Friend wants to stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks

[Feliciacat]

Hi all.

Bit of a situation today; a friend has broken their ankle, torn their ankle ligaments and sprained the other ankle. They have my every sympathy for this, I’ve done similar in the past. They asked our friend group for lifts to the hospital and I’ve said I can only do it on weekends (their appointments will be on weekdays most likely) but to let me know if they need any help at all on evenings and weekends.

They’re now asking if he can stay on our couch for 3/4 weeks as he lives in a weirdly shaped flat with lots of stairs meaning he’d struggle to get to the bathroom. We have a ground floor bathroom.

My concerns are:

I don’t think we can give him the care he needs if he lives at ours. Work won’t let me or my partner flex if it’s just taking care of a friend. My partner is very busy with work and so am I and I’m usually in the office. I don’t think it’d be an appropriate environment for him as we’d have to practically ignore him during work hours. Plus, from a selfish point of view, it would be stressful for us as we couldn’t have people over and I need to finish my professional course by mid Feb. I do t know how we can manage looking after him.

This friend has asked me for many favours; lifts to vet appointments, every time I come over he has stuff for the tip for me to take and when he’s had parties he’s asked me for lifts to the supermarket (he has no access to a car and can’t drive due to disability). I have felt used.

I felt a lot more used after a friend of his offended me at a party (he said I was old and should get a move on with having kids and that I’d have at least one miscarriage). I said to my friend that if that person was at a party again then I didn’t want to come. I said I’d never make them choose sides but couldn’t face seeing that person again as he’d hurt my feelings so much (I cried every day for a week). My friend’s response was to say he wasn’t going to accommodate this and that I’d been over sensitive. His partner compared me to a really bitchy girl from her past in response to me trying to set this boundary!

This friend and his partner have been ignoring my messages ever since this exchange (2 months ago). That’s out of character. I think they didn’t like me as much and wanted to be less friendly with me because I said no to something for once. Now, they’re being friendly again. I feel awful about what’s happened but I suspect they’re using me again.

AIBU?

YABU: You should have him to stay and let bygones be bygones; he needs help.

YANBU: It’s a tough situation but despite this, you don’t have to let him stay.

Defs no - what sort of person would WANT to sleep on someone else’s sofa for a month?? With no privacy, where would he keep his stuff, could you use the sofa in the evenings? What if he wants to go to bed? will his dirty clothes be lying around? Assume he won’t be leaving the house if he thinks he’s unable to use stairs so he’ll just be stewing in your living room for weeks?? Btw the hospital/physio will/should teach him to use stairs with crutches before allowing him home alone with them - and most people could just hop up or crawl/bump up and down anyway?? A reasonable person would never think for a second that was a reasonable solution.

He sounds like a freeloader and is probably thinking of it as a nice way to be looked after and cooked for. Set your boundary - you can still do it in a way that protects your friendship - it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If that’s important to you.

“I’m sorry I’m keen to help you but we wouldn’t be able to offer you that. I can still do an appt run with you once a weekend, and how about we do dinner next X to catch up?

Why are you even considering it? It’s such an obvious no!

He is a user, do better and bin him completely

Three to four weeks in all probability will be a lot longer. Say no.

“I am sorry but as I’m so old I’m spending all my spare time trying to get pregnant. I need the sofa free in case the mood takes me there and then. All the best xx”

If he's disabled I'm sure there's funds he can apply for, carers allowances, PIP, charities etc and he'll have to use taxis if he can't drive. Also some hospitals offer transport services.

if he’s been ignoring you for months why on earth did you offer help in the evenings and weekends! I know you feel sorry for him but it sounds like he’s exploiting that. Have you known him for a long time?

Definitely a CF user! His GF can look after him.

Absolutely not, you’re not a care home and they don’t sound like very good friends. Just say, sorry we aren’t in a position to offer that level of support.

Just respond "that won't work for us".
Be clear and concise don't give him wriggle room. Alternatively just ignore the message like he did yours. In future decline any invitations and Lose this "friend".

Absolutely not. He sounds like a horrible friend.

@Edders71 love that

Say that no you can’t help. Don’t say sorry. He can get up and down his stairs with crutches. If he persists say that you have too much on to accommodate him. Is there a home nursing service? He could have a commode and then help with emptying it and cleaning it. He is not your responsibility. Say no and then don’t take his further calls or messages.

You could either ignore it or just say, sorry I can't because my partner works from home.

i wouldn't even bother replying to an ask like that. for all you know they have asked a few people so let someone else get mugged off.
he sounds like a complete pain in the arse/ankle/etc.

Glad you're telling him no.

He has people to help him. Or can hire a home aid.

It'd be different if he was a genuinely good person and not a user in a bad spot but that is not this guy.

Hasn't the hospital provided him with one, maybe, two black boots for walking around in? (Long, wrap around, velcro and straps for support). If not, Amazon will. If he really can't do stairs, even with these on, a camping toilet beats a commode - I'm sure he can charm a lend off someone else(!)

But not at your house, no. Absolutely not.

I love what @Edders71 suggested. But if you want a serious and final response, the key is not to over apologise or over explain. Because you've offered help, be clear about what you are prepared to offer. So somthing like:

Hi XXXX

We've had a think about your request and unfortunately that won't work for us at all, so I can't help in that way. If you need help with a food shop, I'd be able to do a quick wizz round the shops on Saturday and between 4-5 - would that be useful? Let me know.

Feliciacat

*and drop off

Nope. He’s not your friend. He sees you as a service provider.

If he’s upset at your saying no, tell him you aren’t prepared to accommodate his sensitivities.

Leave him to the care of his equally CF partner.

My couch is my sanctuary to read, play on my Ipad or Tablet and also watch TV on plus watching my DVDs etc.

I would think other peoples' couches are likewise so he is being really selfish asking for this.

I might be repeating other people's responses but this is a definite no! I would struggle to say no too and would have to find an excuse to lessen the blow, but no way would I accommodate this "friend". It's really too much to ask of you even if he was a good friend.

I tend to find that as soon as I've been asked a favour, the onus is on me to do it or have a really good reason why not. It's so hard to say no when you have that mindset. I would be thinking up a good excuse, but it sounds like he may get into a sulk with you anyway. Don't let that sway you - a friend like that is not a friend you need.

Don't let him stay .

As he's saying the stairs are the problem , tell him to sit on the bottom one and work his way up like that in a sitting position , coming down in the same way. Problem solved !

Normally I’d said YABU but, in this case, your definitely, not being unreasonable. Suggest that he arranges for a paid carer to come a
couple of times a day to make him a meal/snack. He could be left with a hot drink in a thermos for when he’s alone. He could buy a commode for when he’s finding it hard to get to the loo and the carer can empty it when they arrive. There’s always ways around these things.

*you’re