DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

If that's how you're feeling, I imagine you'd do quite well in the divorce bearing in mind the sacrifice you've made for his career...

Perfect response. Tell him this.

To be clear, following the advice to hide valuables with a friend and not declare them would be criminal, though rarely prosecuted.

he did a bit more childcare overall but Im a single mum now and so clearly didn’t need him that much. I’m just giving my perspective from the “providers” perspective- if there is a lopsided balance of contribution between the partners I think that can cause issues.

Invest in yourself but don't start your new additional job yet. Keep your on-paper earnings low, and use the time (and family money) to work on yourself. Do any courses you want to do, refresh your hair and wardrobe, network, keep fit and think about how you will hit the ground running once you're rid of him.

I suppose he could just be realising that if his wife had a lucrative career he could retire earlier and have a more luxurious lifestyle. But for her to have a lucrative career he would have had to pulled his weight at home and not moved abroad for his work. Which I suspect he realises, hence him telling OP about the (fictitious) super successful women who also cook from scratch and keep organised homes.

100% this. He doesn't value you so ensure you have a back up fund

Sorry OP but he sounds like an arrogant, unreasonable twerp.

You have enabled him to develop his career. You’ve made a lot of sacrifices and he doesn’t recognise it. He has a family and home to come home to but it’s not good enough for him. As a result of your sacrifices, you can’t just walk into a high paying job.

Maybe he’ll have an epiphany and realise your sacrifices but I think more realistically you should work towards your independence.

How fucking dare he 😡
Get your ducks in a row and take the nasty, undermining POS to the cleaners

Price up:

A cleaner

Meals cooked and delivered 5 days a week or personal chef

Breakfast/after school clubs for the kids
Or Child care (before and after school, taking and picking up kids from school)

and give him your calculations and ask if it’s really worth you trying to get a better paid job.

What an absolute fuckwit

Him: please give up your career to help mine and raise my babies
Him: why don't you have a better career! Oh and giving up your career to help mine and raise my babies was entirely your choice
Him: Get your career back, a 20 year CB gap and only being able to work school hours because I'm away for weeks at a time is irrelevant!

Surely he cant actually believe all this.

@AnotherAIBU how are you doing? What are your thoughts now?

YANBU. Why does he want you to get a better job? Are you happy with the way things are? Is he otherwise a kind and supportive person? Hopefully he has just had a lapse of judgement / grip of reality…. Many of us women would have fabulous top jobs if we hadn’t had children and everything that goes with that….

God he is a dickhead. Why can't this presumably intelligent man with the 'big job' acknowledge he had got this far so quickly due to you?

You have taken all childcare and household management /worries off him and he was able to get stellar international experience due to your flexibility.

Everyone I know whose DP has a genuinely big role, particularly with international travel, is a SAHP or has a job that fits around household & /or has a full time nanny (which is circa £30k per year)

He is a twat.

If you’re already preparing for a financial separation you have done it in your head. Get in with it !

or at least sit him down. Tell him you feel this is what he’s working towards & if that’s what he wants, get divorced.

don’t drag it out.

do you love him? Does he love you? Or is it all about convenience for the kids?

He MIGHT say he wants progression for you.
He MIGHT feel guilty about your career suicide!
He MIGHT change his tune when he understands how he’s making you feel!

Apparently, there are loads of women who are top lawyers and bankers who have 3 DC, run an organised house, whilst making meals from scratch, their DC have all A GCSE's

So he'd expect you to do everything whilst working full time in a "top job" but expects to only work and do nothing else himself?

He has zero respect for you and sees you as less important than him.

I bet those "top women" are actually extremely unhappy in themselves and probably hide in the toilets at work to have a secret cry sometimes as their absolutely exhausted.

I bet those "top women" are actually extremely unhappy in themselves

Wow. How lovely.

I am among the cynics who think he's realised it would be cheaper (for him) to divorce if you earned more. And he has probably had his head turned by someone, I'm afraid

You don't have to do anything with this but please consider seeing a solicitor to find out where you stand legally and financially if you were to split;at least if you know you are prepared for the future and having that knowledge is a backup plan along with your secret if i need to leave fund.

You've taken that completely out of context.

In his comments these top career women are also expected to smoothly run a household,provide made from scratch dinners and have their children manage A grades and he's basically implied they do it alone without help from their partners like he doesn't and won't if the OP also worked full time in a "top job".

I pointed out these women are unhappy in themselves as they are most likely exhausted doing it all.

The more likely scenario is more l that the description of the women is pure fiction. Women in top jobs who are earning big money outsource a large portion of the childcare and housework (or they have a DH who stays home and does it).

I was in a similar position a few years ago - I was in my late 40s, three children and with a husband whose career had taken off when I was on mat leave with our first child. Previously I’d earned more than him. He got offered a role in the States so we all went off there for a bit but I couldn’t get a working visa so had to leave my job (by this time I was part time) when we moved.

We came back to the UK, had another child, both my boys were diagnosed with SEN which meant loads of extra appointments, school meetings etc. Then first my mother became very ill then when she died my father needed a lot of extra help plus by this time we’d acquired dogs and a horse. For several years during this period DH was travelling extensively for work - he’d be away for at least three weeks out of four.

Then one day he told me he was tired of earning all the money (I was working part time but it was only enough to pay for extras not essential bills) and that he thought it was time I had a proper job. He’d decided that I needed to be earning at least double what was even remotely possible for the jobs I could look at with my extremely holey CV but reality didn’t seem to come into his thought process. We had several
long discussions about it and gradually he realised that waltzing into a high-powered job was not happening. When our youngest went to secondary school I started applying for jobs related to my original career but it took me a year to find something even though I was massively overqualified for most of the jobs I was applying for. I’ve been at my current place for several years now and it’s fine - very flexible, just about enough interesting aspects to keep me from getting too bored but I’m earning very slightly less than when I gave up my ‘career’ job in 2000 😬.

It doesn’t necessarily mean your DH is planning to divorce you for a younger model - but he does need to see things from your point of view. And if he knows of companies actively hiring women in their mid-50s who’ve had long periods out of the career path but still want to pay them ££££ please could he pass on their details 😉

There was a post a little while ago about SAHM's and I made a few points suggesting what could happen in the future similar to what is happening to you right now
I have both a friend and a family member who found themselves in the same situation
Both parties agreed to them being SAHMs with the male actually being more for it as their mother's did the same
The whole time lording it over the woman that they earn the money and pay the bills. Expecting an immaculate house and dinner on the table when they get home from their very important jobs. Not lifting a finger around the house because they are tired after a long day at work. One of the men I am referring to is actually boastful about the fact that he never changed a single nappy!
Fast forward a few years, all children now settled in school. Woman needs to find a job. One that allows for the long career break and needs to fit around children as very important husband can't possibly do any childcare or housework
Woman ends up up in a part time low paid but hard working job. Husband continues to lord it over them and laugh about how little they earn and of course they are fully responsible for everything else as always as they only work part time
Woman ends up exhausted and resentful but crap pension and ever reliant on husband for money
Man either carries on forever making then feel like a second class citizen or they up and leave for a younger model and try to pay as little as possible in a divorce. Bitter and resentful over their gold digger wife.
My husband earns lots more than I do but appreciates that I work much harder overall. His job pays well but is pretty much stress free. Mine is full on
I also work part time which was a joint decision. I am looking at increasing my hours in the near future as I want to work more and boost my pension and he knows full well that he will need to step up more if I do this. He does do lots though. Its not equal but it's not a bad split currently
We have been together for well over 20 years and at times I've been the high earner. But our finances are joint
I'm not naive enough to know that his opinion may change and I am in a job where I could easily up my hours to full time which would allow me to be financial independent we did split. My pension would also be sufficient to support myself in retirement
Also if we split neither of us would be nicely comfortable. Although I earn a lot less my income is needed and if we were to split we'd both need decent sized homes (4 children) and he would have to juggle his working week around the children