Don't want MIL to babysit (yet)

[DeeDeeDaisy]

My DD is 10 weeks old. I have left her for a few hours with my mum once and am leaving her with my mum again for 3 hours this week.
MIL seems miffed that I've asked my own mum and not her. Asked me if she can have her next time.

I'm not opposed to MIL ever looking after her granddaughter. But my baby is still tiny and I'm the one who is with her 24/7 and knows her better than anyone. I trust my mum more than I trust MIL. I know that if I tell my mum to do something a certain way with regards to my DD, she will do it. With MIL, I'm not so sure. She doesn't always listen to me and has done things in the past eg put baby in the carseat in her coat even though I told her the guidance nowadays says not to do that. She just acted as if she didn't hear me and proceeded to pit the coat on - I had to take it off. Or telling me my baby was tired and standing up trying to rock her to sleep. I told her 3 times she was hungry and she just wouldn't give me my baby back until I reached out for her.

One day she can babysit. But not yet. AIBU?

First of all, no one is entitled to alone time with someone else's baby/child. That includes grandparents.

The issue that the finger-wagging, you'll be a MIL one day! brigade keep conveniently ignoring is that MIL has shown herself to be untrustworthy.

Yes, she raised a son who is still alive. Well done her. But she also persisted in dressing OP's baby in a coat before placing her in a car seat, even after OP told her that this was unsafe. And she tried to prevent OP from feeding her baby, even after OP told her she was hungry. This is not the behaviour of someone you would trust with your baby, particular one who is still very small and vulnerable.

A baby is not a plaything.

My GC is 7 weeks old and I'll be looking after him for a few hours in 4 weeks time. I've worked hard to build trust with my DIL and make sure I don't give unwanted / un-needed advice. I will be following the instructions I'm given to a T when I look after him.

I only trusted my mum to look after my own children, so I understand what it feels like from both sides.

I think you need to talk to her (or DH does) and build on the trust between you. Ultimately, she not intentionally trying to hurt your child.

'Don't have a clue' is a a bit extreme, but generally speaking mothers have a better understanding of their babies than their fathers do. Largely down to mothers traditionally having a much longer maternity leave period (vs. paternity).

My partner is very hands on with our baby but even he would say that I know a lot more about our baby than he does.

I’m fairly sure the “you’ll be a MIL one day”brigade have piss poor relationships with their DILs and that’s why they’re venting on here- why would you get so cross about someone else’s situation unless it reflected your own?

@MajorCarolDanvers Are you my MIL?!

Also, to the “it’s your DH’s baby too”crew - I assumed OP knew that and these were agreed feelings for both of them, but maybe I am wrong. In my situation DH was desperate for MIL to be involved and she consistently refused to follow his requests (not just mine, definitely ours as he was more careful and PFB than me) and he got fed up with it. You just know, even if the style of caring is a bit different, who will look after your baby the way you do/like to do.

Yes and no.

MIL has the same generic relationship and love for the baby as your mum. It’s so easy to default to our own mums but what if the tables were turned? If it was your child making that sort of decision and your grandchild?

Equally of course she has to listen to your rules and guidance. No question.

So I’d say look for ways to work this out. Can Gran babysit at your house whilst you do something, no car and your equipment? Or more sensibly can you ask your partner to have a word with his mum along the lines of ‘we really want to do this but we’re a little concerned so if we trust you can I have your promise’. Proper grown up communication.

I don’t know why this is a MIL vs Mom thing. Seems to me it’s a, this person ignored safety concerns repeatedly and refused to give baby back repeatedly vs this person has respected the baby’s mother and rules thing.

I wouldn’t care who it is, someone who refuses to adhere to safety protocols and flat out ignores the parent doesn’t babysit. Why would anyone trust their baby with someone like that?

As a MIL I was kept at arms length when baby was tiny. I really felt this badly and felt I wasn’t trusted to have him. Now I have both children while DIL and DS work. I don’t think it’s about not trusting the MIL but you are bound to go to your own Mum for help while baby is so young. All I’ll say is try not to push her out you might need her later on. It’s hard when you are a MIL, it’s an exciting time but easy to feel left out. Maybe include her more when you and your Mum are there so she sees how you like things done. She just needs clear ground rules and to stick to them.

I’m fairly sure the “you’ll be a MIL one day”brigade have piss poor relationships with their DILs and that’s why they’re venting on here- why would you get so cross about someone else’s situation unless it reflected your own?

@SadButTheTruth I get cross about MILs being left out, and I have no sons. I have daughters and I have two small granddaughters. For reasons beyond anyone's control (Covid), I got to see a lot of my baby DGD for a long period when her other grandmother was unable to. I really felt for DD's MIL. It was no-ones fault, but I felt quite guilty that she was missing out so much.

So yes, I can sympathise with MILs who are left out, despite not being a MIL to a new mother myself.

Depends.

What I notice in many cases on here is that those MILs left out didn’t try to establish a relationship with the DIL or even thought about their DIL until a baby came along and then “shocked” that DIL isn’t comfortable around them or doesn’t particularly trust them . Add in DILs going through fourth trimester and those MILs still seeing their DILs as afterthoughts on top of ignoring them as they adjust to life with a newborn and recovering, of course they’re not going to be included as much and offences (intentional or not) are going to come up.

Those MILs who do actually try to establish a relationship before babies and were rebuffed repeatedly, I feel sympathy for.

True, I also see it a lot where it happens the other way round- MIL favours their own daughter once she has kids and the DIL/other grandkids feel sidelined. It’s tricky.

As someone who has a useless mum and MIL.

I can assure you, it's a good problem to have. Good clear communication is what will help alleviate your concerns.

This the problem with MIL threads. Some users choose to believe that the MIL is being hard done by, regardless of the context. Which further reinforces the negative MIL vs. DIL narrative. And yes, you do see it go the other way too - the threads titled what's the craziest thing your MIL has done? etc are plain nasty IMO.

Interesting that you have chosen to describe this as MIL being left out. I see this, objectively speaking, as a mum who isn't comfortable leaving their child in the care of someone who has repeatedly ignored her in regards to basic feeding and car seat safety. Which is fair enough. I wouldn't either.

This is exactly it in my case. Zero interest or effort made for a decade, then wonders why it's not natural to instantly trust someone at one of the most vulnerable times of your life, with someone who's essentially a faraway acquaintance. Compounded by an open disdain for a new mothers feelings/wishes/anxieties and a snatchy approach. Which escalates into some weird power struggle and attention seeking.

When my sons are older I will ensure I pay an interest in partners from the off, build relationships based on them rather than GC, make myself available but not intrusive following childbirth, care about the mother and her birth experience/recovery and respect every single parenting decision. That way I know i'll have done by best by my family, DILs and my sons.

@KittyCatChat you sound sane, sensible and caring. Can you be my MIL?

He's probably not allowed to think, if he were allowed then he may prefer his mother rather than his MIL care for his child, trustung her more.

I disagree. It's more probable that he doesn't need to ask anyone to care for his child. It is OP who has needed to ask, presumably to enable her to do something like go to the dentist or hairdresser. Her DP is probably free to do those things without thinking about it because he knows OP is caring for their child.

YABU
fair enough if you wouldn't leave the baby with anyone. Unless your MIL is incompetent, you are being unfair. They are both the baby's grandparents.

She has shown herself to be incompetent though?

She doesn't always listen to me and has done things in the past eg put baby in the carseat in her coat even though I told her the guidance nowadays says not to do that. She just acted as if she didn't hear me and proceeded to put the coat on - I had to take it off. Or telling me my baby was tired and standing up trying to rock her to sleep. I told her 3 times she was hungry and she just wouldn't give me my baby back until I reached out for her.

I would call not giving a mother her baby back and ignoring what she is telling you about her own baby as incompetent.

No one would be ok with this if a child minder or daycare personnel did this, yet family member get a pass because their blood and out of some weird power play and supposed fairness.

All MIL has to do is listen to OP about her own baby, not exactly a difficult or hard ask.

*they’re

Absolutely not. At that age you do what feels right to you. You need to listen to your own feelings. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your child with someone then don't do it. Totally understandable that you should feel happy leaving baby with your mum at this point but no-one else. Your baby is still really young. Anyone with half an ounce of common sense would realise this and not take offense. It's a first step to you being comfortable leaving your baby with anyone else. However paternal grandmother is still your child's grandmother. Maybe invite her over to look after the baby while you have a sleep or a bath or just watch some TV. But it has to be something you feel comfortable with. Number one rule as a mum is never put your child in a situation you feel uncomfortable with. It's really easy to overlook that rule because you want to make other people happy, but listen to your body, listen to your feelings, listen to your mother's instinct. It exists for a reason.

Same here.
I’ve learnt from her mistakes. I always treated my brother’s girlfriends as if they’re going to be in my life permanently. Included in plans, treated equally at Christmas, asked to meet for lunch and coffees etc. Now he’s with one who probably will be and we have a lovely relationship.
I’ll do the same when it’s my sons’ turns.

You are being very unreasonable! Imagine how your MIL feels about this and you will only want her to have baby when it’s convenient for you! I know so many women who’s DIL’s treat them like this and it’s appalling. That child is as much her grandchild as she is your mums. Please do not be one of this DIL’s, let her be involved you’ll find you have a much better relationship if you do.

How is the OP in the wrong though? MIL not giving OP their baby back and trying to put the baby in a car seat with a coat on when they’ve been told by the baby’s mother not to do that shows that they can’t be trusted.

No you are absolutely within your rights (and doing the right thing by your baby) to not allow someone who ignores safety and mum's instructions to babysit.
For everyone saying she will change her tune when she needs free childcare, you must not care much about your kid if you'd take a child free night over your child being safe in someone else's care. My mum has my 4 year old for sleepovers. MiL will not be doing so for years yet. She criticises my parenting every chance she gets, and I know the moment my back was turned she would be breaking my rules. I wouldn't be able to relax at all if he was left with her, which is kinda the point!
Stick to your guns mama, trust your instinct if it doesn't sit right with you.

only want her to have baby when it’s convenient for you!

As opposed to what?