Don't want MIL to babysit (yet)

[DeeDeeDaisy]

My DD is 10 weeks old. I have left her for a few hours with my mum once and am leaving her with my mum again for 3 hours this week.
MIL seems miffed that I've asked my own mum and not her. Asked me if she can have her next time.

I'm not opposed to MIL ever looking after her granddaughter. But my baby is still tiny and I'm the one who is with her 24/7 and knows her better than anyone. I trust my mum more than I trust MIL. I know that if I tell my mum to do something a certain way with regards to my DD, she will do it. With MIL, I'm not so sure. She doesn't always listen to me and has done things in the past eg put baby in the carseat in her coat even though I told her the guidance nowadays says not to do that. She just acted as if she didn't hear me and proceeded to pit the coat on - I had to take it off. Or telling me my baby was tired and standing up trying to rock her to sleep. I told her 3 times she was hungry and she just wouldn't give me my baby back until I reached out for her.

One day she can babysit. But not yet. AIBU?

Trust is important. If she can't follow basic safety such as no coats in car seats and outright ignores you on top of that then I'd be concerned.

My baby is 7 weeks and we've left him with both my mum and MIL for a few hours at a time because we trust them both. His first sleepover last week was with my mum but next time it will be with MIL.

If we didn't feel comfortable with one of them then it would be different.

Absolutely

@MajorCarolDanvers The OPs thread title literally says she doesn’t want her MIL to babysit yet, not that she never will.

It’s not unreasonable to not want someone who ignores safety advice to babysit your child, especially when they’re ignoring they are ignoring you informing them of it being unsafe. And before you say, well she raised the OPs husband, there are lots of things (car seats, safe sleeping etc) that guidance has changed for due to children not surviving. The MIL is just one of the lucky ones. It sounds from the OP that if the MIL had said ‘oh okay, didn’t know that had changed’ and listened to the OP then she would have had no issues. I don’t let my mum babysit my kids until they’re past the baby stage as she ignored safe sleeping guidance despite numerous conversations (and a baby that died from SIDS in the family). I wasn’t unreasonable to want my child to be safe.

This might be true for you but isn’t the case for everyone. My oldest is 5 and has never and will never, be left under the care of my MIL

This is when being a mum of boys gets tough, as far more often than not you'll be the secondary grandma when the time comes. Not sure what the answer is, as all other things being equal, its natural to trust your own mum most, and as the baby's mum you'll typically have the deciding say.
I think most MiLs do get this actually. My lovely one did, and I will too when DSs have children. I won't expect to have the role I have with DDs baby, but will find my place and relationship to them in a different way.

My poor neighbour had the whole "closer to my mother" spiel from her dil, she was very much treated as "second" granny. So she "adopted" my kids and those of other neighbours and was an excellent substitute granny to them for many years. In fact she was so preoccupied with them that she was often too busy to babysit for her son and dil when they deigned to call which they moaned about no end.

I have to agree with this.

Have you talked to your husband about these concerns, because they're valid and reasonable to say 'no' over.

He needs to be on board with your decision to say 'no' until she is willing to respect you and your decisions regarding your child when it comes to safety and handing her back.

This is tough. I think a lot of people forget both grandmas are equally related to the grandchild genetically so nobody should be the secondary granny just by default.

But in the case of ignoring your wishes etc that appears to be the issue rather than simply because she is the paternal grandparent.

Your baby your choice. A mother will always trust her own mum over a woman who isn't related (and often has different views on raising children). Far easier leaving a small baby with someone you trust 100% and will respect your wishes, even for silly small things. You don't have to allow your mil just because your own mum can. Better just not telling your mil about it.

Not really advise but I'm exactly the same ! And for the same reasons: I can tell my mam off or say something but I'd feel like his mum would take pap of I said anything or she'd just think I was being funny with her/take personal
We had a night away the other night & she asked who was having him and when we said my mam she was asked why we didn't ask her 🙄.. I have an appointment next week(another city) and my partner "arranged " him to go to his mum's without asking me as she "hasn't really had him yet" but honestly I don't know what it is against her but I'd rather take him to hopsital then him to go there 🫣🤷
Also annoying once she was looking after him for couple hours; came home he was in a cardigan& a blanket he was red hot i had to strip him and open a window !.. The other day they came too and he was asleep in just a vest and she commented on how hes probably cold like we're in a house with central heating and he's snuggled up with me ,he's not cold ! X

Quite and it’s not like OP actually needs childcare. She has left her baby once for a few hours in 10 weeks! She doesn’t need to even things out and when she needs childcare again, she’ll call on the most reliable.

Your baby, your choice who looks after her. DTs are nearly 3 and have never been left with PILs….

I would have a gentle chat reminding her dd is tiny and bf and she needs to respect how you want to parent her.

Remember that when you are a MIL

I am a MIL though not a granny yet. If this happens, I hope I won’t be demanding to have sole care of grandchild but quite happy to see said child in the company of its parents.

I remember when my sister in law (husband's sister in law via marriage, let's call her Doris) came over with her baby, who was a few months old, to my mother-in-law's house, so the baby could meet me and my husband, as we didn't live nearby. My husband's sister (let's call her Barbara) asked something innocuous like, "Does his grandma enjoy playing with him?" (I don't remember the exact question, but just some little question about his relationship with his paternal grandma, who was Barbara's mum). Doris answered, "Yes, he plays with grandma every day.... Oh you mean YOUR mom... I don't know." And it was so obvious that Doris didn't see the baby's paternal grandmother as a real relative of the baby, or as equally important in the baby's life as the maternal grandmother. I thought that was extremely selfish actually.

It's normal for a new mum to be more comfortable with having her own mum as a babysitter, breastfeeding the baby around her own mum, etc. But I think it behooves mothers of new babies to be aware of their own ability to shut out the paternal grandma without even being aware they are doing so. And to be aware of how this can create distrust on the part of the paternal grandma that might make her wonder whether your negative assessment of her is neutral or whether you are simply looking for excuses to shut her out. Of course, grandma's can also go in the other direction, being controlling towards their daughters-in-law and then refusing to see how their own bullheadedness sours the relationship. So, I don't have an answer for you, I think you have to do what you think best (and you will, whether I agree or no!), but I think it's just important to be mindful of the fact that your husband's mum is just as much related to the baby as is your own mum, and to be willing to make an effort to include her even though this might somewhat be naturally uncomfortable.

That will be my approach to DSs children. Babyhood is after all, only one short stage of your life as a GP, and there's plenty of time to build a bond with GC and your own unique relationship with them. My DC never went to MIL as babies, but as they grew older formed a very special bond with her. My mum died when DC were still very young as it turned out, so MiL became the only grandma. Fortunately she'd taken no offence at being 'second' when they were tiny and was a huge comfort to us all. She's my role model for paternal GPing when the time comes.

YANBU

Some are choosing to ignore the point that MIL is ignoring OP when it comes to OP’s baby. That’s a major issue and does not help with building trust.

I wouldn’t trust anyone who wouldn’t give me my baby back or ignored me when I tell them to please not do something when it comes to my own baby.

My MIL had my oldest as an infant before I left him with my own mum because my mum is the type who pesters until you give in to her, would ignore me if I said not to give my child something, and questions my parenting to the point I have to internally count not to scream. Even me nursing was questioned constantly when she was with me whereas MIL had nursed all three of hers and would make suggestions here and there and didn’t seem offended when I would say “thank you, I’ll try that next if this way doesn’t work out.” My mother didn’t have our oldest on her own until he was almost 3.

Some of these posts saying that the MIL bought up their husband / partner and therefore should be given the baby are missing the main point - its about trust and respect, and can equally apply to a person's mother as it does their mother in law.

If the mother or mother in law ignores the simple requests that the baby's mother asks when caring for their tiny baby, then trust is not built. Its not about the fact that the mother or mother in law didn't successfully raise their own child/children, its about respecting the way the baby's mother wants to raise her own child.

So for the OP, find small ways for the MIL and you to build trust up so that she can build a relationship with both you and her grand child. I am speaking from experience.

My own mother in law desperately wanted to have my son overnight from when he was two weeks old. We pushed back. We agreed on afternoons out but only after he stopped being breastfed on demand. So from 6 months on, he went with her alone every week for the afternoon. However, given pretty significant allergies from me and his dad, we had strict rules regarding what food he could and could not be given. We had a plan from the doctor as to how he would be tested for those food allergies under medical supervision in case of anaphylactic reaction. After the first trip she gleefully returned him to us, saying she'd given him one of the foods we said he couldn't have he was "absolutely fine - told you you were over re-acting" - at the look of horror on our faces we said how did that happen when he could have had an anaphylactic reaction she backtracked and said he "got into her kitchen cubboard and had already eaten the food by the time she found him". However, this type of behavior did the opposite of building trust because it underlined the attitude that MIL believed she knew better and disregarded our views (and also medical advice).

There are multiple other examples of MIL disregarding explicit requests which had legitimate reasons behind them which makes me/us feel dismissed and disregarded. Its not about MIL not being able to successfully raise her own children. Its about respecting our right to raise our own children our own way.

I don't trust my MIL to watch my kids for a huge range of reasons. I would rather my kids were looked after by friends tbh than let her near them out of my sight. If you don't feel comfortable with it you don't have to do anything. Your kids are YOURS no one else gets to have a claim on them especially someone that ignores their needs and safety.

your baby is 10 weeks I am sure your MIL is as capable as your mother to look after her! It's not hard!

honestly posts like this really make me 😡

your MIL must feel really hurt

Did you read the op? If mil is hurt she should try and respect her dil request eg. Coat off in car seat?

I feel the same way when some posters think family members get to walk over new mums because they have raised children before.

It’s not about MIL’s competence. It is the fact that she is not listening to OP on basic things. OP shouldn’t have to ask a grown adult several times to return her baby. It is her baby, not MIL’s. MIL chooses to continue to ignore OP about her own baby then why should OP trust her to watch her?

Trust is earned not given because you are related to someone. OP has literally said she doesn’t trust MIL and why and that is more than good reason enough. OP’s mother seems to understands that her grandchild is not her child but her daughter’s. MIL should follow suit if she wants to be able to watch OP and her son’s baby.

Most men don't have a clue about tiny babies. A lot of it is instinctive and men don't have that. Plus mothers are usually the ones spending most time with the baby.
Also maybe she didn't do a great job on him.
Seeing what a man is like as a parent can tell you a lot about how they were brought up that you wouldn't know otherwise.
10 weeks is very young anyway. I would just keep quiet about your mum baby sitting. It's a bit mean to mention it if you know MIL feels left out.

@aloris did you even read the OP reasons for not trusting her MIL? It has nothing to do with being equally genetically related to a brand new baby 🤦🏼‍♀️ it’s about a new mum being ignored by someone who is supposed to respect her and her own parenting choices particularly when its about safety of the baby!

@Remmy123 MIL might be hurt but it’s her own fault for ignoring the wishes of DIL.

My MIL had DD much sooner/more often than my DM. Because she listened to us, she took on board things that had changed/our preferences and she followed our routine/parenting style.

FIL, though married to MiL, did not listen (can you not just put pillows round her to stop her waking up when she moves - three times he asked!) and was not allowed sole care until DD was over 1. MIL also supported us with that.

My DM has only had DD unsupervised since DD could talk, and express herself, because I don't trust her not to just do as she pleases, and also because she's older and wasn't really capable of safely handling DD, but would not admit that and would have tried to do more than she was capable of.

Most men don't have a clue about tiny babies. A lot of it is instinctive and men don't have that. *

What the hell have I just read!! Hello the 1930's is calling!