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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dad and women's changing room.

244 replies

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:49

I have name changed for this just incase the dad in question is on here - I am maybe being paranoid but a little shaken up from this confrontation.

I go to toddler swimming class. It is in a school and there are 2 small communal changing rooms, one for women and one for men. I have to go in the pool with my child.

Today after class I was trying to get dressed but a Dad had the door wide open to the women's changing room, standing in the doorway, trying to "help" his wife with their four year old child. This Dad is not a regular and I have never seen him or his family before. The door to the changing room opens up to the lobby area so there is zero privacy if the door is open.

I asked to please move and shut the door as I was trying to get dressed. He looked me up and down and said that he was just trying to help with his child. I repeated that I wanted to get unchanged so he had to leave and shut the door. He then said that he was not some sort of pervert and that I need not worry, no one in their right mind would want to look at me anyway. I, at this stage start to get angry and say "I don't care if you want to look or not, I don't want to get undressed in front of you". He then shouted a bit more that I was mental and slammed the door and left.

Then there was an uncomfortable few minutes while I changed next to his wife and child in total silence. I hurried to get dressed and out asap as it was really awkward. My husband was changing our child in the men's changing room.

I leave the women's changing room to the foyer to put my shoes on and wait for my husband. This man is there and he is still angry. He starts attacking the way I dress and look and keeps repeating in different ways how I am too ugly for anyone to look at. I keep repeating over and over again that I don't care if he want to look or not, I have a right to my privacy. He is adamant he has a right to change his child and that he was not technically "in" the changing room, just at the door.

Then my husband comes out with our child. The guy looks at him and says "awww, I am so sorry for you Mate, having to be married to that". I say to my husband he is angry because I asked him to leave the changing room, and my husband responds with "don't speak to my wife like that".

My husband is an extremely calm and mild manner man, he tired to explain to him that when men are asked to leave female spaces they should do. The guys starts mocking him, "what is this fucking woke bullshit" and laughing. He then gets his phone out and starts phoning me and calling me a Karen and "look at the state of this bitch thinking I would give her the time of day - don't flatter yourself love". I just keep repeating all the time that all I wanted was to get dressed not in front of him. I then say it is extremely entitled of you to think you have a right to be in the women's changing room and he explodes at the word entitled. "Don't you dare call me entitled, I am going to find your car and hunt you down at a service station".

At this stage, we have our coats and shoes on now... I know there is a lot of text here but all this happened in just a couple of minutes. I say let's just leave. And he says, if you ever speak to me like that again I will have you.

We get back to the car and I bust in to tears and we drive home. Aibu to be worried he is going to upload that video to social media and make me look like some mental "Karen" (I hate that word, I am only using it as he did). Also should we just leave the class now? I don't want my child and husband to be put through that again. I don't know what the swimming school would say or do if I reported it. Should I report it? Sorry for being so waffley and for the many typos, I am very shaken up and really needed to get it all down and clear my head and work out the next step here.

OP posts:
BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 21:38

@Furore that is a very insightful thought. I really hope not, but sadly he did seem the type. Especially all the comments about my appearance over and over. Like women are only worthwhile and if he deems them attractive. And how quick he escalated to physical threats. So glad to be home and safe.

OP posts:
SnappyDragony · 25/01/2023 21:45

What an utter prick of a man!! He should be ashamed of himself but I doubt the idiot even has the empathy for that.

If his wife is his main target, maybe this catalyst will be the wake up call she needs.

I'm sorry you, your husband and child had to experience this.

Georginathatsme · 25/01/2023 21:51

Well done you! Who knows, maybe his wife finally has a way out now xxx

Cate0101 · 25/01/2023 23:16

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:03

Why didn't you just go and find a staff member instead of standing arguing?
Then your DH just stood there while the bloke carried on being abusive towards you? Wow.

It’s called not escalating the situation .. what’s wrong with you.

Mars27 · 25/01/2023 23:20

Furore · 25/01/2023 21:32

Perhaps he wanted to ensure his wife wasn't left alone, afraid of what she might say to someone about him because he is a domestic abuser. From how he treated you, he is a prime suspect.

What a horrible awful experience

If he does that to a woman he never saw in public, imagine what he does to his wife private. Just the thought terrifies me

WilburTheIron · 26/01/2023 00:16

That is the kind of man that would absolutely lose it if your husband had been the one holding the door open while his wife got changed.

Tinkerbyebye · 26/01/2023 00:22

I would report to the school, but I would also report to the police. What he did was harassment, and there was threatening behaviour. If you know names, provide them

thisismynewface · 26/01/2023 00:39

He sounds terrifying and he has assaulted and threatened you with violence which I think are both criminal offences.

I hope that he is banned from the swimming school and the police have words with him. I wonder if he is known to them for violence / domestic abuse, I can't believe this is the first time he's done this.

Sorry you had to go through that, it honestly sounds terrifying and I hope the police and swim school take this seriously

EasterIsland · 26/01/2023 03:22

What an abusive man. Please report him.

BubbleMachine · 26/01/2023 05:31

I have been thinking about it most of the night. I really hate confrontation and I feel awful today. I am a bit worried that when he finds out we have reported him what he will do - but I hope that is just the middle of the night anxiety talking and actually it will be ok today once we talk to the swim school later.

OP posts:
holierthanthou73 · 26/01/2023 08:21

BubbleMachine · 26/01/2023 05:31

I have been thinking about it most of the night. I really hate confrontation and I feel awful today. I am a bit worried that when he finds out we have reported him what he will do - but I hope that is just the middle of the night anxiety talking and actually it will be ok today once we talk to the swim school later.

If he does he would be stupid to do anything else as he could potentially end up in a cell. Try to relax OP and not overthink. You’ve done the right thing reporting it and I hope he gets his comeuppance. Keep us all updated.

jeaux90 · 26/01/2023 08:54

Furore · 25/01/2023 21:32

Perhaps he wanted to ensure his wife wasn't left alone, afraid of what she might say to someone about him because he is a domestic abuser. From how he treated you, he is a prime suspect.

What a horrible awful experience

My first thought too.

No reasonable man would stare into the female changing room to watch his wife changing a small child.

OP I hope you feel a bit better today. It sounded absolutely horrible. Really good you reported him.

TattoedLady · 26/01/2023 08:58

BubbleMachine · 26/01/2023 05:31

I have been thinking about it most of the night. I really hate confrontation and I feel awful today. I am a bit worried that when he finds out we have reported him what he will do - but I hope that is just the middle of the night anxiety talking and actually it will be ok today once we talk to the swim school later.

Cup of tea and deep breath this morning. You've reported what happened to the school and police (hopefully there's CCTV) and your husband is a witness. He'd be a fool to do anything. Good luck today.

Copperfield27 · 26/01/2023 09:01

Report to police, venue and company putting on lessons.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 09:28

Aibu to be worried he is going to upload that video to social media and make me look like some mental "Karen" (I hate that word, I am only using it as he did

If he uploads a video with sound, he can't avoid his own unpleasant commentary being on the video too, so he's the one who is going to be seen as unhinged.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 09:31

I don't know what the swimming school would say or do if I reported it. Should I report it?

You don't need to second-guess the school's response, but YES of course you must report this.

It was bad enough that he stood looking into the women's room, keeping the door wide open to the public gaze. The verbal assault he launched on you indicates a dangerous & volatile man who shouldn't be on school property. If I'd been staff there & witnessed any of it I'd be recommending that he was banned.

BubbleMachine · 26/01/2023 12:04

So the swim school called back and it was not the type of call I expected actually.

They had already called the dad to hear "his side of the story". The school agreed that physical threats of violence are not ok and acknowledged I was scared but explained the dad was not "fearless" either. The dad is suggesting I was insinuating he was a pervert and that is why I didn't want him in the changing room. The swim school said that is a big and nasty allegation to make and of course it would make him angry. I explained I didn't call him a pervert, I just asked him, politely at first and then more firmer later to leave. They are trying to suggest we are both as bad as each other and "not a pleasant situation for him or you".

I wasn't exactly thrilled and kept trying to make the point that I didn't call him a pervert and that he just had to leave and none of this would have happened. And surely also, whatever I said to him didn't warrant him threatening to come after us. Which they did agree to. They said they are going to go away and decide what to do in order to "keep us both safe".

I haven't had a future call back from the police yet.

OP posts:
BubbleMachine · 26/01/2023 12:06

I mean a further call back from the police.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 12:08

That is disappointing Bubble. I doubt they believe it themselves, as who would take the word of a man refusing to close a changing room door, or one whose wife was already present in the changing room meaning he didn't need to be there to watch his child as he was pretending?

But it's a very easy get-out for them to paint the incident as 6 of one half a dozen of the other. You're right to follow up with the police - there will be cctv, & there were witnesses.

jeaux90 · 26/01/2023 12:16

OP it's gaslighting by the swim school.

Under no circumstances is it ok for a man to be holding the changing room door open to a female space.

Don't back down. You did nothing wrong.

Eyerollcentral · 26/01/2023 12:18

jeaux90 · 26/01/2023 12:16

OP it's gaslighting by the swim school.

Under no circumstances is it ok for a man to be holding the changing room door open to a female space.

Don't back down. You did nothing wrong.

Fgs it is NOT gaslighting. The swim school need to be seen to be fairly looking in to it. If they take you at your word, they have to take him at his word. He is a prick who has lied and said you made allegations that’s he is a perv. Wait to see what they say and if the police are going to take it any further. 100% is not bloody gaslighting by the swimming pool authority

FUPAgirl · 26/01/2023 12:19

That is very disappointing op and it sounds like you might be best finding a new swim school sadly. He is a horrible nasty piece of work and you sound absolutely lovely. You and your family do not deserve the stress of having to go back there again. The swim school should absolutely have taken this very seriously as he should not have been looking into the female changing area regardless, so to try and pin some blame on you is absolutely vile.

PuttingDownRoots · 26/01/2023 12:20

A man refusing to leave a womans changing room is being a pervert.

organicapricot · 26/01/2023 12:20

That's disappointing. I get they would want to get his side but surprised they did that without speaking with you first to fully understand what happened. I appreciate without any witnesses it is going to be one persons word against another but I would certainly expect them to take some action to ensure you feel comfortable going forwards. If they didn't I'd be looking for a new swimming class for my DC I think.

FUPAgirl · 26/01/2023 12:22

Eyerollcentral · 26/01/2023 12:18

Fgs it is NOT gaslighting. The swim school need to be seen to be fairly looking in to it. If they take you at your word, they have to take him at his word. He is a prick who has lied and said you made allegations that’s he is a perv. Wait to see what they say and if the police are going to take it any further. 100% is not bloody gaslighting by the swimming pool authority

But ultimately he should not have been looking into the female changing room, it sounds like he did not deny that he did so to the swim school - so that alone should be enough for the school to have told him that he has no right to do so. It doesn't really matter whether op suggested he was a 'perv' or not, he shouldn't have been doing what he was doing.

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