AIBU not to explain why a 7yr old can't go in the gents?

[FlyingPi]

I'm sure this has been discussed before. When we're out and my boy needs the toilet, I make him come into the Ladies with me. Problem is, he's starting to complain about it and wants to go in the Gents on his own. I have let him do this in one particular place where there's never anyone about, so I knew he wouldn't encounter anyone at the urinals. I'm always honest with him but I don't quite know how to explain why I'm not letting him do this anywhere else, like at the swimming pool/gym toilets.
He knows about the Pants rules and personal space and consent but I don't exactly want to spell out what I'm worried about. What do you tell your kids?

Do you still wipe his arse and was his hands for him too?

Cut up his food?
Brush his teeth?
Hold his hand crossing the road?

You are raising a man child who's future wife will be picking up the pieces.

You’d be challenged back and told to bugger off & mind your own business. Clearly i’m there & he isn’t just wandering around 🙄

It’s quite easy to explain why a child needs teaching how to use a loo. I’ve explained what to do if the loo isn’t clean, what to do if the loo is blocked, what to do if there’s no loo paper, if the door doesn’t lock, if the sinks don’t function, not to put anything on the floor etc. Most public loos aren’t clean and therefore different to the home environment. You can say this but it works best in the actual situation in terms of kids seeing and understanding.

As part of my job, Ive dealt with a boy who was sexually abused in a public gents toilet

That is sad. But it's not a common occurrence. Women and girls get assaulted too. And encouraging boys to be fearful of their own sex is going to make that worse. Boys need to use the boys toilets, not the girls.

Risk assessment is actually analysing and managing the risk properly. Rather than breeding this culture of fear in boys and their obsessively over protective mothers who look for any excuse not to let go.

Are you serious. Your 12 yo must be mortified

At 7/8 I let mine go to the appropriate toilet.

The additional number of young boys using the facilities is of course one of the reasons why there is always a queue for the ladies' toilets. By no means the only reason, but a reason.

You’re worried about him seeing men using the urinalysis? You do realise he uses the toilet in the same way?

Not quite sure what autocorrect did there!

So how is a third rare?

What about dignity for the 12 year old?

surely your 12 year old will soon be going out with friends what do you expect them to do without mummy to hold his hand when he goes to the toilet?

ds is 13 and because of his disabilities needs help with toileting. Since the age of about 8 we have only used disabled toilets. The main reason being even if he is completely unaware of it he still deserves dignity.

If your daughter is not disabled, she should not be using the disabled toilets. They are for disabled people (the clue is in the name), and it doesn’t matter if they are empty every time you see them - they are provided for disabled people to use when they need them.

🤣

My 8 year old is terrified of going into the men’s on his own. He would try and hold it (and end up having an accident) rather than go in. And he would refuse swimming lessons if made to change alone in the men’s. No dad, so no option there. Happily goes in if he’s with a man he knows.

I’m not going to force him. He still comes into the ladies with me and I’m gently trying to encourage him to try. We’ll get there. Although at this point I’m not happy that he will be safe alone in men’s changing rooms and toilets.

there should be more family options available.

I have 4 boys and this has been a worry every time they get to a certain age, my first 3 refused to use the women's by about 5/6 . The youngest has asd and was still happy to go with me if needed at that age. The younger 3 usually went with an older brother any way at that age which made it easier

I wouldn't have an issue with a 7 year old in the loo with his mum , don't know why anyone would feel the need to challenge that

12 is ridiculous, my almost 12 year old is taller than me so over 5"7 no way should thet be in a womens toilet unless thet have sn and no disabled toilets are available

Imagine how embarrassed he would be if there were girls his age in there and he's still going to the loo with his mum 😳

OP I see that there hasnt actually been much of an answer to your question; I’m the same, I’m a single mum so there is no male to bring him into the toilets for me. I repeat that sometimes there are ‘tricky strangers’ so for now, he’s coming in with me to the ladies. End of. I do now let him go when its a restaurant or other quiet place, and if its just a wee then I know it should be 2-4 mins plus the faffing time!

some good recommendations there tho when the time does come - remind them to just shout if someone tries to stop them leaving, I shout into the loo obnoxiously from outside when I do let him go to the loo (yes, I am THAT mum and nor do I care) and perhaps wait for a cubicle?

its a tough one as I’m petrified of something happening to my DS in a situation like that and my anxiety about abuse goes into overdrive. I’m completely OTT about it due to my own history. Some nasty wankers out there when I think about my own childhood… but I have to ground myself and remember, most of the world is good.

He has learnt to be terrified from somewhere, its not normal for an 8 year old child to be terrified of going to the loo.

What does he do at school?

Absolutely, and the rest of my post said I assess the risk and make decisions. My kid is at primary and also v small for his age. I am satisfied that he can use the men’s sometimes but if I don’t feel comfortable then he comes in with me. This will obviously change as he gets a bit older.

I think that’s the point / one reason for caution and worry @Tinner01

You'd challenge a 7 year old boy? Why would they be a threat to you?
Jesus Christ.

At school he goes into the boys toilets. He knows everybody in his school, so isn’t worried.

I'm a single mum too. It doesn't mean I held my boy back because no man of the house. It did mean I hovered around the outside of the men's toilets a lot, calling out to check child was ok, and occasionally enlisting the help of random males to check on him too. It was fine. My son has been using the men's toilet since he was 6. He could have gone until 8, but he didn't want to use the women's. Understandably.

Why are you scared about your male child seeing men using urinals? So it’s okay for him to see women undressed in changing rooms, but got forbid he sees any male nudity even though he is male himself?

I’ve seen this a few times on here, but it’s usually about female children going with their fathers. I don’t understand why people have no issue with children of both sexes seeing adult women naked, but are totally against them seeing men naked? Why are naked women okay but not naked men? He’s not going to be scarred for life by seeing a penis, especially when he has one himself.

Although at this point I’m not happy that he will be safe alone in men’s changing rooms and toilets.

And your child is terrified of using them. But seemingly so are you. Do you think you may have projected your fear on to your child?

Our borough's leisure centres don't have single sex changing rooms and haven't done for many years. Just single, double and baby changing cubicles. The local one has single sex toilets within the swimming changing room area where the doors are clearly seen so I think people feel more comfortable.