People who never go to work events?

[badhabit]

Do you judge people who never attend work social activities? Whether because they can’t due to other commitments or simply because they don’t want to?

I’ve been working at my job for a long time and I never attend anything. I’ve been invited to events like culture nights, X-mas dos, social events and other activities with the rest of my department and wider company but I never attend. I’m a competitive athlete and have an intense training schedule and simply don’t have the time to go to a bowling night, or cocktail party, or any other event. But even if I did have the time, I don’t think I would want to. It’s just not my thing and I don’t enjoy it. And I don’t see why I should spend my free time doing activities I frankly don’t want to! I sometimes meet up with my friends outside of work but I don’t like corporate or official social events and the majority of my life and friendships outwith work are through sports and training anyway.

I would also never expect anyone to come to any of my events if I were to suggest it as obviously I don’t attend theirs.

I’m known in the office as the one who can never attend but most people are fine with it and understand why. I contribute to every single office communal gift, and I get along really well with everyone and am not anti-social, I just don’t go to the events. Other people are similar although the majority do attend events.

But over the last few years, a few colleagues have passed comments that it’s poor form of me not to bother or at least attend once every so often, and that never attending is anti-social and rude. I’ve been in the company for a long time and I’ve never bothered, but it’s made me wonder now if my judgment is clouded and I am being rude and antisocial.

Is that so bad?

Ah. Ok. That sort of answers my question, but I think there is a huge middle ground between going to work social events and not giving your colleagues the time of day outside work. For me, I don’t work social events for a number of reasons: I have a disability that makes it really difficult, I don’t like pubs and drinking, I’m a single mum with a lot of children. But Im kind and interested in my colleagues and would definitely count some of them as friends. I am Facebook friends and we have a WhatsApp group and I would and have helped them out in things outside work. I just can’t cope with organised fun.

I think you’re a bit U not even to go to the Christmas party for a few reasons. It’s an opportunity to speak informally to your workmates and someone has to organise the bloody thing- absolutely soul destroying if no one can be bothered to come. It’s also one of the main opportunities where the boss gets to say thank you and the staff get to say thanks back (if they want to). Surely you could make an effort just to attend that- most people have massively demanding lives (I have a demanding hobby I do twice a week, kids with extra curricular activities every day, caring responsibilities and a full time job but I think that’s pretty standard) still manage to show their face for a couple of hours? My boss who is known for hating these things always makes a real effort and it’s really appreciated by us.

No one is treating anyone like shit

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder and/or an inability to comprehend basic sentences

Not weird at all. To me, work pays my mortgage. I have a life outside it.
I’m like you, I have friends in work that I socialise with- but work dos? Absolutely not. My idea of hell

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder and/or an inability to comprehend basic sentences

You seem to have a whole potato farm on yours and an inability to regard the people as anything other than corporate pawns who have to dance to your tune or they're out. You clearly have no respect for them as individuals.

When I was working 100+ hour weeks with massive commutes and juggling caring for a family member on top- yes, I was busier than with young children.

You weren’t. And only someone who hasn’t had a tiny baby would say this. I am sure that’s annoying to hear, but it’s the truth and it’s the reason young parents get a pass.

Your question is about whether other people judge someone who over years has never gone to a work event ever. In every organisation I’ve worked in with a competitive promotion process, this is taken into account. It is discussed at managerial level. It’s about recognition of the role of team morale/spirit/interest/social norms.

My old boss never went to the work social events. He was very good at his job and he entertained clients because that was directly a part of his job but out of work (ie not chargeable to his expenses or part of his contract etc) events he never went to. Entertaining clients or potential clients is not the same as having to turn up to drinks or whatever with your work colleagues when you just want to ‘clock off’.

And how does that tie in with equalities? The colleague whose disability prevents them taking part in the event? The parent or carer who can't be available? The ND person who might struggle?
I can't imagine what sort of industry would require every single employee to be 'sociable' (seemingly defined as a willingness to participate in a series of trite, homogeneous events) as an essential part of their role.
Does the willingness to build a raft/eat a dinner/dress as Al Capone impact one's ability to interpret a spreadsheet, write a report or fix an IT issue?

Maybe I said it the wrong way. What I should have said is that ‘convince themselves they’re not being judged for it’.

In an ideal world, everyone could do what they want and not be judged. But I personally think the reality is that if you never go to any work event, some people will think you are rude or weird. Maybe it’s not fair but it’s a fact. Maybe you don’t care and all power to you if you don’t. Good for you. But I think trying to pretend other people don’t think negatively of you for it is burying your head in the sand.

We have a guy in our office that doesn't join in out of hours events due to shyness and the fact that he's embarrassed that he's a fussy eater.

We do try and ensure there are some events that he's able to attend if he'd like to, but he normally still doesn't.

It's fine. No-one says anything other than "it's a shame he's not here", but no-one calls him rude for not coming. At the end of the day you're paid for the work you do, not for socialising with colleagues out of hours.

OP's reasoning of her competitive sport is even more understandable. It's definitely the colleagues with an issue, not her.

I wouldn't judge you because I fully appreciate and support people who set clear boundaries at work. You're not rude or anti-social because you don't want to spend your personal time with people from work. Other people in my office would judge you as they have done with colleagues who did the same but I just think it says a lot about you as a person if you can't see why someone may not want to do that.

I certainly don’t, or wouldn’t, care if I was judged. Assuming I’m not expected to entertain clients then I couldn’t give a sh*t if anyone judged me, in fact I’d be flattered they thought my presence was so needed or missed. I’m very socialable within work, in that I’m very friendly and make good friends, some I’ve had many years after leaving, so I know I don’t come across as unfriendly or anti social. I’m very open about the fact I don’t do ‘do’s’.

“This is mumsnet, where people don’t answer their doorbells, never make a phone call without texting first to ask if it’s ok to call, and where they get into their PJs at 4pm. So you’ll be told it’s absolutely normal.”

this is so true!

MN is an echo chamber of people who don't like to socialise

In real life, I think it's a bit unfriendly to never go to anything

I don't because I have autism and am not comfortable in large social events - two or three people is my absolute limit.

Lol this sounds just like me 😁

My reasons are: it’s not during work hours, I’m not paid to be there, work-life balance is vital for mental health, time off between shifts is important, I have interests outside work, etc. I can network during work hours. Not attending work events hasn’t impacted my career at all, and I work in PR - a traditionally social, all-hours industry. 🤷‍♀️

Never been to any and DH hasn’t for years either. We spend enough time with them at work, don’t need to see them in our own time too.

I am very friendly and always have been with work colleagues.In fact thinking about it the majority of my close friends are ex colleagues …….but we socialised and became friends because we got on well,stuff in common etc .
I used to go on a night out,leaving,Christmas etc but now I tend to avoid because I live quite a way from where I work,no train line between two towns .
My colleagues are fine about it .

@BellePeppa

really?! Pj’s in the afternoon? Why?!

I never attended work do's and one CEO got in a mood with me. It was a physical type event, think high levels, ropes, harnesses etc. I do have a fear of heights but would not have wanted to go anyway. She told me I had to put a holiday in and that was just fine by me. My colleague (age 55) broke her leg on this event was off work for months and it turned out CEO did not participate. My immediate boss told me they were terrified but felt she had to "compete". Just wrong.

Previous firm, I avoided the drinking sessions where the partners (so called professional firm) would act like they owned the female staff. They also openly threw up in the street. Not my idea of fun but a number of staff wanted the free meal and drinks which I understand. Trade off was too much for me. The Monday mornings were funny though.

Loungewear dahling loungewear. 😉

YANBU. I'm not a "social" kind of person, but in my first couple of jobs, I really tried to join in with the social activities, etc., but I found that as the drink flowed, I became the subject of "banter", which really knocked me, as I was horrendously bullied throughout my secondary school years. Some people don't seem to know the difference between "banter" and bullying. I left both jobs in the end because of the "culture", which came from the social side of things.

In my subsequent jobs, I didn't make the effort to join in with the socials at all. I just maintained a professional dignity, friendly/chatty around the office, but held my ground and said no to the out of office socials. At first, they kept pestering me, but eventually got the message. In my last job, I wasn't even subtle about it, the first time I was asked, I just said no, I don't do out of office things, and that was that!

My DS experienced the same when he started Uni, he made the effort to try to socialise with his flat mates, but he said they made fun of him because he doesn't drink cocktails/shorts, etc (I would have thought that in modern times, people were more tolerant, but apparently not). So, he just stopped going out with them but it clouded the dynamics/relationship in the flat as they thought he'd snubbed them. In his second year, new flatmates, he said no right from the first day, told them he didn't do parties/alcohol, etc., and they left him alone, didn't pester him, and he ended up very friendly with them.

I think it's best to be upfront, rather than make excuses, and just say, "no, it's not my scene" then there's more chance of them leaving you alone and not pestering you. Or at least stay within your comfort zone and pick the socials that you think you may enjoy!

YANBU. I go to everything (not the clubs afterwards like the young people seem to do as I don't drink and I like to be in bed by 11!) but I appreciate that it's not for everyone. We did have a colleague who was just shy and had children at home, and he preferred to spend time with them, there were some comments about him being antisocial which I headed off because it's not like he was hurting anyone by not being there. People are different and like different things.

I agree with your comment about 'culture'. Some workplace behaviours (actions and words) are questionable when certain staff are sober. I would not want to 'experience' certain staff when they are under the influence. The line between banter and categories of abuse is very thin.

You will certainly be judged.