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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:48

Oh and the reason I feel used about the lifts is that there are other people he could ask but he doesn’t. Plus they get disability living allowance for taxis so they do get that extra help.

OP posts:
HallwayDoor · 25/01/2023 00:51

Oh wow, I was going no to say don’t let him stay until the back story and then it’s a hard no. He has a girlfriend? She can empty him a commode if need be if she can’t have him come and stay.

Sounds like the friendship is over now.

UmbilicusProfundus · 25/01/2023 00:51

This doesn’t even sound like a dilemma to me. Just say no. It’s clearly an unreasonable request. You might have considered for a close friend, but he doesn’t even sound like any kind of friend at all.

NewBootsAndRanty · 25/01/2023 00:51

YANBU

PersonaNonGarter · 25/01/2023 00:51

You must have quite low self esteem to be even contemplating this. You are worth so much more. Say No and block them. You will feel much better.

RunyoucleverDoctor · 25/01/2023 00:51

I wouldn't let him stay. Yanbu.

FlappyFish · 25/01/2023 00:51

Oh hell no. Easy answer.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 25/01/2023 00:52

DEFINITELY don't let him stay!! Wtaf, no - they're users and if he's got torn muscles sleeping on a sofa will be no good for him. They need to find another way.

blindfate · 25/01/2023 00:52

No, no, no, no, and then no some more. Set your boundaries - it sounds like this person has been walking all over you. You don't need 'friends' like him.

SpacePotato · 25/01/2023 00:56

Nope.
You message back, "sorry that doesn't work for me" then block the cheeky fucker.

He can get a commode. His partner can look after him.

Becclescake · 25/01/2023 00:57

Absolutely no way.

Stopthebusplease · 25/01/2023 00:58

Agree with everyone else, and would have said no before I got half way through your post. You don't want this guy there, it would be a big inconvenience for you. That is quite enough reason to say NO! Having then read the rest, it just confirms my original thoughts, you're being used as you've worked out, so why open yourself up for more of this, and how on earth would you feel if you put yourself to all the trouble of having him to stay, and then he badmouths you afterwards. The answer is a simple 'no, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for us', on repeat if necessary. Stop being a doormat, OP, it will always make you feel used.

StClare101 · 25/01/2023 00:58

Forget about letting him stay. Surely the better question is why are you still friends?

Say no. Then ghost him.

SpookyBlackCat · 25/01/2023 01:00

There’s no way I’d let anyone sleep on my couch for 3/4 weeks!! Even if I liked them.

Just say no.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 25/01/2023 01:02

Absolutely no and he is not your friend either! Friends don’t treat each other like that. Just grey rock him until he fades from your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2023 01:06

A serious question... Why have you been such a doormat? This twat of a man has never been your friend, yet you really have to ask if you're being unreasonable for not wanting to deal with him in your home? This is almost impossible to comprehend.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/01/2023 01:06

He has a partner, they can look after him

i would also start to move away from him as a friend

BreadInCaptivity · 25/01/2023 01:08

I'm unsure why you describe this person as a friend.

From what you've posted it doesn't sound like you get very much friendship out of this relationship.

You say you feel used.

Well that's not a surprise, because you are being used.

You can't change this person but you can change yourself and that starts by being honest about why you let people take advantage of you.

Do you get a kick about being needed? Are you scared of confrontation and saying no? Are you afraid of people thinking poorly of you, even if it's not deserved?

It sounds to me like you need to worry less about what other people think of you and focus on your own moral compass by rationing your help/support/time for people who are appreciative of it rather than "friends" who treat you like a servant who does their bidding and manipulates your kindness to their advantage without any reciprocation.

This friend has a partner and they should be their first point of support, not you.

Boundaries - you really need establish some....

Original poster
Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 01:09

Thank you for all your replies. I do have low self esteem and a difficult family background so I can go too deep in with friendships. This guy said he was my family and that he’d always be there for me. So I feel like I’m ditching a family member.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 25/01/2023 01:14

To add for perspective, my lounge is where I relax after work. Where I entertain friends.

I wouldn't want someone using my couch as a bed for a month (a night fine, in extremis), sweating all over it.

It's not another persons bedroom. It's not "available" space. It's used on a daily basis by me and DH.

Cornchip · 25/01/2023 01:19

Honestly, tell the big baby “no”.

He can cope, he just prefers to be centre of attention and everyone running around after him.

I’d stop the trips in the car and the favours as well. He isn’t a friend, but a user.

BreadInCaptivity · 25/01/2023 01:22

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 01:09

Thank you for all your replies. I do have low self esteem and a difficult family background so I can go too deep in with friendships. This guy said he was my family and that he’d always be there for me. So I feel like I’m ditching a family member.

How exactly has he been there for you?

Name one meaningful thing he's done to put himself out for you.....

Bet you can't.

Tbh your self esteem will improve massively when you stop letting people take advantage of you.

You help people like him to feel better, then realise you've been used and feel worse.

It's a self fulfilling cycle. Break it.

Try focusing on yourself for a change. Focus on your professional qualifications. Get a kick out of doing well for yourself and stop needing to be validated by doing "good deeds" being a mug.

Fraaahnces · 25/01/2023 01:23

”No. You are only polite to me when you need my services. You only contact me when you want something. Apart from that you are rude and downright cruel. Go and invade the boundaries of someone you respect instead.”

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/01/2023 01:31

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 01:09

Thank you for all your replies. I do have low self esteem and a difficult family background so I can go too deep in with friendships. This guy said he was my family and that he’d always be there for me. So I feel like I’m ditching a family member.

Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true.

He's a bit like a family member. You know that arsehole uncle who always turns up, drinks all the booze, eats all the food and never hosts back. I wouldn't have him on my sofa for a month either.

No. Just No.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 01:34

Thank you so much for the replies. You have all really helped me to see straight. I felt so under pressure as they kind of portray themselves as really unfortunate people so I feel terrible saying no. Our sofa would be a terrible choice plus really inconvenient for us all. He does have a family that he doesn’t get on with and his girlfriend’s family that they do get on with. Hopefully they can help. I’ll definitely try and remember boundaries and to try and get validation from myself and not others xxx

OP posts:
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