Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

[Feliciacat]

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

No. He's not a friend, he's a user

Ok, so I was waiting until this morning to reply to him (it’s in a WhatsApp group that him and his girlfriend has with me and my boyfriend) when I woke up. My boyfriend said he couldn’t stay because it’d be bad for his body to sleep on a sofa. The ‘friend’ sad he would be ok on a sofa (I think he was trying to worm his way in). So I said:

“You should definitely ask Occupational Therapy about this, there’s no way this would work. We both have a lot on at the moment so can’t accommodate a guest. Particularly for that long.

If you need things on evenings and weekends though, do say. Really hope you get well asap fella :) xxx”

I’ve not had a reply but I bet they’ll go cold on me and bitch about me tbh. You’re all right though, this is an opportunity to get rid. I mean, I’ve actually offered enough to them as is and a normal friend would be fine with that. I really feel they can’t deal with me not acting exactly as they want me to so I’m braced for the worst.

Are you sure he's a friend?
He sounds like a user to me.

He's not your friend. He sees you as someone he can use and manipulate

My DS (early 20's) very badly broke and dislocated ankle and was on no weight bearing/bedrest last summer.

It was awful-he couldn't even make himself a cup of tea because he couldn't carry it on crutches etc. he did use a ruck sack to crutch things eventually but cast was massive and he was very very dependant on help.

I would 100% say absolutely not

When I was 13 I had a nasty ear infection that infected my balance. I was the same height as my Mum at the time 5ft 2 ( I am 5ft 6 as an adult) so she could not carry me to the loo and no way would I let my Dad do it. I thought it would be embarrassing for him as I was (in my eyes) a woman. So what did I do? I fumbled and crawled to the loo.

Your " friend" can do the same. He can manage; trust me.

He sounds like a total user who'd expect you to wait on him. Your reply was excellently firm and so what if he throws his toys out of the pram – this is one 'friendship' you are well rid of.

It is perfectly possible to shuffle up and down stairs on your bottom. He will get quite nifty at it with practice.

Well done with the message

Anyone that claims to be your family, particularly when you don’t feel overly close to them, are waving massive boundary crossing red flags. People that aren’t family who claim to be are usually trying to force an obligation on someone, so you feel obliged to care for him despite having very few ties to him. Do not let him stay, your life will be miserable and it’s likely he’ll find excuse after excuse to prolong his stay.

Fuck no.

He said that because it suits him.
If he has a disability, claims a disability benefit, his GP can refer to an Occupational Therapist who’ll visit and provide equipment needed to help him.

It has felt good to say no, you guys were right. I genuinely felt like I needed to give so much of myself to him because he said we were family. I think I need to come to terms with the fact I don’t have a family unit so that I can stop looking for inappropriate substitutes. I’m fine with me, my partner and my friends (friends, not substitute family). Might even have a child later this year too!

This thread has been a good example of tough love being just that; a kindness even though it’s hard to hear. Thank you all for your honesty xxx

You being scared of what his response is likely to be says everything about this friendship, which validates your reasons for saying no.

You sound lovely OP, I want to stay on your sofa! Those comments you had about having kids, I had that in the past, and it’s really hurtful 😢 YADNBU

I'm so glad you are saying no and staying strong. He's not someone you need in your life. There are options for him through occupational therapy etc that will assist him with adaptations for his home. He's just a lazy shit who wants you to wipe his arse and be a maid. Know your worth ✨️ and keep strong 💪 x

Let his girlfriend help him, he can buy a commode. Delete and block his number and find a better friend, he sounds like a horrible person.

😂

Well done.

Enjoy that sense of relief you will have today :)

So glad you said no!

He wasn’t just looking for a couch to sleep on, he wanted you to wait on him hand and foot for a month.

And I bet his girlfriend would have wanted to stay over too, on weekends etc

Yanbu to say no. It’s better for him to get a commode and stay in his own flat. His partner can look after him. Tbh from what you’ve said I don’t think this friend is much of a friend and maybe this is a good time to start creating distance?

OP why are you friends with this person? Just ewwww

Tell him no way and take great delight in his girlfriend having to empty his commode.

Or watch her wise up and realise what a l(user) he is.

OP

Please say strong; this person obviously has no shame; anyone else would find a way to manage.

You sound like a lovely person and you deserve friends who appreciate that and treat you with the same kindness. Remember that going forward. I’m really glad you have found the courage to say no and if that is the end of the friendship, so be it. A true friend, well they wouldn’t ask in the first place but still, accepts a “no” with good grace. They don’t try and manipulate you or bulldoze you into getting what they want.

I was going to say yes, let him stay, until I read the backstory. They do sound like users. Let his partner help him out.