Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
Ottil · 25/01/2023 01:37

UmbilicusProfundus · 25/01/2023 00:51

This doesn’t even sound like a dilemma to me. Just say no. It’s clearly an unreasonable request. You might have considered for a close friend, but he doesn’t even sound like any kind of friend at all.

This. He's not 'family.' He's using you. Plus, he sounds like an absolute twat.

Set your boundaries now, stick with them, don't be gaslit here.

imSatanhonest · 25/01/2023 01:38

A simple 'no' will suffice in this instance. He isn't a friend. If he texted you this dilemma I wouldn't even respond if I were you. He's just ignored your messages for 2 months so do the same back.

LucyFox · 25/01/2023 01:40

NO! Sleeping on the sofa won’t be good for their ankle & therefore within a day or two you will be on the sofa & they’ll have your bed, want drinks/meals handed to them as they can’t possibly carry them … they will need to make other arrangements

echt · 25/01/2023 01:40

When you turn him down, keep it about your circumstances, not his: Sorry, but we're not able to have you stay.

Don't explain about your jobs, etc.

Then block the user.

BreadInCaptivity · 25/01/2023 01:43

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 01:34

Thank you so much for the replies. You have all really helped me to see straight. I felt so under pressure as they kind of portray themselves as really unfortunate people so I feel terrible saying no. Our sofa would be a terrible choice plus really inconvenient for us all. He does have a family that he doesn’t get on with and his girlfriend’s family that they do get on with. Hopefully they can help. I’ll definitely try and remember boundaries and to try and get validation from myself and not others xxx

Great Flowers

StarsSand · 25/01/2023 01:43

Tell him it won't work.

It will feel amazing to set some boundaries and stand up for yourself

RememberNancyDrew · 25/01/2023 02:01

People will take you as far as you let them.

Gymnopedie · 25/01/2023 02:06

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

And what's the betting it would be the gf too before long. Who would leave any any looking after him to you while you ran yourself ragged.

but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

Tell him you aren't going to accommodate this. And then block. You KNOW he's a user, you just need the strength to say no because of how you are with people. Block him (and her if she tries to ring) and do your very best to give zero fucks about what they might say about you.

This guy said he was my family and that he’d always be there for me.

But he wasn't, was he? When his friend insulted you he refused to support you and said you were too sensitive. What he actually meant was he'll be there whenever you can do something for him but anything else and you're on our own. That's not 'family'.

Original poster
Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 02:08

I wish I had the time to personally respond to every message. I think the responses have been fantastic; I’ve had counselling, tough love, funny jokes and wise sayings! Love this community, it’s been so valuable to me. Thank you xxx

OP posts:
HamBone · 25/01/2023 02:14

imSatanhonest · 25/01/2023 01:38

A simple 'no' will suffice in this instance. He isn't a friend. If he texted you this dilemma I wouldn't even respond if I were you. He's just ignored your messages for 2 months so do the same back.

I generally don't ignore messages, but given that he's ignored yours for two months, I agree with @imSatanhonest and ignore this one! He's not your friend, he's a user.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/01/2023 02:30

So his own family are sick of his using and his GF's family are probably the same as he (and she) is so see no issue with using people.....what a surprise.

Hard No on this and every other request.

"Family" who will always be there for you would not ignore your upset at what their twat of a friend said.

You are useful to them, thats all. When you are not useful they dont want to know you. Sorry to be harsh but thats the truth.

I would reply with "Cant stay with us, sorry. Bet you wouldnt have asked if we had got on with getting ourselves some ankle biters like your other friend suggested though would you?! haha!!" Then block.

deeperthanallroses · 25/01/2023 02:52

‘Our sofa isn’t an option, we have too much on but in any case I think you need to ask someone you haven’t ignored for a couple of months because I dared be upset your friend was extremely rude to me.’

pelargoniums · 25/01/2023 03:11

Tell him to jog on. Well, hop.

NessieMcNessface · 25/01/2023 03:13

Don’t even think about letting this awful person into your home! Some great advice on here as always; please follow it!

WiddlinDiddlin · 25/01/2023 03:32

'No, that doesn't work for me/us - we/I have gone out of our way for you in the past and that courtesy doesn't appear to work both ways. This would cause us a lot of stress when you do have alternative options. Suggest you buy a commode from Amazon and your partner can aid you with that and anything else you need.'

You'll probably get backlash and further rudery, which you can then cite as another reason why you don't want to be subjected to him solidly for 3/4 weeks (how many appointments can he have, surely once dealt with its simply a matter of time!)

Dentistlakes · 25/01/2023 04:28

Absolutely no! Even if he was the best friend in the world (and he sounds awful), it simply wouldn’t work. Don’t contemplate it one second longer. Also, whilst you’re at it, I would be reassessing my friendship with this person entirely. It doesn’t sound like a positive one for you at all.

MichelleScarn · 25/01/2023 04:32

I'd just ignore and block, don't enter into dialogue and DONT OPEN THE DOOR to him or his gf, or next thing you know they'll be in your home, ensconced in your bedroom as 'you know how much he needs this help'.....

Tamarindtree · 25/01/2023 04:38

When I was reading it I didn’t think it was fair to you but I did sympathise that his injuries would make it difficult for him and then I read he has a girlfriend!

How preposterous to even suggest he flop on your sofa. He will have the heating on all day, your tv on and probably make a mess that he will claim he can’t clear up.

He sounds utterly ghastly and a piss taker.

He is a user and not even pleasant about it.

I would drop him like a hot potato.

Nimbostratus100 · 25/01/2023 04:44

having managed stairs very easily with two broken ankles, just tell him to go up forwards on his hands and knees, and to go down backwards on his hands and knees.

stairs are easier than crossing flat floor, with broken ankles

sunnydayhereandnow · 25/01/2023 04:48

Yanbu. Even without the backstory, barring the direst emergencies (or hosting that you choose) it’s not realistic to host guests on a sofa in a common space for more than a couple of nights. It’s a real inconvenience for everyone else in the house.

ComfortablyDazed · 25/01/2023 05:01

Say no, and take great pleasure in it.

If you lose his friendship, so much the better.

daisychain01 · 25/01/2023 05:10

He's using emotional blackmail telling you he's your family. No he isn't, he's delusional.

Dont explain, don't complain approach on this one, he doesn't warrant any explanation as to why he can't sleep on your sofa.

No is a complete sentence should do it.

barmycatmum · 25/01/2023 05:12

It’s ok to say no. You don’t even need all these reasons. No is a full answer, and you’re allowed to have limits!

Wiglio · 25/01/2023 05:13

@BreadInCaptivity has a good point OP, just think of the state of your sofa after he has slept on it for a month, eeww

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 25/01/2023 05:19

‘I simply cannot accommodate you on this, I hope you find a solution’ (that doesn’t include me).