Dad and women's changing room.

[BubbleMachine]

I have name changed for this just incase the dad in question is on here - I am maybe being paranoid but a little shaken up from this confrontation.

I go to toddler swimming class. It is in a school and there are 2 small communal changing rooms, one for women and one for men. I have to go in the pool with my child.

Today after class I was trying to get dressed but a Dad had the door wide open to the women's changing room, standing in the doorway, trying to "help" his wife with their four year old child. This Dad is not a regular and I have never seen him or his family before. The door to the changing room opens up to the lobby area so there is zero privacy if the door is open.

I asked to please move and shut the door as I was trying to get dressed. He looked me up and down and said that he was just trying to help with his child. I repeated that I wanted to get unchanged so he had to leave and shut the door. He then said that he was not some sort of pervert and that I need not worry, no one in their right mind would want to look at me anyway. I, at this stage start to get angry and say "I don't care if you want to look or not, I don't want to get undressed in front of you". He then shouted a bit more that I was mental and slammed the door and left.

Then there was an uncomfortable few minutes while I changed next to his wife and child in total silence. I hurried to get dressed and out asap as it was really awkward. My husband was changing our child in the men's changing room.

I leave the women's changing room to the foyer to put my shoes on and wait for my husband. This man is there and he is still angry. He starts attacking the way I dress and look and keeps repeating in different ways how I am too ugly for anyone to look at. I keep repeating over and over again that I don't care if he want to look or not, I have a right to my privacy. He is adamant he has a right to change his child and that he was not technically "in" the changing room, just at the door.

Then my husband comes out with our child. The guy looks at him and says "awww, I am so sorry for you Mate, having to be married to that". I say to my husband he is angry because I asked him to leave the changing room, and my husband responds with "don't speak to my wife like that".

My husband is an extremely calm and mild manner man, he tired to explain to him that when men are asked to leave female spaces they should do. The guys starts mocking him, "what is this fucking woke bullshit" and laughing. He then gets his phone out and starts phoning me and calling me a Karen and "look at the state of this bitch thinking I would give her the time of day - don't flatter yourself love". I just keep repeating all the time that all I wanted was to get dressed not in front of him. I then say it is extremely entitled of you to think you have a right to be in the women's changing room and he explodes at the word entitled. "Don't you dare call me entitled, I am going to find your car and hunt you down at a service station".

At this stage, we have our coats and shoes on now... I know there is a lot of text here but all this happened in just a couple of minutes. I say let's just leave. And he says, if you ever speak to me like that again I will have you.

We get back to the car and I bust in to tears and we drive home. Aibu to be worried he is going to upload that video to social media and make me look like some mental "Karen" (I hate that word, I am only using it as he did). Also should we just leave the class now? I don't want my child and husband to be put through that again. I don't know what the swimming school would say or do if I reported it. Should I report it? Sorry for being so waffley and for the many typos, I am very shaken up and really needed to get it all down and clear my head and work out the next step here.

[Tiani4]

Ah the rest of thread has downloaded, so can see you did contact police and swimming pools. Good. Glad pool banned him

Lol that they've seen cctv and he's effectively admitted it!

His wife was caring for their child (SEN or not), he wasn't "helping" He was at the door peeping in & refused to close door when other woman wanted to get changed. He's using it as an excuse - many voyeurs try to find excuses if caught

He's done a Freudian slip as you didn't call him a pervert, he's used that word

[Tiani4]

Report to police as well as company and swimming pool
Police & company will use cctv also to capture his image and can find out his details via any card payments made

He committed criminal offence if voyerism (peeping in on women's changing room, he had no legitimate reason as his wife was in with their child) , threats to harm you & threats to commit criminal damage and harassment

[blubberyboo]

@BubbleMachine

you are totally in the right here. The man should not be looking in the door of a female changing room, but even if he was “helping” controlling his wife and child, any reasonable man would have turned and left immediately once asked to by a strange woman using the facility.

I believe you that you didn’t call him a pervert but I do believe that he is one and he knows it. He likes being powerful over women and didn’t like you challenging him.

[staceyflack]

Sorry missed update. Well done 👏

[staceyflack]

Poor you. What a total pig. Avoid him / blank him, if he's there again. If he does or says anything at all, report to the manager first off. Police if not taken seriously or escalates. Its 100% him - please trust yourself 💐

[PaterPower]

Not that it’s relevant to the situation, but is he even telling the truth about the SEN bit? He was prepared to lie about you calling him a pervert so I’d have my doubts about anything he’s come out with.

And even if he mistakenly thought you’d said or implied he was a pervert, how the hell does that justify him then ranting on about your looks, or about following you and ‘sorting you out’ in a lay by?!

I wouldn’t dream of hitting a woman. I’ve never felt the justification to threaten violence towards one either. And that’s not ‘woke’ - I’m about 35 years too old to be classed as that.

Glad the swimming instructor finally made the correct call and I hope the police take the matter seriously.

[billy1966]

I still think there initial response was completely unacceptable and I would still be informing them of that on paper.

There initial response was to attribute you blame.

Not acceptable.

I hope you continue with your complaint with the police.

How exactly was he helping his child by the door?

His threat to track you down?

He's a complete thug.

[Schoolchoicesucks]

Glad he has been banned. What a pity the swim school didn't watch the (clearly incriminating) cctv before their first call back to you. Glad your swimming lessons can continue and the other child has been moved to a different session.

[BubbleMachine]

There are signs on the doors making it clear what changing room is what. Occasionally, new families will walk into the wrong room but usually a polite "sorry, this is the ladies' changing room" has normally done the trick. The swimming school said this is only the 3rd time in all their years that they have dealt with someone in the wrong changing room as usual everyone just follows the signs.

[Starlitestarbright]

The swimming school should have a apolicy when it comes to the gender based changing rooms regardless. Its abit worrying they don't by the sounds of it.

[EasterIsland]

The dad is suggesting I was insinuating he was a pervert and that is why I didn't want him in the changing room. The swim school said that is a big and nasty allegation to make and of course it would make him angry. I explained I didn't call him a pervert, I just asked him, politely at first and then more firmer later to leave. They are trying to suggest we are both as bad as each other and "not a pleasant situation for him or you".

This is gaslighting. Totally.

The simple point is that that man should not have been looking in to a single-sex women's changing room.

No ifs or buts.

[TheMadGardener]

Make sure the police give you a crime number. Ask for the CCTV footage. Maybe a word from the police will make this guy think twice before abusing other women. Although it probably won't. Although being such a knob he might try mouthing off at a female police officer and get himself arrested. 😄



I'm glad the pool has banned him but if you ever glimpse him again lurking round there when you are there make sure you alert everyone and raise the roof.

[laalaaland]

Well done for standing up for yourself. I'm pleased the swimming place has been reasonable about it. I'd definitely follow up with the police if they don't call you back. His response was so aggressive and disproportionate, and in front of children. He needs reminding of just how out of order he was.

[GladAllOver]

Well done for standing up to this creep.
I feel sorry for his wife if that is his attitude to women.

[JudgeRudy]

Too right I'd report it! To the Police and to the Swimming Baths. I'd also ask the baths for clarification of their changing room policy but also to see if they have CCTV footage and not to delete it as it may be used as evidence for Crime number X.
In my view he has caused you fear, alarm and distress which makes it a public order offence (section 4A).
He's an entitled bully and needs putting in his place. I feel sorry for his family.

[BubbleMachine]

I wouldn't say he was helping, just kind of standing about and chatting with his wife while she was drying their child. The thing is, there was only 1 male in the men's changing room (my husband) and he was fully clothed getting our child dry and as I was the one who went in, I was getting myself sorted in the ladies. So the family could have all gone in the men's and used that and she could have undressed in front of my husband - but obviously she didn't want to do that (fair enough!) but they don't seem to understand why I wanted privacy. Also some people do just get their children dressed and sorted poolside, so that was also an option if they needed to both be present to help their child.

I am still waiting for my police call back - they did say 24 hours and not quite been that yet, so hopefully they will call soon.

[dexterslockedintheshedagain]

@BubbleMachine

They said on the call they have now seen the CCTV and the dad hasn't denied any of what I said but he seems to think it was justified because I called him a pervert when he just wanted to help his SEN child get dressed. I am just glad they have taken me seriously after investigating it and letting us both "have our say".

That's good, but they really should've looked at the CCTV first, before they came back you.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself. His behaviour is not on.

[CombatBarbie]

@Paq

OP please continue with the police report, he sounds dangerous!

And this too......

[CombatBarbie]

I'm glad I resisted to post on your first update and read the latest. The cctv must have had audio and proved you never called him a pervert.


Maybe a HUGE sign needs to go on the door stating no males.


Out of interest as you've mentioned SEN, did he actually help with the child or just stand in the door conversing with his poor wife?

[Paq]

OP please continue with the police report, he sounds dangerous!

[DdraigGoch]

@Eyerollcentral

Fgs it is NOT gaslighting. The swim school need to be seen to be fairly looking in to it. If they take you at your word, they have to take him at his word. He is a prick who has lied and said you made allegations that’s he is a perv. Wait to see what they say and if the police are going to take it any further. 100% is not bloody gaslighting by the swimming pool authority

This doesn't sound like open-minded evidence gathering, it sounds like a coward doing their level best to make the incident go away.

[DdraigGoch]

The dad is suggesting I was insinuating he was a pervert and that is why I didn't want him in the changing room. The swim school said that is a big and nasty allegation to make and of course it would make him angry.

Given that he has come to that conclusion all by himself, I'd agree with the PP who said that if any other man had done the same, he'd have been the first to complain. "Other men doing it = pervert; me doing it = fine". Clearly being (rightly) challenged hit a nerve.

[momtoboys]

Clearly he behaved like a knob to them too. Glad he has a consequence for his outrageous behavior.

[Nevermind31]

Of course you do not leave the lesson. You complain to the swimming company that a male participant insisted on staying in the female changing room, even when politely asked to leave, and the insulted and verbally attacked you, and threatened you. He also filmed you without your permission.
you do not feel save in the lesson’s environment- what will they do to ensure the safety of the participants?hope you are ok

[Minfilia]

Great update. What an absolute cock he is.

I hope the pool banning him (and hopefully the police giving him a talking to) will mean he now stays under his rock.