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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who never go to work events?

281 replies

badhabit · 24/01/2023 20:43

Do you judge people who never attend work social activities? Whether because they can’t due to other commitments or simply because they don’t want to?

I’ve been working at my job for a long time and I never attend anything. I’ve been invited to events like culture nights, X-mas dos, social events and other activities with the rest of my department and wider company but I never attend. I’m a competitive athlete and have an intense training schedule and simply don’t have the time to go to a bowling night, or cocktail party, or any other event. But even if I did have the time, I don’t think I would want to. It’s just not my thing and I don’t enjoy it. And I don’t see why I should spend my free time doing activities I frankly don’t want to! I sometimes meet up with my friends outside of work but I don’t like corporate or official social events and the majority of my life and friendships outwith work are through sports and training anyway.

I would also never expect anyone to come to any of my events if I were to suggest it as obviously I don’t attend theirs.

I’m known in the office as the one who can never attend but most people are fine with it and understand why. I contribute to every single office communal gift, and I get along really well with everyone and am not anti-social, I just don’t go to the events. Other people are similar although the majority do attend events.

But over the last few years, a few colleagues have passed comments that it’s poor form of me not to bother or at least attend once every so often, and that never attending is anti-social and rude. I’ve been in the company for a long time and I’ve never bothered, but it’s made me wonder now if my judgment is clouded and I am being rude and antisocial.

Is that so bad?

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 25/01/2023 16:33

OhmygodDont · 25/01/2023 15:52

Buts it not about being above them. How ridiculous. It’s about the fact you only know them because of work, you’re not high school friends or uni buddies or hobby mates. You genuinely only know each other and communicate because you work in the same building.

Just like people who expect to find friends at the school gates your only both there because you have children the same age doesn’t mean your going to be mates or buddies or someone who people actually want to spend time with.

If that offends people then maybe they need to look closer to home about how they feel others are meant to think of them.

I do attend the works Christmas party before anyone moans. I just don’t actually see the point.

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See this is what I don’t get. Why are people you met at school or a hobby any better a person to be friends with than someone you work with or you met at the school gates? You are just as likely to have something in common with them regardless of the context you met them.

To say you just know then because you work in the same building is odd to me. I could say the same about school friends - you only know them because you are the same age and lived in the same area so went to the same school

The “they are just colleagues” excuse is just strange. They are also people with interests, hobbies, life experience that you may have a connection to but sounds like many people on this thread wouldn’t even entertain them as friends just because of where they first met them

Oh and I have old school friends, hobby friends AND colleague friends (from old and current job)

StephanieSuperpowers · 25/01/2023 16:35

Yeah, but probably if they were friends, you'd see them socially outside work related events.

OhmygodDont · 25/01/2023 16:36

StephanieSuperpowers · 25/01/2023 16:35

Yeah, but probably if they were friends, you'd see them socially outside work related events.

Exactly. If I was your friend and we worked together we would see each other anyway without forced get togethers. If we don’t socialise because we just want to you are purely a work colleague.

TheOriginalEmu · 25/01/2023 16:38

HoldingTheDoor · 25/01/2023 07:53

Important? Everyone’s life is important. But busy…? No-one, no-one is as busy as parents of 0-3yos. They just aren’t. And if you say otherwise, it’s because you haven’t been there.

And people who are caring for a relative? I'd argue that many of those are. I've never been so busy in my life as when I cared for my grandmother with dementia and COPD. It was incessant.

Agreed. When I was caring for my mum with COPD and leukemia, we spent 2 weeks a month on daily chemo. I lost 3st in weight simply by not having time to eat.

Womencanlift · 25/01/2023 16:43

StephanieSuperpowers · 25/01/2023 16:35

Yeah, but probably if they were friends, you'd see them socially outside work related events.

I would see them outside of work too but if work are paying for drinks (which I get a lot of employer’s don’t, mine does) then we quite often take advantage of that as a night out

StephanieSuperpowers · 25/01/2023 16:46

Womencanlift · 25/01/2023 16:43

I would see them outside of work too but if work are paying for drinks (which I get a lot of employer’s don’t, mine does) then we quite often take advantage of that as a night out

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Which is a perfectly valid choice. I'm definitely not saying that people should go or not go, just that people should suit themselves either way and that they have their own reasons for the choices they make and other people should accept that it's not a calculated personal insult. People have their ways and thoughts and priorities and that should be fine.

MargaritaRita · 25/01/2023 16:53

Team events during working hours and on the premises is ok. Otherwise the company can take a hike. Forced jollity of any sort is reprehensible.

DerekFaker · 25/01/2023 17:21

I absolutely wouldn't care. How people act IN work (both socially and work-wise) is what matters to me.

LoobyDop · 25/01/2023 17:30

I don’t mind at all if people don’t want to be involved in team socialising. I’m only prepared to do it if I happen to like the people I’m currently working with. I have a couple of colleagues though who commit to coming, have plans made to accommodate them, and then every single time pull out at the last minute because their partner has “unexpectedly” had something come up at the last minute that means the colleague has no childcare. Every time. And I get that it may very well be that the partner is a controlling arsehole or needy pita, but it’s really frustrating. I’ve seen entire team away days fall apart because someone’s partner suddenly has to be away for work so the colleague has to work from home and do school pickups. I think managers are too understanding sometimes. And I bloody know working mothers are.

ComfortablyDazed · 25/01/2023 17:32

MargaritaRita · 25/01/2023 16:53

Team events during working hours and on the premises is ok. Otherwise the company can take a hike. Forced jollity of any sort is reprehensible.

With unmiserable people, it isn’t ‘forced’, it comes naturally. Shocking, I know.

MargaritaRita · 25/01/2023 18:35

ComfortablyDazed · 25/01/2023 17:32

With unmiserable people, it isn’t ‘forced’, it comes naturally. Shocking, I know.

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What about the out of working hours point?

It is very unfair to expect people to participate in "forced" fun team building shite outside their contracted hours.

Most of it is a total waste of time anyway including Christmas parties and the like. Most would prefer to be at home. Different for unattached and those without kids and other responsibilities though.

Moxysright · 25/01/2023 18:36

I used to go to work events when I was younger and child free. Not so much now! Doesn’t bother me though

ComfortablyDazed · 25/01/2023 18:55

MargaritaRita · 25/01/2023 18:35

What about the out of working hours point?

It is very unfair to expect people to participate in "forced" fun team building shite outside their contracted hours.

Most of it is a total waste of time anyway including Christmas parties and the like. Most would prefer to be at home. Different for unattached and those without kids and other responsibilities though.

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The ‘forced jollity of any sort is reprehensible’ point was bordering on the ridiculous.

It’s hardly ‘reprehensible’.

If you don’t want to join in, don’t.

I don’t for the most part, as frankly, I have better things to do. I definitely did, when I was younger and responsibility-free, though.

LlynTegid · 25/01/2023 19:09

I don't think there is anything wrong with your decision. I assume you politely decline in good time.

Even if you did not have the sporting interest you have, still OK. There will be people who for religious and/or cultural reasons would not go to certain places, for example. Others who have care responsibilities.

I am selective in the ones I go to.

lieselotte · 25/01/2023 19:14

If you want people to attend socials, you hold them in work time.

You can't expect people to give up their free time for them.

It's also worth considering that not everyone lives close to where social events are being held (this is particularly the case if you work and socialise in London). So you hold an evening event and then expect people to have a long journey home, and then be on top of their game the following day for work. It isn't realistic. I need my sleep!

If you want people to get to know each other better because it "impacts" the work, take them out for lunch.

Anyway I'd rather be considered rude and antisocial for not attending events. than being judged for saying something someone doesn't agree with. Which seems to be very easy to do. And I don't mean the trans debate, it could be anything.

lieselotte · 25/01/2023 19:17

Shouldbesleeping8 · 25/01/2023 12:16

Yep I think being antisocial is rude. Not on mumsnet (it seems to be fine on mumsnet!) but in real life, yes, it's rude.
If you have a real reason such as your childcare fell through, you're ill or on holiday, fine. But if you consistently dont turn up, yes it's pretty miserable.

But why do you care?

Just socialise with the people who want to socialise. Why try to force people who don't want to? How does it affect you if they don't come?

lieselotte · 25/01/2023 19:18

Sageadviceservices · 25/01/2023 08:58

Yep, and I don’t think it’s that uncommon either

Missing the odd few due to commitments is one thing, refusing to go in general to everything is rude and is definitely discussed.

It can also speak to a difference in suitability and fit in terms of the workplace and have had to get rid of people for this before.

I'd love to see "wouldn't attend work socials" as a fair reason to sack someone!

Good luck with THAT in a tribunal!

TheOriginalEmu · 25/01/2023 19:21

PersonaNonGarter · 25/01/2023 09:39

When I was working 100+ hour weeks with massive commutes and juggling caring for a family member on top- yes, I was busier than with young children.

You weren’t. And only someone who hasn’t had a tiny baby would say this. I am sure that’s annoying to hear, but it’s the truth and it’s the reason young parents get a pass.

Your question is about whether other people judge someone who over years has never gone to a work event ever. In every organisation I’ve worked in with a competitive promotion process, this is taken into account. It is discussed at managerial level. It’s about recognition of the role of team morale/spirit/interest/social norms.

I had 3 babies under 1 at one point. I had 5 under 5. I was still more busy when my
mum was dying. You say that as a person who has never had to care for a very sick or disabled person.

Bamboozle123 · 25/01/2023 19:23

It's totally fine.

However, networking is vitally important if you work closely with other teams or are looking for promotions so you may find you see a negative impact from this.

TheOriginalEmu · 25/01/2023 19:23

ComfortablyDazed · 25/01/2023 17:32

With unmiserable people, it isn’t ‘forced’, it comes naturally. Shocking, I know.

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I’m not a miserable person, but work socialising makes me miserable as I just don’t enjoy the kind of socialising they do. Not being social doesn’t mean you are miserable and it’s really unfair to say that.

TheOriginalEmu · 25/01/2023 19:26

Sageadviceservices · 25/01/2023 09:09

It doesn’t need to be, do you think people can only be got rid of due to issues cited in their contracts?

it’s not about control, it’s about fit. In many sectors and workplaces refusing to go to all events would indicate a mismatch in terms of fit for the role and the team, which is pretty important.

Thankfully in my 12 years managing departments I’ve only had to do this 3 times but it’s important to remember being anti social can be a red flag to employers

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How is it a red flag? Genuinely I don’t understand. I get on well with my colleagues, I am friendly and helpful and speak to a few outside of work via Facebook or WhatsApp. I do my job well, I work well in the team. How does me not wanting to go to Christmas dos and bingo nights and pub crawls change any of that?

minionsrule · 25/01/2023 19:28

I've been working for over 30 years and it never crossed my mind to judge people who didn't attend socials.
I used to go to all of them when I was younger, since ds was born 18 years ago I can't be arsed. If I am working away overnight with colleagues I will go for a drink and a meal with them, I might do the odd team meal out but bigger do's? Not for me.
My liver was pounded enough ink my 20's and early 30's thanks

ComfortablyDazed · 25/01/2023 19:30

TheOriginalEmu · 25/01/2023 19:23

I’m not a miserable person, but work socialising makes me miserable as I just don’t enjoy the kind of socialising they do. Not being social doesn’t mean you are miserable and it’s really unfair to say that.

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Do you think ‘forced jollity is reprehensible’?

If not, my comment doesn’t apply to you.

TheOriginalEmu · 25/01/2023 19:30

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/01/2023 10:23

@BellePeppa

really?! Pj’s in the afternoon? Why?!

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Cos they’re comfortable?

BellePeppa · 25/01/2023 19:32

LadyHarmby · 25/01/2023 15:15

Because the message you are sending is that you have no interest in them as people, you’ve got better things to do than spend time with them, you don’t especially care about oiling the wheels of your working relationship and you’re ‘above’ socialising with them because they’re ‘just’ people you work with. Funnily enough, people feel hurt and offended by that.

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I couldn’t care less who was at a work do or not, I cannot imagine feeling hurt or offended. What industry do you work in?