Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

[Feliciacat]

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

No. His partner can absolutely take care of him and ask around her own friends!!

Thanks for the advice. He says it’s the fact he’s come off antidepressants recently that means he’s less resilient; not that I’ve done anything wrong. He’s also sad about stuff at work too. I think it might be bad timing that I did this now. I didn’t know that at the time; he was happy yesterday.

I think it’s such a weird friendship group that I don’t care what repercussions there are towards be honest. There are three people who I know separately from the group who I want to stay in touch with but the rest; good riddance. I’m a little concerned that my partner isn’t saying it’s a positive for me to stand up for myself but he is in a bad place so…

Sadly sometimes people we think are genuine friends are not. With the passage of time this couple and the whole situation will be less important and less hurtful than it is now. They have so many problems to sort through and their problems are no longer yours anymore. Try to put them out of your mind.

Wise advice Ally. Thank you.

I’m sorry I’ve not really replied personally to anyone; it was a pretty well responded to thread so it would have taken a long time. I have read and appreciated every single post though. I thank you all for coming with me on what was a hard journey. It has felt like having friends with me! You definitely treat me better than some people (aka the ones I’ve been talking about). It’s actually helped my self worth just from having this thread! Magic result xx

I think you've done the right thing by ditching the WhatsApp group. These people were dragging you down and now they can't.
Onwards and upwards!

Plenty of people suffer with depression and dont use people like personal servants.

Nothing wrong with asking for help, but these two appear to demand it under the guise of asking for help, and act like a victim when people dont give in.

Maintain those boundaries OP and dont feel bad for sticking for yourself. You deserve better than such users.

Thank you so much. I woke up in the night worrying that I was toxic because I’d ghosted them. Ghosting is toxic and one should talk to people before doing it. Based on how the conversation went in December though; I have no faith they’d listen to me. I’m certain I’d get a dressing down by them both. They honestly seem to demand submission or nothing.

It was easier to ghost and there are only three mutual friends we actually have (the other people in the group were their friends) so it won’t make life hard. I am concerned that if I see them at parties maybe they’ll tell me off. I also don’t want people to feel like they can’t invite them if I’m there. So this decision is not without problems.

The girlfriend has also spoken about a girl who ghosted her a few years ago for years since. It’s almost certain that she’ll talk about me for years too. I feel this is her problem though. The lack of resilience is terrible; I’ve been ghosted once and I used it to make changes to myself and my life! I hope these people can do the same. I guess their mental health isn’t my responsibility but I do feel mean.

Who says ghosting is toxic?
In these circumstances, that's like saying "avoiding muggers is toxic".

You just have a bit of habitual over-thinking about these chancers going on - it will fade as your time & distance from them increases.

Your partner hasn't helped you with this btw - his response to your entirely valid decision to dump this pair has been downright weird.
Does he usually make everything about himself like this? He sounded really hard work about it - please remember that telling him to buck the fuck up is a valid response to his whinging on about ... whateverthefuck he reckoned his problem was with you expunging these idiots from your life.

My partner just got home and he says he is stressed with processing it all. He says he doesn’t disagree with what I did but that he’s processing it.
What's going on is his overwhelming need to make himself central to your independent decision to dump your 'friends'.
He has deliberately made you doubt yourself, in order to have you focusing on him & his opinions, his feelings. It's a form of negging. How dare he have such lack of respect for your valid decision?

He says he needs to have a one on one chat with this guy as he thinks ‘this is symptomatic of anger issues’. I wonder if something’s been said after I’ve gone. I asked if it was me or them with the anger issues and he said mostly them. I’m not sure what’s going on.
See?
Negging, pure & simple.
He's trying to put you in the same bracket as these wasters.
He's also invalidating your actions by inserting himself back into the couple's lives with his "one on one chat" bollcoks. Who does he think he is? Why does he need to shitstir that hornets' next?

Thanks for the advice. He says it’s the fact he’s come off antidepressants recently that means he’s less resilient; not that I’ve done anything wrong. He’s also sad about stuff at work too. I think it might be bad timing that I did this now. I didn’t know that at the time; he was happy yesterday.
Why in the name of holy fuck should you have to consider "timing" your independent decision to withdraw from that couple around your partner's moods?
He's centering himself at your expense again.
You thought he was happy yesterday because he WAS happy yesterday. He's concocted this resilience bullshit out of thin air, to retrospectively control you with & make you feel bad for dumping the twats.
Why would he want you to feel bad, to lose confidence in your decisions?
If he bleats on about it again tell him to stop with the manipulative bullshit.
And watch him for this pattern in future - he sounds, at minimum, draining.

Ha ha. You’ve done a blinder on these leeches. Well done. Give yourself a massive pat on the back. Absolutely don’t let yourself be dragged into this. Perhaps ask your partner to give himself say 6 months to see if he actually really needs to talk to the guy as you say his mental health is through the floor. This is actually protecting him, you and your relationship. Hopefully in 6 months time he will be in a better place and no longer feel the need. As for ghosting, I don’t think you ghosted anyone, you just said you were leaving the groups for your own mental wellbeing and wanted your wishes to be respected as such.

You haven't 'ghosted' OP. You have said goodbye to them. It's a healthy decision and you took some time to make it. It's natural to feel guilt but don't let that make you second guess yourself.

I woke up in the night worrying that I was toxic because I’d ghosted them.
You're like the least toxic person I have ever come across! Oh, and often ghosting is about self care - it isn't toxic if you ghost/distance from someone to protect yourself, its really healthy.
It was easier to ghost and there are only three mutual friends we actually have so it won’t make life hard. I am concerned that if I see them at parties maybe they’ll tell me off. I also don’t want people to feel like they can’t invite them if I’m there. So this decision is not without problems.
This ^ most people can relate to. That's why everyone here has your back. Remember I said these things can take decades? It is a vital part of self growth and actualisation to experience this kind of life issue and work our how to handle it. In time, none of this will matter to you one bit.
The girlfriend has also spoken about a girl who ghosted her a few years ago for years since. It’s almost certain that she’ll talk about me for years too. I feel this is her problem though. The lack of resilience is terrible; I’ve been ghosted once and I used it to make changes to myself and my life! I hope these people can do the same. I guess their mental health isn’t my responsibility but I do feel mean.
See? You're not even slightly toxic, nor mean for that matter. They will talk about you & it is her/their problem. It's what people do. People spoke about me - they were really mad when I left! Given how badly they'd treated me, I was genuinely surprised! Anyway one day, someone told me that it is none of my business what other people think of me... that massively helped. FYI those people I walked away from? They never changed. They still gossip about each other / use each other / blame everyone else / leech off anyone they can...

If it makes you feel better, one day they might start their own journey of self discovery - but they may well by elderly by then (some people start late). You though, you're well ahead of the game here - unless you're actually elderly - in which case, oops and better late than never!! 😁

If you still carry a sense of mean, may I suggest you channel your energy in another direction. You cannot help these people or anyone like them because they don't want help to be better people, but there are plenty of other amazing causes that need people like you - for example, I spend my free time working with disabled folk and animals - amazing what that'll do for your self worth!!

I think you should consider ghosting the boyfriend for his negging behaviour!

Hi OP, first of all well done! You need to nip this in the bud with your partner, stay very firm and ask him why he thinks this is acceptable. These people have behaved awfully towards you. Do not accept ANY blame whatsoever. I dont like this one bit, he should be so proud of you.

I agree.

Guess who's boyfriend most certainly doesn't want her asserting herself🙄.

These people are awful...but your boyfriends go to is to diminish your achievement of finally standing up to them🙄.

He wants you stressed and confused.

...and you are planning to TTC with him???🙄.....have a good long hard think about that......a real partner would celebrate your emancipation from twatty users, not hobble you with doubts.

*I'll be blunt.

Your partners being decidedly weird here. Possibly a little bit too enmeshed in the group dynamic and finding it difficult to climb up out of the swamp.*

Completely agree, @WhereYouLeftIt . You’ve made your decision, OP, stick with it and leave this messy friendship/WhatsApp group behind.

I can’t believe the CFery of some people, asking friends to deep clean their house under these circumstances.

Hi! I do agree that it did seem like he was negging me and it did fill me with doubt. However, I told him he seemed to be being self centred and making it about him when in reality he can do wtf he likes as long as I don’t have to see them; I’ve fought my battle and it’s up to him what he wants to do. So there’s nothing to ‘process’.

He said he was really sorry it had come across that way and he actually completely agreed with what I’d done and he really hated that they’d treated me that badly. He’s also stressed that they act like that and that there’s nothing he can do. He’s someone who likes to talk things over and find solutions and he’s finding it hard that he can’t change their behaviour (not mine). He also told me he was very stressed about a restructure at work and he’s adjusting to being off meds.

So I think he’s ok today. He just was too down generally to express support. He is adamant he does support me and he sees I had no choice and that this is their fault, not mine. It’s true that his low mood is hard to deal with sometimes but fortunately I’m pretty good at supporting myself these days.

OP maybe your partner should reconsider coming off his medication if he is finding it this hard with every day situations and low mood. If those particular meds didn't work for him there are plenty of other solutions he can consider.

Please reconsider having a child with him while he is so low, a baby only adds to the stress levels in life. As much as they are loved and wanted it is an added stress.

I’ve said that until I’m blue in the face. I don’t know if being off meds is right for him at the moment. He says that he always has a wobble when he reduces his dosage (that’s true because he’s stepped down the dosage over the months and had a week of being low each time). He says he just wants to be off the meds. I think (because it’s only been a few days since stopping them and he went from a very low dosage to nothing so not a big step) it’s watch and wait.

I do agree with the point that he may struggle to cope with kids if he’s stressed over some wasters that we’re better off without. I think they’re very controlling and he feels afraid of the fallout and feels caught in the middle. Maybe the answer is for him to ghost them but that’s not for me to say.

OP,
It is very hard to make the necessary changes to assert and empower yourself in your life, if your partner behaves as yours does.

Poor mental health, weak, needy and full of self doubt, with a people pleasing mentality.

Having children, even fully healthy ones, can be very stressful and challenging.

It is hard to express just how much pressure it can add to a couple, even more so if both are working full-time, which is the norm.

You are to be absolutely commended for seeing a character flaw in yourself and working hard to address it.

That is no mean feat.

If you were my daughter I would be strongly advising you to hold off until you are far more sure of this partner and their capacity to be a parent.

Putting it really bluntly, no one in their right mind needs/should start their parenting journey carrying their partner.

It is just making things so much harder.
You need someone who will share the load and absolutely have your back.

Just testing as not been able to post.

I've wondered about this post over the last year - I wondered whether the OP would stay with her boyfriend, given he was waving a few red flags back then.

Hi! He was waving red flags then as he seemed to think I’d made the wrong decision by ghosting these awful people. However, I put him in his place and have remained resolute in my ghosting. I definitely made the right decision to ghost them. My partner now respects my choice.

Part of the way he was is that he was chronically unwell with post viral fatigue which has now resolved. He could barely stay awake, let alone deal with any problems. He is better now and does help me.

My newfound confidence has lead to great things in my career and I’ve just got a great new job on the highest salary I’ve ever been on. I’ve also stopped binge eating and binge drinking (I think I did those things because I was stressed by my people pleading). No need for that now.

That's a great update. Thank you!

Glad things are much better for you both now!