Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

[Feliciacat]

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

But he wasn’t there for you was he? When his friend was nasty to you, and that was nasty, he wouldn’t call him out in his behaviour, wouldn’t keep you apart and his GF compared you to a bitchy school girl!

I would reply No you can’t use our sofa, that wouldn’t work for us. And then block him. You don’t need people like him in your life, he doesn’t bring anything to the table, he uses you and he doesn’t have your back. Get rid of him.

This guy said he was my family and that he’d always be there for me. So I feel like I’m ditching a family member.

He’s a manipulative arse and sounds like someone who is really quite unpleasant and happy to take whatever he can get from others.

Having a disability doesn’t give him license to use people.

Well done on that message you sent! This is the first step to better self esteem…if he ghosts you, although that can be hurtful for you, you know the rubbish took itself out!

So a user AND manipulative?

TBH, I thought 'no' just reading the title of your thread, by the time I'd read just half of your OP it was 'fuck ,no!'.

"I felt so under pressure as they kind of portray themselves as really unfortunate people so I feel terrible saying no."
You're half-way there. You realise at some level that it is a portrayal, an exaggeration, a play for sympathy (which they then use to manipulate good people like yourself).

"He does have a family that he doesn’t get on with and his girlfriend’s family that they do get on with. Hopefully they can help."
Good chance that his family said no to ridiculous requests and he's in a huff. His girlfriend's family will learn to say no too, in time . But they're not your responsibility, just like he isn't.

Well done for saying no to him. With luck they'll go in a huff with you and you'll never have to deal with this selfish self-absorbed pair of chancers ever again.

Well done, OP. Don't let him guilt trip you into changing your mind.

From personal experience, I can tell you that the first 'No' when you'd usually say 'Yes' is the hardest one, but it does get easier!

Hes a massive CF. The type of person who will take take take and give nothing back, ever.

I broke my ankle and had a cast on for 7 weeks. I shuffled upstairs on my backside, and shuffled back down again. Simple. I didn't need to camp on anyone's couch. Block him and walk away

@Feliciacat Please say no - it won't just be him freeloading it will be the girlfriend too and it will probably turn into longer than the 3-4 weeks as he will have his own personal butler.

Had he offered any contribution i.e. paying rent, for food, gas or electricity or did he expect you to subsidise him to.

He is not a friend you are just there when it is for his convenience.

They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

Given his (& his g/f's!) response to you over the party friend's nastiness, how was it that you were STILL, 2 months later, pandering to this selfish tosser? Especially when they have been ignoring you since the party?

Do you know the nasty friend's name? If so - message back saying "I'm not going to accommodate this as you are being too sensitive, but I'm sure your good friend Kevin can help you."

If you can't manage that "We're not close enough friends to offer this, you haven't responded to my messages since your friend insulted me 2 months ago."

You don't have a friend problem, because this man is not your friend.
You have an assertiveness problem. You did well standing up for yourself about not wanting to encounter party friend again, but when user friend told you he was not going to respect your boundary - THAT was the time to realise how little value he puts on you, or your feelings, & stop chasing him for replies that didn't come.
So tell him NO, then order this -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication/dp/0715654543

Seen all your updates now, well done for saying NO & I hope you are revelling in the freedom & autonomy of it!

You have no need to worry yourself about how he takes it or what he says about you - he's a manipulative arsehole. He chose those WORDS about family because he knew they'd snare you. His ACTIONS have never been family though have they? He wouldn't even agree to let you know when Party Friend would be around so you could decline visits to avoid him.

Letting you know wouldn't have put HIM out in the slightest. He just enjoyed your discomfort. Probably got a sick thrill from the tiny power trip of hurting you, knowing you would still stick around to be used. He's just learned different now though hasn't he? 😂

You did exactly the right thing. Your partner, not so much 😅by your partner giving an excuse like "it will be bad for you to sleep on the sofa" it let him wiggle out by saying he'd be fine. You handled it PERFECTLY by setting the boundary of "no, we cannot accommodate this" which is completely true, but also isn't giving more excuses that he can dodge around. You've said no, not because it doesn't work for him and his injury, but because it doesn't work for you, and that's fine and acceptable. If they kick off, it'll be out of anger that they're not getting their own way, not because of anything you've done wrong. You're perfectly entitled to decide who lives in your home.

This man sounds like an unpleasant character and his girlfriend can look after him, but neither can expect you to care for a man who was happy to give you the silent treatment for a month when you set a boundary. If I'm being honest, he sounds like a nightmare to live with. Perhaps if he wanted you to put yourself out so much and disrupt your life to allow him to sleep on your sofa for a month, he should have been kinder to you in the past. You owe him nothing.❤

Definitely not. I can't even tell you the number of ankle and knee injuries I've had over the years, including several operations. I've never not been able to get up and down stairs scooting on my bum or hobble to the loo. And there would have been nothing more painful than sleeping on the sofa anyway.

Hell no! I'm glad you've told him that too! If he was on his own with no family then I'd maybe take more than a nano second to consider it but he's got a girlfriend and he gets on with her family!!!
If you allowed this, you'd have the girlfriend round at yours all the time too. I don't think so!

My boyfriend said he couldn’t stay because it’d be bad for his body to sleep on a sofa. The ‘friend’ sad he would be ok on a sofa (I think he was trying to worm his way in)

Good for you for saying no OP!
Just wanted to quote the above bit though - there are so many threads like this and it might help someone.
If you give a reason such as the above "bad for his body to sleep on the sofa". The cheeky fucker will come straight back with "Nah, it'll be fine", leaving you then having to come up with another excuse or finding the words to shut it down completely - which is what you did.
It's far better in situations like this just to be completely straight from the offset.
"No, that doesn't work for us"
"No, we aren't able to accommodate you" etc.

There are a lot of threads like this where posters think up "excuses" for the various situations - and it just doesn't work. A very clear no needs to be expressed, although politely. If they then keep pushing, you can say "As I said, we aren't able to accommodate you". Cheeky fuckers know exactly what they are doing and the only thing they understand is a very clear no.

Ignore what he says (anyone can say anything, with no effort at all). Look at his actions. Has he behaved like "family"? He may have, if your family is shit and sees you only as a convenience, but that's not the kind of family you either want or deserve.
Say no, firmly.

Your lounge becomes his bedroom …..you lose your living space for a whole month or more ? Nobody should ask that of you. It’s entirely unreasonable to ask unless you all live in the middle of a war zone. And that’s without the back story which indicates he may not be the genuine friend you had hoped he was.

Tell him you have discussed his request with your partner and no it’s out of the question for him to live in your lounge for a month. You don’t need to explain why. If you want, set up a rota on the friends whatsapp group so that a meal is delivered to him every day then he will be clear about the sort of help he will be lucky enough to receive from friends. Friends could also help him by moving his own sofa next to his own bathroom in his own home.

I agree, you need to say know. It’ll put you under a lot of stress at home and probably stress this friendship, such as it is, to breaking point. Maybe let it go now.

Well done OP, your reply was perfect 👏🏻

If you want, set up a rota on the friends whatsapp group so that a meal is delivered to him every day then he will be clear about the sort of help he will be lucky enough to receive from friends.

Ye Dogs don't go doing this OP!

You don't need to kiss this man's arse any more. He is not your friend, & he deserves none of your help. I'm amazed that this has been suggested - who on earth would find it appropriate to be so servile to a man who has ignored you for 2 months because you had the temerity to be upset by his disgustingly rude friend?

I think we're forgetting that this man also has a girlfriend. Is she not capable of taking care of him?

Well done you. The first word to this CF is no for everything. I’d also say to leave the WhatsApp group and your partner could leave the group too. Keep setting your boundaries as you are doing. It will feel great to not be inconvenienced and have your time wasted by cf people who are not real friends. Wishing you well with your baby plans.

It's interesting that he wants to stay with you when energy bills are huge, too. He'd be on your sofa with the heating on all day - you wouldn't be able to argue against that as he is recovering. I'm so glad you've told him you can't have him. Stay strong now!

He's a total user that thinks you are super dim and ripe for using.

He has NO respect for you and clearly could care less about your feelings.

Yet you still want to be at his disposal for weekend lifts.🙄

WHY???????

Do you want a shit stressful life?

Because you are behaving as if you do.

Cut him off completely and don't consider having a child until you start forming boundaries that protect you from users like this and teach you to stand up for yourself.

Children need parents that will stand up for them.

You will be a great mother once you learn to protect yourself from losers/users like him.

Tell him he can borrow a commode from St John's ambulance and you are sure his girlfriend will empty it for him.

Well done OP but I'd retract the other offers of help too.
Calling you 'family' is CF script for 'I need to keep using you to accommodate my wants and needs.'

He knows full well how handy you are to him and he knows how guilty you'll feel letting him down.

That he was rude to you then blanked you for two months is appalling, yet he seems to think that you can still look after him for a month is just breathtaking.

Shutters up and blank him back. Regain some of that headspace that he has been using up.

If he comes back whinging again...

'We were being tactful - short version, we do not want to, so you will not be staying here.'