DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

You've tried to do it @AnotherAIBU and you can't get a higher paying job (yet) it just isn't happening no matter how hard you try. So tell him to wave a magic wand if he thinks it can somehow miraculously happen when you've already done everything possible and it hasn't yet.

What a twat.

What's more, it's due to him in a way and you following him abroad that you're career suffered. And now he's having a go at you for it.

Obviously he’s the unreasonable one. Completely. How old are the DC? Are they actually young enough that they need dropping off and picking up? If they’re out of primary school that’s not really necessary unless you’re somewhere with no public transport. Don’t make yourself a martyr to stuff like giving lifts. Free up the time to either do something you want to do for yourself or to work more hours if you can find another position. Your DH is an arse, you will have to be the one who works to improve things for yourself, with or without him. That might mean a ‘better’ job, it might mean doing the same job but with less household drudgery. If your DH is in a high earning city type position there’s money to throw at making your life easier. Use it.

This is bullshit. Your husband apparently doesn't know that much about what men think. It's just his perspective that he doesn't get why, how and when. Normal people see and understand these things.

That sounds really hard OP and I sympathise with you. It's very easy for him to look at others and think they have it all (when probably they don't - or they have significant amounts of help). Can I ask how does he convey this to you? Does he directly accuse you? Does he complain at you a lot and expressly these views openly? I just wondered if you are certain he feels this way as he's been open about it and stated it several times - or if you are kind of taking this on yourself when actually he doesn't think that. Just trying to be helpful and think of all perspectives.

Why are you spending your free time applying for a new job OP when you're happy in the one you already have ?

You know yourself that your current role is ideal for the balance you have between work and childcare.

You seem very unhappy and your marriage seems toxic. I hate to advise this because it's a huge step based on a few lines in a thread, but I'd be speaking to a solicitor about separation. Apart from money ( which you'll still get a fair whack of if you divorce) it seems like he brings nothing but negativity and toxicity to your life.

Do it in your timeframe- don't wait for him to instigate it.

Sadly I agree the more you do the less respect you get.
I mean seriously he was away for 3 weeks recently and doesn’t get your role.
The next time he mentions it I would tell him very coldly you want a divorce and mean it, if he backtracks never let him even hint at it in the future and if he doesn’t then divorce him because as sure as eggs are eggs you will never hear the end of it no matter how many times you explain.

I would think this is a very very likely scenario.

Get in front of this now before he starts hiding money.

Get print outs of all accounts you can and his payslips.

Expect someone so despicable to try and screw you financially, given half a chance.

Don't give it to him.

This is me. Apparently, I'm not at his level at work and salary wise, so after 15 years and me WFT doing everything with kids and home, he's buggered off and now spending huge amount of money dating a 30 something women with no kids and makes him feel special.
F**king men and their midlife crisis.

I think he is BU and I'm normally the first to agree that a woman should stick to her career after marriage. But you had little choice due to the nature of his job.

If I were you, I would go to a solicitor and get some advice about what you'd be entitled to if you split up. I know spousal maintenance is rare these days, but I was told I would be entitled to it (and I did have a good job). You'd also do well to get advice about the investments, house and his pension. And start investigating what there is - I agree with pp, he will start hiding it.

Call me cynical but I would be thinking he wants you self sufficient so it costs him less in a divorce. Why now otherwise? Its hardly like you are going to rocket up the career ladder when you are close to 60 no matter how much effort you put in
My DH wanted me to work when we were younger- we worked together and i was the one really who made the money for the company. It was relentless but the business changed so what I did became far less important. I am younger than you and hes delighted with life and there is certainly no pressure for me to get another "career" when between us we have plenty of money. It would be one thing if you needed the money but you don't
I would be doing some digging here

My advice would be first and foremost - to keep your powder dry.
Don't give him a whiff of a hint that you're getting paperwork together or anything like that (even though that is precisely what you're going to be doing).

Unfortunately for you, your husband doesn't attach a monitory value to domestic work and probably grew up in a household where his mother did 90 - 100% of the chores and ran the household.

The less he is aware of in relation to what you're doing during the day will stand to you. Keep doing what you're doing, applying for jobs and doing the job you actually enjoy doing that as you have said will see you to your retirement. Keep bringing the kids to school/after school activities as you have been doing.
Start putting more of your money into your bank account only. Why should you give up 100% of what you're earning into a family savings account or current account when he probably isn't doing the same??? Does he put all of his salary into an account that you can access??

In the meantime, do your homework and get yourself a good solicitor, someone upthread said a Rottweiler. They are the toughest and take absolutely no crap. They will cost a bit but they are generally worth it.

See if you can find somewhere for you to live (if possible in the same town/village that you're currently in and prepare to move there).

On one of the days when he's away and you're working from home, get some estate agents to come around to value your home.

Then land it all on him as a done deal.

Tell him that you're no longer going to be his mother, you were expecting to be his wife and an equal partner in the relationship and that is not what has happened. He hasn't lived up to his part of the deal and you're going to leave him and any further communication is to be done through your solicitor.

That's what I would do.

Funny enough these are some of the things that we warn women about on mumsnet on threads regarding being a SAHM, giving up your career etc.

Is he gonna take on some of the house work/childcare duties to enable you to get a better job?

Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's, and can breastfeed at their desks.*

Well, yes, there are lots of women like this and lots of men too (well, maybe not the breastfeeding!) It is perfectly possible to combine a successful career and effective parenting, but probably not nearly so achievable if you've taken years out of your career to be a trailing spouse and/or if you have a partner who expects you to pick up all the slack at home. He is being a twat!

Have you explained the situation to your husband as you have on here?

He needs to get a bit of perspective (well a lot) - all those jobs you already do are not done magically. Is he prepared to pay for someone else to do them all if/when you get the high flying job?

Do you even want that kind of job?

You are not being lazy at all.

Not only is a he a spiteful, unsupportive cunt, for a ‘top executive’ he sounds thick as shit, if he can’t see why your career has gone the way it’s gone.

Hi OP. YADNBU!

There are a lot of issues with you DH behaviour that PP have addressed.

Your contribution to the household is more than enough but I am wondering about you saying you want to work and you’re not sure what will happen once the kids leave. I just wondered if you thought about suggesting you retrain? Find a career that interests you and get him to facilitate and support you through the training. I’m thinking something like counselling/psychotherapy. Where your life experience is appreciated, you can meet a lot of new people, learn a lot about yourself, and have a part time flexible career at the end of it.

If you were to divorce you may not have the time or finances to do something like retraining. Maybe you can make his focus on this work for you?

Oh, and definitely divorce him

I don't think this is the scenario people warn about - being unmarried in this situation means you're totally screwed.

Being married means the man can't waltz off with everything. If one partner has the opportunity to earn shedloads, but this is incompatible with the other partner working (particularly due to having children) I don't think it's always a bad idea for one partner to take a back seat.

But it should always be recognised within the couple that the unpaid domestic work facilitates the paid work, and income is shared equally.

I would do the second option here. He needs to know what it is that you do and how much time it takes. If his cleaning is crap, you can point this out and can criticise any substandard meals, telling him he needs more practise in cooking and cleaning. I'd make a long list of all the things you do and when/how often you do them and hand it to him. He doesn't get to ignore the tasks he deems unnecessary - you can tell him that he is being very lazy in that case. Also, tell him you'll have the next 20 years of him supporting you and your career.

Stop putting money in the joint savings. Give some cash and any important jewellery or documents to a friend or relative to look after. Take money from the joint account and use it to refresh your professional wardrobe/hair/makeup etc so you are interview ready. Others have suggested refresher training and networking with women's groups and I think this is very good advice. Don't forget to spend some time seeing your friends and having a social life of your own (looking glamorous and going out without him) as he is grinding you down and it will lift your mood.

I'd also consult a SHL as recommended by several here just to be ready in case his behaviour is leading up to something or you simply decide that you've had enough of him.

If he shows signs of not liking the new approach, point out that the alternative is splitting up and getting two places and him having 50/50 on the childcare as you will need to work full-time. The childcare alone will curb his ability to travel for work, plus the loss of a large chunk of his pension and possibly spousal support/relationship generated disadvantage (after all you won't have a high flying job for a good while and will still be earning considerably less than him). You, on the other hand, will have time to invest in your career and won't have to listen to him moaning all the time (make sure you mention this).

Good luck

Op, your dh does not respect you or appreciate your sacrifices . I am annoyed on your behalf. Comparing you to others is out of order. What a prick
If this behaviour is recent and generally out of character, I suspect that there is something going on
I agree with the posters who advise you to get all your ducks in order. Carry on with your job and apply for other jobs
You don’t want to be caught unaware .

I disagree. The man may not be able to waltz off with everything in a divorce but you still set yourself back to a large degree because of your decision to "take the back seat". I don't recommend it to any woman, married or not.

I am a solicitor in my fifties with children at university. I went back within six weeks after each baby. It was possible to have my career because my husband worked from home and my mum when she visited was a great help. We also paid a fortune for a cleaner, a gardener and a nanny.

I know some of those women he talks about. Believe me, up close they don't have it all.

I am tired though - really tired. I recently worked on secondment in a new area and it nearly killed me. You have to look on the ball, energetic and confident while working like a dog. There is no way that I would be starting a high powered career in my fifties and it is absolutely unrealistic to expect it. You just don't have the stamina to work a 15 hour day like a young keen graduate. My husband has some health issues and is retired a bit early. He does a lot of the home stuff and cooking now and that is what enables me to keep going. I don't begrudge supporting him and he supports me.

I'd consult a solicitor to find out what your share is likely to be and I'd start preparing for departure. I do think his head has been turned, maybe not a specific person, but an ideal. I mean if he had any commonsense, he'd know that your career took a knock as a trailing spouse and even now he is going on trips away for weeks on end. There is no suggestion that he is going to take on any of the household management or childcare. How does that work with you supposedly having a high powered career at this late stage?

See how high flying he is when he has to leave the office at 5pm with absolutely no flexibility, has to leave an important meeting to pick up a sick child, has to arrange the three children's needs everyday before he even starts work. Can not travel away, can not work socialise and network, has to ensure bills are paid, food bought, house clean and maintained, available for taking children to activities, sports, parent evenings. Expensive outsourcing only goes so far and if he had these responsibilities he would not be hyflying. You might be, mind.