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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want MIL to babysit (yet)

168 replies

DeeDeeDaisy · 25/01/2023 00:07

My DD is 10 weeks old. I have left her for a few hours with my mum once and am leaving her with my mum again for 3 hours this week.
MIL seems miffed that I've asked my own mum and not her. Asked me if she can have her next time.

I'm not opposed to MIL ever looking after her granddaughter. But my baby is still tiny and I'm the one who is with her 24/7 and knows her better than anyone. I trust my mum more than I trust MIL. I know that if I tell my mum to do something a certain way with regards to my DD, she will do it. With MIL, I'm not so sure. She doesn't always listen to me and has done things in the past eg put baby in the carseat in her coat even though I told her the guidance nowadays says not to do that. She just acted as if she didn't hear me and proceeded to pit the coat on - I had to take it off. Or telling me my baby was tired and standing up trying to rock her to sleep. I told her 3 times she was hungry and she just wouldn't give me my baby back until I reached out for her.

One day she can babysit. But not yet. AIBU?

OP posts:
Wnikat · 25/01/2023 16:21

You're being a bit PFB but it's only natural.

Ask you husband to have a gentle word with his mother about doing things your way.

Then give her a chance. She will be in your life a long time and can be a great source of support if the two of you can manage a bit of give and take and tolerance of each other.

GerbilsForever24 · 25/01/2023 16:22

Surely the answer here is to 1. get your DH to say politely but firmly that you wold like to leave the baby with her but as she won't stick to fairly well known and accepted safety standards, it's an issue and 2. let her have very limited babysitting time at your home or hers ie she has baby but for a short enough time that if she gets snippy about tiredness/food etc it's not a huge problem.

thegrandolddukeofpork · 25/01/2023 16:23

Good to see lots of commenters would happily let their tiny baby be looked after by someone who refuses to follow basic safety guidance.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 25/01/2023 16:24

Babies are not toys to be passed around for people to play with. Ten weeks is still pretty tiny. You have to do what you are comfortable with - your baby your rules. It's important that new mothers have no cause for anxiety.

CecilyP · 25/01/2023 16:24

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2023 08:00

If you leave baby with your mum for 2 hours but are not willing to do the same with Mil then I'm not at all surprised MIL is hurt and upset.

It's a rotten way to behave.

No it’s not! The baby is not a toy to be shared out equally between 2 rivals. And MIL is not a child so shouldn’t be moaning, ‘it’s not fair’.

Justalittlebitduckling · 25/01/2023 16:26

YNBU. Sensible mother in laws know they come second, rather than pushing themselves to babysit. Mine understood this and just said… I want you to know if you ever need me I’ll be there like a shot. She looks after our little one quite a lot now.

BlueBooh · 25/01/2023 16:28

What does your DH think about this? Or does he not get a say whether his mum can babysit, as it's your baby?

GrinAndVomit · 25/01/2023 16:34

Your baby is ten weeks old. It’s completely up to you who leave the baby with. You leave them with who you feel most comfortable or you’ll just be worrying the whole time you’re away.

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2023 16:35

Its amazing that some of these babies have fathers.

Yet somehow these dangerous MILS somehow managed to get all these DH's to adulthood to father the next generation that they are not allowed unsupervised access too.

Just remember that one day you will be a MIL with an uptight DIL protecting her PFB from you.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 25/01/2023 16:36

Personally I have never known a man be nervous about handing a baby over to a babysitter..

diddl · 25/01/2023 16:36

I'm making a guess that atm Op is on maternity leave & does most of the childcare.

As such she decides who to leave the baby with & when.

She doesn't have to even things out-especially if she can't trust her Mil!

Not doing childcare doesn't mean that Mil won't have a relationship with her GD.

2bazookas · 25/01/2023 16:36

The very next time MIL disregards/ignores/over-rides your babycare preference just tell it to her #straight " MIL, we've talked about this. I told you I want her to XYZ/ I asked you NOT to do XYZ.

Either you do it our way, or you won't get to babysit. "

You might ask your mother to have a word with her on that score.

rothbury · 25/01/2023 16:37

YANBU. However, why does MIL know your DM has had your baby? I think it's unkind to highlight this.

HoboHippo · 25/01/2023 16:39

Some of these responses are ridiculous. It is not on that OP's MIL tried to refuse to hand her baby back when hungry nor that she tried to ignore OP about the coat in the car seat. OP is totally within her rights to not want anyone babysitting her child unless she feels comfortable with that. Same should apply to her own mum - if her DH doesn't feel comfortable with the arrangement, that should also be respected. Such nonsense about making sure the grandparents get "fair" treatment and such entitlement from some who are clearly MILs themselves; no grandparent is entitled to any alone time with their grandchild! Totally up to the parents.

HoboHippo · 25/01/2023 16:42

@MajorCarolDanvers it simply is not a rotten way to behave. The MIL has ZERO entitlement to do childcare, no matter how many hours OP's mum does. Utterly ridiculous.

TurquoiseDress · 25/01/2023 16:43

BeardieWeirdie · 25/01/2023 01:49

You don’t have to pass your tiny baby over to anyone.

This is ultimately what it all comes down to!

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2023 16:44

HoboHippo · 25/01/2023 16:42

@MajorCarolDanvers it simply is not a rotten way to behave. The MIL has ZERO entitlement to do childcare, no matter how many hours OP's mum does. Utterly ridiculous.

Remember that when you are a MIL

Roselilly36 · 25/01/2023 16:44

What does your DH/DP say about it?

Emmamoo89 · 25/01/2023 16:44

YANBU X

TwoThingsAndAThimble · 25/01/2023 16:58

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2023 16:35

Its amazing that some of these babies have fathers.

Yet somehow these dangerous MILS somehow managed to get all these DH's to adulthood to father the next generation that they are not allowed unsupervised access too.

Just remember that one day you will be a MIL with an uptight DIL protecting her PFB from you.

I hope I have the privilege of being an MIL and a Grandmother. And when I am, I'll be there to support my DIL as a new Mum, including respecting her boundaries and following her wishes about how her baby should be looked after.

My MIL and I don't see eye to eye. She can be over-bearing and pushy and it instantly gets my back up. But the biggest thing she ever did for me was take a step back when DS was born. She just got it. She knew what it was like to be an anxious new Mum. She understood that I didn't want my newborn out of my sight and that it wasn't personal. She remembered that feeling of just being so physically wrecked and not wanting people in your space all the time after giving birth. I have so much gratitude and respect for how she handled the situation, she wasn't grabby with baby, she listened to all my nit-picky new Mum rules, she asked permission before doing anything: In short, she understood that this was MY baby. And it gave me so much respect for he that she wasn't grabby or pushy. And what do you know, she earned my trust so quickly that way, that now she's the only person I'd leave DS with (other than DH of course!)

CatA27 · 25/01/2023 17:02

It's natural that you feel more comfortable with your own mum but (and I say this as a mum of 1 daughter and 3 sons, all grown up) I would suggest you work towards increasing your trust in MIL's capability. Assuming that they both live close enough to be of use to help then there will be times when you need them. For example, the other day my daughters childcare failed for my 2 grandsons age 1 & 3(nursery hadn't booked them in) and she rang me to see if I could have them. I couldn't and sadly her partners relationship with his mum is such that she's never looked after them so they couldn't go there 😔

HoboHippo · 25/01/2023 17:06

@MajorCarolDanvers I certainly will, but not for the reasons you think 🙄

Rowen32 · 25/01/2023 17:09

These threads always go the same way OP, you can predict every response - you don't have to have anyone mind your baby that you're not comfortable with... Why does your mil even know your Mum is minding baby? Just do what you want, there's plenty of time for everything in the future..

Chaz5rascals · 25/01/2023 17:13

Oh wow the granny brigade is out in force today! Every person who has commented something sarcastic or ignorant like “you’ll be a MIL with grand children one day” or “you are being unfair allowing one grandmother to babysit and not the other” or “you’ll soon go running to MIL when you need a babysitter” or “your MIL was good enough to bring up your husband but not babysit his baby” should prepare themselves for the same treatment by their DIL one day because they clearly can’t respect or understand what a woman might want for her own baby!
Do what you feel is best and if this woman thinks it’s acceptable to ignore you then she doesn’t deserve to babysit a bloody fish never mind a human child! Stupid woman shouldn’t be so up herself. I would personally talk to her openly about the issues and insist she spends time with you and your baby so she gets to know you as a parent and can follow the same rules for the sake of the baby.

ChickenDhansak82 · 25/01/2023 17:14

I think YABU if you have no genuine reason not to.

You may trust your own mother more, but then I'm guessing your OH would trust HIS mother more for the same reasons, and it's his baby too...

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, as you might need your MIL for childcare and/or babysitting in the future...

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