yes. My kids were allowed out to play at that age.

You're not the op ...most children on here won't be it was the norm in the 70s and maybe the 80s but hasn't been the norm since

[AnotherNameChanges]

Well OP, having worked in the prison system for years, I've come across a number of men who were raped in toilets as boys. That made me extremely hypervigilient. My eldest started using the men's on his own about 8, and the youngest at just turned 7. I do prefer them to go together, but if I'm out with only one of them, they go on their own. My eldest is now 11, but I still worry about him. If he goes to use a service station toilet I watch who goes in after him. It's a worry, but we have to assume the number of dodgy incidents is v small, and with you waiting outside the chances of anything going wrong are very slim

[SleepingStandingUp]

@anya21

It is the age that many will be starting puberty, and thinking of girls in a different way.

The NHS disagrees

The average age for girls to start puberty is 11, while for boys the average age is 12. But it's perfectly normal for puberty to begin at any point between the ages of 8 and 13 in girls and 9 and 14 in boys.

It's normal for it to start at 9 but it certainly isn't "many", given that's the lower age and the av is 12.
So no, I don't think it IS normal to think 9 year odl boys are having sexual thoughts about their peers and "invading" there spaces with a sexual agenda

[fairycakes1234]

@fUNNYfACE36

Neither it is my duty!

@fUNNYfACE36
its your duty, jaysus you obviously dont get out much and why would you care about a 7 year old child using ladies toilets?? Seriously?

[CellophaneFlower]

@anya21

Yes . Seven is a good age to start building a bit of independence. It is the age (year 3) where certainly in this village chidren are allowed to start walking to school alone.
I think with regard to ents toilets, a good idea would be to send them in when you know ther is more than one man in there. I caanot imagine a man abusing a child in front of unknown other men (unless he wanted to wak up in hospital)

I'm sure OP said her son had just turned 7, so he's still in the infants.

Our school won't release children to walk home alone until year 6, and even then you have to give written permission. Walking to school alone imo is actually riskier than coming home, as what if they don't arrive and the school don't contact you? Potentially a 7 year old could be missing all day until you realise when they don't come home? Not something I'd be comfortable with, quaint village or not.

[Bvlg]

You are not being unreasonable. When my boys were younger, there was an incident where I lived when a mom sent her young son into the men's bathroom alone and he was molested. I also had a friend who told me a man trapped her little brother in men's bathroom at church once and tried to molest him. I think it's more common than people realize. I always have my boys come into the bathroom with me (up to 10 years old even) if their dad isn't around. Who cares what other people think. I have NEVER had another woman in the bathroom ever make any comments about my children coming in with me- I think they all understand... And if they did, I would just tell them to mind their own business.

[Camels11]

I totally get it. Although most men aren't going to bother your son, there are a lot more sexual predators than people realize. Just look at the sex offender registry where you live, if you live in an area that does that, and you'll be shocked and appalled by the numbers. Yes, stories that are especially bad make the news and maybe people think our fears conflated because of that, but there are MANY, MANY more events that haven't. By far most have not. I was molested as a child by a number of people and so were most of the people I know, women AND men. I'm not kidding. I've known more who have been molested than haven't. As an aside, these are all very well-educated middle-class to upper middle-class people. It isn't relegated to "bad" neighborhoods or areas. Not at all. Don't assume that because you're somewhere nice or live in a "nice" neighborhood that you're somehow safe from these things. It crosses all socioeconomic boundaries.

On the other hand, your child needs to be able to be independent and he is getting to the age were it is uncomfortable and embarrassing for him to be in the women's room. Try and find family restrooms when possible. When it's not, wait right outside and listen for any improprieties. He should only be gone for a few minutes at most and you ought to be able to hear if anything bad is starting to happen.

From what you're saying, you are reluctant to tell him WHY you are concerned, but he should be aware for his own safety. You don't have to go into graphic detail, but explaining that some men will try and touch children. Tell him to not talk to strangers, ESPECIALLY men who are being overly friendly when you are not present to be able to suss the person out yourself. It's the overly friendly ones who are more likely to be up to no good. Sure, there are loads of men who are kind and helpful and it's hard to explain to a child the difference. But a molester is eager and approaches the child when the child isn't asking for any help. That's the difference. If your child asks someone a question like where are the towels or they can't reach the soap dispenser, then fine. But if a man starts talking to him first unsolicited, that's a red flag and he should know that. It's better to err on the side of caution and be wrong than to assume everyone is kind and well-intentioned and be wrong. A decent man will understand why there is caution.

It's hard. I have a son and a daughter, both grown now but it was difficult navigating these waters. I did NOT want them living in terror and afraid of everyone, but I also didn't want them to be naïve and therefore more vulnerable. The children who have no idea at all about potential dangers and much more vulnerable than children who have some understanding of these kinds of things. It's sad to take away a bit of innocence, but it's protecting them without being a overprotective helicopter parent, dragging them into the women's room when they're too old for it. That can cause other psychological trauma, so by avoiding one kind you may be inadvertently inflicting a different kind of trauma. You're giving him the knowledge and the tools he needs to navigate the world as safely as possible because you aren't always going to be there.

[RoxysWalkInCloset]

Women can molest, same as guys. Mother's bring their 8yr olds into the women's locker rooms at my gym, even though the sign clearly says no one under 18 allowed in, use the family locker room. They don't. You want to keep your son comfortable by potentially making others uncomfortable. Even culturally, for religious reasons, some women CAN'T share rooms or locker rooms with the opposite sex, especially one old enough to state, but here you are.

I totally get you wanting to keep the kid safe, but when is he gonna learn? Do you have someone who CAN go into the lad's bathroom to teach him the etiquette outside of school? Remember Robin Arryn from Game of Thrones STILL nursing at his age? I tell my littles "don't get kidnapped!" anytime they walk away from me at a park or amusement park etc, because I'm teaching them to be alert about their surroundings. And I've ALWAYS said this. People MAY stare, but guess what, they know I know that the kids know to be alert!

[CellophaneFlower]

I tell my littles "don't get kidnapped!"
I don't think any child plans to get kidnapped or abused, or has much choice in the matter.

My 7 year old will come into the toilet with me. If someone then can't enter due to religious beliefs, they'll just have to wait till we're done.

[Dad2themax]

As a boy raised by an over protective mother, i implore you to let him have a little "freedom" be outside the bathroom and tell him to yell if anything weird is going on. My confidence was destroyed and took years to become my own person

[Kamia]

As a mum you have to go with your instincts. If it was a changing room where women will be undressed it's understandable but there's cubicles. It's worse in the mens as they have urinals.
If you feel your child will not be safe in an unsupervised place that is your call and nobody else's business. It's not like your child is 15 they have time to build on independence and safety.

[AlexRoss55]

Not sure why you wouldn't want him to see a grown man using a urinal. I assume he's seen his father urinating. Perhaps you should explain to him what a flasher is and tell him that if an adult either flashes him or appears to be looking at his private parts, he should leave immediately or get help if necessary. But don't listen to me (or anyone else on this forum). If you're really taking him into ladies' restrooms at the age of seven, that's highly unusual, and I suggest you seek the opinion of a child psychologist. I fear you could be doing more harm than good.

[CellophaneFlower]

I suggest you seek the opinion of a child psychologist.

And I suggest you stop being so ridiculous. 7 is infant school aged. Certainly not "highly unusual" to see a very small boy in a ladies toilet.

[AllergictoWerewolves]

"Highly unusual" to see a seven year old boy in the ladies toilet? Really? Have you even read the thread? Or used a public toilet lately?......
Your armchair physcology is more harmful than anything the OP is doing.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@AlexRoss55

Not sure why you wouldn't want him to see a grown man using a urinal. I assume he's seen his father urinating. Perhaps you should explain to him what a flasher is and tell him that if an adult either flashes him or appears to be looking at his private parts, he should leave immediately or get help if necessary. But don't listen to me (or anyone else on this forum). If you're really taking him into ladies' restrooms at the age of seven, that's highly unusual, and I suggest you seek the opinion of a child psychologist. I fear you could be doing more harm than good.

And if he grabs you and pushes you into a, stall to sexually abuse you, do remember to tell him not to! 🙄🙄🙄

What do you think he's seeing in a ladies loo that's causing him harm? DS can literally see women... Washing their HANDS, the trauma!!!