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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dad and women's changing room.

244 replies

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:49

I have name changed for this just incase the dad in question is on here - I am maybe being paranoid but a little shaken up from this confrontation.

I go to toddler swimming class. It is in a school and there are 2 small communal changing rooms, one for women and one for men. I have to go in the pool with my child.

Today after class I was trying to get dressed but a Dad had the door wide open to the women's changing room, standing in the doorway, trying to "help" his wife with their four year old child. This Dad is not a regular and I have never seen him or his family before. The door to the changing room opens up to the lobby area so there is zero privacy if the door is open.

I asked to please move and shut the door as I was trying to get dressed. He looked me up and down and said that he was just trying to help with his child. I repeated that I wanted to get unchanged so he had to leave and shut the door. He then said that he was not some sort of pervert and that I need not worry, no one in their right mind would want to look at me anyway. I, at this stage start to get angry and say "I don't care if you want to look or not, I don't want to get undressed in front of you". He then shouted a bit more that I was mental and slammed the door and left.

Then there was an uncomfortable few minutes while I changed next to his wife and child in total silence. I hurried to get dressed and out asap as it was really awkward. My husband was changing our child in the men's changing room.

I leave the women's changing room to the foyer to put my shoes on and wait for my husband. This man is there and he is still angry. He starts attacking the way I dress and look and keeps repeating in different ways how I am too ugly for anyone to look at. I keep repeating over and over again that I don't care if he want to look or not, I have a right to my privacy. He is adamant he has a right to change his child and that he was not technically "in" the changing room, just at the door.

Then my husband comes out with our child. The guy looks at him and says "awww, I am so sorry for you Mate, having to be married to that". I say to my husband he is angry because I asked him to leave the changing room, and my husband responds with "don't speak to my wife like that".

My husband is an extremely calm and mild manner man, he tired to explain to him that when men are asked to leave female spaces they should do. The guys starts mocking him, "what is this fucking woke bullshit" and laughing. He then gets his phone out and starts phoning me and calling me a Karen and "look at the state of this bitch thinking I would give her the time of day - don't flatter yourself love". I just keep repeating all the time that all I wanted was to get dressed not in front of him. I then say it is extremely entitled of you to think you have a right to be in the women's changing room and he explodes at the word entitled. "Don't you dare call me entitled, I am going to find your car and hunt you down at a service station".

At this stage, we have our coats and shoes on now... I know there is a lot of text here but all this happened in just a couple of minutes. I say let's just leave. And he says, if you ever speak to me like that again I will have you.

We get back to the car and I bust in to tears and we drive home. Aibu to be worried he is going to upload that video to social media and make me look like some mental "Karen" (I hate that word, I am only using it as he did). Also should we just leave the class now? I don't want my child and husband to be put through that again. I don't know what the swimming school would say or do if I reported it. Should I report it? Sorry for being so waffley and for the many typos, I am very shaken up and really needed to get it all down and clear my head and work out the next step here.

OP posts:
WifeMotherWorker · 26/01/2023 12:25

I’m so sorry you experienced such hostility when asking for privacy. What a fucking ignorant asshole! This level of male entitlement is getting worse thanks to trans activists!!!
Report this awful individual to the school, the pool management and the police.

Gymrabbit · 26/01/2023 12:26

You need to report this to the school so they know the kind of dickpandering nut jobs who are running clubs there.
So what if you had called him a pervert (which you didn’t)
he’s a man attempting to watch little girls and women get dressed.
I would also be all over social media telling everyone that they they are implying that a woman who is being peered at while naked should suck it up and that any man who is challenged has every right to abuse her.
I’d also like to see their safeguarding policies…

Georginathatsme · 26/01/2023 12:27

This with bells on! They can’t wash their hands of it, they probably don’t want to be seen to have allowed this to happen as they clearly don’t have adequate signs or changing facilities that don’t have a little corridor before you get to the but where people are changed (usually places don’t have a door opening straight into the changing part).

But it’s no excuse and you know what - this man is clearly used to having to lie and make up excuses to the extent that he is believe-able. Doesn’t sound like this first rodeo?

Georginathatsme · 26/01/2023 12:27

His first*

Georginathatsme · 26/01/2023 12:27

This!!!

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 12:27

PuttingDownRoots · 26/01/2023 12:20

A man refusing to leave a womans changing room is being a pervert.

Well exactly Boots!

"Sorry, we cannot proceed with your complaint about being mugged, because as he was mugging you, you called your mugger a mugger."

Fully appreciate the school has to take a measured stance while they investigate (if they bother), but it cannot have escaped them that there was no need whatsoever for a man to hold open a women's changing room door & refuse to shut it.

Slowingdownagain · 26/01/2023 12:28

Definitely report. What an ass.

BubbleMachine · 26/01/2023 12:35

I am hoping that they are just trying to be fair and gather all the facts before making their mind up about what actually happened. Although it didn't sound that promising on the phone that any postive action was going to happen, but I wanted to remain calm and collected and not pass judgement until they get back to us later with an update on what (if any) steps are going to happen. They did say they were keen to not punish their child, which I agreed with. Their child is probably suffering enough with that man as their father without having to miss out on swimming lessons too. I just hope they say the dad can't attend to watch. I will update later if they call back today.

OP posts:
WifeMotherWorker · 26/01/2023 12:38

Hey OP, I’ve just read you update and what the swim school said to you on the phone… Jesus wept what on earth is happening to women’s safety in 2023?!?!?
Keep pushing and making your point that your privacy is a basic human right, this man is abusive and totally misogynistic, don’t doubt yourself for a moment xx

User837463839 · 26/01/2023 12:40

I’m so sorry they’re being so ridiculous OP! They’re completely out of order. Why bother having doors on the changing rooms if any bloke is allowed to stand in the doorway and stare in? I’d ask the swim teacher if she’d be happy to change under those circumstances! Plus what she would suggest you should’ve done?

Gymrabbit · 26/01/2023 12:42

BubbleMachine

All they have to do is ban the man from the premises. He can do drop offs down the road if transport is an issue.

his Presence in the changing room and response to be told no should be enough for this even ignoring the threats he made.

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/01/2023 12:46

I see that, as usual, some idiots have voted "YABU" when it's absutely evident that the OP is NOT.

Rhythmisadancer · 26/01/2023 12:46

Well done for standing your ground OP, the swim school are wrong to take that attitude, or if they believe that men should be allowed in the women's changing room they should publish that very clearly so that women who don't want to get changed in front of men can avoid it. Hell, if they think that men should be allowed to hold the door open, just take the door off - what's the point of it if it's not meant to be closed?
Most men, but particularly those who don't want to be thought of as perverts, keep out of women's changing rooms. It's really not that hard.
He was quite specific in his threat to harm you, so I hope the police take this assault more seriously and are able to explain the difference to the swim school between causing some to fear physical violence (a common law assault) - and the perception in a person's mind that others believe him to be a pervert (not a criminal offence).

Brefugee · 26/01/2023 12:48

Report it and ask that he is not allowed in for at least those sessions.
If the pool/school are reluctant call the police and ask about what they can do.

RandomMess · 26/01/2023 13:07

All that needs to happen to keep you both safe is men in the male changing room, women in the female changing room and doors are kept shut.

How bloody ridiculous of the swim school to deny that a man refusing to leave the changing rooms wasn't a valid and reasonable request and one that you shouldn't have had to ask!

RandomMess · 26/01/2023 13:09

I would actually write to the swim school and ask them why they don't agree that you ask a man to leave the woman's changing was reasonable and why they think it was ok for him to be in there/be keeping the door open.

FFS 🤬

whereaw · 26/01/2023 13:14

Is the swim school local or a franchise of a larger organisation? If the latter, I'd be going higher up

londonrach · 26/01/2023 13:19

I'm shocked at the swim school response.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/01/2023 13:32

You need to speak to both the pool and the police. That is absolutely shocking and very threatening behaviour. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/01/2023 13:35

The swim school’s response is really unacceptable. I’d contact them again explaining that you really don’t accept their response and asking to escalate if possible.

Let them know that you won’t be fobbed off with any suggest it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Really shocking.

Paq · 26/01/2023 13:38

The swim school sounds insane. Definitely pursue with police.

BaileySharp · 26/01/2023 13:46

How awful OP. That man is a nasty entitled misogynist for sure.

Hes made it into a he said she said thinblg how annoying.

If the swim school speak to you about it again make clear that you didn't call him a pervert but you do have a right to privacy from men while getting changed and he was not respecting that and instead started insulting your appearance. His intent in having a presence in the women's is irrelevant to your need for privacy and you did not speculate on that. In fact you understood he was helping his child change but even so, he should have respected your right to privacy and then he should not have been abusive. Tell them you won't feel safe if he is allowed to return as he threatened you (wife and child can return though)

Bingbongy · 26/01/2023 13:54

I’m so sorry this happened to you and the swim school’s response is awful!

billy1966 · 26/01/2023 13:56

Gymrabbit · 26/01/2023 12:26

You need to report this to the school so they know the kind of dickpandering nut jobs who are running clubs there.
So what if you had called him a pervert (which you didn’t)
he’s a man attempting to watch little girls and women get dressed.
I would also be all over social media telling everyone that they they are implying that a woman who is being peered at while naked should suck it up and that any man who is challenged has every right to abuse her.
I’d also like to see their safeguarding policies…

Absolutely this.

Parents need to be informed as do local schools that parents will be accused of escalating a situation by as asking a man to leave the ladies changing room.

I would be so furious at their response.

You need to go back to the police and make it clear you are not letting this go.

What if it was young teenage girls?

You need to put their response in writing back to them, to confirm they blame women who men to leave the changing room and to ask for their safe guarding policy that states that.

They deserve the nuclear response.

Imagine if that was some young girls without parents with them.

Absolutely dreadful.

BeardieWeirdie · 26/01/2023 13:57

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour. This is what happens when the outrageous anyone-is-free-to-enter-women’s-spaces nonsense is allowed to happen.

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