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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

333 replies

Feliciacat · 25/01/2023 00:45

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 25/01/2023 05:22

‘Hi Gerry, no can do. Hope you get something sorted’, and then block or mute, even for a few weeks. It’s sounds like he has you at his beck and call.

SpookyBlackCat · 25/01/2023 05:23

WiddlinDiddlin · 25/01/2023 03:32

'No, that doesn't work for me/us - we/I have gone out of our way for you in the past and that courtesy doesn't appear to work both ways. This would cause us a lot of stress when you do have alternative options. Suggest you buy a commode from Amazon and your partner can aid you with that and anything else you need.'

You'll probably get backlash and further rudery, which you can then cite as another reason why you don't want to be subjected to him solidly for 3/4 weeks (how many appointments can he have, surely once dealt with its simply a matter of time!)

It’s not the OP’s problem to solve, so don’t start making suggestions about commodes and alternative solutions.

Just a simple no is fine in this situation. If he keeps hassling you, just block him and say you are done.

isthismylifenow · 25/01/2023 05:26

It's would be a no from me, my ex had this same issue and it was not just 3/4 weeks of recovery time. If you agree to it, there will be requests to extend the stay for about 2 months.

Fraaahnces · 25/01/2023 05:30

Add his photo to this and send it back to him with NOT HAPPENING in the subject line

Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks
dentydown · 25/01/2023 05:36

Say no. If he has an existing disability direct him to occupational therapy/Adult social services. Occupational therapy may advise him to buy/supply him with a commode.

Goatinthegarden · 25/01/2023 05:45

They sound like a dreadful pair. It’s not nice being injured, but unless he’s got bigger issues with frailty and poor health, a pair of broken/injured ankles is a major inconvenience but not impossible to overcome.

I don’t really understand his mentality. I’d think it far, far worse to sleep on a friend’s sofa and be uncomfortable and in the way…and still have to get myself to the loo, etc (unless he’s expecting you to help with that too?!). I’d rather get on with it in my own bed and in my own company. I’ve never broken an ankle, but I did have my full leg in plaster up to my thigh and bruising to other body parts when I lived alone in a flat with stairs in my 20s. It’s amazing how ingenious you can become when you have to.

Anyway, he hasn’t been kind to you and you don’t owe him anything. I echo responses from pp saying to just tell him no.

HomeTheatreSystem · 25/01/2023 05:57

Second all the PPs saying no, but do be mindful of not giving excuses as to why you can't help as that opens the door to them "problem solving" the various obstacles for you. A simple, "No, that doesn't work for us" is all you need to say. If he gets shitty, he gets shitty! Just close the convo down then block on all SM.

Look on the whole thing as an opportunity to rid yourself of an unappreciative user.

HomeTheatreSystem · 25/01/2023 05:59

Fraaahnces · 25/01/2023 05:30

Add his photo to this and send it back to him with NOT HAPPENING in the subject line

😂so tempting!

kateandme · 25/01/2023 06:08

No details.no waffle. Just a simple sentence of " no this really can't work for us sorry"
No guilt.no thinking needed about this again op.
Before the background I would have said no. Add this in and fuck off.
I wouldn't want to do this and would only consider it with someone really close.and ic I couldn't work out any other way with them.

TellMeWhere · 25/01/2023 06:09

He really doesn't sound like a friend at all. Plus he has a girlfriend to help him out and her family, so no, I wouldn't even entertain the suggestion.

Don't give some long winded excuse. "Unfortunately that won't work for us. Really hope you make a speedy recovery."

If you're lucky this will kill the friendship off anyway. Embrace the fact that you already know you'll be painted as an unreasonable witch, but better a witch than a mug.

lamaze1 · 25/01/2023 06:16

"This guy said he was my family and that he’d always be there for me."

Read your opening post back OP. It doesn't sound like he has acted like family to you at all. Sounds like a user. Yanbu.

custardbear · 25/01/2023 06:18

Goodness no! If nothing else you have a piece of work to do and that'll take up all your time (excuse) - but just no, he's no friend, if he was a family member he'd be the type we'd all go low contact with

Just no

Scotty12 · 25/01/2023 06:53

YANBU. Say no.

ShandaLear · 25/01/2023 07:01

I suspect that as well as the sofa, he wants you running around after him for 6 weeks, making all his meals and doing all his laundry. You really need to say no, or that’s what you’re lining yourself up for.

Thighlengthboots · 25/01/2023 07:04

SAY NO. I broke my femur whilst living in a three storey house. It was difficult but I survived using crutches and so will he. In fact, my arm muscles have never looked so ripped after that!

Its absolutely ridiculous for him to expect to move in to your house due to this- he has a partner FGS - why cant she help him?

OP- I really recommend the book "Not Nice" by Dr Aziz Gazipura- its about people pleasing and how to stop it and to be assertive and have healthy boundaries.

Deathraystare · 25/01/2023 07:05

Of course the answer is "Fuck off. NO" and if he whines then HE is being over sensitive!

Shinyandnew1 · 25/01/2023 07:09

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago)

He sounds like a dreadful friend! Can’t you just ignore his messages!

Sunriseinwonderland · 25/01/2023 07:10

Hahaha CF. No. You are not his mum.

LovelyDaaling · 25/01/2023 07:17

He's not what I would consider a friend. He says he is but isn't. He's using you. He utters warm words which stick in your mind to guilt trip you when he wants the next favour.

You must start saying no to him. He'll get the message and turn to other soft touches. However, be prepared for him turn nasty and attack you for not supporting him like he would have done for you. Don't be fooled by this tactic.

Jaxinthebox · 25/01/2023 07:18

He is an awful friend (or shitty uncle if 'family') and you do not need to justify your reason why its a no, it won't work for your family end of discussion.

Please do not enter into chat about reasons why. Stay strong, be firm, and get rid of this awful personl

You have had amazing advice and I wish you well. I guarantee you will feel so much better not having this person in your life zapping your time and energy.

Roselilly36 · 25/01/2023 07:20

Don’t be used OP, he sounds quite abusive, just say no and step away.

RosetteNebula · 25/01/2023 07:23

Hell no. Even without the backstory I'd still say no. I had a horrific ankle injury a couple of years ago and I just had to drag myself up and down the stairs on my bum.

Saracen · 25/01/2023 07:23

YANBU. I was somewhat sympathetic for your first few paragraphs because he is in a pickle.

But that was assuming he was an actual friend. It turns out that he hasn't been nice to you in the past. His behaviour has now come to roost. You've been more than generous with your offers to help him where convenient - I wouldn't even have done that after he and his partner ignored you for two months.

Tiani4 · 25/01/2023 07:24

You offered a couple lifts at a weekend. You can't do weekdays as you work (he has others AND PiP /DLA to help and /or can ask for hospital transport to be arranged)

Utterly ridiculous he has replied to ask to live and sleep in your house on your sofa for "3-4 weeks" (yeah and the rest of 2 months..). How does moving in with someone to take over their lounge & life even equate in his head??? The entitlement... Shock

Don't do a long reply - I find this pay phrase of no thanks works for everything... so ..
"No thanks, I hope you get well soon"

His gf , his family , her family can set him up for the day (with commode, food, drinks, flask, tv remote control , laptop, books ) besides him

If he was so disabled and injured he was unsafe to live at home without support he can contact local social card team
They can organise carers to visit him at home, commode and emptying of commode
Or if he was entirely unsafe, they could organise short residential emergency stay (phys Dis). They won't as sounds like he could manage..

Riverlee · 25/01/2023 07:24

“The friend and his partner”.
They have a partner who can care for them.