DH stressing me out over getting a better job. AIBU or him, or both?

[AnotherAIBU]

I am mid 50's. I met DH at Uni on the same course. We both graduated and had half-decent graduate jobs. I earned more money than him and I also volunteered for voluntary redundancy at my place of work which enabled me to put a deposit down on a house which tripled in value. My DH was then offered a job abroad and I followed him. I did work, but as the trailing spouse, my career did not take off like his, but I did have good jobs. We moved to 4 different counties with his job. Somewhere in the middle of this, I had 3 DC and looked after them.

Fast forward to today and we are back in the UK. I found it really difficult to find work. In the end, I had to volunteer for a year, just to get a reference, to get a job. I have been working in my current place for 4 years. I enjoy it, but it is a basic job. I work PT and I do all the drop-offs, pickups, cooking, cleaning, dogs and all the other things that come with having 3 DC non-Uni age.

My DH has a very senior job in a top company, think city of London Finance type role. We have no debts and he has a very good salary.

DH seems very disappointed that I am not working as a top solicitor in a Law firm or something similar and is complaing at me to get a better job. I am trying to get a better job, but just got flat rejections. I just feel really stressed out now, and have been crying. I do everything in this house and with the DC, and work 25 hours a week. It's just not a "top job", it's a local job. He doesn't see that I didnt live here for 20 years, and have big gaps on my CV e.g. one move the govt. refused trailing spouse visas as it was just after the financial crash and there was a lot of local unemplyment.

Who is BU here?

Well, clearly it's your fault op according to some posters that you didn't look into your crystal ball and know this would be how things would have turned out with him and chosen someone else to marry 🙄

Marriage is a partnership. You both do your bit to make it a happy life together, with children if that's what you want.
I take it he didn't word it clumsily and mean he felt you are worth much more and he is frustrated for you that you aren't paid what you are worth?

He is disregarding all you have done, and the sacrifices you have made over the years whilst he got to rise up the ladder.

I think if he really feels you should be earning more, then he needs to allow you the time to retrain and work your way up whilst he runs the home. How many years did you follow him? It might take you a bit longer to get to the same point though so I hope he's prepared for that.

What a dick.. he enjoys all the benefits of you giving up a career to follow him but when it’s the negatives, ‘it was your choice, you didn’t have to etc etc’

Urgh men like this make me sick. This grabbiness is so off putting. He had the benefit of you being around to support him to have a family and reach a senior point in his career but now he wants to work you even harder so he can milk you for what your worth.

Do it for yourself and put the extra money away OP. Fuck him.

Fuck him because he’s not on your side. Tell him you will level up your wage when he starts doing 50/50 of all the domestic and childcare bs that needs doing.

Stop putting your income into the joint account for a start. You might need it for a deposit on a rental if you decide to leave (or if he wanders off with one of the high flying women at work)
Get all of your paperwork together and see a solicitor. Present him with exactly how much he stands to lose if he doesn't shut up about your job.

I’d be keeping more of your salary back for a start. DH earns much more than me and does many more hours so I pick up the slack with home and kids and only work part time on pretty rubbish money-but I keep what I earn. Have also been a trailing spouse. DH laughs that what’s his is ours and what’s mine is my own.

What I would do is

• Research and go and see a good career coach. You also might find careershifters useful. It needs creative thinking and that's hard on your own. You want to have something lined up in a split.
• Pull all your joint financial info.
• Go see a solicitor and see what you'd get in a divorce - it should be perfectly good.
• Decide when you might want to separate and make a plan.
• Don't tell him anything about it till you are ready to do it - you don't want him to start hiding money.

He's being totally unreasonable. You made a joint decision on how to run your family. The mere fact he is being so irrational would indicate he is mentally leaving the marriage and justifying that to himself. That seems OK in that you don't sound like you really want to be in it anymore either.

Don't let him batter you down, it's a classic technique for making you feel bad about yourself so you accept some shitty deal.

You upheld your side of the marriage, so take control of the situation, hold your head up high and think about what you want to do with the next stage of your life. You probably will want to earn more but you want to approach that positively.

It doesn’t sound like your marriage is in a great place. Do you think he wants you to earn more to bolster the family income - funding 3 children through university and then supporting them for masters, flat deposits etc. will swallow a lot of money in the run up to retirement. Is he tired and stressed or suffer ill health and want to wind down or plan his retirement? If neither of these apply, then I think he is planning to start again with a woman in her late 30s / early 40s and wants to reduce spousal maintenance etc. if the latter, could you play along by upgrading your personal grooming, clothes allowance ‘so you are ready for a more senior role’- dress for the role you want. Book some professional training courses. Get a cleaner. If you split, you will have built up your lifestyle so have more wiggle room in negotiating finances. Meanwhile seek legal advice on what will happen if you split.

You need to prepare for the big reveal of an affair - you can bet she's never so much as changed a nappy. Keep your money in your bank account - you may need it for a start up business.

The cheek of saying A* at GCSEs.

You should leave him.

Yet.

I’m fuming for you op. It’s hard but interesting being a trailing spouse having done it myself. What an arse he is. When he says you chose to follow him, I would be wanting to throw a comeback. Eg Would you rather we had divorced and that x and y child didn’t exist? Or I made a poor decision then, didn’t I? Look him straight in the eye so that he understands you mean staying married to him.

But above all else, I would be looking into divorce and getting the maximum you can out of him. 50/50 is a starting point. But with his earning potential and childcare / taxi service etc you provide, you should get more.

Jesus. Your choice could now be to study for a better job in your non work time and let him deal with kids, home etc. If it's easy to have a high flying job and kids like his high flying female colleagues, surely HE can cope, right?

**I say this to point out how unrealistic he's being. Not an actual suggestion, as there's the danger he would basically just neglect the kids and not care (men seem to be more prone to this) and presumably you don't want to risk that.

Quite. Would he rather she had chosen not to follow him and returned to the U.K. with the kids? Or he stuck to U.K. employment?

Hi, I really feel for situation and have met a few women in your position at work who have returned to work via Returners programme. Please take a look as their are a range of jobs specifically for women like yourself who worked in a recognized profession previously who have taken a career break.

Glad you are beginning to look after yourself financially, OP. The asymmetrical cost of following a spouse and caring for children is frequently unrecognized by the soups (generally the husband) not paying it. But yours seems particularly vicious.

While you are planning I just want to mention that:
I save all my money, I don't buy anything and I have begun to sell things I don't need to go into my savings account. I am trying my best to lay down a buffer for the future.
May not be your best tactic. Your savings accounts, pension etc. will all go into the pot if you divorce and be totted up as part of the assets to split.

If there is a way to invest in yourself instead - training courses, experience, setting up a business that may not be worth much but provides intangible contacts you could later use, etc. - that would give you more of the assets he has gained from years of working while you facilitated him. Assets which are far harder to quantify and are often more overlooked in a divorce settlement.

OP, as others have said, you are VERY much NOT being unreasonable.

I'm sorry that you're being made to feel not-good about yourself. This is not a reflection of reality.

Sorry if anyone's already asked this (probably), but I can't see an answer - why does he say he wants you to get a more highly-paid/prestigious job? Does he explicitly say his motivation is financial (interesting, when, as you say, you have no debts and he has a good salary)? Or that he wants your social status in this specific realm to elevate? Or does he try to say it's about your happiness/fulfillment?

I am probably one of those high flyers your husband admires so much, though am too old to be of romantic interest. However I have achieved the career/house/kids exactly because I have a DH who has always been 50:50 and who has made as many sacrifices for me as I have for him.

He’s been very unfair OP.

I’ve seen this before sadly and think some men downgrade the effort in being a SAHP once the kids hit the teens and it all seems tremendous fun compared to dealing with 3 under 10s - this is when they went to be as far removed as possible.

OP has said she likes her job and can see herself doing it to retirement. Therefore whilst O agree there are some great programs out there for people returning to work, I don't think that's what she should be doing unless she wants to.

In the short term current job plus maintenance should be enough. I'd not be increasing salary and stress just now when it's unlikely to be the magic panacea that turns the H into a functional human again.

I’m being cynical but I see I’m not the first person on the thread to be cynical. I’d be worried that he’s had his head turned but has realised how much it would cost him if he ran off with someone else.

Unfortunately it’s most likely scenario.

Hi Mum is that you? 😂

kidding. This exact same thing happened to mum.

she earned more than dad. They moved within the UK for HIS job and then they had me. 3 more after.

they BOTH agreed she would be a SAHM. Turns out one of my sublings had additional needs, so she was needed for so many appointments, extra emotional work, extra labor etc.

She worked part time term time plus dealt with 4 kids, house, dog, elderly parents, kin keeping, etc etc.

then when she hit 50 my dad said she needed to earn more!!!!

now I love my dad dearly. But this was a fucking joke. And as a righteous teenager who had read too many feminist books I told him so! Relentlessly. He gave up 🤣

they just DONT get it.

OP, if he mentions it again tell him to fuck off or he can mourn 50% or more of his money in a divorce.

FFS!

He's being hugely unreasonable

How does he think you'll get a better job?

When you've given up your career to follow him round the world
When he's away how does he expect you to do the same when you have dc
How does he think the children will get to school/clubs/homework etc when you are both at work or working away
Who will stay at home with the dc when they are ill
Will he give up his job to support you, as you did him

All these questions, and more will need to be answered. He also needs to understand that he's had at least several years headstart on you.

How much was he earning when he first started work after uni, because regardless of age, this is where you are now

I feel for you OP.You sound a lovely caring soul ,who has sacrificed a good Career and Education to support your DH and DC. Now he sees you as an inferior to him! Bloody cheek .As you say sort out finances ,and if you were to divorce then you will be OK .Some men just expect their wives to "Pop" in and out of the situation to serve them! Do these people BF at their desks have any clients to see FFS!

This is very likely it. He has already decided on a divorce and wants her to get a higher paying job to reduce the financial cost to himself. He’s pushing more and more because he’s getting impatient.

OP, you should definitely get legal advice so you know what to expect but I wouldn’t instigate anything. If he does want a divorce make him do it. If you’re happy with your current job then stick with it. He knows that you’re in a good position right now when it comes to divorce. Stay in that position.

I find picking a tiny pink sparkly one is good, no threat to DH’s ‘big organ’.

Dh knows several of this type at his road cycling club. 50 something high flyers with teens ditch wife no 1 for a younger model but then…she wants kids! So they are back to sleepless nights and soft play and boy do they moan - though Dh has zero sympathy.