People who never go to work events?

[badhabit]

Do you judge people who never attend work social activities? Whether because they can’t due to other commitments or simply because they don’t want to?

I’ve been working at my job for a long time and I never attend anything. I’ve been invited to events like culture nights, X-mas dos, social events and other activities with the rest of my department and wider company but I never attend. I’m a competitive athlete and have an intense training schedule and simply don’t have the time to go to a bowling night, or cocktail party, or any other event. But even if I did have the time, I don’t think I would want to. It’s just not my thing and I don’t enjoy it. And I don’t see why I should spend my free time doing activities I frankly don’t want to! I sometimes meet up with my friends outside of work but I don’t like corporate or official social events and the majority of my life and friendships outwith work are through sports and training anyway.

I would also never expect anyone to come to any of my events if I were to suggest it as obviously I don’t attend theirs.

I’m known in the office as the one who can never attend but most people are fine with it and understand why. I contribute to every single office communal gift, and I get along really well with everyone and am not anti-social, I just don’t go to the events. Other people are similar although the majority do attend events.

But over the last few years, a few colleagues have passed comments that it’s poor form of me not to bother or at least attend once every so often, and that never attending is anti-social and rude. I’ve been in the company for a long time and I’ve never bothered, but it’s made me wonder now if my judgment is clouded and I am being rude and antisocial.

Is that so bad?

Not at all.

@Sageadviceservices sacking 3 people in 12years for not going to social events - is actually - alot.

What steps did you as the manager take to create an inclusive environment?

A healthy working culture is one where events are put on for team building - that include - evening events with alcohol, evening events without alcohol, lunch events, virtual events for global teams and/or wfh employees, and events that take place directly in working hours.

To be honest if someone is otherwise good at their job, is friendly and engages well with the team during office hours I would consider them 'part of the team'. It seems incredibly needy to get upset if they are not going to regular social events outside of hours. This kind of attitude is the sort of 'live and breath the company' nonsense you get in the US where you are expected to work and play with your fellow employees. There is myriad of reasons why some folk don't want to hang around for social events, many of them are not due to being antisocial, just people having other more important stuff going on in their lives. If I found out that my employer was factoring into my performance review my inability to get shitfaced and talk bollocks about Arsenals league prospects after office hours I would probably be looking for a new job.

Yep I think being antisocial is rude. Not on mumsnet (it seems to be fine on mumsnet!) but in real life, yes, it's rude.
If you have a real reason such as your childcare fell through, you're ill or on holiday, fine. But if you consistently dont turn up, yes it's pretty miserable.

I agree with you. Be upfront and direct about it (in a friendly way).

I am on the work social committee and help to arrange social events. I don't go on any of them. My main reason is that I just want to get home after a full working day as I am knackered but
also my time is my own and I want to spend time with my own friends and family

@DanseAvecLesLoups

To be honest if someone is otherwise good at their job, is friendly and engages well with the team during office hours I would consider them 'part of the team'. It seems incredibly needy to get upset if they are not going to regular social events outside of hours.

I'm certainly not upset - you are no doubt right, in the context of soemwhere like an office. I'd also say I'm not a fan of away day team building events, role play, US style or not.....that really doesn't float my boat either.

OTOH plenty work in teams in various industries/roles etc that aren't office based so the dynamics, including the interpersonal stuff can be very different and just perhaps management in those places have to have slightly different expectations....

If someone consistently, always, refuses to even share a coffee or a chat during lunchtime (because I'm "not paid to socialise") or consistently, always, turns down well meaning invitations for even a once a year brief, low key, event after work they may simply not be suited to fitting into some teams in some lines of work.

I value my space and enjoy my own company, also I'm not great at making small talk, so although I do attend 'key' events such as Christmas parties I tend to avoid the 'Friday drink after work' type of thing or other such 'ad hoc' events. I started a new job last November and our CEO decided that the cost of a 'Christmas event' was such that it might be better to give us each a sum of money instead so we could plan our own individual Christmas treat. There wasn't one complaint that I was aware of !

I feel pathetic even asking this question, but - to people who say they just work with people but would never choose them as friends: how else do you find friends?
My close friends are my university friends but they are all hours away and I see them irregularly. I spend nearly all my time with my colleagues - therefore they are my friends. Is that not normal? I have a few friends from evening hobbies and church but I only spend say, 3 hours a week with them as oppose to 60 so I don't know them anything like as well as work people. They're just acquaintances really. But it seems like many/most people are the other way around. So how do you develop close friendships that aren't work based in origin?

I go to smaller, informal social events when I can. I don't do big ones because I panic in large groups and can't deal with it. I wouldn't judge anyone who didn't go. I teach in a boarding school anyway so there's always a certain percentage of us on duty who can't be judged for not going - it's rare for everyone to be free (except the Christmas one I guess but I avoid that like the plague, there's about 300 people there!)

We have a bloke like you at work....while we don't judge him exactly....we all think its a bit poor form!

Ironically, people will notice some absences more than others - though it depends on your role as well.

Larger events, probably won't be remembered that you were not there, or if you came for half an hour, talked to several people, then went. DH is quite senior and would spend more than half an hour, but swears by the 'get round lots of people but leave early' plan.

Lunches, coffees, training, conference-linked socials, things that could be easily done in work time - people often notice.

I have to look after events as a kind of abstract principle as part of my work, including some hat are residential. Lots of planning, mostly through me. I can't necessarily relax into the social thing in the same way as others or nip for a quick drink when I have the keys to certain buildings where something else is about to be held, for example. Quite a lot of 'bonding' happens in the gaps.

Ok- but I WAS busier then, I know my life and you don’t so maybe stop acting like you know everything when you clearly know nothing!

Having to look after a tiny baby was much easier than the other time I described, and yes, I HAVE had a ‘tiny baby’ thank you very much, not sure why you assume I haven’t.

Christ almighty your attitude is depressing, and also insulting to the millions of people who have to juggle other things (care, sickness, work, commutes) which make them busier than those who had a baby.

But why does that bother you?? Assuming the person is otherwise good at their job, is friendly around the office and interacts well with the team but for whatever reason does not attend work socials outside of normal hours what is wrong with that?

Interesting mix of opinions!

Just to clarify- all events are out with work hours. If they were during our lunch hour I still wouldn’t really want to go but I would attend occasionally just to be social. But other commitments outside of work mean I simply can’t go, even if I wanted to (I absolutely do not)

Not at all. In all of the 40 years of my working life I can count on the fingers of 1 hand how many work events I have attended....none of which have been during the last 30 years.

I'm curious as to what industry you work in now? If a team is so fragile that the absence of a member at work social event has an impact on said teams performance and/or its wider morale, spirits etc then it seems very wrong.

In my 20s I did not have a 'tiny baby' but I did row at a pretty decent standard, I was training pretty much six days a week. I was on the water at 5:45am before going to the office, I would go to the gym at lunchtime and swing by the club on the way home to do more land training. At weekends I was up early again on the water on Sat and Sun at 6.30 for a first session tech paddle before having a second endurance outing later, about 30ish km in total. I was doing all this so I could get selected in the top boat to compete at Henley Royal Regatta and other national events. I knew it was a regime that I could not sustain forever, but I did it for about five seasons to achieve personal goals before stepping back. I drank very little back then and what down time I had I spent with family and close friends. I had lots of 'you are crazy' type comments from work colleagues who thought I was a bit weird for signing up to that training schedule. Apart from the christmas party I pretty much went to zero social events during that period as it would have meant missing a training session or even worse screwing up the coaches selection plans due to my absence. However, I was good at my job and friendly around the office. It did not seem to affect my promotion prospects by not getting pissed after work on a Friday or going ten pin bowling with the team. I guess if I worked for your organisation I would not have got very far in my career. I'm in a management position now my selection process for recruitment or promotion are based around ability to do the role and how they professionally interact with clients and fellow work colleagues, not their ability to have team bantz at the Dog & Duck during Friday lunch times.

When I used to work for companies I never went on work socials! I used to say “I spend all day with you, I don’t want to spend all evening or weekends with you too” and I still think like that now!

Unless it’s during working hours then no one should be forced or judged to go on works events!

I’ve met a number of friends through different work places. I guess it very much depends on whether you really click with a particular person. I can’t see the point in saying you’d never have a work colleague as a friend as you never know who you might come across.

Some people don't want to disclose their "real" reason, though.

One of my friends is a recovering alcoholic. They will not go out anywhere where alcohol may be served/people may be drinking as they are not at that stage in their recovery yet. Since starting recovery, however, they have found a job and doing well. But won't go out on socials because so much of it involves alcohol. They understandably don't need everybody to know they are a recovering alcoholic, though. They just decline invitations.

Another thing is, I keep hearing about how widespread drug use is around the place. I don't know whether any of my colleagues use drugs but I definitely don't want to be offered drugs and I definitely don't want to be at a work do with people who've been taking drugs. That just seems like it would be a terrible position to be in.

Because the message you are sending is that you have no interest in them as people, you’ve got better things to do than spend time with them, you don’t especially care about oiling the wheels of your working relationship and you’re ‘above’ socialising with them because they’re ‘just’ people you work with. Funnily enough, people feel hurt and offended by that.

Depends on how well it's been organised. We've had two Xmas do's over the past few years.
I attended the one that was a pre-booked meal in a nice restaurant, followed by drinks for those who wanted, and home at a reasonable time it was lovely.
The second one was organised by a 20-something who left it last minute and decided to keep it casual and go out at 4pm after work. No food, just "see where we end up". I knew the whole night would be spent with people getting too drunk because they haven't eaten and queueing to get into bars as we hadn't booked a table so that was a hard pass from me. Apparently lots of people cancelled a few days before as well so turn out was pretty poor.

Buts it not about being above them. How ridiculous. It’s about the fact you only know them because of work, you’re not high school friends or uni buddies or hobby mates. You genuinely only know each other and communicate because you work in the same building.

Just like people who expect to find friends at the school gates your only both there because you have children the same age doesn’t mean your going to be mates or buddies or someone who people actually want to spend time with.

If that offends people then maybe they need to look closer to home about how they feel others are meant to think of them.

I do attend the works Christmas party before anyone moans. I just don’t actually see the point.

You are spending eight hours plus a day with your work colleagues, possibly sharing a few coffees or lunch breaks with them and having general chit chat about their weekend plans or family while you are at it, i.e. showing an interest in them. If you really get 'hurt' or 'offended' by a work colleague not attending a social event who during office hours is otherwise personable, friendly and good at their job you really need to have a word with yourself because that comes across as needy in the extreme.

The only work events I bother with are leaving do's for people I really like. Have never gone to anything else and never will. Always kept my work life and private life separate. Don't worry about what they think.