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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want MIL to babysit (yet)

168 replies

DeeDeeDaisy · 25/01/2023 00:07

My DD is 10 weeks old. I have left her for a few hours with my mum once and am leaving her with my mum again for 3 hours this week.
MIL seems miffed that I've asked my own mum and not her. Asked me if she can have her next time.

I'm not opposed to MIL ever looking after her granddaughter. But my baby is still tiny and I'm the one who is with her 24/7 and knows her better than anyone. I trust my mum more than I trust MIL. I know that if I tell my mum to do something a certain way with regards to my DD, she will do it. With MIL, I'm not so sure. She doesn't always listen to me and has done things in the past eg put baby in the carseat in her coat even though I told her the guidance nowadays says not to do that. She just acted as if she didn't hear me and proceeded to pit the coat on - I had to take it off. Or telling me my baby was tired and standing up trying to rock her to sleep. I told her 3 times she was hungry and she just wouldn't give me my baby back until I reached out for her.

One day she can babysit. But not yet. AIBU?

OP posts:
BunchHarman · 25/01/2023 08:09

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2023 08:00

If you leave baby with your mum for 2 hours but are not willing to do the same with Mil then I'm not at all surprised MIL is hurt and upset.

It's a rotten way to behave.

Even when her MIL rides roughshod over the OP, and deliberately ignores her over Safety advice, like coats in car seats?

Nah. The MIL fucked it by doing that.

BashfulClam · 25/01/2023 08:15

All these ones saying op ibu obviously didn’t read the op. Op told mil not to put dc in a cost as that dangerous in a car seat mil did it anyway, she told mil that dc was hungry and had to ask for her back. If mil ignores her when she is right there , she doesn’t get ti have the baby. I’d tell her that she has ignored your instructions on a few occasions which made you uncomfortable.

Olinguita · 25/01/2023 08:16

Not unreasonable. The baby is still very small and fragile and is not a toy to be shared around .
I didn't leave my baby alone with MIL for similar reasons. She has absolutely no instinct for child safety. Once I left him with her downstairs for 15 mins while I had a shower. I came down to find her standing over the gas hob stirring pots while holding my newborn, who was draped in a trailing woollen shawl that was perilously close to the open flame. She also used to shove soft toys next to his face while he slept in his pram even though I told her repeatedly that current advice is that this is unsafe.
I made sure she had absolute loads of time with the baby, including inviting her to spend days with me when I was on mat leave and DH was at work. but I just didn't let her look after him alone. It would have been frankly irresponsible as a parent for me to do so.

MissyB1 · 25/01/2023 08:20

You will provide be a Grandma and Mil yourself one day OP, just saying……

Shelby2010 · 25/01/2023 08:41

I don’t get the logic of people saying that OP may be a MIL one day… How she treats her MIL today will have no effect on how her future DIL treats her. Except, that she will be more understanding of how protective new parents are and, hopefully, will know the importance of giving confidence that she will follow the parents wishes implicitly. Even if she disagrees with what will then be ‘new-fangled modern nonsense’.

Just don’t be too obvious that your mum is having the baby on her own.

TrophyWifey · 25/01/2023 08:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sageadviceservices · 25/01/2023 08:54

BunchHarman · 25/01/2023 07:23

Your MIL has already been overbearing, so no. You don’t have to be ‘fair’. Frankly, you can choose to do what you like with your own child.

As can the father

Why do you think mothers own their children?

BunchHarman · 25/01/2023 08:59

Sageadviceservices · 25/01/2023 08:54

As can the father

Why do you think mothers own their children?

Show quote history

Get a grip. Who said the mother ‘owned’ the baby? You. Not I.

However, mothers do tend to be the majority caregivers at this age and at ten weeks the father has likely returned to work.

Anyway, this is irrelevant. The point is, should you care to exercise some reading and comprehension skills, the MIL refused to give the baby back when it was hungry, she ignored the OP and placed the baby in a car seat in a coat. Two issues which mean the OP is not unjust to not feel comfortable leaving her very small baby with this woman. And I’m sure those feelings would apply whoever the fuck it was that was who had behaved that way.

Sageadviceservices · 25/01/2023 09:05

BunchHarman · 25/01/2023 08:59

Get a grip. Who said the mother ‘owned’ the baby? You. Not I.

However, mothers do tend to be the majority caregivers at this age and at ten weeks the father has likely returned to work.

Anyway, this is irrelevant. The point is, should you care to exercise some reading and comprehension skills, the MIL refused to give the baby back when it was hungry, she ignored the OP and placed the baby in a car seat in a coat. Two issues which mean the OP is not unjust to not feel comfortable leaving her very small baby with this woman. And I’m sure those feelings would apply whoever the fuck it was that was who had behaved that way.

Show quote history

Then what did you mean by ‘you can choose to do what you like with your own child.’

Its not just the OPs child

The child has 2 parents, who both can make decisions on who cares for said child

BunchHarman · 25/01/2023 09:12

Sageadviceservices · 25/01/2023 09:05

Then what did you mean by ‘you can choose to do what you like with your own child.’

Its not just the OPs child

The child has 2 parents, who both can make decisions on who cares for said child

Show quote history

It was the general ‘you’. Christ almighty.

As in, as a parent, you get to decide what you want to do with your own child.

CloudPop · 25/01/2023 09:21

What is this obsession that people seem to have with spending time alone with their newborn grandchildren. Why can't they spend time together with the baby and its parents ?

Sageadviceservices · 25/01/2023 09:22

CloudPop · 25/01/2023 09:21

What is this obsession that people seem to have with spending time alone with their newborn grandchildren. Why can't they spend time together with the baby and its parents ?

Because some parents are annoying and you want to spend time with the baby?

RayaRyder · 25/01/2023 09:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2023 09:26

Stop telling your MIL everything single thing you do and you won't have this problem.

Hatscats · 25/01/2023 09:30

Until she can follow basic safety instructions eg coats in the car then I would only be allowing supervised time with the baby.
imagine if something bad happened, you’d never forgive yourself or her!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 25/01/2023 09:30

Imo many dh's would happily hand over dc to their batshit dm's to keep the peace (with dm not dw!)

BunchHarman · 25/01/2023 10:30

Sageadviceservices · 25/01/2023 09:22

Because some parents are annoying and you want to spend time with the baby?

Show quote history

Ah. Your weird posting has become clearer.

yousmellnice · 25/01/2023 10:31

CloudPop · 25/01/2023 09:21

What is this obsession that people seem to have with spending time alone with their newborn grandchildren. Why can't they spend time together with the baby and its parents ?

Yeah I don't get it. Either you want to see the baby or you don't. Why pretend their parents don't exist.

CloudPop · 25/01/2023 10:50

@Sageadviceservices and you don't find anything in that position odd at all?

Scotty12 · 25/01/2023 15:55

YANBU. Your baby, your rules. Don’t let her push you around. Have your husband talk to her if needs be.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/01/2023 15:58

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 25/01/2023 02:02

Just dont tell her?

Agree

Wtfmumm · 25/01/2023 16:01

Your mil is a many years experienced mother, a more experienced mother than yourself in fact. She raised at least one child to adult hood successfully, and in fact did such a good job, you’ve decided to spend the rest of your life with him. I don’t understand your reasoning behind not wanting to let her care for her grandson. The coat in the car seat is easily remedied, explain guidance has changed and it’s now deemed safer to not have babies wearing coats in car seats, this would not have been he case when she raised her family. But if she’s not taking child anywhere, it’s a complete non issue. You can theorise all the problems in the world but in reality, she has a proven track record. Unless there is something underlying in family history that makes you feel she is an unsafe carer for your child and reason to believe she would not put the child’s best interest first and foremost in her care of the child, then I think you are being entirely unreasonable about not allowing her to have the child for an hour or two

maryxanne · 25/01/2023 16:09

ignore the comments saying you're unreasonable for trusting your DM and not MIL, if MIL has given you multiple reasons to not trust her. if she doesn't listen, that's her own fault. Just like if it were your DM doing that, it would be her own fault.
just make sure that you're sticking to your decision, for the right reasons (your MIL isn't trustworthy with the baby and not because of your preference).

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2023 16:13

Your mil is a many years experienced mother, a more experienced mother than yourself in fact.

That's wonderful. It's also completely irrelevant. This is the op's baby, not the MIL's. The op gets to decide what she's comfortable with regarding her baby.

Freeme31 · 25/01/2023 16:16

Shame your husband has no say what so ever in who can look after HIS child, she must have done a terrible job with him ! Pick your battles - and realise how selfish you are being