Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want MIL to babysit (yet)

168 replies

DeeDeeDaisy · 25/01/2023 00:07

My DD is 10 weeks old. I have left her for a few hours with my mum once and am leaving her with my mum again for 3 hours this week.
MIL seems miffed that I've asked my own mum and not her. Asked me if she can have her next time.

I'm not opposed to MIL ever looking after her granddaughter. But my baby is still tiny and I'm the one who is with her 24/7 and knows her better than anyone. I trust my mum more than I trust MIL. I know that if I tell my mum to do something a certain way with regards to my DD, she will do it. With MIL, I'm not so sure. She doesn't always listen to me and has done things in the past eg put baby in the carseat in her coat even though I told her the guidance nowadays says not to do that. She just acted as if she didn't hear me and proceeded to pit the coat on - I had to take it off. Or telling me my baby was tired and standing up trying to rock her to sleep. I told her 3 times she was hungry and she just wouldn't give me my baby back until I reached out for her.

One day she can babysit. But not yet. AIBU?

OP posts:
tobi21 · 25/01/2023 06:23

YANBU

the sense of entitlement from some grandparents is crazy

35965a · 25/01/2023 06:25

YANBU if you can’t trust her to listen to you - especially with something to do with safety - she doesn’t babysit

Amore2 · 25/01/2023 06:26

Wait until you feel ready. She should be listening to you about modern safety guidelines re coats and car seats. That’s important and not being ‘precious’ as a pp put it. In the same breath, I do feel for her a bit (as I am a massive people-pleaser and my mil moved in with us for 2 weeks after the birth of our first DC as they live 500 miles away so a few boundaries were crossed there but she was very helpful mainly!!). It depends what your relationship is like with her, if you could say, I would love you to look after DC but you need to take her coat off etc… and then trust her to listen, only you know how you feel. Maybe start with leaving her for an hour or two at first when DC is 12 weeks and build up if of it goes well?

yousmellnice · 25/01/2023 06:28

Holly60 · 25/01/2023 06:09

I think a lot of new mums feel like this and it is normal. However I think a lot of paternal grandmothers who have to take the back seat when the first baby is tiny, find the second baby thrown at them at a few hours old 😂.

I know I felt that way. With my first I didn't give the baby to anyone, really, but did feel very relaxed with my own mother. By the time my second came along I'd seen the amazing bond my MIL had with my first, seen her love my baby to death, and so the first time she came over post baby 2, I threw the newborn at her on my way up to have a bath...

I think it's worth remembering OP that she did bring up your husband, and so presumably does know what she is doing.

That said she absolutely needs to respect your wishes, so tell her very clearly what you expect and that she needs to do that if she wants to care for your baby.

She doesnt. She tried to put a baby in a car seat with their coat on.

yousmellnice · 25/01/2023 06:30

Yousee · 25/01/2023 06:19

I'd favour a babysitter who didn't ignore my simple instructions on the most basic safety concerns too.
A baby relies on its mother to control all elements of it's life so not sure what's negative about that either.
Better that than letting anyone just do as they like with your tiny baby.

This.

And its only a couple of hours. Why is she so desperate to have your child on her own for a couple of hours? Isn't visiting with you around enough?

SerialFaffer · 25/01/2023 06:34

I agree with other posters that, without any issues, this would be unfair treatment of your MIL - however, proceeding to put your baby in a car seat in her coat and pretending not to hear you tell her not to do that gives me cause for concern (the incident where she ignored you and didn’t give your baby back when she was hungry too, but less so than the car seat incident). Personally, I would have made it very clear that putting the baby in their car seat with a coat on is unsafe for a number of reasons, so MIL potentially intentionally putting your baby at risk for her own power struggle makes me nervous.

ChubbyCapybara · 25/01/2023 06:38

I don't really understand PP who mention fairness towards MIL. Under the circumstances OP described, of course she should be allowed to see and spend time with her grandchild, but provided she gets that, she has no right to claim unsupervised time with the baby. And as a parent responsible for the child's wellbeing and safety, OP is completely reasonable to deny her that, when MIL doesn't comply with safety notions or doesn't follow her instructions.
This has nothing to do with the fact that it's MIL vs DM, the same concept would apply if the roles were reversed. It's about trusting someone to look after your child in the way you deem appropriate, and trust is to be earned, not owed.

pilates · 25/01/2023 06:46

I think it is natural for a daughter to lean more towards her mum but it must be hurtful for your mil

DaveyJonesLocker · 25/01/2023 06:48

Your child is not a toy that has to be shared fairly. My DS isn't left with anyone that doesn't listen to me. No matter who that is.

Sugargliderwombat · 25/01/2023 06:49

Agree with the PP completely that your baby is not a doll to be shared around. Just don't tell her.

SadButTheTruth · 25/01/2023 06:52

There should be fairness in visiting etc so that your DC can form good relationships with both grandparents. However, if MIL can’t be trusted to care for DC safely then your duty of fairness stops there. My DH desperately wanted his mum as involved as mine but admitted defeat after several incidents where our then baby was just unsafe and MIL argued that she knew what she was doing and DH had to stop telling her what to do. For full disclosure, us having kids was the beginning of the end of DH’s relationship with her though. I hope the car seat thing was just a blip on the part of your MIL.

EsmeSusanOgg · 25/01/2023 06:55

saraclara · 25/01/2023 00:29

Six months? Seriously?
That would be a recipe for unnecessarily difficult relationships all round. If the maternal grandma has had the baby twice already at just over two months old, you can't many paternal grandma wait that long PLUS another four months! She's not done anything to deserve that.

Show quote history

She ignored mum on multiple occasions. If she cannot be trusted to listen when parents are there, I would not trust her alone. Not until the baby is bigger/ less fragile.

EsmeSusanOgg · 25/01/2023 06:56

SadButTheTruth · 25/01/2023 06:52

There should be fairness in visiting etc so that your DC can form good relationships with both grandparents. However, if MIL can’t be trusted to care for DC safely then your duty of fairness stops there. My DH desperately wanted his mum as involved as mine but admitted defeat after several incidents where our then baby was just unsafe and MIL argued that she knew what she was doing and DH had to stop telling her what to do. For full disclosure, us having kids was the beginning of the end of DH’s relationship with her though. I hope the car seat thing was just a blip on the part of your MIL.

This.

Lulu2171 · 25/01/2023 07:01

NessieMcNessface · 25/01/2023 03:41

Your baby is only ten weeks old and it’s important that you feel confident about who you leave her with. Therefore it’s perfectly understandable that you might prefer to leave with your own Mum at the moment. Your MIL should understand this and not be putting pressure on you asking to have her. It’s nice of her to offer but you don’t have to accept if you’re not happy. I’m not in this position yet but if and when my DIL
has a baby, I fully expect and accept that her Mum will be playing a bigger part, although I will of course offer to help in any way I can. I’m also concerned that your MIL doesn’t follow what you’ve asked her to do; your baby, your rules.

Finally a voice of reason!

OP I reckon there's a lot of pointy self interest from other PPs. Get your DH on board to liaise with his DM, you've got your hands full enough without that being your job too.

gavisconismyfriend · 25/01/2023 07:16

Why does your MIL know your mum is looking after your baby for a few hours? Not suggesting you lie, but just wondering if sharing this type of information is really necessary/helpful?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 25/01/2023 07:19

Taking turns is what kids do with dolls. Not real dc.. Your mil is ridiculous.

BunchHarman · 25/01/2023 07:23

Your MIL has already been overbearing, so no. You don’t have to be ‘fair’. Frankly, you can choose to do what you like with your own child.

Username24680 · 25/01/2023 07:39

I’m afraid in this house, my child’s safety comes before anyone’s feelings 🤷🏻‍♀️

My MIL openly tells me (and Everyone else) that she thinks I’m “ridiculously overprotective”. She doesn’t believe in most modern safety guidelines - rear facing car seats, coats in car seats, cutting food (grapes etc!), allergies (🤯 - they’re just fussy eaters!). We have an open door so she can come and visit DS(2) as much as she pleases - as can any other family members, but she doesn’t get left alone with him.
She is often invited along to days out etc and spends the whole time saying that she can’t wait just to take DS away and have days of “Grans Rules” instead of mummy’s silly rules 😂
When he was a breastfed newborn we had many occasions where he needed fed and she’s refused to hand him back when he needed a feed (“no no, he can’t be hungry if he fed less than 4 hours ago. I’ll give him to you when it’s time”) 🤣 She also comments all the time on his weight now that he’s older. Out for a family meal etc and she’ll set to DS “oh, you need to be careful - If your eat all that you’ll end up with a big tummy!” 🙄

DH and I have both spoken to her on many occasions and it goes in one ear and out the other 🤷🏻‍♀️ She can spend as much supervised time with him as she wants - I’d love them to have a great relationship and at the end of the day, my issues with her are not DSs issues 🤷🏻‍♀️ But I don’t trust her alone with him while he’s young.

I haven’t had much of a relationship with my own parents since I was a teen so it’s not a DM vs MIL situation.

Cuppasoupmonster · 25/01/2023 07:43

No, no and no again. MIL took DD for a few hours from around 10 or 11 months old, and overnight from about 18.

10 weeks is nuts. Please stick up for your baby, they won’t want to be separated from you yet. What is with all these controlling MILs?

cptartapp · 25/01/2023 07:49

Trust your instincts in the early weeks. Against better judgement we left DC1 with PIL for a few hours to find him screaming with hunger on our return. They hadn't fed him because 'it hadn't been four hours'.
Your DH should be the one to speak to her.
Walks out with the pram would be a nice compromise but don't put her off too long. We had zero offers of help and I was so mentally drained by four months I went back to work for a break.

Renlea · 25/01/2023 07:58

YABU

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2023 08:00

If you leave baby with your mum for 2 hours but are not willing to do the same with Mil then I'm not at all surprised MIL is hurt and upset.

It's a rotten way to behave.

BashfulClam · 25/01/2023 08:05

@MajorCarolDanvers dir you miss the reason why. Op told mil not to put the baby is a car seat with a coat as it’s a safety risk, mil did it anyway. If she’s willing to ignore the parents when they are in the same room what else will she ignore them on?

W0tnow · 25/01/2023 08:08

I have a son and daughters. I assume, all things being equal, that my future dil is going to prefer her own mum in the early days, for all sorts of things. Like I preferred mine. I don’t think your preferences are unfair or unusual.

yousmellnice · 25/01/2023 08:09

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/01/2023 08:00

If you leave baby with your mum for 2 hours but are not willing to do the same with Mil then I'm not at all surprised MIL is hurt and upset.

It's a rotten way to behave.

Maybe MIL should actually listen to OPs concerns.

OP isn't ready and that's ok. I really struggled to let anyone look after my DC initially and even then only let my mum look after them for an hour initially. It can take time to build up the ability to be apart from your child. Especially if it's your first.

Swipe left for the next trending thread