Don't want MIL to babysit (yet)

[DeeDeeDaisy]

My DD is 10 weeks old. I have left her for a few hours with my mum once and am leaving her with my mum again for 3 hours this week.
MIL seems miffed that I've asked my own mum and not her. Asked me if she can have her next time.

I'm not opposed to MIL ever looking after her granddaughter. But my baby is still tiny and I'm the one who is with her 24/7 and knows her better than anyone. I trust my mum more than I trust MIL. I know that if I tell my mum to do something a certain way with regards to my DD, she will do it. With MIL, I'm not so sure. She doesn't always listen to me and has done things in the past eg put baby in the carseat in her coat even though I told her the guidance nowadays says not to do that. She just acted as if she didn't hear me and proceeded to pit the coat on - I had to take it off. Or telling me my baby was tired and standing up trying to rock her to sleep. I told her 3 times she was hungry and she just wouldn't give me my baby back until I reached out for her.

One day she can babysit. But not yet. AIBU?

It would be almost impossible not to take this personally.
I'm sorry, but YABU.

Precisely ! Be part of the family, not demanding sole offsite charge of the child

Did you bother to read the OP or did you just read the title and assume MIL is being hard done by?

There is no way on earth I would let anyone have unsupervised care of my child if they had shown themselves to be untrustworthy, which MIL has done here.

So you would trust someone who openly ignores your parenting and won’t return your baby when you have asked repeatedly for them to do so?

Sure.

Your MIL sounds a bit immature. She’s your baby, it’s your choice. There will be plenty of opportunities when your baby is a bit older and you feel more comfortable. It’s not nice to be put in a position where you’re not being listened to. Ask your partner to have a word. Never to early to set boundaries.

I braved it and left my son with MIL and she didn’t feed him for 6 hours 😂 so my recommendations is trust your gut and it doesn’t matter what others think or feel, our relationship is now 10x worse than it was before because she said she did nothing wrong.

I can see why MIL is miffed but I would be the same if I knew she'd disregard what I had asked.

Next time she moans about this I'd say something along the lines of "it's not that I don't want you to have her but while she's so little there's things I feel conscious of and I've been through them all with my mum and made her promise to stick to my preferences". She might get the message. Or better yet , get your dh to just tell her straight...she can't have the baby until she respects your wishes as her parents, especially on things regarding her safety, Iike coats in a car seat.

From the beginning I've tried to give both sets of grandparents equal babysitting duties as both love it and are eager to support us. I have one set of grandparents that clearly follow my instructions faaaaaar better than the other which is frustrating so I see where you are coming from OP. It drives me nuts. I am trying to pinpoint one or two changes each time they mind her and am being stern about those things, building it up over time.

Just don’t respond to her complaints as she’s being unreasonable. I’m surprised you were comfortable leaving 10 week old with anyone else even your own Mum, my 14 week baby has never been away from us

Your baby is very young and it’s normal to feel this way. You are going to trust your own mum more, its natural. Hopefully MIL will calm down a bit and understand to take the backseat for just a little while. Doesnt make her any less of a grandmother.

my MIL went absolutely insane when this happened to me. Couldnt understand why my mum was one of my birthing partners and not her, would be demanding alone time and ringing my husband in the middle of the night saying i was wicked for not allowing her precious alone time. We now barely speak due to the way she treated me. Hopefully your MIL will be more understanding

@Courtneydoes thats shocking, how old was he?!

She tried to put the baby in the car seat unsafely against mother's wishes AND refused to return baby when requested

Christ alive. You would think by some of the posts here that MILs have never even seen a baby let alone raised one of their own with some degree of success.

@Blackheath95 i do agree with MILs get a particularly hard time on here and yes they did manage to raise their kids and obviously quite well if we have chosen them as partners 🤣 but the thing is research into safe child practice is constantly changing and being updated. The things we see as safe now will be different by the time our kids are having kids. So my MIL telling me what she did 30 years ago isn't exactly helpful now. Especially car seat practices given the roads are so much more dangerous these days!

This isn't about all MILs.

This is about OP's MIL who has shown disregard to car safety guidance, and repeatedly ignoring OP when she ask her to pass her back when she was hungry.

Could also say some posters think family members should be able to disregard the parents of a baby/ child just because they raised one. Things change over time and some things that were once seen as safe have been proven to be unsafe.

Idgaf who you are, a mother should not have to tell someone repeatedly to give them their baby back or to not do something that is unsafe. It is really not difficult to listen, acknowledge, and do what the parents are telling you about their own child and to respect simple boundaries. It’s not only rude but extremely disrespectful to the parents and the last thing a new mum needs to deal with.

You are not being unreasonable. Mother in laws can be pains in the arse! I'm just thankful that I have a daughter and will never be the PIA mother in law (this is all to be taken tongue in cheek) x

Any adult who doesn't follow a Mums rules shouldn't be trusted with a baby.

Will you be ignoring health and safety advice when your a MIL? Do you think babies should be transported in car seats with coats?