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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want MIL to babysit (yet)

168 replies

DeeDeeDaisy · 25/01/2023 00:07

My DD is 10 weeks old. I have left her for a few hours with my mum once and am leaving her with my mum again for 3 hours this week.
MIL seems miffed that I've asked my own mum and not her. Asked me if she can have her next time.

I'm not opposed to MIL ever looking after her granddaughter. But my baby is still tiny and I'm the one who is with her 24/7 and knows her better than anyone. I trust my mum more than I trust MIL. I know that if I tell my mum to do something a certain way with regards to my DD, she will do it. With MIL, I'm not so sure. She doesn't always listen to me and has done things in the past eg put baby in the carseat in her coat even though I told her the guidance nowadays says not to do that. She just acted as if she didn't hear me and proceeded to pit the coat on - I had to take it off. Or telling me my baby was tired and standing up trying to rock her to sleep. I told her 3 times she was hungry and she just wouldn't give me my baby back until I reached out for her.

One day she can babysit. But not yet. AIBU?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 25/01/2023 00:11

Yanbu as your baby.
But think of the future when you might need child care so pick your battles.
Try for a couple of hours max,give her a chance to do as you ask.

Freddiefox · 25/01/2023 00:17

It’s your choice, but she probably just wants to feel part of things. You’re going to trust your mum more as you have an easier relationship
with her. Maybe try to include her in different ways.

Ponoka7 · 25/01/2023 00:21

I think have MIL round her a bit more, so you can move towards her having her at around six months. If one of the things that she's liable to do is early weaning etc then put her off for three months. Letting her take her for a walk when the weather gets better will be a good start.

Jeschara · 25/01/2023 00:24

What does your partner/ husband think?

saraclara · 25/01/2023 00:29

Ponoka7 · 25/01/2023 00:21

I think have MIL round her a bit more, so you can move towards her having her at around six months. If one of the things that she's liable to do is early weaning etc then put her off for three months. Letting her take her for a walk when the weather gets better will be a good start.

Six months? Seriously?
That would be a recipe for unnecessarily difficult relationships all round. If the maternal grandma has had the baby twice already at just over two months old, you can't many paternal grandma wait that long PLUS another four months! She's not done anything to deserve that.

dustydewdrop · 25/01/2023 00:37

Do what YOU’RE comfortable with OP. I think a lot of MILs realise that a new mum will turn to their own mum first and that maybe they have to take the back seat for a while. If she has ignored things you’ve told her to do/not to do then she’s only herself to blame. Although could your husband/partner have a kind word with her about how you feel? I’m sure she’ll take it on board as she won’t want to feel excluded.

shampooing · 25/01/2023 00:42

I didn't trust MIL, especially as a PP said regarding weaning, she was trying to convince us to try baby rice by 3 months and suggesting sugary snacks and that I shouldn't breastfeed on demand.

DH felt the same so in that sense it wasn't too complicated as we didn't care about being fair to anyone when DC was born, DC is not a doll to share and is to be cared for by her parents or a trusted person.
Before we started using a nanny when I finished maternity leave my DM babysat for us occasionally or took DC out for a walk in the pram, if MIL wanted to see DC we arranged a visit or met for lunch or a walk together.
When my mum babysat it was usually only an hour or so, once a few hours. She didn't agree with everything I did but she still followed it.

BeardieWeirdie · 25/01/2023 01:49

You don’t have to pass your tiny baby over to anyone.

Oodieoodieoodie · 25/01/2023 01:57

How does she know your DM has been babysitting? Can you just not tell DMIL?

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 25/01/2023 02:02

Just dont tell her?

Liorae · 25/01/2023 02:06

You'll be fast enough to hand your child over when you want free childcare.

Dillydollydingdong · 25/01/2023 02:25

You should treat the two mothers the same. It's very sad for MIL if she gets left out, and after all, she brought up the baby's dad.

lailamaria · 25/01/2023 02:42

i think you're being massively unreasonable, yes you trust your mum more than baby's dad however the dad trusts his mum more than yours unless there's a drip feed, it's unfair to her

NessieMcNessface · 25/01/2023 03:41

Your baby is only ten weeks old and it’s important that you feel confident about who you leave her with. Therefore it’s perfectly understandable that you might prefer to leave with your own Mum at the moment. Your MIL should understand this and not be putting pressure on you asking to have her. It’s nice of her to offer but you don’t have to accept if you’re not happy. I’m not in this position yet but if and when my DIL
has a baby, I fully expect and accept that her Mum will be playing a bigger part, although I will of course offer to help in any way I can. I’m also concerned that your MIL doesn’t follow what you’ve asked her to do; your baby, your rules.

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 03:41

Once my baby was born my baby felt as much my husband as mine so if he wanted our baby to stay at his parents (which we did) unless there was genuine serious safety concerns my baby would

I don't own my child

StarsSand · 25/01/2023 04:34

YANBU.

If she's so desperate to provide childcare then she should be respectful of your parenting choices.

Not giving the baby back when asked is not on. Ignoring you about a safety issue in the car isn't on either.

Trust is earned not demanded.

Dontsparethehorses · 25/01/2023 04:42

If mil directly asks you - you explain that she doesn’t appear to listen to or respect the things you would like done to keep dd safe when you are there. So how can you trust her when your not there?! Gives mil opportunity to decide if she will do things she might disagree with but respects dil and her sons wishes so she can babysit?

magicthree · 25/01/2023 05:43

WandaWonder · 25/01/2023 03:41

Once my baby was born my baby felt as much my husband as mine so if he wanted our baby to stay at his parents (which we did) unless there was genuine serious safety concerns my baby would

I don't own my child

Well said. I am looking forward to some of these precious young mothers becoming MILs some day, and maybe finding themselves on the receiving end.

blindfate · 25/01/2023 05:49

It's your tiny baby, you don't have to leave her in any situation you're not comfortable with. Can you just not tell her if your mum babysits?

Everydayimhuffling · 25/01/2023 05:59

I would talk to her about why you don't trust her to babysit, so that it's clear it's a response to her behaviour and not a DM vs MIL thing. This does require a degree of bluntness though. It might be better coming from your DH if he's on board.

Strictly1 · 25/01/2023 06:03

A future potential post is ‘my MIL doesn’t offer childcare like my mum, I’d like her to offer more so we can have some time to ourselves’.
Be careful not to push her out too much. It’s not fair on your MIL or your child’s relationship with them.

Holly60 · 25/01/2023 06:09

I think a lot of new mums feel like this and it is normal. However I think a lot of paternal grandmothers who have to take the back seat when the first baby is tiny, find the second baby thrown at them at a few hours old 😂.

I know I felt that way. With my first I didn't give the baby to anyone, really, but did feel very relaxed with my own mother. By the time my second came along I'd seen the amazing bond my MIL had with my first, seen her love my baby to death, and so the first time she came over post baby 2, I threw the newborn at her on my way up to have a bath...

I think it's worth remembering OP that she did bring up your husband, and so presumably does know what she is doing.

That said she absolutely needs to respect your wishes, so tell her very clearly what you expect and that she needs to do that if she wants to care for your baby.

mrsbitaly · 25/01/2023 06:11

I'll be honest I was like this but I trusted my MIL more than my mum. This meant my MIL would have my daughter more and the more and the more she had her the more comfortable I felt only leaving my daughter with her and not mum as they hadn't developed a bond.
I regret this as my mum is a good person and is a fantastic nan to her other grandchildren i should have given her more of a chance because my daughter is now 10 and doesn't have a very close bond with her as much as my mum tries and makes an effort. I think she feels hurt.

I would be honest with your MIL with your concerns she may be able to reassure you and you don't know until you give her a real chance. She may get cues wrong sometimes but she will learn your child's needs and trust me you don't want to rely on one person to have your child when needed it's a nightmare any extra support is a bonus.

JustDrama · 25/01/2023 06:14

Unless there's a back story it sounds a bit like favouritism and control. I'd wonder how your DP feels about it.

Yousee · 25/01/2023 06:19

I'd favour a babysitter who didn't ignore my simple instructions on the most basic safety concerns too.
A baby relies on its mother to control all elements of it's life so not sure what's negative about that either.
Better that than letting anyone just do as they like with your tiny baby.