DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

Yes I’ve seen guys at work who’ve been supported by their wives to become senior, run off with ‘corporate women’ at work. I think they want the double high earning lifestyle. It’s bullshit.

Not read the full thread so apologies if I am saying something that has already been said, but as a fellow lawyer, I think he needs to understand that by moving you around from country to country he impeded your ability at career progression. At a very high level City lawyer type level, you might have been able to be transferred to other offices for the same company, but for the majority of us lawyers, law qualifications don't travel well. Countries have their own legal systems and depending on which country you moved to, you would have had to retrain to have your qualifications recognised in those countries and be able to practice there, which was never going to be realistic with three young kids in tow.

He needs to recognise that in following you around and taking primary responsibility for the kids, you effectively sacrificed the career progression that you would have otherwise had if you had stayed in this country. Depending on which area of law you are in, it would then be very difficult to get back in at anything other than entry level after years away because the law itself would have moved on so much.

You are not being unreasonable at all. He wants the perks of a housewife with the financial benefits and prestige of a high flying wife that he can boast about at work. It doesn't work like that in reality though!

I think the only way you would be able to achieve what he wanted would be by outsourcing a lot of your housework (laundry etc), childminder for after school etc. But that should be a joint decision rather than something he pushes you into.

The "have it all" women in reality rarely do. They have amazing careers and also have nannies who ferry the kids around to school and swimming/ballet/karate etc and the Mums spend a lot less time with their kids than you do. If that's not what has been agreed between you then he shouldn't try to move the goalposts now imho as to how much time you spend with them and how hands on you are

Good luck with it all. I hope he starts seeing sense.

If it were me, I’d say I’ve seen this job I want to go for, it entails this, this and this (eg working 12 hours days once a week, going away 1 week a month) bso I’ve worked out how we’ll have to divvy up the jobs. You’ll have to cover this, this , this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this and this. And don’t forget I’ll be away one week every month, with no notice so you’ll have to drop everything else and sort the kids out that week. Oh and they expect a different, home cooked meal, made from scratch, every night. Obviously I have a lot of training to do too, so I’ll be away for two or three weeks as soon as I start.

He's being a dick but equally it seems like your relationship is really not going well - and you are already half planning to leave him. It seems to me like that is the issue you need to address - or not, if you feel the relationship is not salvageable.

As for these superwomen he hears about, I can guarantee there are nannies etc involved!

I agree. Bluffing is not a good plan.

I would challenge him with whether he considers he would have been able to get to where he has without you. Presumably if you were to pursue this ‘top job’, he wouldn’t suddenly take on all the roles and responsibilities you’re currently carrying?! Success isn’t necessarily a so called high flying job title and large income. What about all the precious time you’ve invested in your 3 DC and your huge contribution to their wellbeing and upbringing. Going to work is the easy option in my experience!

He is a knob - stick to your guns you are doing More than enough - I’d get a cleaner and dog walker too if I was you !

You would be fine on divorce. Likely half the assets. If you ever want a good, lovely and excellent London lawyer who got me through it DM me. I did a law degree so knew to do my homework on that.
Writing this just in case….

Absolute tosh! Any successful female lawyers / bankers are heavily reliant on paid for help! Nannies, cleaners, gardeners, housekeepers etc.

Your husband is deluded and clearly doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you have made. He wouldn't have been able to have the career he has enjoyed without your support at home - something that is readily recognised by the court in divorce cases!

@AnotherAIBU OP your post is literally like it’s my friend talking. This was literally what my friends husband said to her. She spent 15 years being a SAHM to the children while he built his career.

then he left her and met a high performing VP. She was lucky that she did get good legal advice and got a really good payout as her career was hindered becasue she stayed at home while he thrived.

I would definitely get legal advice and also wonder if he’s hiding any of his money anywhere.

really hope this doesn’t happen but for him to be looking at other women and degrading you it sounds like it could go that way.

sorry 💐

I wouldn’t bluff but a residential returner type course would definitely give the Op some space and him chance to experience family life for a week. Usually in a nice hotel and probably good for op’s self esteem to connect with people and see her skills are valuable.
No prep, batch cooking, no writing instructions.
Just set off like he does for a business trip. Kids told to ask dad you can’t be disturbed.
Time to focus on what’s best for you.

Your post has boiled my piss!
Your DH needs a rotten haddock in the face, a reality check and/or a divorce!
What an ungrateful specimen!

How would he feel if you starting comparing him to the men at your work? He sounds very self centred and uncaring.

You only get one life. It might be time to stop trying to please him(doesn’t sound like it is working anyway) and start living your life how you want to. Do you want to change your job? Do you want to batch cook?

He is being unreasonable, you had to follow him for all his jobs, then you both chose to have kids, and there is nothing wrong with looking after your children and all the other family jobs that need done. How does he expect you to walk into some high powered job if you have not done something like that for years. You were doing an important job taking care of your home and DC you just did not get paid for it. YANBU.

I’m in a similar situation (as are the majority of women) in that my career stalled with children whilst his is now very good because he was enabled by me doing the majority of the domestic stuff. I’m actually retraining in something totally different where I’ll be self employed from the start, so any CV snobbery won’t be an issue. Anyway that’s an aside.

If my husband was to have the attitude of yours I’d be doing exactly half of what I’m doing now, and he’d have to either employ someone to do his half or find a way to reduce his hours. It’d be a very short sharp shock and delivered with huge anger from me too.

Your husband needs a bloody big lesson, I’d go on ruddy strike.

Exactly this

Your DH has seen women doing the same job as him and participating in all the home stuff more than him. And instead of thinking 'I could do that' and coming home and doing some house work, he chose to think 'my wife should do that' and came home and got annoyed you don't have a better job.

He's a sexist mysoginistic prick unfortunately

i was in this position where I felt I had to get a better job while looking after child and house. Husband worked abroad and felt money in the bank was classed as his as “he worked so hard” for it. I took it for a while before he really pissed me off and I made sure I had as much money in my name as his because as well as everything else I dealt with the finances. Do yourself a favour and make sure you’ll always be financially ok because you deserve it. The hardest thing in life is bringing up your children to be able to cope with life as an adult and giving your family and yourself the best life you can .

Assume some responsibility for your own decisions. Stop blaming men. Did he force you?

He should be bloody grateful that you have sacrificed your best chance at a top job, accepted the situation and raised your children and ran his home. You don’t appear to have money worries so why isn’t he happy that you are happy doing the job you are doing which is enabling him to do what he is doing?

Your husband is an arsehole, not helpful I know but quite honestly who does he think he is criticizing the mother of his kids. He was happy when you were doing all the leg work with the kids which left him free to build his career I bet.

"I forgot to mention also that he travels a lot. For example, in Dec he was away for 3 weeks."
And let me guess - the responsibility of researching/sourcing childcare will fall to...?

He sounds deluded and unrealistic, I agree with the PP who suggested going away and leaving him to it for a week or so. Also stop batch cooking etc (too busy job hunting/going to interviews) and he can cook from scratch like those wonderful colleagues of his when he gets home.

First of all, tell him he is a selfish prick.
Then get him to read the book ‘Invisible Women’.
Then, if he still behaves like a selfish prick, go on strike from your usual duties for a month and tell him he is replacing you.
If he STILL behaves like a selfish prick, leave him.
He obviously has no clue whatsoever what you have given up and how his career growth has negatively impacted yours. If he refuses to understand that, he isn’t a nice human being.

OP this isn’t even close to you being unreasonable at all. It’s absolute bull* that you can be a top lawyer and be present for your kids. You have to have (lots) of help. And those people will not have been a trailing spouse. You’ve supported his career for years. If you want to progress in yours (and only if you want to), tell him that it’s time for him to adjust his working life to do all the stuff you’ve been doing so you can focus on work.

Is there some behind this? Has he run up debts you don’t know about? Is he feeling unhappy in your marriage and wanting you to change in some way? If you are genuinely financially secure then it’s at best odd and at worst awful.

OP obvs he is BU to expect you to magic up a top job out of nowhere but I think he knows that perfectly well. So you aren’t going to solve this by explaining to him why that’s unrealistic.

What I haven’t seen in your posts is WHY he wants you to get a better job. It doesn’t sound like it’s for the money, which in some ways would be more reassuring.

My mind went straight to who he has been spending time with lately. Sometimes when a man meets a woman at work who is opinionated and well informed and well connected about finance and politics and arts or whatever, it all seems very exciting and novel compared to the discussions they have at home with their wife about emptying the bins and what the in-laws rang to say. He feels resentful at his wife for not having all these things to talk about and then feels
guilty about feeling resentful, because he knows full well that his wife has given up a lot and kept the show on the road. From
here it can go anywhere - affairs “my wife doesn’t understand me any more” “we’ve grown apart”, divorce or sometimes nowhere at all.

I think you need to have a conversation about what’s really behind his wanting you to get a better job. You can then decide what you want to do about it. Which might or might not be LTB but at least you have the full facts and you’re not trying to solve the wrong problem.