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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dad and women's changing room.

244 replies

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 19:49

I have name changed for this just incase the dad in question is on here - I am maybe being paranoid but a little shaken up from this confrontation.

I go to toddler swimming class. It is in a school and there are 2 small communal changing rooms, one for women and one for men. I have to go in the pool with my child.

Today after class I was trying to get dressed but a Dad had the door wide open to the women's changing room, standing in the doorway, trying to "help" his wife with their four year old child. This Dad is not a regular and I have never seen him or his family before. The door to the changing room opens up to the lobby area so there is zero privacy if the door is open.

I asked to please move and shut the door as I was trying to get dressed. He looked me up and down and said that he was just trying to help with his child. I repeated that I wanted to get unchanged so he had to leave and shut the door. He then said that he was not some sort of pervert and that I need not worry, no one in their right mind would want to look at me anyway. I, at this stage start to get angry and say "I don't care if you want to look or not, I don't want to get undressed in front of you". He then shouted a bit more that I was mental and slammed the door and left.

Then there was an uncomfortable few minutes while I changed next to his wife and child in total silence. I hurried to get dressed and out asap as it was really awkward. My husband was changing our child in the men's changing room.

I leave the women's changing room to the foyer to put my shoes on and wait for my husband. This man is there and he is still angry. He starts attacking the way I dress and look and keeps repeating in different ways how I am too ugly for anyone to look at. I keep repeating over and over again that I don't care if he want to look or not, I have a right to my privacy. He is adamant he has a right to change his child and that he was not technically "in" the changing room, just at the door.

Then my husband comes out with our child. The guy looks at him and says "awww, I am so sorry for you Mate, having to be married to that". I say to my husband he is angry because I asked him to leave the changing room, and my husband responds with "don't speak to my wife like that".

My husband is an extremely calm and mild manner man, he tired to explain to him that when men are asked to leave female spaces they should do. The guys starts mocking him, "what is this fucking woke bullshit" and laughing. He then gets his phone out and starts phoning me and calling me a Karen and "look at the state of this bitch thinking I would give her the time of day - don't flatter yourself love". I just keep repeating all the time that all I wanted was to get dressed not in front of him. I then say it is extremely entitled of you to think you have a right to be in the women's changing room and he explodes at the word entitled. "Don't you dare call me entitled, I am going to find your car and hunt you down at a service station".

At this stage, we have our coats and shoes on now... I know there is a lot of text here but all this happened in just a couple of minutes. I say let's just leave. And he says, if you ever speak to me like that again I will have you.

We get back to the car and I bust in to tears and we drive home. Aibu to be worried he is going to upload that video to social media and make me look like some mental "Karen" (I hate that word, I am only using it as he did). Also should we just leave the class now? I don't want my child and husband to be put through that again. I don't know what the swimming school would say or do if I reported it. Should I report it? Sorry for being so waffley and for the many typos, I am very shaken up and really needed to get it all down and clear my head and work out the next step here.

OP posts:
Eightiesgirl · 25/01/2023 20:01

I am so sorry you were put through this by this thug. I would immediately report it to the swimming school and I would also report it to the police tonight. This thug threatened you. Were there any witnesses? It shouldn't be hard for the swimming staff to identify who this man was via his wife, if she's a member. Also, is there CCTV in the foyer? Definitely report him to the police, you do not need to just accept being subjected to this abusive behavior and goodness knows what he'll do next time. I pity his wife and child.

Afiercemouse · 25/01/2023 20:01

This sounds awful OP, so sorry it’s happened to you. I’d definitely report to the swim class, and potentially consider the police! He’s going to ‘find your car and hunt you down’?! In all likelihood he’s not going to do anything of the sort, but that’s a horrible threat. How did his partner react?

Nutsabouttopic · 25/01/2023 20:01

Report it to the swimming school and to the police. He threatened you and abused you in front of your child. He should be banned from attending the lessons. What help did he think he was giving his wife by standing at the door. All credit to you for handling it as well as you did. I'm sure that you are very shaken and upset by this excuse of a man. Imagine being his poor wife and having to live with him. Give thanks for your lovely husband and the fact that you don't have to wake up to that yobs head on the pillow beside you every morning

BubbleMachine · 25/01/2023 20:02

My husband said we should report it to the police too. Especially since he threatened us and as we don't know him we don't know how serious a threat it is. Thanks for all your kind words, after a confrontation I always wonder if it was my fault and should I have just shut up. But all I wanted was a bit of privacy to get dressed which I don't think was UR.

OP posts:
GoChasingWaterfalls · 25/01/2023 20:02

Another one saying report to the police and the pool teacher. It's absolutely absurd that he thought he had a right to stand there.

Teafor1please · 25/01/2023 20:02

I would expect him to be banned from the premises, honestly. I am so sorry that happened to you.
I also agree the police.

You did amazingly by the way, and should be very proud of yourself. Imagine being married to that abusive twat!

BogRollBOGOF · 25/01/2023 20:03

Report to the pool and the police. He is identifiable as the swim school will have the family's details. His intimidating behaviour was prolonged.

FlakyCroissant · 25/01/2023 20:03

I would also go to the police and then contact the swim school, explain, and ask that this dad be banned from the venue.

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:03

Why didn't you just go and find a staff member instead of standing arguing?
Then your DH just stood there while the bloke carried on being abusive towards you? Wow.

getreadyy · 25/01/2023 20:04

Report to the police first and then to the swimming teacher.

Eightiesgirl · 25/01/2023 20:05

It was NOT your fault. He is a thug. You did nothing wrong and I, and many others, would have reacted exactly the same as you did. You and your husband kept your cool. This thug was the only person in the wrong.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 25/01/2023 20:05

Oh OP, I’m sorry that happened to you. What an ugly- hearted prick.

I think you should report it to the pool, and the police if you feel up to it. He threatened you, he verbally abused you and he harassed you.

Take care of yourself tonight though, you must be distraught.

Lemonyfuckit · 25/01/2023 20:06

Another one that that absolutely should be reported, he should be banned for that behaviour (and maybe report to police too). Outrageous and I'm so sorry you endured that.

Soontobe60 · 25/01/2023 20:06

I would contact the police now. He has been abusive, aggressive and verging on pervy!

Soontobe60 · 25/01/2023 20:07

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:03

Why didn't you just go and find a staff member instead of standing arguing?
Then your DH just stood there while the bloke carried on being abusive towards you? Wow.

A woman should be safe from violent bullying men - he was at fault, not her!

Whatthejackdawsaw · 25/01/2023 20:07

Im sorry this happened to you. I'd report to the pool and the police due to the threat.
Report to the pool and also ask them to ensure cctv from that date is saved as you intend to take the matter to the police.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 25/01/2023 20:07

How horrible for you Flowers Definitely report him to the swim school and the police. He sounds very aggressive and unpleasant.

Lewiscapaldiscat · 25/01/2023 20:07

That is disgusting behaviour!!!

well done for speaking up!

I echo report report report!!!! That behaviour should not go unchallenged.
they should ban him - wife could still come but not him.
they should have terms and conditions and this behaviour should be in breach

I can’t believe there are people out there like this!!!

JoandLily · 25/01/2023 20:08

What a disgusting man!! Sorry this happened to you OP

UmmmBopDeeDooWhop · 25/01/2023 20:08

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:03

Why didn't you just go and find a staff member instead of standing arguing?
Then your DH just stood there while the bloke carried on being abusive towards you? Wow.

She's already explained why she didn't find a staff member at the time.

Have you ever had anything like this happen to you? You don't always react how you think you are going to react.

Celinia · 25/01/2023 20:08

That’s horrible and you must’ve been terrified?! Please report him to the centre and the police, OP. I hope he gets banned from the centre and gets charged with threatening and abusive behaviour. Imagine his poor wife and child dealing with him.

OoooohMatron · 25/01/2023 20:08

My god OP! You report that scum to the manager and possibly police. So sorry this happened to you.

Greendoor12 · 25/01/2023 20:09

This is awful!!! What a vile bully. I’d be really shaken up. Sending ❤️

GoAGoGo · 25/01/2023 20:09

UmmmBopDeeDooWhop · 25/01/2023 20:08

She's already explained why she didn't find a staff member at the time.

Have you ever had anything like this happen to you? You don't always react how you think you are going to react.

A staff member can always be found, even if it means going to the reception.

UmmmBopDeeDooWhop · 25/01/2023 20:10

A staff member can always be found, even if it means going to the reception.

It's clear you haven't read, or are unable to read, what she has already posted.