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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dad and women's changing room.

244 replies

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:49

I have name changed for this just incase the dad in question is on here - I am maybe being paranoid but a little shaken up from this confrontation.

I go to toddler swimming class. It is in a school and there are 2 small communal changing rooms, one for women and one for men. I have to go in the pool with my child.

Today after class I was trying to get dressed but a Dad had the door wide open to the women's changing room, standing in the doorway, trying to "help" his wife with their four year old child. This Dad is not a regular and I have never seen him or his family before. The door to the changing room opens up to the lobby area so there is zero privacy if the door is open.

I asked to please move and shut the door as I was trying to get dressed. He looked me up and down and said that he was just trying to help with his child. I repeated that I wanted to get unchanged so he had to leave and shut the door. He then said that he was not some sort of pervert and that I need not worry, no one in their right mind would want to look at me anyway. I, at this stage start to get angry and say "I don't care if you want to look or not, I don't want to get undressed in front of you". He then shouted a bit more that I was mental and slammed the door and left.

Then there was an uncomfortable few minutes while I changed next to his wife and child in total silence. I hurried to get dressed and out asap as it was really awkward. My husband was changing our child in the men's changing room.

I leave the women's changing room to the foyer to put my shoes on and wait for my husband. This man is there and he is still angry. He starts attacking the way I dress and look and keeps repeating in different ways how I am too ugly for anyone to look at. I keep repeating over and over again that I don't care if he want to look or not, I have a right to my privacy. He is adamant he has a right to change his child and that he was not technically "in" the changing room, just at the door.

Then my husband comes out with our child. The guy looks at him and says "awww, I am so sorry for you Mate, having to be married to that". I say to my husband he is angry because I asked him to leave the changing room, and my husband responds with "don't speak to my wife like that".

My husband is an extremely calm and mild manner man, he tired to explain to him that when men are asked to leave female spaces they should do. The guys starts mocking him, "what is this fucking woke bullshit" and laughing. He then gets his phone out and starts phoning me and calling me a Karen and "look at the state of this bitch thinking I would give her the time of day - don't flatter yourself love". I just keep repeating all the time that all I wanted was to get dressed not in front of him. I then say it is extremely entitled of you to think you have a right to be in the women's changing room and he explodes at the word entitled. "Don't you dare call me entitled, I am going to find your car and hunt you down at a service station".

At this stage, we have our coats and shoes on now... I know there is a lot of text here but all this happened in just a couple of minutes. I say let's just leave. And he says, if you ever speak to me like that again I will have you.

We get back to the car and I bust in to tears and we drive home. Aibu to be worried he is going to upload that video to social media and make me look like some mental "Karen" (I hate that word, I am only using it as he did). Also should we just leave the class now? I don't want my child and husband to be put through that again. I don't know what the swimming school would say or do if I reported it. Should I report it? Sorry for being so waffley and for the many typos, I am very shaken up and really needed to get it all down and clear my head and work out the next step here.

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 25/01/2023 20:50

What a disgusting man. He shouldn't have to be told to stay away from the women's changing room. His wife surely didn't need help with one four year old child anyway. I've managed to get three preschoolers sorted in a pool changing room by myself before. I imagine life isn't that easy for his wife or child. You are definitely not BU.

Melliphant · 25/01/2023 20:51

You were right to be worried OP that the man in question might be on Mumsnet - I think he's known as @GoAGoGo

keri17 · 25/01/2023 20:51

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:56

There is only one staff member at lessons, the teacher who was in the pool with the next class. I don't want say the company name but they hire the pool from a school and put the lessons on. So there isn't any receptionist or lifeguard etc. There is cctv in the foyer, but I am unsure if it records sound.

Woah there’s only a teacher and no lifeguard or other staff? This is a huge no no at my DHs school

RichardBarrister · 25/01/2023 20:52

Echoing all advice to report to swim school and police but I would add to do it asap to r sure you get your side in first.

Abusive men like this can be clever and sneaky and you don’t want him getting a complaint in about you (obviously making up a load of nonsense about you shouting at him) and getting you banned.

I hope you can get some action on this because that is a horrible experience and he is clearly an abusive man who doesn’t respect women’s boundaries.

Cate0101 · 25/01/2023 20:53

Sorry that this happened to you. You have every right to your privacy. If he puts the video online I would contact the police.

RLScott · 25/01/2023 20:53

Awful what happened to yo. He’s an imbecile.

He also abused and trivialised the term Karen. A Karen is the latest term black people in america use for a racist, entitled, american (white) woman who uses her white privilege to demand her own way...for example phoning the police on black people in the knowledge that the racist entity that is america is rigged against non white people which it has been since it was “founded”. 14 year old black boy Emmett Till was murdered after a Karen accused him of wolf whistling at her. Previous terms include Miss Ann and Becky.

Forfrigz · 25/01/2023 20:53

Eurgh imagine being the woman who slept with him. I'd literally have a radical hysterectomy

momtoboys · 25/01/2023 20:56

I'm sorry. What should have been a nice time with your family gets ruined by such a wanker. Your should report it to anyone you can think of.

airey · 25/01/2023 20:56
  • Report him to the swim school in writing (major safeguarding issue)
  • report him to the primary school, or CC them in to the swim school email
  • if there were any witnesses ask them to also report him
  • report him to police

His poor wife. I wonder what she is going through. Maybe you can look out for her a little, maybe you’ll never get the chance, but if you did.. poor thing may be suffering and be grateful someone asked

You did really well today in a horrid situation. Be proud of yourself x

Emmamoo89 · 25/01/2023 20:56

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Sending you lots of love ❤️

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 20:57

Thank you so much to all of you. You really don't know how much your words and support has meant to me - that might sound a bit cheesy, but it is really true. I have reported this to 101 who are going to contact me with in 24 hours to discuss more and I have also sent a email with the details from my OP to the swim school and I let them know I have called 101. They replied almost instantly saying how horrible it sounded and they would call me in the morning to discuss and get all the details.

I am not expecting the police to do anything but at least, as another poster pointed out, if he has a habit for treating women like this then maybe it will help build up a bigger picture.

I keep playing it over and over and really if he had just left and shut the door when I politely asked, which I believe 99.9% of people would have done, none of this would have happened.

I could have maybe gone and got the teacher, but she was literally in the pool, it was easier and quicker to just get our shoes on that were left in the foyer bit and get out as quick as we could.

OP posts:
overwroughtmummy · 25/01/2023 20:58

keri17 · 25/01/2023 20:51

Woah there’s only a teacher and no lifeguard or other staff? This is a huge no no at my DHs school

Surely it depends on the size of the class? My daughters’ classes only have four children to each instructor. While for some lessons there are a couple of instructors in the pool doing another small class or a private lesson there’s never less than a 1:4 ration - a lifeguard too would be overkill I’d think especially as parents typically watch the 30 minute lessons from the side of the pool.

pattihews · 25/01/2023 20:58

Tomnooktoldmeto · 25/01/2023 19:54

You need to report him (and his wife) to the pool and the club. It is misogyny and a hate crime and not acceptable. His wife is either complicit as she failed to challenge him or as I suspect his primary victim

Either way he should be barred from the club and pool

Misogyny, sadly, isn't a hate crime. Most men would be guilty of it if it was. The police and the courts couldn't cope with it.

TrashyPanda · 25/01/2023 20:59

What a horrible man

so glad you have reported

you do nothing wrong

he is a vile bully

Scaredofmynipple · 25/01/2023 20:59

He's a horrible bully. I'm so glad you had a decent man your husband. Up to you if you complain. You didn't do anything wrong and your physical reaction shaking etc is normal.. hug x

Forfrigz · 25/01/2023 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Snugglemonkey · 25/01/2023 21:02

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 20:57

Thank you so much to all of you. You really don't know how much your words and support has meant to me - that might sound a bit cheesy, but it is really true. I have reported this to 101 who are going to contact me with in 24 hours to discuss more and I have also sent a email with the details from my OP to the swim school and I let them know I have called 101. They replied almost instantly saying how horrible it sounded and they would call me in the morning to discuss and get all the details.

I am not expecting the police to do anything but at least, as another poster pointed out, if he has a habit for treating women like this then maybe it will help build up a bigger picture.

I keep playing it over and over and really if he had just left and shut the door when I politely asked, which I believe 99.9% of people would have done, none of this would have happened.

I could have maybe gone and got the teacher, but she was literally in the pool, it was easier and quicker to just get our shoes on that were left in the foyer bit and get out as quick as we could.

You do not have to justify yourself to anyone. You did the right thing!

MenaiMna · 25/01/2023 21:05

peeweechigs · 25/01/2023 19:52

Send exactly what you've written here to the teacher and the person who runs the swimming classes/school. That man should be banned and then you continue to go. Ask them to ban him. You don't leave! And report it to the police as he threatened you and that is a criminal act liable to prosecution.

Absolutely this. He escalated this to a verbal assault when he was wrong (legally & morally) in the first place.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 25/01/2023 21:07

You handled this perfectly, you should be proud of yourself! All he achieved was to show was a misogynistic, nasty piece of work he was. I feel sorry for his wife and kid!!

CombatBarbie · 25/01/2023 21:07

Bet he has a small dick too....

Glad you reported though, he sounds vile!!

xsquared · 25/01/2023 21:08

What a horrible thing to have happened to you OP. You absolutely handled it well and didn't stoop to his level, so well done for standing your ground.

Perhaps his wife was too embarrassed to come out of the changing room, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was mistreating her at home either. Sad

You did the right thing reporting him, and hopefully he will be banned for his behaviour.

Wishing you all the best for a positive outcome.

WilburTheIron · 25/01/2023 21:12

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:09

A staff member can always be found, even if it means going to the reception.

Read it again, slower this time.

ACynicalDad · 25/01/2023 21:20

From what you've said, I'd report to the pool, the class operator if they are different and possibly the police too. Utter scum, I expect his wife was as embarrassed, hope he's not like that to her too.

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 21:32

We have been using the same swimming school since my eldest was a toddler and she is in secondary school now.

Classes have always been just 1 teacher there and upto 6 parent and child pairs in the pool. I though this was fairly usual for this sort of lesson when the parents are in the pool and are responsible for their child. We do usually really love and rate the swim classes so this isn't a reflection on the them and I am hoping tomorrow they help to resolve this as I would rather not have to be in a class with him again.

I have had a glass of wine now so feeling a bit more calm and glad it is over. Thanks all again :-).

OP posts:
Furore · 25/01/2023 21:32

Perhaps he wanted to ensure his wife wasn't left alone, afraid of what she might say to someone about him because he is a domestic abuser. From how he treated you, he is a prime suspect.

What a horrible awful experience

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