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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dad and women's changing room.

244 replies

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:49

I have name changed for this just incase the dad in question is on here - I am maybe being paranoid but a little shaken up from this confrontation.

I go to toddler swimming class. It is in a school and there are 2 small communal changing rooms, one for women and one for men. I have to go in the pool with my child.

Today after class I was trying to get dressed but a Dad had the door wide open to the women's changing room, standing in the doorway, trying to "help" his wife with their four year old child. This Dad is not a regular and I have never seen him or his family before. The door to the changing room opens up to the lobby area so there is zero privacy if the door is open.

I asked to please move and shut the door as I was trying to get dressed. He looked me up and down and said that he was just trying to help with his child. I repeated that I wanted to get unchanged so he had to leave and shut the door. He then said that he was not some sort of pervert and that I need not worry, no one in their right mind would want to look at me anyway. I, at this stage start to get angry and say "I don't care if you want to look or not, I don't want to get undressed in front of you". He then shouted a bit more that I was mental and slammed the door and left.

Then there was an uncomfortable few minutes while I changed next to his wife and child in total silence. I hurried to get dressed and out asap as it was really awkward. My husband was changing our child in the men's changing room.

I leave the women's changing room to the foyer to put my shoes on and wait for my husband. This man is there and he is still angry. He starts attacking the way I dress and look and keeps repeating in different ways how I am too ugly for anyone to look at. I keep repeating over and over again that I don't care if he want to look or not, I have a right to my privacy. He is adamant he has a right to change his child and that he was not technically "in" the changing room, just at the door.

Then my husband comes out with our child. The guy looks at him and says "awww, I am so sorry for you Mate, having to be married to that". I say to my husband he is angry because I asked him to leave the changing room, and my husband responds with "don't speak to my wife like that".

My husband is an extremely calm and mild manner man, he tired to explain to him that when men are asked to leave female spaces they should do. The guys starts mocking him, "what is this fucking woke bullshit" and laughing. He then gets his phone out and starts phoning me and calling me a Karen and "look at the state of this bitch thinking I would give her the time of day - don't flatter yourself love". I just keep repeating all the time that all I wanted was to get dressed not in front of him. I then say it is extremely entitled of you to think you have a right to be in the women's changing room and he explodes at the word entitled. "Don't you dare call me entitled, I am going to find your car and hunt you down at a service station".

At this stage, we have our coats and shoes on now... I know there is a lot of text here but all this happened in just a couple of minutes. I say let's just leave. And he says, if you ever speak to me like that again I will have you.

We get back to the car and I bust in to tears and we drive home. Aibu to be worried he is going to upload that video to social media and make me look like some mental "Karen" (I hate that word, I am only using it as he did). Also should we just leave the class now? I don't want my child and husband to be put through that again. I don't know what the swimming school would say or do if I reported it. Should I report it? Sorry for being so waffley and for the many typos, I am very shaken up and really needed to get it all down and clear my head and work out the next step here.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 25/01/2023 20:39

This reply has been deleted

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What’s your point here? Apart from trying to start annoyance for someone already very upset.

Dente · 25/01/2023 20:39

What a cretin and who the hell is voting that she is being unreasonable!

OP, hope you are okay.

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:39

osprey24 · 25/01/2023 20:36

GoAGoGO I have reported you for bullying the OP. She has been bullied enough by the abusive man at the pool.

Bullying? For not wringing my hands? Fair enough.

iamyourequal · 25/01/2023 20:39

You should absolutely report this. What a nasty horrible man. I hope you are ok.

GoAGoGo and the other morons who voted YABU on this thread should be ashamed of themselves, what an absolutely vile outlook on life they must have.

sunseaandme · 25/01/2023 20:40

What a total dick. Even if he did upload to social media he will just make himself look like the turd he is as you really did have a right to be annoyed at him in that situation. 100% report him to the school or whoever, he was saying threatening things x

NannyGythaOgg · 25/01/2023 20:40

I very much doubt he will but, in some ways, him uploading the video would be good for you. Even more evidence, if such were needed, that he was rude, bullying and acting illegally.

I really hope you have reported it to the police and that they are taking this as seriously as they should. Like others, I feel sorry for his poor wife and child and suspect the bullying is even worse at home.

IneedanewTV · 25/01/2023 20:41

UmmmBopDeeDooWhop · 25/01/2023 20:16

Nowhere in her post does she say she tried to find a staff member.
I rest my case.

Read her response. There were no staff apart from the teacher.

SD1978 · 25/01/2023 20:41

I would report to the police as well as the swimming pool. He sounds like a self entitled bully. He deserves it

sevenbyseven · 25/01/2023 20:42

What an awful man. You've done nothing wrong and I'm glad your DH did nothing to escalate the situation.

If you don't report this you'll always look back and wish you had. Good luck 💐

IneedanewTV · 25/01/2023 20:44

The OP was verbally abused and threatened by a man. She was 100% in the Right.

to those posters asking her why she didn’t find another adult or why her husband didn’t step in. Stop it. She was abused. Does it matter about the rest? Stop questioning her and making her doubt herself. It’s cruel and pathetic.

NannyGythaOgg · 25/01/2023 20:44

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:39

Bullying? For not wringing my hands? Fair enough.

You clearly are a bully too.

Escalating matters there and then would have done no one any good

billy1966 · 25/01/2023 20:44

You poor woman.

He refused to leave the female area, has verbally abused and threatened you and threatened to track you down.

Absolutely report him to the police.

He's a vile thug.

Also report to the swimming school owner.

whereaw · 25/01/2023 20:44

Just wanted to say you a true heroine! You stood your ground and spoke the truth! You did not back down. I am proud of you on behalf of all women.

Take a deep breath and give yourself a pat on the back Queen.

I can feel that 'looked me up and down' and I've experienced it too, and these type of men are not worth the attention of any woman, and they know it. Insecure little toad.

Definitely report!

Glitterandmud · 25/01/2023 20:44

How horrible. You did so well sticking up for yourself, I really don't know how I would react in a situation like that.

Another one saying report to the swimming pool and the police.

Noicant · 25/01/2023 20:45

Yeah report to the police, neither you or your husband acted unreasonably. He had no need to be and his behaviour after was appalling. He’s the kind of person that just spreads misery wherever he goes. He was trying to humiliate you because you pointed out that he was behaving like a creep. He was trying to turn it back on you. Dick.

thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 25/01/2023 20:45

He's a massive twat, sorry that happened. He made himself look even worse by adding those extra comments.

Yeahrightthen · 25/01/2023 20:46

What a disgusting, abhorrent excuse for a man.

I hope you’re ok now OP - I have been involved in situations like this with aggressive, toxic male behaviour and I know exactly how you feel.

My overriding emotion would be pity for his wife and child - if he’s like that in public imagine what he’s like behind closed doors.

You can absolutely report him but I doubt anything will happen - I have been to the police before now when threatened with violence by men and they do nothing I’m afraid.

He’s not worth a piece of shit on your shoe.

SLS500 · 25/01/2023 20:47

I'm so sorry this happened and I'm sure you are shaken.

Report to the school and the police. He sounds unhinged! What an absolute arsehole - who does he think he is.

I'm glad your husband didn't intervene because it would have escalated.

Sadly there are ignorant twats out there , you don't have to look far @GoAGoGo

Motnight · 25/01/2023 20:47

What a horrible experience, Op. Well done for sticking up for yourself.

FuckNuggets · 25/01/2023 20:48

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:03

Why didn't you just go and find a staff member instead of standing arguing?
Then your DH just stood there while the bloke carried on being abusive towards you? Wow.

I don't know what thread you're reading, but it isn't this one. That isn't what happened.

AnotherSpare · 25/01/2023 20:48

Absolutely report this! Report to the company who run the swimming lessons, who will know who he is or at least which children were in that class. Report to the school whose premises you were on, who will be able to access (and save!) the cctv if it was recording. And report to the police!

What a vile disgusting man. What a scary experience, no wonder you are shaking.

Rightsraptor · 25/01/2023 20:48

Please report to whoever you can. I'd bet good money he treats his wife like that too, which is why she was effectively hiding. And also why he had the door open in the first place, so he could control what was going on inside the changing room. I mean, how many people does it take to dress a small child?

TattoedLady · 25/01/2023 20:50

This reply has been deleted

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GoAGoGoAway

Greblegable · 25/01/2023 20:50

You poor thing :( glad you’re calling police

if that video does end up online no one is going to think you were being unreasonable when they hear that you’re saying you only wanted to get changed with the door shut. Horrible man.

LIZS · 25/01/2023 20:50

Definitely report, to the swim school, the venue and police. He was vile and abusive, in front of children. On another note I am shocked there is only one member of staff onsite. There should be someone lifeguard training nearby, landside or in reception. Is there a risk assessment fir the lessons?